It has come to my painful attention, using recent interactions with two girls over the past 2 months, that I don't how much to give and when to give it. How much of myself do I give to someone in order to develop trust between us? When do I give this to them? And should I expect an equal and incremental trade for trade of personal intimacy?
The notion that INFJs are slow to trust and that they will slowly reveal themselves only to those they feel comfortable with is one that I think is universally held. However, I'm starting to doubt this assumption in myself. On the rare occasion that I quickly become comfortable around someone, I feel my primary mode of capturing them as a romantic interest is to reveal parts of myself. I guess this is normal behaviour but for me I feel that there are two examples where I have not only misjudged the feelings of the recipient, but I have over estimated the returns to be received.
What inevitably happens is that, if the relationship doesn't quite work out the way I expected, I feel like I've broken a piece of myself off and I've cast the net too far to retrieve it when the person sails away. What ensues is emotional devastation and unnecessary psychological attachment to what is probably considered by the other person, a clean break.
It's not helped by ridiculously powerful physical symptoms to emotional attachment either. Constant adrenal release causing butterflies in my stomach, mindlessness and obsessive compulsive behaviour. It's all very silly and I know it.
The immense confusion is that I simply don't know how much to give to someone new. I don't what people want from me. I don't know what to give, how much and when. Mostly I'll be reserved and while that is a social stigma, it keeps me from getting hurt and allows me to slowly build friendships, if the person is still sticking around. When I get that feeling for someone however, that sense of "connection", something somewhere starts ringing alarm bells and my regular sense of awareness is kicked off balance.
The notion that INFJs are slow to trust and that they will slowly reveal themselves only to those they feel comfortable with is one that I think is universally held. However, I'm starting to doubt this assumption in myself. On the rare occasion that I quickly become comfortable around someone, I feel my primary mode of capturing them as a romantic interest is to reveal parts of myself. I guess this is normal behaviour but for me I feel that there are two examples where I have not only misjudged the feelings of the recipient, but I have over estimated the returns to be received.
What inevitably happens is that, if the relationship doesn't quite work out the way I expected, I feel like I've broken a piece of myself off and I've cast the net too far to retrieve it when the person sails away. What ensues is emotional devastation and unnecessary psychological attachment to what is probably considered by the other person, a clean break.
It's not helped by ridiculously powerful physical symptoms to emotional attachment either. Constant adrenal release causing butterflies in my stomach, mindlessness and obsessive compulsive behaviour. It's all very silly and I know it.
The immense confusion is that I simply don't know how much to give to someone new. I don't what people want from me. I don't know what to give, how much and when. Mostly I'll be reserved and while that is a social stigma, it keeps me from getting hurt and allows me to slowly build friendships, if the person is still sticking around. When I get that feeling for someone however, that sense of "connection", something somewhere starts ringing alarm bells and my regular sense of awareness is kicked off balance.