How to get over someone...again | INFJ Forum

How to get over someone...again

isabellajay

isabellajay

On Holiday
May 3, 2013
160
39
0
MBTI
INFJ
If any of you have ever read anything by me, I'm sure you've come across me whining about some guy that I'm in love with who doesn't love me back.
So I've finally started to forget about him. Part of me is like, "Yay! You're doing it!" and another part is like, "But wait, don't give up. You never know."
It's the whole head vs. heart thing.
Anyway, so I'm starting to think about him less, and today, I put my iTunes on shuffle. I haven't listened to anything but jazz for about 6 months.
My iTunes just happens to start cranking Jack Johnson. He introduced me to Jack Johnson, and we'd always listen to it.
He'd play guitar and sing to Jack Johnson songs all the time. Now I'm missing him all over again.

I want to get him out of my head. HELP.
There are so many aspects of my life that remind me of him,
and I don't want to exempt myself from them just because of him.
 
The good news is you are half way there; meaning your intention is to let go and move on with your life is an important part of the letting go process. But your emotions are still triggered and from time to time engaged in the memories you shared with this person. This is because letting go of something we had strong attachments to cannot be quit like a cold turkey. Letting go is a gradual process and if you do it right it will force you to mourn everything you shared and loved. Then it becomes an internal emotional strife; because part of you wants to relish in the memories and be hopeful while the other part says to let go and move on. To ease the internal emotional strife you "need" to allow space within yourself to relive memories, question feelings and emotions and to mourn the death of the relationship. This doesn't mean you get lost and become emotionally unhinged. It simply means to experience the pain and sadness that comes with letting go and slowly prepare yourself for the final release when you are no longer a slave to your feelings.

The bad news is that your only friend is Time. Time is the essential factor in releasing people and things that no longer serve us. So the whole process will require patience and perseverance. Don't judge or feel bad if you have emotional relapses; just accept the circumstances, allow the emotions to run it's course and you will be fine.
 
I agree with [MENTION=884]solongotgon[/MENTION] 100000%.

I feel like there's 2 questions here (1) should I get over him? and (2) when will I get over him?

Question 2 will only get easier (and quicker) if question 1 has the answer "yes".

I had a very difficult break up over 4 years ago with someone who I spent 6 years with and thought I was going to be with FOREVER (thank god that didn't happen! (see! I can say that now, but I use to not believe it!)). At the time, I couldn't get over him because I was always doubting whether I wanted to keep trying to be together. I finally realized that I deserved better, and that I was going against all my beliefs and values trying to work so hard to get someone to be with me (who, when I look back, was terrible). I'm not saying this is the same for you, what I'm trying to say is that getting over someone is a lot easier once you say- "I'm no longer interested in pursuing them" or "I don't have any doubts about this choice".

As for the second question - time. Time helps. It might not seem like a wound that will ever heal...but it does. You'll always have moments when you're reminded of them, but over time it'll be less upsetting. I can remember hearing a certain song and it make my heart race. Now I hear it, and I just change it. The memories will always be there, but it doesn't induce a panic in me. You'll always have a scar from it, but you'll also find that over time, you'll realized you learned a lot - or at least I did. I grew a lot after my break up, and realized a lot of about myself, and a lot about what I wanted out of life.
 
Hm, I experienced similar story. Somehow, from this point of view...well, people don't usually change their mind. So, repeat: Move on...move on...move on...:)
 
I use to have a saying when I was a teen, "In order to get over someone, you must get under someone else." While at the time I meant sex, the same still rings true. The second you get a crush on someone, anyone, you won't care so much about whomever you had feelings for, if at all. The quickest way to get over someone regardless of history is to become interested in others. There are many people out there who will give you the same attention, whom you will click with and even more so will reciprocate the feeling. You don't have to go out and fuck everyone you see, just know that there are a lot of great people out there, who think you're great too. From there the attractions will follow.
 
[MENTION=884]solongotgon[/MENTION] how long is long enough? It's been 4 years of struggle so far. And it's been 6 months since I've seen him.
[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] 1. "Should I get over him?" is one of the questions I can't answer. He's a beautiful person. He has hardly any flaws. I hate to venture into calling him "perfect," but he's nearly there. I've tried getting over him by finding things I don't like and obviously it didn't work...:)
[MENTION=1069]Jana[/MENTION] "move on" is easier said than done. How would you advise?
[MENTION=10166]DonTaushMe[/MENTION] One of my closest girl friends gave me this advice, too. Only problem: no one interests me. It's kind of pathetic. I try and try but all I end up doing is comparing them with him. Do I just force myself to like someone? I'm kind of picky as far as deciding if I'm interested in someone.

All the advice is really nice. Thank you, ladies.
 
isabellajay said:
@solongotgon how long is long enough? It's been 4 years of struggle so far. And it's been 6 months since I've seen him.
Click to expand...

