Giving too much

[Orion]

It has come to my painful attention, using recent interactions with two girls over the past 2 months, that I don't how much to give and when to give it. How much of myself do I give to someone in order to develop trust between us? When do I give this to them? And should I expect an equal and incremental trade for trade of personal intimacy?

The notion that INFJs are slow to trust and that they will slowly reveal themselves only to those they feel comfortable with is one that I think is universally held. However, I'm starting to doubt this assumption in myself. On the rare occasion that I quickly become comfortable around someone, I feel my primary mode of capturing them as a romantic interest is to reveal parts of myself. I guess this is normal behaviour but for me I feel that there are two examples where I have not only misjudged the feelings of the recipient, but I have over estimated the returns to be received.

What inevitably happens is that, if the relationship doesn't quite work out the way I expected, I feel like I've broken a piece of myself off and I've cast the net too far to retrieve it when the person sails away. What ensues is emotional devastation and unnecessary psychological attachment to what is probably considered by the other person, a clean break.

It's not helped by ridiculously powerful physical symptoms to emotional attachment either. Constant adrenal release causing butterflies in my stomach, mindlessness and obsessive compulsive behaviour. It's all very silly and I know it.

The immense confusion is that I simply don't know how much to give to someone new. I don't what people want from me. I don't know what to give, how much and when. Mostly I'll be reserved and while that is a social stigma, it keeps me from getting hurt and allows me to slowly build friendships, if the person is still sticking around. When I get that feeling for someone however, that sense of "connection", something somewhere starts ringing alarm bells and my regular sense of awareness is kicked off balance.

 

[acd]

Giving is a natural thing, it comes after a mutual bond is established.. It's one of those things that should mutually just happen. If the other person is as interested in you as you are them, they should pick up on subtleties of your personality that mostly go unsaid, and you build from there by talking about yourself more indepth to provide insight. And visa-versa.

Are these girls you're dating asking you questions about yourself or are you just divulging info in the hopes it will bring you closer? If you're just divulging the info unasked, I'd say that's a sign you're either not compatible (like you said, you've misjudged their feelings for you) or you need to take more time taking things slowly-- that it's appropriate to be more casual with them.

Do you think you rush into things romantically? If so, I think it's necessary to ask yourself why. That's crucial.

It sounds like you're afraid to be yourself because you are used to pleasing people to keep them around. That's no good for you. You'll never have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with that attitude. But you can change it. Just be true to yourself.

I think I can identify with you. In the past, I've dated people and had similiar concerns. I found then, that I had become consumed with keeping the other party interested until it no longer mattered to me if they were a good fit for me. That sort of attitude will only keep you on an agonizing road of heartbreak.

I understand why you feel like a piece of yourself is broken off if the relationship doesn't work. It's because you use your hidden self as a bartering tool right off the bat. It's as if you are plucking off the branches of a sappling and offering them as a token for the other to become more intimate with you. It's prematurely done. I would venture to guess you don't really know this hidden self, and that's why you feel broken after a relationship ends.

You should be able to reveal yourself to your romantic partner in a way that, if it doesn't work out-- you are still a whole person completely intact. It sounds like you've got a lot to learn about yourself and a lot of growing to do before you are able to have a truly satisfying relationship and maintain your whole self.

 

[Orion]

Thanks for the reply alt ctrl del.

Firstly, I'd say yes, I do rush it. If I meet someone I like I want to get their attention quickly. I don't want them fading away, or worse, forgetting about me. I don't think that I start spewing without being asked though. I think I get to a point where there is just a connection and then when I reach that stage I'll say something deep. If they react positively and they ask questions of it and relate things to themselves, which I believe they did, then I keep going.

I don't think it's a case of not being myself, maybe I'm being too much of myself, if that's possible? I don't bend to other peoples will and I'm not really into pleasing people, quite the opposite really. I guess that makes it all the more powerful when someone comes along and "gets" me, because few do.

I don't think these things have really affected the two girls so far but they have affected me. Despite this initial behaviour with the first girl, we're still going good. I think she has purposefully paced things. Spreading our interactions over time and I feel she too wants to tell me things but in due time.

I understand why you feel like a piece of yourself is broken off if the relationship doesn't work. It's because you use your hidden self as a bartering tool right off the bat. It's as if you are plucking off the branches of a sappling and offering them as a token for the other to become more intimate with you. It's prematurely done. I would venture to guess you don't really know this hidden self, and that's why you feel broken after a relationship ends.

Wow, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Like you were saying, I need to figure out why I do this. I don't know why, maybe I'm just too eager. I've been waiting so long that when it finally comes I over do it.

You should be able to reveal yourself to your romantic partner in a way that, if it doesn't work out-- you are still a whole person completely intact. It sounds like you've got a lot to learn about yourself and a lot of growing to do before you are able to have a truly satisfying relationship and maintain your whole self.

Sometimes I think I know so much and that I'm very emotionally mature for my age. That's why I'm interested in psychology, that's why I come here. Then other times I realise how painfully lacking I am in these areas. It just doesn't seem to be a problem for anyone else. People get together and stay together. I can't seem to achieve this without a significant amount of issues and pot holes along the way.