Fed up with modern dating/“quick sex”

[HollyBeeTheENFP]

I’m losing hope in people and in modern dating. I despise seeing so so many people engaging in a system that I find entirely trivial and meaningless— meeting up, having sex right away, attempting to frantically throw emotions in, seeing other people, it lasting for two months and the cycle starting all over again. Am I the only one who wants to barf at this? Am I the only one actually deep around here?

What I want is to build up intimacy with someone. Slowly, but deeply. Isn’t that what’s real? Isn’t that what matters?!

I crave the deep emotional connection SO MUCH and find it so rare. I don’t care if I have to wait YEARS for that to happen, the depth that comes that way is astronomical and incomparable to anything else. Is it not that emotional depth that brings physical connection as well?
I have done that before, of spending years of time investing in someone slowly but surely , and as that connection built it later on brought the physical side. That is SO MUCH more worth it than engaging in random sexual acts with random people .. why do people do this? Why do people start dating someone random and just have sex right away? You DONT KNOW THEM. You haven’t given them your soul. I’d much rather wait until I find someone who I want to give my SOUL to. Gosh, the depth behind that. That’s what means something. Emotionally, physically, everything. Everything else is insubstantial and pointless.
Does anyone else work this way? Are there any others who see a depth of intimacy this way?

 

[ThomasJ79]

After my separation I tried a few internet dating sites and found them to be set up in a way that discourages getting to know someone on a deeper level. The swipe culture is very shallow. Also, women are bombarded by men online and sent d*** pics all day long. I can't imagine getting that kind of attention. Who does that? Anyways, women encourage interested men to "stand out" from the swarm of these types of men. It is not easy to do when you are introverted and on the sensitive side of things.

I can't do bars. Sometimes I desire physical intimacy and wish I could just go out and take someone home, but I know that this would be unfulfilling. I would rather wait for someone I connect with on a deeper level first.

I think when you are looking for something like this, you can't find it, and when you aren't looking it has a way of finding you.

 

[Milkshake]

You're not alone; not everyone is looking for quick sex.

I hope that you find what/who you are looking for here.

 

[Morticia D]

There are a lot of things I just don't get about "dating", and it is just a wste of time trying to figure it out. I was never a part of that scene. To me such people are sick and weak. Eventually they even get bored by hook-ups with random strangers and they need to do something more extreme and unhealthy.

For some reason they consider themselves modern and edgy. I think they are disgisting. I just stay away from that crowd, and make my best choices without their influence. Promiscuity just to fit in is the exact opposite of healthy self-esteem. And having sex with anyone, hoping they may eventually love you is just flat out sad. The belief that you can pay for love on your back is the epitome of human tragedy.

 

[Pin]

Seriously though.

I am not a hook-up person because I don't have time for that nonsense. Also, I don't want to bring low-quality people into my life.

I've been in situations where women wanted to have sex with me and I turned them down because I had to study or wake up early the next day. Why do I do weird shit like that? Because I have a vision of my life that doesn't include knocking up women who aren't my wife or catching venereal disease.

What you need to find is a man on a mission! Men like that aren't on Tinder or in the bar every Friday. They're not approaching every woman they see.

Frankly, the more virtuous you become, the more likely you are to find such a man who is husband material.

 

[Pin]

After my separation I tried a few internet dating sites and found them to be set up in a way that discourages getting to know someone on a deeper level. The swipe culture is very shallow. Also, women are bombarded by men online and sent d*** pics all day long.
I can't imagine getting that kind of attention.

Relative to most men, most women are bombarded with attention in general. It's not just dating apps or websites.

Dating apps or websites are not where a man should go to find a good wife, they're a sausage fest. A man who wants a good wife should go to the gym, university, church, and the military. This is not because there are magical angelic women at church, in the gym, university, or the military.

This is because these environments encourage a man to improve himself, especially the military. Once you get educated, get in great shape, become professionally successful, the dynamic begins to shift.

Suddenly, you get bombarded!

Who does that? Anyways, women encourage interested men to "stand out" from the swarm of these types of men. It is not easy to do when you are introverted and on the sensitive side of things.