2 years is the average length of time to fully get over someone emotionally and be ready to love again. 4 years is a long time of "struggle" and if I was a therapist I would simply say that there is more work needed from your part; that what you are doing now to get over him is not enough. I don't know the nature of the relationship so I am just assuming things from your perspective and you mentioned that he is near perfect. Nobody is perfect. So there is a fair amount of idealization there and where idealization exists; infatuation usually follows suit. Infatuation is not love; it is a state of projection. The projection usually is your inner male self; projected onto a good host - in this case this guy you are obsessed with.I say obsessed because it is another symptom of infatuation. To withdraw projection you will need to own up to your inner self that is projecting. Again time also plays a key factor in this.

However the fact that it has taken 4 years is due to the fact that you love being attached to this individual. It gives you something that I do not know about but only you know. So part of you loves the pain of not being loved in return and this aspect also needs to be opened up and healed. Most likely if you can take care of this part you will be ready to let go. But 4 years of struggle shows that you are not ready to let go and only you know why.
 
  • Like
Reactions: isabellajay
4 years is a long time.
Think about all the potential love you've missed pining over someone that isn't reciprocating it.
Try and remind yourself that love is precious, and is something that should be shared. While you're sharing your love with him, you're suppose to also be given love. I know it's easier to give advice when you're in these situations, but sometime you have to make a hard push, and just cut all ties off, and tell yourself you deserve better than that. Why are you settling for someone that (I don't want to be mean, but I'm just going to assume this) isn't interested in you? You deserve so much more. These last few years could have been spent forming new love, meeting new people you might spend your life with.
 
  • Like
Reactions: isabellajay
Four years seems like a really long time to me. I wonder if you're really "trying" for lack of a better term. Like others have said, guys really don't change their mind. I've learned that the hard way too. They aren't too complex with their decisions, so if it's over and really over for them (as it seems to be with your instance), there isn't any "what ifs" that should still be considered. It's long gone.

You need to fully (and I mean it!) come around to mentally and physically moving on from him. It seems like it's not healthy for you to keep the attachment - so why continue to torture yourself? There is someone else out there for you - you just don't see it yet! It wasn't meant to be. Don't lose the chance to meet another wonderful guy, just because your stuck on the last one who wasn't smart enough to keep ya. :) xxoo
 
  • Like
Reactions: isabellajay
I suppose I should clarify and say I've been off and on with him for 4 years,
and the reason I haven't seen him in 6 months is because he is serving a mission.
I should also clarify that I was his closest female friend.
Hahah there are so many details to this "thing" I have going on.
I was super close with his older sister (before she got married and moved away:().
I also knew his parents really well and his younger siblings (I would hang out over there even if he wasn't around).
He and I had really deep talks about our lives and so we know each other really well.
It wasn't one sided. We went on dates together and hung out a lot.
I think my problem lies (and let me know if this is an actual possibility) is that I have poor self-esteem and he was the first
boy to ever compliment me and just be a friend to me, and I don't want to let it go because I don't think I'll find better.
There's something that just feels right about it. We connect, I guess you could say?
His sister would always tease me about "when are you two going to admit you love each other?" and stuff,
even though I'd never said a word about my affections to anyone.
I hate it. I sound like an idiot teenage girl.
So if I'm obsessed with him (totally possible), how should I stop being such a creep? Haha.
 
isabellajay said:
I suppose I should clarify and say I've been off and on with him for 4 years,
and the reason I haven't seen him in 6 months is because he is serving a mission.
I should also clarify that I was his closest female friend.
Hahah there are so many details to this "thing" I have going on.
I was super close with his older sister (before she got married and moved away:().
I also knew his parents really well and his younger siblings (I would hang out over there even if he wasn't around).
He and I had really deep talks about our lives and so we know each other really well.
It wasn't one sided. We went on dates together and hung out a lot.
I think my problem lies (and let me know if this is an actual possibility) is that I have poor self-esteem and he was the first
boy to ever compliment me and just be a friend to me, and I don't want to let it go because I don't think I'll find better.
There's something that just feels right about it. We connect, I guess you could say?
His sister would always tease me about "when are you two going to admit you love each other?" and stuff,
even though I'd never said a word about my affections to anyone.
I hate it. I sound like an idiot teenage girl.
So if I'm obsessed with him (totally possible), how should I stop being such a creep? Haha.
Click to expand...

WOAH!! This totally changes things for me :D

HAVE YOU TOLD HIM YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM??????

If not...girl.....purchase some whip cream and surprise him with an edible bikini when he comes home! (I'm just joking...well...kind of.....)

I still believe that 4 years is a long time to have feelings for someone and not do anything about it. If you haven't told him- you have to. Otherwise, like I said above, you've missed so many opportunities!

