[INFJ] Gas station for the soul

[Chess]

I posted this on a general MBTI forum where I was considering not listing my type due to the nature of the friendships I was making:

I've also gotten the impression from a few friendships throughout my MBTI experience that, being an NF, I'm expected to be extremely forgiving and provide nurturing no matter how the other person acts towards me. Because NFs are just sweet little things who can't say no and heal everyone's hurt, right? They're like a cheap gas station for your soul.

I used to have this problem in my early teens online and off, but this was long before I ever discovered MBTI. I managed to get myself off the radar for these people by changing my demeanor, and my mental and emotional health skyrocketed. I was able to overcome a great deal of my personal and interpersonal anxiety due to the large shift in where I placed my responsibilities and loyalties, and forged new friendships that contributed to that health.

The biggest problems were gaslighting, listening to unending complaints day after day without an ear in return, no respect for boundaries, and instigating drama - sometimes just to make sure I cared enough to react. I have an honest-to-goodness confession from someone I used to know that a confrontation was started just to see if I cared enough to engage in it.

Since becoming involved in MBTI forums and taking on originally the label of INFP and then INFJ, I've been meeting them again and it's making me wary of reaching out and making new friends. Two out of the four people I've befriended have expected me to simply know why they're angry when they're angry and to be tender with them when they lash out at me, because INFJ, right? It's what we do. Be a jackoff and we'll just coo and say, "Oh, you poor thing. You're hurt."

I'm often hesitant to show great kindness and strong emotions for others online, because I know drawing these people to me like puppies to unattended food on the kitchen counter is only a matter of openly displaying that.

I'm wondering if anyone has similar experiences? Do people seem to hone in on you as an NF or INFJ with unrealistic expectations of what your friendship is going to provide and what you'll tolerate from them? Any ideas about what it is about me in particular that may be drawing them in again?

 

[moonlightam]

I cant personally confirm or deny anything, from my own experiences IRL - people more often arent aware Im INFJ and are still sponging me all the time, be it telling me their sad life-stories, someone wanting to borrow money or men in bad marriages wanting some "kindness", well all that sort of people - but they all leave my life as soon as they get what they want/need. When this happens now - I try turning my shoulder and not caring anymore. When you indicate that you will NOT be used and abused, people lose interest in using and abusing you. My only problem now is that i am very lonely. Though I guess loneliness is a better friend than the types that are drawn to me usually.

 

[#@&5&49]

I naturally empathize with people and want to help. It's hard for me to not do this and there's a lot of times that I enjoy it also. However, at this point in life I choose when, how much, and with whom I want to offer this too. Reciprocity is crucial for me, meaning, relationships need to be give and take where all involved are both giving and taking. I've gone through similar realizations and I was lonely for a while too, but it passed, and eventually people came into my life who were able to give as much as they were taking and do this in ways that respected me and them. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of them though, but for me it's about quality not quantity. If INFJ's are prone to thinking in terms of "One Human Family", conscious self preservation needs to be a part of that. Set boundaries, recognize leeches, and respect yourself.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

Well you have a bamby as you avatar and you're a compassionate female and a well articulated one, i would expect people who are consciously / sub consciously looking for motherly warm would come to you for puppy food. I'd change my avatar first. There's also the possibility you like it in a way, but you're doing it too much for your own good.
So either you like petting people or not, you should put strong boundaries, like when someone is being vampiric about your energy or when someone just doesn't stop bothering you, stop being "nice" and tell 'em "Look man, i got my privacy, i can't spend the entire day answering your messages".

 

[Chess]

Well you have a bamby as you avatar and you're a compassionate female and a well articulated one, i would expect people who are consciously / sub consciously looking for motherly warm would come to you for puppy food. I'd change my avatar first. There's also the possibility you like it in a way, but you're doing it too much for your own good.
So either you like petting people or not, you should put strong boundaries, like when someone is being vampiric about your energy or when someone just doesn't stop bothering you, stop being "nice" and tell 'em "Look man, i got my privacy, i can't spend the entire day answering your messages".

