Expressions of love | INFJ Forum

Expressions of love

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Ginny, Apr 13, 2018.

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  1. Ginny

    Ginny Dislocated Naiad

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    I have been thinking about a lot of ways to start this thread. In a way, even the way I'm starting it right now was calculated, but it probably will change form as I go along, like it always does. What it would involve (and cost) I knew since I thought of the issue, and therefore considered to put it in my private blog, but it doesn't reach as many people as it would in an open thread. Because I need to know, and would like as much input as possible.

    The question is this: When you look into the eyes of the person that loves you (and preferably the person that you love back), what do you see? Or if you aren't in a relationship, what would you like to see? Would you, or could you, try to attribute it to a cognitive function? (There is no need for the latter though, just a weird sociological interest.)

    I know that every person loves differently, but there is also a way that a person wants to be loved. The last part was one of the things that ended my relationship. I knew that he loved me, but I found the way he was looking at me unsettling and uncomfortable. I didn't know why, but now I have a theory, which I wish to test with your help.
    Of course he didn't always have this look in his eyes, and also didn't use words when he looked at me this way, but then again, does someone ever really need words to say "I love you"?
    When he had that look, it seemed like he saw me as a small miracle, that it was an honour to have me by his side and a little sadness at the thought of parting behind it. There was this sense of nurture, but without wanting change, like I was a flower that he wished to preserve with his gaze. If I had to attribute an element to it, it would most likely be earth.* There was also this small smile, which was just pure happiness.
    There was nothing wrong with the first part, and this is also the part that I regret the most to have left behind, but that second part, this preserving and stationary feeling, was the part that I found so uncomfortable, while the happiness and the simplicity of his emotion was unsettling. I believe that it represented Si, as I have observed a similar look in my mother's eyes a few times, with the exception that her nurture isn't preserving, but it enjoys the moment, and doesn't care about keeping it the way it is, but trusts that it is fine and will be fine. And that's why I think it is Ne.

    In essence, my theory is that for the most part the expression is predominantly representing the lower perceiving function. However, as I suspect the two of them being on the same judging axis, I can't say with any certainty that it is not both axes that influence the way we express love.


    *OK, I have just decided to add another dimension to this thing, so bear with me for any noticeable changes within the text.
     
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  2. Roughroughmagic

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    That's very interesting what you're saying. I've never thought about it in such depth so I lack greater understanding of what looking at lover's eyes could actually mean in the context of using specific functions.
    But from my experience, I can definitely tell that there is something very intriguing about eye contact - like it's some sort of human connection that expands beyond words - connection in its purest form, expression of love and empathy. I guess that there is also another side of it - I tend to not look in people's eyes when I talk about some very private things and even some friends said to me that it feels like it's a form of self-protection, like I can't handle being vulnerable and keeping eye contact at the same time (which is often very true in my case).
     
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  3. OP
    Ginny

    Ginny Dislocated Naiad

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    I didn't realise that it was deep, just perhaps a little too intimate. Therefore I ressolved last night that I might ask someone from staff to move the thread if noone answers. It kinda happens a lot.
    I never "learned" to make eye contact because I considered it such a private thing. I almost never talk about my feelings irl, because talking about it in any other language than English feels so surreal (my family isn't very expressive in that regard). Also, by talking I always feel that I reveal too much of myself. And satiating my curiosity would involve asking too many weird questions. Therefore, when I want to know, I read the person in front of me. (Also I try to make eye contact when I'm in an interview, to establish some connection and displaying control and dominance. I don't have either, but it doesn't hurt to act the part.) I get what you say about self-protection, but as I am intimacy-seeking first (see my enneagram), it only comes into play when I fail or am hurt.

