Frequent upset

I definitely self sacrifice to the point where it's detrimental.
I'm always afraid of hurting others because I know I can execute people at their mental roots with a single move. I can see the red button but by all means I definitely will not push it.
For some reason I see everyone else as being incapable of carrying pain so I take the fall myself. Or more like I see the pain and insecurities they are already in and feel they are too fragile to deal with more.

 

I was like this. I have been discussing this with another on the board. Just because you go round thinking you take other peoples burdens on your shoulder, doesn't make you a good person. You just end up miserable. As an INFJ you need to find a balance between helping others but also helping yourself.

If someone insults you and you let them because you think its the right thing to do, that is not being good, that is weakness. Doing the right thing means doing hard thing every time. It is hard for you to stand up for yourself, yes? Then you must do it.

You will be capable of giving so much more to people if you become the person you want and sort out what YOU want in life. Then when you turn around and help other people, it's not because you need it, it's because you want to. That is so much more profound. Don't go round crippling yourself at the expense of others because chances are they are not aware that you even are. Most won't even begin to comprehend these feelings that you have.

Being good isn't about being a wet blanket or soft or light or accommodating. It is these things but it also strong and hard. Good is as strong as evil and has to be equally ferocious but uses it for opposite means. Ferocious doesn't mean bad, just good in a strong way. You have to be very, very strong to be good, stronger then those who aren't.

 

I completely agree with you.
Fortunatley I've slowly learned to become this strong person and stand up for myself without completely decapitating people in the process. By no means will I roll over anymore and take the punches I don't deserve but I still take the hits for someone I think is deserving of the effort.
Unfortunately though you need to experience the perils of being weak before you truly can become strong within yourself.

 

count me in. I'm also in limbo..

 

I relate to this quite a bit but don't experience it with that level of pain anymore. I think that the trick with dealing with people verbally abusing you, not really because of you, but more because of themselves, is basically just getting handy at feeling and understanding why, and then sort of padding your words for their acceptance of your perspective. Let me try to explain.

So a lot of people will reinforce their ego and pride in any way they possibly can, and I think that we are in a position where we don't have to "win" in these little bouts in the way that they do, as though our source of pride and security is a comfortable distance apart from theirs. Then a trick is seeing this difference in where that feeling of security comes from for them, and then reasoning with them with that in mind.

So I don't know how exhausting that sounds or not, but I think for people like us, it starts to happen almost instinctually. And as far as I'm concerned, any amount of interacting with people contains at least a little of this, so, my solution is just to clear out stretches of alone time where I can just soak in my own thoughts.

 

People who are verbally assaulting you for egotistical or malicious reasons cannot be reasoned in that way. They want you to capitulate, doing that will be their security.

Not letting someone get to the point where they feel they can do so, is the real solution.

 

I've dealt with a few of these people who actually respect me now.
Just pretend their put downs don't get to you. In fact if you can be obviously confident with yourself while doing this all the better. You are the nut that won't be cracked so what can they do other than to join you or leave you alone?

 

Hmm, I appreciate this idea Yield, it does seem to be more fair to ourselves to not let anybody think that they can just run at the mouth for their sake and seemingly at our expense. I suppose I should say that I often will make efforts to make them see how comfortable I am in my perspective, and if it gets bad enough, to show them that I see what they are doing with escalating coarseness. Also if it gets bad enough I will sometimes hold out hope for a bit that there is enough people surrounding me unlike the offender, or that somewhere in the offender is a distance awareness, to notice where the real good-will, strength of character, or better perspective is in those situations.