I do play the "big sister" figure to a few people. However, they're long-term, reciprocal friendships containing the kind of problems that are harmless to me (anxiety, depression) and not the kind of problems that grab ahold of my emotions and shake them like an ill-behaved child until they get what they want (gaslighting, manipulation, drama, objectification, etc). I don't mind helping people, but when they're a part of my personal life and damaging my personal life I'm not interested.

I do know how to cut them off cold turkey, but I'd like to avoid attracting their attention in the first place. Things like gaslighting are exhausting to put up with even for the amount of time it takes to realize what's happening, and I already have a lot of stress due to my father's Alzheimer's and other things. I'd hate to put on any kind of "mean front" and give up using the characters I like as my avatars, but you might be right. I've slipped a little over the years.

 

[Nixie]

I'm thinking egg and chicken here. I think it is very to easy to push off your own crap on other people than to acknowledge your own part in the life you lead. Perhaps the fault lies inside you and your actions. It is obvious from your posts that you are the one who has defined "what an INFJ is" and therefore your analysis of how others are reacting toward your MBTI type are tainted with your own prejudges. What is the point of friendship if not to have an ear to talk to and offers of support? The need for boundaries in any relationship are vital to the health and you have to be willing to tell someone they are crossing yours before it turns into bitterness and resentment. I would say that your problem isn't that INFJs are "gas stations for the soul" but that you have become entrenched with the idea that you are. It is like coming up with the idea that the color blue is the most prevalent one in the universe and so you see blue everywhere because that is the expectation you have invested yourself with.

 

[Chess]

I'm thinking egg and chicken here. I think it is very to easy to push off your own crap on other people than to acknowledge your own part in the life you lead. Perhaps the fault lies inside you and your actions. It is obvious from your posts that you are the one who has defined "what an INFJ is" and therefore your analysis of how others are reacting toward your MBTI type are tainted with your own prejudges. What is the point of friendship if not to have an ear to talk to and offers of support? The need for boundaries in any relationship are vital to the health and you have to be willing to tell someone they are crossing yours before it turns into bitterness and resentment. I would say that your problem isn't that INFJs are "gas stations for the soul" but that you have become entrenched with the idea that you are. It is like coming up with the idea that the color blue is the most prevalent one in the universe and so you see blue everywhere because that is the expectation you have invested yourself with.

I'm actually the first one to argue against type stereotypes. This is based on what the negative friends have said about INFJs and their abilities, not what I believe we're supposed to be or do.

The point of a friendship isn't support, it's reciprocal support. If someone consistently ignores the needs and boundaries of another, treats them as a means to an end, or causes deliberate harm and drama, it's not a friendship.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

I do play the "big sister" figure to a few people. However, they're long-term, reciprocal friendships containing the kind of problems that are harmless to me (anxiety, depression) and not the kind of problems that grab ahold of my emotions and shake them like an ill-behaved child until they get what they want (gaslighting, manipulation, drama, objectification, etc). I don't mind helping people, but when they're a part of my personal life and damaging my personal life I'm not interested.

I do know how to cut them off cold turkey, but I'd like to avoid attracting their attention in the first place. Things like gaslighting are exhausting to put up with even for the amount of time it takes to realize what's happening, and I already have a lot of stress due to my father's Alzheimer's and other things. I'd hate to put on any kind of "mean front" and give up using the characters I like as my avatars, but you might be right. I've slipped a little over the years.

Well, look at it this way, sexually attractive women (for example) are attractive, that's just the way it is. They attract sexually interested men (or women on occasion). A woman like that doesn't have to be giving sexual benefits to whoever comes and asks, begs, or tries to take it by force.
Each person has his own challenges to deal with in life. One of yours is that you are (apparently) emotionally attractive and as such you attract people seeking emotional benefits.
However, you can decide on who to give it to, when, where and how much.

I'm not sure you can "delete" this emotional attractiveness. I might be wrong, but i think you should learn to live with it, and decide for yourself what to do with your gifts.

