How do I (INFJ) motivate my INFP boyfriend?

Artemisia

Artemisia

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
My boyfriend is a cool guy and we get along pretty well. He listens to me for the most part, but there are a couple of areas which are sore spots. I am much more career oriented than him and realize that in order to get ahead, I have to promote myself and network. He is a philosopher and a poet (with PhD in the former) but has been relatively poor for so long that he seems to not realize that in order to improve his (and our) situation, he has to dress better, promote his work (he has written a lot, both philosophical texts and poems), and network with others. I have tried to introduce him to my colleagues and other people in his field, but he comes across as either shy or unfriendly.

How do I motivate him to improve his situation? He seems to respond to me getting angry, but I would rather not be yelling at him. I yelled at him about his drinking and he has not touched alcohol since then (I didn´t say no alcohol at all). What should I do to make success a habit for him? He is very talented and able and it is a pity to let his talents go to waste.
 
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Artemisia said:
My boyfriend is a cool guy and we get along pretty well. He listens to me for the most part, but there are a couple of areas which are sore spots. I am much more career oriented than him and realize that in order to get ahead, I have to promote myself and network. He is a philosopher and a poet (with PhD in the former) but has been relatively poor for so long that he seems to not realize that in order to improve his (and our) situation, he has to dress better, promote his work (he has written a lot, both philosophical texts and poems), and network with others. I have tried to introduce him to my colleagues and other people in his field, but he comes across as either shy or unfriendly.

How do I motivate him to improve his situation? He seems to respond to me getting angry, but I would rather not be yelling at him. I yelled at him about his drinking and he has not touched alcohol since then (I didn´t say no alcohol at all). What should I do to make success a habit for him? He is very talented and able and it is a pity to let his talents go to waste.
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External motivators can appear to be effective, but are typically more of a band-aid. Negative reinforcement in particular is generally not a good solution (i.e., don't belittle or yell at him if you expect a positive outcome; he's a grown man, not a teenager). Motivation toward long-term change has to come from within. Essentially, he will have to come to understand and value the importance of these things as steps toward positive personal growth.

Importantly - is he happy with his current situation or not? If so, you have a harder hill to climb because your definition of "career success" may not align with his values. If you've got it in mind to fundamentally change who he is, then I'm sorry to tell you that you're shit out of luck, and that has nothing to do with his MBTI type.

If he's not happy, then all I can suggest is to seek out positive outlets that align with his values and preferences. Since he's shy meeting people in person, see if you can help him get him involved with some online collective (lots of poets on DeviantArt, etc). There's more than one way in today's world to get your work out there and noticed. Keep encouraging his creative process.
 
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infinite dreams said:
External motivators can appear to be effective, but are typically more of a band-aid. Negative reinforcement in particular is generally not a good solution (i.e., don't belittle or yell at him if you expect a positive outcome; he's a grown man, not a teenager). Motivation toward long-term change has to come from within. Essentially, he will have to come to understand and value the importance of these things as steps toward positive personal growth.

Importantly - is he happy with his current situation or not? If so, you have a harder hill to climb because your definition of "career success" may not align with his values. If you've got it in mind to fundamentally change who he is, then I'm sorry to tell you that you're shit out of luck, and that has nothing to do with his MBTI type.

If he's not happy, then all I can suggest is to suggest positive outlets that align with his values and preferences. Since he's shy meeting people in person, see if you can help him get him involved with some online collective (lots of poets on DeviantArt, etc). There's more than one way in today's world to get your work out there and noticed. Keep encouraging his creative process.
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Yes!! So much this! :)
 
ruji said:
With a whip
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giphy.gif
 
Artemisia said:
My boyfriend is a cool guy and we get along pretty well. He listens to me for the most part, but there are a couple of areas which are sore spots. I am much more career oriented than him and realize that in order to get ahead, I have to promote myself and network. He is a philosopher and a poet (with PhD in the former) but has been relatively poor for so long that he seems to not realize that in order to improve his (and our) situation, he has to dress better, promote his work (he has written a lot, both philosophical texts and poems), and network with others. I have tried to introduce him to my colleagues and other people in his field, but he comes across as either shy or unfriendly.

How do I motivate him to improve his situation?
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Get married, then get pregnant.
He seems to respond to me getting angry, but I would rather not be yelling at him. I yelled at him about his drinking and he has not touched alcohol since then (I didn´t say no alcohol at all). What should I do to make success a habit for him?
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Remind him of his responsibilities as a husband, father, and man.

He is very talented and able and it is a pity to let his talents go to waste.
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I agree.
 
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INFPs have no problem being highly motivated if they believe in what they are doing and have clear goals about their careers. If he is dragging his feet, focus on tangible possibilities for him to achieve his dreams. Also focus on any self-esteem issues he may have by encouraging him.
Use a positive approach.
If you want him to dress better buy him something to wear and compliment him when he wears it, but without going too far outside his comfort zone.
 
infinite dreams said:
Importantly - is he happy with his current situation or not? If so, you have a harder hill to climb because your definition of "career success" may not align with his values. If you've got it in mind to fundamentally change who he is, then I'm sorry to tell you that you're shit out of luck, and that has nothing to do with his MBTI type.
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Totally agree. And hey, @Pin 's chomping at the bit if it doesn't work out with this guy ;)
 
This year he published seven poems in good journals, all because I encouraged him to submit and keep trying. He did get a lot of rejections, which is normal, but three journals published his poems. I don´t know why he is so unmotivated. He told me that he used to get beaten up by his older brother as a child so I guess that may have affected his self-esteem.
He is also clueless about dressing for success and networking. I have to encourage him in all of these things. But if he was motivated enough to get a PhD in philosophy and an MA in poetry, he must be motivated to become successful, right?
 
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as an infp my advice would be to not push him into anything he doesn't want to do. Encouragement in something he's already passionate about is one thing, but motivation to be someone that pleases you more will not please him. INFP's don't like when people try to change them.
 
Happy Phantom said:
I’m not sorry I had kids because they’re my life, however there aren’t any guarantees that the man will stick around.
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The legal obligations of spousal-support (alimony) and child-support almost certainly guarantee that any rational man will stick-around.

Which man would rather experience this than remain a married husband and father?

 
Pin said:
The legal obligations of spousal-support (alimony) and child-support almost certainly guarantee that any rational man will stick-around.

Which man would rather experience this than remain a married husband and father?

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I’m all for jail time. :tearsofjoy:
 
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