How is this not incredibly screwed up? | INFJ Forum

How is this not incredibly screwed up?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Chessie, Sep 26, 2010.

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  1. Chessie

    Chessie Community Member

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    I'm...well, honestly, probably a bit in shock at the moment. I figure that 'Hey, a bunch of INFJ's...there really aren't many people who are better to tell me if I'm being unwise or feeling wronged and being silly.'

    The situation is pretty simple. My boyfriend for the last year and I have just ended our relationship. A year ago he moved in with me. He and his wife (a male to female transexual. My boyfriend is a female to male transexual. Honestly, it doesn't play into this much) had been having incredible communications problems. He is an INFJ and his wife is an INTJ. No surprise there.

    They'd been married roughly four years and their relationship had slowly degraded to the point of near total non-communication. Salem moved in with me (A move from Florida to Wisconsin) and I advocated heavily for them to stay together and try to work through their differences. His wife stayed there. Literally every person in his life besides myself has at one time or another during the last year told him to end his marriage.



    His wife, Christine, is sweet and likable and almost totally logical.

    Two weeks ago Salem was considering a divorce. They'd had a visit planned for Christine to come up and visit us for some months and see what life up here was like but she wouldn't give a timeframe for potentially moving up to join Salem and had indicated a total dislike of the weather and environment. Still, despite these plans their relationship continued to degrade.

    I still fought tooth and nail for them to keep it as long as they could because I believed Bunny had something important to contribute to Salem's life and if given enough time, I felt sure they could come to some kind of terms that made sense. I'm a polyamorous person and that's pretty much how I operate. I do whatever I can for my mate.

    So, Christine comes up to visit.

    During this week, I have pneumonia. Pretty nasty. Still, Salem's affection for me dries up entirely. He starts behaving like he can't wait for hugs to end and he won't meet my eyes.

    Today he announces that he's going to be living with Christine as soon as she moves up here and wants to do a 'dual household' arrangement...except I would of course have to get another room-mate, re-arrange my finances entirely, take him off my insurance, and re-negotiate our lease. He wants to be able to 'spend time' with me and live with his wife. Yes, the same wife he was about to divorce two weeks ago. Same wife who put him 1100 dollars in debt and who is herself 16k in debt because she spends money like water.

    His reason is conversations they had while Christine was here that somehow changed his outlook 180 degrees. Christine, it should be noted, is a world class people pleaser. She likes to be liked a little more than is healthy. They met in a cult. I wish I were kidding.

    I'm trying mentally to work through this but pretty much all I can feel right now is anger. I feel deeply betrayed and I'm still kind of unsure how to respond except more anger and I am not an angry person generally. Anger is not a common emotion for me. I'm not even sure if I'm doing it correctly or if this is a situation that warrants it.
     
    #1 Chessie, Sep 26, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2010
  2. Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

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    could the pneumonia be the reason he is not being affectionate, if not he probably doesn't want to send the wrong signals to his wife.

    You did want him and his wife to stay together right? seems like it's happening
     
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    Chessie

    Chessie Community Member

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    We maintain a poly relationship. In theory, in a healthy poly relationship the people involved don't send 'wrong signals'. Everyone is completely straightforward about their intentions with the people they meet and become involved with. The degree to which this is the case is usually the degree to which the relationship maintains it's health just as in a monogamous relationship.
     
  4. Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

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    the degree seems to be degrading, clear communication is hard as is in a monogamous relationship. Adding more people in which your accountable to stresses the relationship further, my advice : Talk to each other


    Edit:

    In theory monogamous couples don't send wrong signals either, seldomly that is the case
     
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    #4 Barnabas, Sep 26, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2010
  5. Nevermore

    Nevermore Regular Poster

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    So let me get this right. You advocated for your boyfriend and his wife to maintain their marriage and work on it. And now that he's doing just that you feel scorned? So what you really wanted was to appear to have your boyfriend's best interests at heart while secretly hoping they would split? You really don't like Christine because she spends money like water and has done terrible things to your boyfriend yet you outwardly professed that she was of value to him. Now that he's believed you, you are angry. Is this how it's going?

    Or is it just that you wanted them to stay together as long as you were his primary and she was the secondary, now that he's making her his primary you are miffed?

    Please correct me if I'm wrong because I'm also an INTJ and this is the logic I am seeing here. And a note here - INTJs are very rarely people pleasers. In fact I think it's safe to say never. Seeking the approval of others just isn't in our makeup.

    My conclusion? Sorry but you really have to swallow the outcome here especially considering how much time and effort you spent actively pushing for it. Did you really expect otherwise?
     
    #5 Nevermore, Sep 26, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2010
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