 

[Nixie]

If someone consistently ignores the needs and boundaries of another, treats them as a means to an end, or causes deliberate harm and drama, it's not a friendship.

Again, keeping "score" isn't friendship either. I would point out that what you have defined above is a subjective perspective as well. I don't doubt that there are those who make lousy friends and may do such things to you. I don't doubt it all. What I doubt is that you didn't play a part on how that type of friendship evolved. It is so nice and easy to play the victim and lay all the ills of the world at someone else's feet but much harder to look inward and see what part of the mess involved your direct actions/inactions. You ask how to avoid such people, my response is "change yourself" and "take responsibility for your relationships" because the Other isn't to blame for your unhappiness, your choice to cultivate/contribute/accept/tolerate whatever you want to call it, is. Friendships, like most relationships are work, they take effort. I also say that perhaps your attitude that you are being used (by certain people) is a direct result in part because you see yourself in that role. I suspect you will find another way to deny this though because it is much easier to push stuff onto others, especially if you are determined to assign blame and fault. Interpersonal relationships aren't about right or wrong, they are about connections--hits or misses so to speak.

 

[barbad0s]

I do find that people come to me when they are in a hasty need to release their shit.

But yes, people on MBTI sites often do hold preconceptions of others based on type (I wonder why). I've found that there are also a lot of people with unstable lives and emotions in the MBTI community... As well as those who are a little bit socially challenged when it comes to not crossing boundaries, and timid introverts who don't know how to set and in force personal boundaries. And people often try to act like the MBTI type they think they are on top of it. Because then otherwise others will contest their type. And it's a hassle to explain that stereotypes are just stereotypes to those who aren't already conscious of it.

 

[Platypus-Books]

By the way you phrased it, I'm guessing that you've told these people multiple times in where your boundaries are. And yet, they've still crossed the line. In some semblance I vaguely/slightly know how people have come to you as a refuge of sorts, to rant and rave all their troubles away. Thus, this leaves you emotionally drained and bitter. Well, more like - that's how I feel. I'm still working on a friend who is going through depression, but unlike your situation, he does give back. Since I'm not you, I don't know if my method of dealing with these type of people will actually work.

I'm still actually a bit surprised that they've started conflicts just to make sure that you DO in fact care. But, when you mentioned how some people are going their own problems emotionally and socially - it draws back my aghast. Still though, they should know better, but then that's their choice. Nothing we can exactly do about it.

Anyway, what I do when someone continually comes to me to confess all their troubles away is that I stay indifferently polite. I listen, but I tune out my feelings. I'm not exactly sure in how to explain this thoroughly enough, but it's like this:

I care, honestly I DO care, but when I turn down the intensity of my feelings to a surface level - I end up not feeling as emotionally invested or wasted. I still do care, and not to sound rude, but my emotions about their situation are very shallow. However, in the end, I see the rationality of their feelings and understand their view perfectly. Though, this is without all the emotions to burn and enlighten my soul. For it's that starting flame that causes my urge to then help and become fully invested and caring.

Sorry if that doesn't help; though, I hope it does to some extent. I'm new to this and just forums and general. But this seemed like a site where I could just talk, and talk, and talk about either deep topics or just conversation in general since my friends just like to gossip. Plus, I rarely feel connected to them when those deep topics do show up.

Oh, I'm just blabbing now, sorry.

Anyway, I wish you good luck with your friends and this problem Chess, because I fear that the final solution is just cutting them loose. :/

 

[#@&5&49]

For me, I had to learn how to set boundaries just being a person on the planet living in the world, everyone has to do that. On top of that I also had to learn how to set boundaries that operate in a completely different realm (if that makes any kind of INFJ sense). It took me a long time to distinguish between the two. BTW, I love that title "Gas Station for the Soul". Yeah, boundaries are important, but so is giving. Balance. Practice shielding, mine looks like this...

View attachment 18553

 

[PandaBookie]

Please!! Someone make a gas station for the soul! I wouldn't mind just running to the gas station, refill myself for ten minutes then run out the door again! My goodness, soul-heaven