^ And are you likely to get it? Are you usually pretty assertive most of the time or only assertive when you really want something?
How easy is it to ask for what you want?
- Thread starter Gaze
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- Sep 28, 2008
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I'm not entirely sure. I think generally it's pretty easy for me to ask for things that I'm more certain I will get. It's more difficult for me to ask for things with a higher level of uncertainty of being rejected. But occasionally I still ask for things that I'm almost certain I will not get, so I have some sort of randomizing element at play. Maybe it happens when the rejection feels minimal in comparison to the lost opportunity.
It's a constant assessment of the cost of facing rejection vs whatever the benefit is for me, whereas I think for others who find it easier may care less or maybe not at all about rejection. It's highly circumstantial like the timing of the rejection, who will be rejecting me and under what pretenses.
I'm told that I'm a pretty assertive person but internally I don't feel that way much. I just try to exude kindness and genuine interest.
It's a constant assessment of the cost of facing rejection vs whatever the benefit is for me, whereas I think for others who find it easier may care less or maybe not at all about rejection. It's highly circumstantial like the timing of the rejection, who will be rejecting me and under what pretenses.
I'm told that I'm a pretty assertive person but internally I don't feel that way much. I just try to exude kindness and genuine interest.
I pursue what I want.
I don't know that I often ask for stuff, except as a practical adaptation to living in society and interacting with others. When I do ask, it's more often than not a proposed exchange, than a request for something to be given outright.
I don't mind people asking me for things, but I don't like to be in that position myself.
I don't know that I often ask for stuff, except as a practical adaptation to living in society and interacting with others. When I do ask, it's more often than not a proposed exchange, than a request for something to be given outright.
I don't mind people asking me for things, but I don't like to be in that position myself.
Sorry for typos in advance. I'm new here and I'm getting high on reading all of these enlightening posts.
It's extremely difficult for me to ask for what I want. I usually feel like I have to manipulate things in order to express how I feel. For instance, today I was bitchy to my partner. Once I realized I that I was engaging in psychosis, I decided to make tea for stress relief. I felt bad about being a jerk, and said this to my partner "I am making stress tea for myself, do you want tea? If so, what kind." I phrased the question this way so I could let him know that I am making an effort to calm down. If I was more assertive, I would have said "I want you to know I am working on calming down. I am making tea to help, would like a cup? What kind?" or something like that. I don't have the skill, so I'm not sure if I'm completely right.
I always fear that people will say no to me, so I manipulate them and they become incredibly angry after they realize what is going on. When I was a child, this is how I was able to get some of my needs met, but only when it appealed to my parents' patterns.
I knew I could get them to spend money on me, but couldn't get them to buy me healthy groceries. So, I milked what I could. This pattern doesn't help me in my adult life. A lot people dislike me because it makes it seem like I'm trying to take advantage of them. In a way, I guess I am. I'm trying to say something without really saying it.
When I was younger, I really wanted this guy's love and wasn't sure how to get it. I lost my virginity to him. Then, when he still didn't want to be with me, I ended up sleeping with someone else. I felt so guilty about it that I felt like I had to tell him. However, if I actually told him I would lose my chances with him completely (delusional much?).
Instead, I decided to tell a half-lie. I told him that I had been raped! I did this so I can let him know I had sex with someone else. This made things worse because he ended up threatening the person. So, I caused a great deal of drama, and was left with paralyzing guilt.
I've done this a lot through my life. I guess if I were honest, then I could be rejected and abandoned by the person I want
to like me. If I manipulate them, then I can see if they accept me without actually saying anything.
Anyway, I don't know if I answered your question or not. My patterns are really fucked up, I am a very mentally imbalanced.
It's extremely difficult for me to ask for what I want. I usually feel like I have to manipulate things in order to express how I feel. For instance, today I was bitchy to my partner. Once I realized I that I was engaging in psychosis, I decided to make tea for stress relief. I felt bad about being a jerk, and said this to my partner "I am making stress tea for myself, do you want tea? If so, what kind." I phrased the question this way so I could let him know that I am making an effort to calm down. If I was more assertive, I would have said "I want you to know I am working on calming down. I am making tea to help, would like a cup? What kind?" or something like that. I don't have the skill, so I'm not sure if I'm completely right.
I always fear that people will say no to me, so I manipulate them and they become incredibly angry after they realize what is going on. When I was a child, this is how I was able to get some of my needs met, but only when it appealed to my parents' patterns.
I knew I could get them to spend money on me, but couldn't get them to buy me healthy groceries. So, I milked what I could. This pattern doesn't help me in my adult life. A lot people dislike me because it makes it seem like I'm trying to take advantage of them. In a way, I guess I am. I'm trying to say something without really saying it.
When I was younger, I really wanted this guy's love and wasn't sure how to get it. I lost my virginity to him. Then, when he still didn't want to be with me, I ended up sleeping with someone else. I felt so guilty about it that I felt like I had to tell him. However, if I actually told him I would lose my chances with him completely (delusional much?).
