Getting to know someone slowly before falling for them?

I am an INFJ and I've noticed that it takes me a long time to feel close enough to someone to start a long-term, romantic relationship, despite strong attraction. Sometimes this causes the other person to assume that I am not interested and so many of my relationships fail to progress into anything serious. It's always been hard for me to understand couples who seem completely in love only a few weeks after meeting.

 

As it stands I've only ever dated friends, I generally don't get a rush of feelings for anyone unless I've gotten to know them a bit first. Without knowing them the only thing to base them on is their appearance and that is not enough to do it for me.

 

I need to get to know somebody before I really fall for them...but that hasn't happened in 20 years or so. I have run into ladies who are in a hurry to get married asap....and I know they don't really know me at all. That is kinda creepy....and way too typical (around here anyway).

 

This...

 

I can be interested in someone without knowing much about them, but still, I wouldn't really call that falling for them. However, I know that at the time, I can convince myself that's it's more than it really is.

So yes, I need to get to know someone, for that to happen. Apart from being attracted to someone, I need to get a general sense of the other person's personality, start to feel comfortable in their presence, trust them, and (most importantly) feel connected on an emotional level, to really fall for them. But those things, especially the last one, seem so rare for me to find, that's it's safe to say that it's not common for me to fall for someone in the first place. From the moment I crossed that bridge though, things can go pretty quickly. From the few times it happened, I know that when I fall for someone, I fall hard, and it's usually very unexpected.

So true for me too.

 

I am thinking that the super charged emotions we get when encountering someone we are suddenly into is natures way of melting our inherent emotional glaciation in order to activate procreation. But I could be wrong

 

I can resonate with this thought.
I'd say most of my 'interest', if you can even call it that, seems to come from a desire to not be alone anymore. So I constantly scan, looking for possibilities.. many times when I find someone I think might be interested in me, I grow interested.

But it's not because I'm actually interested in them so much as I'm interested in being in a relationship. I wouldn't call that falling for someone by a long shot.

So what does this mean? I haven't met her yet. I don't know when or where it will be but after all this time of waiting.. I'm sure I'll know it when I do meet her and I don't think I'll need to spend much time getting to know her. (by that I mean we won't need to be friends for 2 years until we start dating - slight exaggeration but you get the idea, no?)

 

And then you find someone who sweeps you off your feet when you're not even looking for it.