He's not making enough effort = telling him it's over | INFJ Forum

He's not making enough effort = telling him it's over

Artemisia

Artemisia

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May 20, 2014
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How would a typical guy react to a reply to his "hey there, beautiful" message (he has not contacted me in over a week, and I know he wasn't busy):

"Hi J, I just feel like you are not really into me. Hey, that's OK, we can still be friends. Cheers."

I mean, you are clearly telling him that it's over because you feel he isn't making much of an effort. If he tries for a bit afterwords and still does the same thing, should I tell him again that I don't feel he is really into me or break it off completely?

Basically, I am trying to get this guy to act......either step up or leave. He is playing limbo it seems....
 
Depends on the guy I reckon.

But that isn't telling him it's over. It comes off like you're fishing and says he's not putting enough effort into making you feel wanted. There's any number of ways to react to this and, again, it depends on the person and whether there's genuine interest.

Consider that you might have to make the definitive move. You tell him you've lost interest. If he asks why, take it from there. Preferably in a face-to-face discussion. Coffee, whatever.
 
Well, it's not telling him it's over because it hasn't really begun yet. We are still dating. So basically I want him to act, either way. I think with the above statement, I am telling him that I am OK with breaking up, but that if he is into me, I am willing to work on it.
 
The best scotch seems to be the oldest.
 
Just be extremely straight-forward.
(I think you've already been quite straight-forward though)

Make it clear you should go faster or stop. Maybe ask why he isn't putting in more effort.
If he doesn't increase effort, just stop.

As a guy I would respond in three possible ways:

Not really interested in you: "Ok, good luck in life, see ya."

Interested in you: "Alright, what about going on a date there and there at that time?" (Putting in more effort)

Doubting / not sure / don't want to go too fast:
Not really sure what I'd do here, mainly because I'm in doubt.
Rationally I'd want to know more about you to make a better decision. So I'd put in some effort to get to know you better.
But maybe he just wants to be dating occasionally instead of moving forward. Either because he doesn't want a relationship at all or because he's still recovering from a previous one.

Whatever his motivations are, you shouldn't keep yourself in limbo.
I am in limbo too now. I'm dating a girl who's interested in me, but because I'm moving abroad for half a year she doesn't want to emotionally invest in me (this is my well-founded speculation). Thus giving me very mixed signals.
I already confronted her, but we're having a chat this friday about what we're going to do. So I'm still in limbo, but certainly going to get out of it soon.

Be straight-forward and clear. Keep your word.
Stop if he doesn't put in any effort.
 
Erlian, the thing is that I tried this method with him three weeks ago. I sent him a text in reply saying "I feel like you are not really interested in me, but we can still be friends." He immediately sent me three texts in a row, saying that he plans to come see me in my country soon. WTF? How soon is *soon*? Since then, we have texted about other things, but it is very sporadic. Is he playing me? I just decided to give him a similar line if he does text me again.
 
Is this one of those guys you tried seducing who was already in a relationship?
 
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Artemisia said:
Nope. This is a single guy I met over the summer.
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Are you in different time zones and such?

I have been long distance before and sometimes there can feel like a monumental disconnect, particularly because when you are long distance the only thing you can really go on is the emotional component. If some part of that is not being fulfilled or is missing in communication it can be picked up on really easily and feel like the other party is not interested at all, even if that may not be the case.

Is it possible for you to go see him? Has he ever made any definite plans to come see you? Or do you think it's all talk?
 
It sounds like you don't know what you want.
 
Artemisia said:
Erlian, the thing is that I tried this method with him three weeks ago. I sent him a text in reply saying "I feel like you are not really interested in me, but we can still be friends." He immediately sent me three texts in a row, saying that he plans to come see me in my country soon. WTF? How soon is *soon*? Since then, we have texted about other things, but it is very sporadic. Is he playing me? I just decided to give him a similar line if he does text me again.
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He might just not have the time or resources to make it to your country, or it might be too much of a hassle for him atm, which would depend on how far away you two are and how hard it is to get to you to come see you. You would know better than I would in this respect because you have details I don't. Just outline clearly that you'd like more time together and if you can't get things working to get some time together, then the relationship isn't worth pursuing anymore. Is there any way you can get to him for a date? Again I'm more or less shooting in the dark here because I don't know many details.

Either way, I would
1)Make it clear that you need time with him in person if that's what you feel like you need in this relationship.
2)Really pin down an actual time frame on when that can happen, and work out the logistics. Then,
3)If that can't happen then you should just definitively break it off romantically because you have needs that aren't being met due to the circumstances of the relationship.
 
He is in Rome and I am in Madrid. It's not THAT far away. Most of our "relationship" has been conducted through Skype and texts. And no definite plans have been made for a trip other than him saying he'd come to see me "soon". It may just be that this guy is all talk and no action......or he may have found someone else.
 
Artemisia said:
How would a typical guy react to a reply to his "hey there, beautiful" message (he has not contacted me in over a week, and I know he wasn't busy):

"Hi J, I just feel like you are not really into me. Hey, that's OK, we can still be friends. Cheers."

