Grass always greener on the other side

[Krumplenump]

Does anyone else suffer from this? I seem to to the extent it makes me into a person who seems never satisfied with the decisions I make regarding big things and thus leads to general indecision and finally thinking 'to hell with it'.

I brought this up because in September/October time I am likely to go on a bit of a travel round northern Europe with this girl I have known well for a little over 2 years. However, I KNOW that because of how I am I will think 'would it have been better if I'd gone with them'. I seem to have difficulty in enjoying the here and now with these momentous once-in-a-lifetime things and am constantly tossing up alternatives and failing to enjoy what could be a great time because of it. I'm fairly certain I do that because they ARE once-in-a-lifetime things and I want it to be perfect and with someone who I can be sure won't get on my nerves after a week on the road.

Does anyone else suffer from this stunting irritation and if so, do you have any methods to alleviate it's effects?

Side note: The girl who I would REALLY want to go with and KNOW that they would not piss me off after a while since we've had some great relaxed times together has just got married (though it wasn't all that happy an affair). So I think that could be making me think more 'what if I had gone travelling with her instead'.

 

[AUM]

Well recently I've been reading a book called "The Power of Now" (I forgot the author, sorry), and gives you very good advice about how can you live in the present. It says that most of people's troubles are caused by thinking too much in the future or the past. Furthermore, the first step to appreciate things is by asking yourself two questions regarding a situation that you're faced with: Either you can change or adapt to a situation. But after you have made a decision make sure you stay focused on the present and avoid any post obsessive thoughts that may occur afterwards that your decision has been made. Overall it gives you very good in life practices, I recommend it, it hasn't helped me much but it gives you something to think about.

 

[Bt4fl]

I have felt that way many times before. There is allways that little idea that pops up that wonders if things could have been better.

I believe the only way to stop feeling that way is to move your thoughts to the future. Set a goal for yourself, whatever it may be, and work your butt off for it. The more you think of the future, the less you mull over the past.

*Edit* About living in the "now"... That's something I have no clue how to do yet.

 

[jn56uytrx]

Does anyone else suffer from this?

Yes, very much.

Focusing on living in my present moment and accepting what it presents is the only way I've found to combat it.

As it sounds you already realize to some extent, every moment is a once-in-a-lifetime event. Unless you accept and savor each of them as they present, your life's moments will all pass by while you are forever busy planning the perfect "next" moment. The "next" will never arrive unless you stop and accept it when it offers itself.

Also, life has a way of balancing in my experience. Whatever "better" you can imagine usually comes with a balancing "lesser" that you had not imagined.

 

[Krumplenump]

Thanks for your replies. Realising the 'power of now' is key yes, thanks tovlo for cementing that. Sometime I do get an overwhelming feeling of utter satisfaction in what I am doing at that moment, something as small as settling down to read another chapter of a book at night, but with things that I know I won't be able to do frequently (travel) I want it to just be perfect and then when it's over feel i didn't experience it for all the fretting I did about ensuring it was perfect. I just gotta force myself to loosen the bolts a bit and take each day as it comes and as you said, savour the moment.

 

[jn56uytrx]

I'm glad it had some resonance.

I was challenged to accept this lack of mindfulness in my own life during a period of deep emotional distress. I found some of the mindfulness meditation exercises of Jon Kabat-Zinn to be helpful, though I am admittedly not as devoted as would likely be beneficial for me.

The counselor I was seeing during my rough times introduced some of the techniques of DBT in our time together (though I do not have BPD). I believe many generally emotionally healthy people could benefit from the perspectives of mindfulness, acceptance, and distress tolerance advocated in that form of therapy. I found it interesting that DBT was developed purposefully to be free of any religious connection and it was only after it's development that the developer was made aware of it's similarities to Buddhist philosophy.