Instead, I decided to tell a half-lie. I told him that I had been raped! I did this so I can let him know I had sex with someone else. This made things worse because he ended up threatening the person. So, I caused a great deal of drama, and was left with paralyzing guilt.
I've done this a lot through my life. I guess if I were honest, then I could be rejected and abandoned by the person I want
to like me. If I manipulate them, then I can see if they accept me without actually saying anything.
Anyway, I don't know if I answered your question or not. My patterns are really fucked up, I am a very mentally imbalanced.
I know the right thing would be to say yes, but that is extremely scary!! What if they don't respond well, and they hate me? Ahh...I would rather them leave because I Iied opposed to leaving because they don't like my inner thoughts and feelings.
I find that really hard to understand. The net result is the same.
How about not lying and not opening up about your inner thoughts and feelings?
...But I guess that isn't what this thread is about, and doesn't really put you in an active posture to address your needs. Perhaps being more passive/leave-it-to-chance is a better option for you; and less open to self-sabotage.
Instead of lying, or being open, why don't you take a more passive approach?
(You fear people rejecting you if you open up; and if you lie about yourself, you drive people away).
Can't you just keep people guessing, without disclosing/deceiving about yourself? (Ie. Be more focused on others in your conversation... Not that it's better/worse, but it's less fraught for you).
That makes sense for people I don't know well.
I should be less transparent with them, but the people this pattern comes up with are people are usually care about, so if I want to be as transparent as possible. It's hurtful when I am honest with most people though, so I see what you're saying. I should focus on where they are, and what they can handle.
My partner is the only one I should be completely honest with - and I've had a hard time telling him white lies. I've gotten better, but I know the pattern still exists.
Thanks for your response!
I should be less transparent with them, but the people this pattern comes up with are people are usually care about, so if I want to be as transparent as possible. It's hurtful when I am honest with most people though, so I see what you're saying. I should focus on where they are, and what they can handle.
My partner is the only one I should be completely honest with - and I've had a hard time telling him white lies. I've gotten better, but I know the pattern still exists.
Thanks for your response!
With your partner have you tried being neither honest, nor dishonest... But just interested?
If I want something, then I work towards getting it. And I am usually successful in the end. In my everyday life, I am naturally an assertive person but not in a pushy way. I make a plan, accept changes along the way, adjust accordingly, and then keep moving forward towards my goal.
When I really want something, nothing will stop me. I am extremely determined.
Assertive mostly in professional circumstances, but hella timid in others. I can share my thoughts with family but I have a hard time verbalize requests to others. I'm always afraid the answer will always be no. So I admire people who can be direct and ask for what they want. I agree about working hard to have the things you want but there's also the feeling of never knowing when to ask and getting up the nerve. And there's this constant feel of imposing on someone else and not knowing what to ask for or not knowing if it's ok to ask for more, especially if you've had experiences where your needs or wants come second to someone else's. However, I don't want to seem demanding or be a douche either if I'm asking for what I want but I don't want to be a coward or so timid that I don't even try. So, that's why I'm curious how easy is it for others to ask for what they want.
WonkyOracle
Permanent Fixture
I rarely tell people what I want. I've been back stabbed one to many times to make the mistake of sharing my dreams and needs with people. The rejections I've had have done little to stump my confidence in getting what I want though. I would need a specific scenario for me to answer this properly but I find that assertion doesn't have to be ballsy. Just firm and matter of fact seems to do the trick most the time. If the person I'm talking to starts wetting their trousers then I shut it off and move forward with the next step.
As with anything it depends on who you ask. My last job that was vastly more important and difficult I got pretty much everything I asked for. I asked for a raise every 6 month's and got it. This current unimportant job that these people take so seriously and that I work my butt off for I get nothing other than the backside of peoples hands. I make them look good, they get rewarded and I get crap crap in return. Bottom feeders will kill for scraps.
I see what you mean.
I would prefer not to have to ask anyone for anything but I think this trait is directly related to my need for independence. I feel that if I can do or get something on my own then I do not need to ask for help. And I can usually do/get it on my own no matter how difficult it might first appear to be. But when I am put in a situation that, in a sense, forces me to have to ask for something, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I do not like to impose on anyone and if I am put in that position, I am not okay with it.
Maybe something I need to work on.
it depends on place and time ,where I am asking and when I am asking. sometimes I get it and when I don't get it I ask for something else
I am a minimalist. I know what I do not want. I have no problem saying no to things. On the other hand, I seldom know what I want. But when I do, the feeling is strong.
My ability to ask for what I want goes hand-in-hand with my determination to have it.
My ability to ask for what I want goes hand-in-hand with my determination to have it.
i haven't got a clue when i ever had i asked anything from someone BUT i usually get what i want without having to ask. im simple and my crowd is too small so they know what i would be wanting or needing whichever that is.
Just a thought
Do you think this is fair to them?
And when they turn the tables inadvertently to "show you up" so to say and catch you in your own game, are you then surprised to find that they knew/suspected you were using manipulation all along? And after you become aware of being victim of your own game are you then angry or feeling guilty for having caused the issue to begin with?
only curious.