How do I turn down an emotionally unstable person without further hurting them?

[feltfriend]

I don't know if this is a common dilemma for the INFJ, but I have a tendency to occasionally attract extremely emotionally unstable women because I tend to be an empathetic person. I never have intentions to prey on vulnerable women, yet I've discovered that simply being kind often misleads them into thinking I'm interested, like really interested. I have been upfront with these types before about not being interested in them, yet more than once has this just caused me to be the victim of some pretty creepy stalkerish behavior.

So 1. I'm curious if this is common for INFJs 2. what is the best way to let these people know I can't be with them that will also minimize the fallout (I should probably throw in here that I've gone through the whole "you're just not for me blah blah blah" without success).

 

[sassafras]

I'm not sure there's anything you can do avoid hurting them all together. Rejection of any kind hurts, that's simply the nature of it.

Be kind, but keep your turn-down simple and straight forward. The less you say, the better. Emotionally unstable people have a way of clinging to words and trying to engage you further in conversation, preying on your sympathies and trying to guilt you into a role you are not prepared to play. There is nothing you can do to help them without indulging them. After you say your peace, be prepared to walk away.

 

[feltfriend]

I'm not sure there's anything you can do avoid hurting them all together. Rejection of any kind hurts, that's simply the nature of it.

Be kind, but keep your turn-down simple and straight forward. The less you say, the better. Emotionally unstable people have a way of clinging to words and trying to engage you further in conversation, preying on your sympathies and trying to guilt you into a role you are not prepared to play. There is nothing you can do to help them without indulging them. After you say your peace, be prepared to walk away.

This is probably the best solution. As much as I would rather not cause any more damage, it's probably best to do so immediately.

 

[Scientia]

I have been upfront with these types before about not being interested in them, yet more than once has this just caused me to be the victim of some pretty creepy stalkerish behavior.

So 1. I'm curious if this is common for INFJs 2. what is the best way to let these people know I can't be with them that will also minimize the fallout (I should probably throw in here that I've gone through the whole "you're just not for me blah blah blah" without success).

I have the same problem except it is mostly unstable guys and recently, a woman. I have had many stalkers who refused to listen when I told them directly that I did not want to have any more contact with them. They were all emotionally unstable.

1) I don't know if it is INFJ related but I do think that it contributed to each one thinking I was perfect for them because I understood who they were, at times better than they did. It is a natural counselor-type ability that most of us seem to have.
2) This is definitely a rip off the band aid moment. I agree with [MENTION=1360]TheDaringHatTrick[/MENTION]. Even then, they sometimes won't let go.

 

[feltfriend]

I have the same problem except it is mostly unstable guys and recently, a woman. I have had many stalkers who refused to listen when I told them directly that I did not want to have any more contact with them. They were all emotionally unstable.

1) I don't know if it is INFJ related but I do think that it contributed to each one thinking I was perfect for them because I understood who they were, at times better than they did. It is a natural counselor-type ability that most of us seem to have.
2) This is definitely a rip off the band aid moment. I agree with [MENTION=1360]TheDaringHatTrick[/MENTION]. Even then, they sometimes won't let go.

The band aid analogy is probably the best way to put it imo. Also, the last bit is what worries me the most usually. I'm still dealing with a certain girl who I told months ago I wasn't interested in, though she continues to try to invade my life in any way possible.

 

[bodhireagan]

So 1. I'm curious if this is common for INFJs 2. what is the best way to let these people know I can't be with them that will also minimize the fallout (I should probably throw in here that I've gone through the whole "you're just not for me blah blah blah" without success).

1. It happens with me, I also have the same tendency. I actually just ended a relationship with a very emotionally unstable woman, things went sideways very quickly and I had to scramble to keep myself out of her poisonous reach. What had started as a fun, enjoyable friendship had turned into an emotionally abusive relationship with an incredibly unstable woman.
2. Let them know straight forward that it is over. Be harsh yet honest if you need to. There are also circumstances sometimes where closure / letting them know that it is over, is the wrong move because it draws them closer / furthers the obsession. In those situations going cold turkey and completely removing them from your life is essential

 

[Erlian]

1.
Although I don't consider myself an INFJ, I do experience the same. In two cases they started crying when we were together and it was pretty late already (so I couldn't go home anymore with public transport). I am very understanding and accepting. I actually like girls who have some emotional problem. I'm attracted to it. I want to help them. This is quite a bad base for a relationship I've found. The first case (dysthymic depression) was not really something I could help with. But I did succesfully help the second girl get over her fear of having sex. Didn't end well though..

2.
Keeping it short would probably be best, but I'd do the following to rest my own conscience.
Be honest and sugarcoat it.
Sit down with her. Tell her your decision. Let her ask any questions she wants. Answer them.
Don't get tempted into changing your decision. Stick to it. Explain that you think and feel (is she T or F?) it is best that way.

 

[Gaze]

Hate to say it in this way, but the answer is simple. Stop being so open and available. The number one thing "nice" people do is they project this persona of "I'm here for you," and I am a sweet person who wants to help you if I can." If you keep putting out these vibes, people will keep being attracted. Start setting boundaries for yourself. Be more selective about the people who open up to or share yourself with. Don't project an air of availability. Use more closed body language. Be cautious to start, and then gradually open up to those you can trust. Don't be so accessible to everyone, because they will take advantage if you continue to be so available.