Giving too much

It has come to my painful attention, using recent interactions with two girls over the past 2 months, that I don't how much to give and when to give it. How much of myself do I give to someone in order to develop trust between us? When do I give this to them? And should I expect an equal and incremental trade for trade of personal intimacy?

The notion that INFJs are slow to trust and that they will slowly reveal themselves only to those they feel comfortable with is one that I think is universally held. However, I'm starting to doubt this assumption in myself. On the rare occasion that I quickly become comfortable around someone, I feel my primary mode of capturing them as a romantic interest is to reveal parts of myself. I guess this is normal behaviour but for me I feel that there are two examples where I have not only misjudged the feelings of the recipient, but I have over estimated the returns to be received.

What inevitably happens is that, if the relationship doesn't quite work out the way I expected, I feel like I've broken a piece of myself off and I've cast the net too far to retrieve it when the person sails away. What ensues is emotional devastation and unnecessary psychological attachment to what is probably considered by the other person, a clean break.

It's not helped by ridiculously powerful physical symptoms to emotional attachment either. Constant adrenal release causing butterflies in my stomach, mindlessness and obsessive compulsive behaviour. It's all very silly and I know it.

The immense confusion is that I simply don't know how much to give to someone new. I don't what people want from me. I don't know what to give, how much and when. Mostly I'll be reserved and while that is a social stigma, it keeps me from getting hurt and allows me to slowly build friendships, if the person is still sticking around. When I get that feeling for someone however, that sense of "connection", something somewhere starts ringing alarm bells and my regular sense of awareness is kicked off balance.

 

Thanks for the reply alt ctrl del.

Firstly, I'd say yes, I do rush it. If I meet someone I like I want to get their attention quickly. I don't want them fading away, or worse, forgetting about me. I don't think that I start spewing without being asked though. I think I get to a point where there is just a connection and then when I reach that stage I'll say something deep. If they react positively and they ask questions of it and relate things to themselves, which I believe they did, then I keep going.

I don't think it's a case of not being myself, maybe I'm being too much of myself, if that's possible? I don't bend to other peoples will and I'm not really into pleasing people, quite the opposite really. I guess that makes it all the more powerful when someone comes along and "gets" me, because few do.

I don't think these things have really affected the two girls so far but they have affected me. Despite this initial behaviour with the first girl, we're still going good. I think she has purposefully paced things. Spreading our interactions over time and I feel she too wants to tell me things but in due time.

Wow, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Like you were saying, I need to figure out why I do this. I don't know why, maybe I'm just too eager. I've been waiting so long that when it finally comes I over do it.

Sometimes I think I know so much and that I'm very emotionally mature for my age. That's why I'm interested in psychology, that's why I come here. Then other times I realise how painfully lacking I am in these areas. It just doesn't seem to be a problem for anyone else. People get together and stay together. I can't seem to achieve this without a significant amount of issues and pot holes along the way.