 

it is inspiring and strong of you to exemplify your values and maintain your faith in others through your wanting to help them despite having been hurt by the unconscious actions of certain people.

i know it isn't easy to recognize the goodness in others especially when it seems to be deeply covered by layers of negativity when they abuse us. just remember that those who rashly act this way are projecting their own deep-set pain outside themselves though they nor the person they are doing this to may realize it. they're just reacting to the image they have of you in regards to such and such a disagreeable way they might see you. so it's not personal because they do not in fact know you as a person.

it is all too easy to take sides when this happens and label not just them but also yourself in this situationif (e.g. you as the 'victim', them as a terrible person who should be condemned). i realize that it is sound to say that what they do is hurtful, that it creates pain not just for you but also for themselves. however, you cannot really solve the pain you feel inside by identifying with how wronged you were by them and how they should have known better, which in reality if they had known they wouldn't have chosen to create pain in the first place.

so it is sound to forgive them in this case. not forgiveness as refuting all thought that they did no harm, but as an acceptance that it happened and that they did not know better then. by forgiving, you cease to be the victim, and thus it instills the power to transform your own pain into acceptance and their rashness into understanding. this allows for positive change.

if this continues on though, it works well to not react or retaliate in such a way that matches theirs. in other words, do not feed them what their ego wants (may it be either total withdrawal of your own position in support of theirs or reacting in heated opposition against them). it is always better to dissolve than to fight it in my opinion.

 

Meh. This hit way too close to home.

This is where I have been pretty much all of my life, except that I'm completely aware that they're not aware of it and that they can't / don't comprehend my feelings. But, well... I don't know any other way.

What's the solution?

 

If we are talking about how to de-escalate malicious social behaviour towards ourselves, and I'm putting this in the context of INFJs, then waiting usually only serves to strengthen their ego and dampen your confidence. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets. You need to be pro-active or "Pre-emptive", which requires social skills that allow you identify people who are gonna to pick on you. When they do, react instantly. A second chance is available before you slip into victim but if not you'll just have to avoid them. But who wants to live life avoiding people?

As an INFJ, there are people all around me who would love to pick me apart. They want to exploit my weaknesses. They are insecure and see something in me that they want or feel intimidated by. Because I have an understanding of their behaviour, and past experience to learn how to deal with it, assertiveness at the soonest possible moment is the only guarantee. Of course, I still struggle with this, I'm still learning. Most people who pick on me are significantly older, for some reason. They are cowards, picking on a 19 year old but hey, that's their problem.

Ignoring them and letting them know their behaviour doesn't bother you is the first step, as IndyJ said and they'll usually get bored. DON'T let them see that they are having an effect on you. If there is an event or you are around others and you don't go or are quiet because the offender is there, they will leach off this. When they see they can't crack you they'll move on.

Painful experience is necessary to get it right. If it gets really severe, call there bluff and be willing to back up your words.

 

These feelings are the gift of being an INFJ, I think. We may have a lot of shitty traits but our sense of morality and empathy is a really amazing thing. Unfortunately, life doesn't give us many opportunities to exercise these traits because being introverts, we internalize them.

The answer is to be intelligent with this ability. You must learn to know who deserves your empathy and compassion and when and where to wield it. Learn to recognise people and places where you can actually use it, so that it becomes an action. So that people can see and observe it- where it can be quantified in value outside of your head.

I walked around thinking I held all the worlds problems on my shoulder. I thought I was a good person because of it. I wasn't because I couldn't do anything with that! You need to sharpen your pencil, so to speak, and learn to see who actually deserves it and where it can actually be used.

 

Any conflict going on around me causes me to wince inside. That's not unusual for sensitive people. For that, I have learned to hit my dull switch as soon as I start to feel it. As far as people verbally abusing you, who are these people? If they are 'friends' distance yourself from them, take a time out, who needs it. Standing up to people is only as important as it makes you feel about yourself. If you don't feel like a wimp, then don't worry about it. If this really upsets you, perhaps calling them at their own game may be the solution. When people get nasty with me, instead of coming back with one better or trying to explain myself, I simply say things like 'Dude, what the hell, you've lost control what's your problem?' Put the attention back on them, it gives you time to pull yourself together, puts them in a tough spot, and basically changes the subject. You are only 18 years old, most of these people won't even be in your life a few years from now.