I can't do bars. Sometimes I desire physical intimacy and wish I could just go out and take someone home, but I know that this would be unfulfilling. I would rather wait for someone I connect with on a deeper level first.

I think when you are looking for something like this, you can't find it, and when you aren't looking it has a way of finding you.

Get financially/professionally successful, muscular, and educated.

You'll find it!

 

[Pin]

There are a lot of things I just don't get about "dating", and it is just a wste of time trying to figure it out. I was never a part of that scene. To me such people are sick and weak. Eventually they even get bored by hook-ups with random strangers and they need to do something more extreme and unhealthy.

For some reason they consider themselves modern and edgy. I think they are disgisting. I just stay away from that crowd, and make my best choices without their influence. Promiscuity just to fit in is the exact opposite of healthy self-esteem. And having sex with anyone, hoping they may eventually love you is just flat out sad. The belief that you can pay for love on your back is the epitome of human tragedy.

You're right to avoid the promiscuous crowd. Focus on great results and you will see the progress.

 

[ny7x]

100% agree!
And the only therapy i need is to stay in my attic!
I find today's world too dangerous to my INFP heart to keep going blindfolded to all narcissists and sociopaths out there.
It's funny how i spot them out by the mutual attraction!
That's a guarantee for a fun experience EVERY TIME!!

but by the way, dear @HollyBeeTheENFP
even if you peak out of your cocoon for a mere second, if real love is to strike you like a thunder, it will find you and it will!
It might be for good, but it might be for better if it doesn't turn out right.

i wasn't going out any more and it came and found me inside my home!
Now it's been years i've been trying to find the self i was before.

I'd suggest you turn your focus away, into something that allows you to relax and be yourself, and your circle will change closer to what you love most.
There are thankfully too many interesting people avoiding the norm themselves and even if you keep going to this "nightlife" you won't find them there anyway!

And remember: A cocoon was never a bad idea to the butterfly's point of view.
it only looked like a bad idea to the eyes of the caterpillar!

 

[JustPhil]

I am currently doing the dating scene on a dating site. I looked at where I was, how good my chances of meeting someone was, and decided to. Yes, similar to @ThomasJ79, I'm not into bars or anything. They're probably the wrong type of person for me anyway

So in two years I have had about ten dates. It *is* a visual medium .. so much so that many people don't even bother to put a profile of themselves up. But I figure I can tell a lot from the look of a person. I may be wrong, but the first chat or if it gets to it, the first date tells me that.

As a guy, I hate to say it (as I was brought up in an environment that pushed the other way), but I am similar to @HollyBeeTheENFP. I want to move slowly and be sure.

So when I get a match, I grill them before even going on a date. I will test the waters with a series of questions. One word answers to questions sort of just turn me off so many go by the wayside pretty quickly. Seem to be a lot of people have no ability to communicate or perhaps they are just busy with other prospective people? Then if a date happens it's about again finding out what sort of person they are. There are a lot of "if's and but's" people can throw up about the method (what if they're shy, what if they're having a bad day) but I sort of figure maybe the universe is just trying to tell me something. So I go with my gut .. and fate.

In the end remember this is only a tool to make that initial connection. You need to control where things go after that. "Make it your bitch" as they say.

I decided a long time ago that my values were going to be upheld and I would wait as long as I needed to to find someone.

 

[Sandie33]

Also, women are bombarded by men online and sent d*** pics all day long. I can't imagine getting that kind of attention. Who does that?

Unhealthy people and...
Pan sexuals.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality
A good definition.

**IMHO, one should really understand oneself sexually before sharing physical intimacy with anyone. Experience may come from practice, but one should be sure of their ability to handle the consequences before they go out and practice.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

As a guy, I hate to say it (as I was brought up in an environment that pushed the other way), but I am similar to @HollyBeeTheENFP. I want to move slowly and be sure.

Don't hate that crap! Own it! Real men aren't afraid of connections and intimacy, and don't believe kindness and compassion is for wussies. Own that shit! Lol

 

[JustPhil]

Don't hate that crap! Own it! Real men aren't afraid of connections and intimacy, and don't believe kindness and compassion is for wussies. Own that shit! Lol

I don't hate it .. I just hate to say it, because I think I have been conditioned to not show emotions and to be distant and non caring about things. At least where I grew up and a long time ago. Its not until you start questioning it that you realise that you are different and it's ok. But then it is still a long road to cutting the "wrong parts" out of your psych.