I mean, you are clearly telling him that it's over because you feel he isn't making much of an effort. If he tries for a bit afterwords and still does the same thing, should I tell him again that I don't feel he is really into me or break it off completely?

Basically, I am trying to get this guy to act......either step up or leave. He is playing limbo it seems....
Click to expand...

I have never understood the concept of "dating" someone that you have never met in person, but alright. I see it happens, but it doesn't seem to turn out well for most people. Very much 'hit or miss' with more emphasis on the latter. Or maybe you have met him in person and continued online? I'm going to operate under the assumption that you haven't met in person, since I don't see it stated otherwise.

When the person doesn't live close by, a meet-up usually doesn't happen and you end up having a fake internet relationship until someones computer breaks. Or they find a real-life local person that they can bond and have real sex with. Let's be honest, meeting-up isn't as easy as it sounds. Rome isn't too far from Madrid but it definitely isn't too close. I think it's approximately 20 hours by train. Getting there, spending time with you, and then getting back is a mini vacation.

Does he work? He would need time off but might not have the time to do so. Does he make good money? If he doesn't, maybe he can't afford the trip and time off. Is he unemployed? Again, can't afford. Does he have a wife? Kids you don't know about? Can't go. Too busy. So many things to consider.

Maybe he has a good reason for not coming to see you right way, like the ones I mentioned minus the kid/wife scenario. Did you ask him what the hold up was?

Also, start saying what you mean instead of beating around the bush. No more 'you don't have time for me, but we can still be friends' just so that you can get a reaction. That's silly. Whether he likes you or not he will say 'of course I have time for you'. He doesn't want to look like a dick. Tell him you like him and you want to make solid plans to meet each other. If he can't do this then ask what the problem is. You might be able to help find a solution.

If he continues to lead you on with no results then end communication. But before you tell him that you no longer want to continue chatting, make sure you're serious about it. Mean what you say and be done with him. If you say one thing but mean another, you will definitely get played for a fool because that's how you will portray yourself.
 
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Artemisia said:
He is in Rome and I am in Madrid. It's not THAT far away. Most of our "relationship" has been conducted through Skype and texts. And no definite plans have been made for a trip other than him saying he'd come to see me "soon". It may just be that this guy is all talk and no action......or he may have found someone else.
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Mapquest has that at ~18 hours of driving barring a plane ticket, that's a lot of driving in my book. Are you in a better place financially to go to him than vice versa? You didn't actually address that and a lot of people suggested it.
EDIT:eek:r ~20 hours train as Anywhere But Here suggested if that's more feasible, I'm American and I think in cars and planes lol
 
Thread title: "He's not making enough effort = telling him it's over."

Your second post: "Well, it's not telling him it's over because it hasn't really begun yet. We are still dating."


...this makes no sense and I stopped reading at that point.

But for what it's worth, I don't like being pressured into commitment or making overtures that fall into that category. I suggest living your life and if he wants to get off his ass and see you, he will. But don't sit around and wait like a dog begging for food (texting for a reaction). Would be you comfortable dating a guy that you had to push to see you?
 
I'm of the opinion that if someone likes you, you don't have to ask them to put in the effort. They just do. Asking them at such an early stage in the relationship to step up just sounds a little needy.

That being said, I am also quite skeptical of never-met-face-to-face, long distance internet relationships. Although I will allow that things can work out wonderfully sometimes, most of the time, they do not. There's just too many missing components when you're not interacting face to face; physical chemistry, little habits, mannerisms, the full expression of traits, the bond you create when going on actual dates and interacting with the environment, etc. I just think these kinds of relationship tie up your emotional real estate and blocks you from meeting people in closer proximity.

Especially when there are no immediate plans to meet and discover if the connection would genuinely work.

In which case, if I were you and this guy was not putting in the effort while I was (especially after asking him about it once before to boot and knowing very well he had no legitimate excuse), I'd simply let my attention drift elsewhere.
 
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I think it would be better to move on.
 
Be direct. Don't hint. If you sound unsure, nobody could be blamed for being unsure about you. And if you say something, mean it. Don't just test or try to evoke responses.
 
The bit about you saying you don't think he is that into you is apt. If he wanted you, you would not have to prod him. Twice.
 
Artemisia said:
Erlian, the thing is that I tried this method with him three weeks ago. I sent him a text in reply saying "I feel like you are not really interested in me, but we can still be friends." He immediately sent me three texts in a row, saying that he plans to come see me in my country soon. WTF? How soon is *soon*? Since then, we have texted about other things, but it is very sporadic. Is he playing me? I just decided to give him a similar line if he does text me again.
Click to expand...

Ask him how soon is *soon*. Tell him to stop playing.
If you tell him that you'll stop if he doesn't put in more effort, actually stop if he doesn't! It seems like you accept his half-assed vague promises as effort. Tell him it's not enough.
 
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