Low self-esteem is certainly difficult when it comes to relationships. It's hard to believe you will find better - but even if you're afraid you won't, that's not a reason to settle! Everyone deserves someone who loves them and makes them happy, and you should limit yourself from meeting or being with that person. Love is a fantastic opportunity that should be had as much as possible in life (in my opinion at least, some would say otherwise!)...while I might not practice what I'm saying here (because I'm scared as well! I think many of us are), I truly believe that love is an amazing gift to receive and give, and you should capture every opportunity to invite that gift in :)
 
[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] It's so sad, I never got the courage to say anything. I was way too chicken.
Now, if I get to tell him (assuming my feelings don't change), it won't be until 2016...because
he gets home in about a year and a half and I leave in about 6 months for 18 months.
Hahahah but I'll look into getting an edible bikini.
 
Have you considered writing him? Do you have any contact at all with him while he's gone?
 
@isabellajay

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. Longing to be with someone who doesn't reciprocate our feelings is one of the most challenging aspects of being human and capable of love. I won't claim to know what it is that you are feeling right now, but I do have an understanding of what it's like to be in that position.

As for what it takes to 'get over' someone, I can tell you right now that it almost never happens by directly intending it. The harder you try to block out those feelings, the more insistent they will become. It's like trying not to think of a pink elephant when you've been instructed not to think of a pink elephant. You will be constantly hounded by things that remind you of him, sometimes in the most oblique ways.

My advice is simply to acknowledge your feelings for this person and include the hope of 'possibly having a chance' as being part of the package of those affections rather than a reason to hold onto their current intensity. Feelings of genuine affection for someone are not conditional upon anything; they don't have a beginning or an end. Permit yourself to feel affection and admiration for this person, but instead of pouring them into the pursuit of a romantic relationship, focus those energies elsewhere. A friendship, perhaps, or adopt him as a silent mentor/figurehead for the qualities you admire in him and wish to cultivate within yourself. The trick to 'getting over' someone is not cutting off your feelings for the person, but rather, accepting the circumstances between you. There will be an adjustment period, of course, but it's much easier when you're open and accepting of the naturalness of what it is you're feeling than expecting to flick a switch and feel something else.
 
  • Like
Reactions: invisible and isabellajay
[MENTION=8332]isabellajay[/MENTION],

Thanks for clearing up the picture. I've been in some messy situations like that. Relationships are always complicated, whether we like to admit it or not.

I try not to live my life with so many "what ifs?" - it's not very productive and can leave us to mindlessly contemplate our worries, fears, decisions, love. Since you two have been apart for 6 months and many more to come, I would hate for you to regret putting your life on hold for someone who holds so many of those "what ifs?" in disarray. Try to clear your mind and gain perspective. Live in the now. Don't lose the relationship, but focus on YOUR future. You will find someone else who holds you dear, thinks you're attractive, can stay up late with you having deep conversations, trust me - it will happen eventually. If you're closed off, it'll take a hell of a lot longer. Do you want to stay in a perpetual state of longing and confusion for 18+ months? I wouldn't. Sounds miserable to me.. Find a way to cherish the relationship you had with him and his family and hold onto those memories. Then open yourself up to someone new. It's scary, really fucking scary, but you'd be surprised how happy you might be in the end. I'm a crazy firm believer in everything happens for a reason. The good and the bad (and very bad). Life is challenging - you can't grow from it if you don't let yourself.
 
Last edited:
isabellajay said:
I'm sure you've come across me whining about some guy that I'm in love with who doesn't love me back.
Click to expand...

I don't get it. You must have not just said that he doesn't love you just to say he doesn't love you, what happened exactly? Four years of dating but you open with this. What's the whole story?
 
[MENTION=8332]isabellajay[/MENTION]
I think [MENTION=1360]TheDaringHatTrick[/MENTION] put it nice:)
I know, I still fight that fight...so I know it is complex question...
 
[MENTION=10166]DonTaushMe[/MENTION] Hahah I'm not very good at writing things, even though I'm an INFJ and we're supposed to be good at writing. So I'm a Mormon if you didn't know, and it's a cultural thing for teenagers to go on dates with other teenagers (group dating), but not become exclusive. He and I went on dates, but weren't dating, if that makes any sense. I went on dates with a number of boys in high school, but it was mostly just a social "we're friends" thing. And also, I've written about this boy in other posts, even if they weren't my own thread (which is what I'm referring to by saying "I'm sure you've come across me whining...").
[MENTION=1069]Jana[/MENTION] I definitely agree that [MENTION=1360]TheDaringHatTrick[/MENTION] put everything into words quite well.
[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] I actually do write him. Missionaries are busy and they only have a little time each week to write letters. They're encouraged to write to their family first (which makes sense). I hear from him every month or two. Because of the work he's doing, it really wouldn't be appropriate for me to take his focus off his service so I can confess my feelings for him.
[MENTION=9672]lawruhn[/MENTION] The nice thing is he's on a mission and I'm leaving for mine in about 6 months. While I'm away serving, I probably won't be thinking about him, as I'll have so many other things on my mind - more important things.

Everyone posted such great advice. It's nice to hear your experiences. You're a lot more mature than my friends are, and consequently, your advice is much better than, "Just wait. He'll realize he loves you." I'm going to keep pushing forward and I'll let you know how everything goes. So much love.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back