Baby steps as they say

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

I don't hate it .

Sweet. I agree with everything you wrote here. You get it. Woop!

 

[Milkshake]

Here's my two cents:

Like already mentioned before, the key is not to look for a meaningful relationship.

Live life to the fullest, strive to be your best self and live true to your values. You'll attract the right people and out of them potentially a meaningful relationship.

The whole concept of soulmate is flawed in my opinion and that's one of the reasons why the dating scene is what it is today. We're shown in movies how perfect relationships looks like and we constantly run behind that ideal. Social media doesn't help with this as we tend to think that there's always someone better out there so as soon as we have a doubt, we jump ship.

Also, some people believe that they need someone to complete themselves. The truth is that one needs to be complete first in order to enter a relationship and genuinely care for someone else.

To sum up, what I want to say is that you don't need a relationship to be happy. Try to become the best version of yourself and try to find happiness inwards. When you do, the right people will walk into your life because you'll irradiate a powerful and attractive energy.

Cheers.

 

[mintoots]

Celibacy is okay. It removes the disappointment. All that's left is craving (which exists in careless dating anyway). Celibacy has lesser casualties and collateral damages.

 

[mintoots]

Seriously though.

I am not a hook-up person because I don't have time for that nonsense. Also, I don't want to bring low-quality people into my life.

I've been in situations where women wanted to have sex with me and I turned them down because I had to study or wake up early the next day. Why do I do weird shit like that? Because I have a vision of my life that doesn't include knocking up women who aren't my wife or catching venereal disease.

What you need to find is a man on a mission! Men like that aren't on Tinder or in the bar every Friday. They're not approaching every woman they see.

Frankly, the more virtuous you become, the more likely you are to find such a man who is husband material.

@Pin you're a rare specie and even when men like you exist, the attractiveness factor may or not be there regardless or regardful of physical appearances. It's a shot to the moon this whole dating and hoping you find someone worth it thing.

To a very certain degree, I despise some of the people i used to love who found their others (who happen to be much more physically attractive). It's embittering. Lol. But for sure, these things are circumstantial. So they got it good now. It isn't always that way anyway. At very certain points, relationships are and will always be a piece of work. Unfortunately, there's too much availability of supply for people to want to fix the broken ones. Blame mass production and capitalism.

 

[philostam]

I admire people who abstain. I think it's a good choice.

On the other hand, it only works if you feel comfortable with it. If you abstain but then either feel guilty or curius or whatever else feeling, then it's just better to get it over with. That was my approach. My INFJ girlfriend for example abstained untill she met me, and she told me she was totally fine with waiting. She had good relations with family and friends and didn't need anything else.

 

[mintoots]

This is not because there are magical angelic women at church

In the same vein, a woman seeking a legitimate relationship should be spending time on the gym, the church, and university not to expose oneself to others but to feel best about one's self. Learn a new language over humping on the next cutie. Such meaningless things are careless drugs but some people still do it precisely because it's easy. Seriously, who even cares for substance? Not so many. People will always like convenience thinking it's the best way to success. It's how we are wired. Ultimately, we are much more prone to despising the things we don't work hard for because it shows how little value we place on that investment.

 

[mintoots]

even if you peak out of your cocoon for a mere second, if real love is to strike you like a thunder, it will find you and it will!

Seriously. Is there a venue for this? Are there tickets? How come God hasn't me the invites? Hehe kidding aside, falling in love can be few and so far in between for many of us. Don't be depressed if it is, though. You are fine as a human being regardless.

 

[mintoots]

Don't hate that crap! Own it! Real men aren't afraid of connections and intimacy, and don't believe kindness and compassion is for wussies. Own that shit! Lol

On the contrary, kindness and compassion is only for the brave. Those incapable of it are pure cowards. But some are cowards nonetheless. You can be kind and compassionate and still be a coward. To not be a wussy, believe in yourself and your capacity for loveability.