    But that is somewhat beside the topic. I ought to give some more background information on my theory. As I am not doubting the truth behind this combination of MBTI, socionics and enneagram summing up most of the conscious self, and therefore believe in duality (though mostly only beause it applies to me), I suspect that there is something we look for in a partner. It needn't come from a dual-seeking function in a specific slot, but there must be something (well, I don't think it is just me that contemplates it this way) of the sort. I mean, not all INFJs look for or are even happy in a relationship with an ESTP. However, I do believe that we look for something specific. Sometimes we don't know it until we see it, but other times we have good sense of what would make our heart melt. (I presume I am one of the latter.) This may be visible during eye contact which may optimally be attributed to some function, or set of functions.
     
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  4. jkxx

    jkxx Ъ

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    @Ginny,

    thank you for posting this. It is a very interesting question as well. For me looking into the other person's eyes acts as a reminder that I'm seeing the wonderful person inside them and that in turn tends to give me all sorts of nice vibes. I guess it could be called a soul to soul connection or at least that is how it feels to me.

    Since you mentioned the element of earth I'll allow myself to go into astrology a bit both because it's relevant and because my knowledge there is better than the MBTI. Now being a Venus in Pisces/Neptune-heavy personality I know the idealism, vibes I pick up from people and general sense of awe I get from them are not very common in the general population and I have been called too dreamy or gullible for my own good in some instances. So you are definitely right everyone loves differently and I'm still working out how different Venus placements do this in practice - my theory is that yes, functions play a role because my (mainly) Neptune placements build an NF MBTI personality which then perceives reality the way it does.

    As far S, it does indeed build up around the element of earth (in a neutral sense) and with aspects between personal planets and Saturn (defensively) - in fact two people who I was sure would type themselves as INxx types ended up getting ISFJ and both have Moon-Saturn squares. The resistance to change or growth in a relationship would fall under the defensive umbrella as well and here you are looking at challenging aspects between the personal planets and Saturn, Pluto, or Chiron. Saturn will resist change because it is frightening and unwelcome, Pluto will resist it because it looks like the entire relationship is about to end, and Chiron starts out with a belief that the person never deserved the relationship in the first place so here they are simply awaiting the "inevitable end." All three can create major challenges within relationships although you will get a different flavor depending on which one is causing the trouble.

    I hope this is somewhat useful to you although I may have used a little too much astro jargon for which I apologize.
     
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  5. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Unquestioning loyalty.

    The same, unquestioning loyalty.

    Te
     
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  6. OP
    Ginny

    Ginny Dislocated Naiad

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    It was indeed more astro-theoretical than I anticipated. And a little less experiential than I expected. I'm sorry if this comes across as demanding, but I was rather hoping for more examples, rather than having my own explained to me.

    I would, however, love to learn more about it, if you can provide any sources.
     
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  7. OP
    Ginny

    Ginny Dislocated Naiad

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    Are you talking about someone you know, someone you'd love to know, or what you see in the mirror?
     
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  8. jkxx

    jkxx Ъ

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    It is not coming across as demanding - but yes I'm not particularly good with experiential explanations. However I was thinking of the astro-descriptions as possibly applying to the other person rather than yourself.

    For an easy reference which can give you some immediate results I'd go to Swiss-based astro.com - create an account, enter yours (or anyone else's) birth data and head on to the 'free horoscopes' menu, then 'interactive horoscopes.' The astro*click portrait will give you a visual personality reading - just click on any black symbols you see and the meaning will pop up. There are several ways to get relationship charts as well on there but they don't give you these for free although other sites do. This appears to be a good site with some information on how astrology works. Though to make things easier all the planets are really archetypes and the four elements correspond to the four MBTI personality types (fire is N, earth is S, air is T and water is F.) As far as what astrology can tell you there are a few branches - natal astrology deals with one's personality, relationship is as advertised, predictive looks at future (or past) trends and events while mundane studies the various shifts and developments which affect the world as a whole.
     
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  9. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    Edit: Alright, let me try again :)

    When you look into the eyes of the person that loves you (and preferably the person that you love back), what do you see?

    I suppose I see a gateway, a portal to another world. Sometimes it's locked, other times it just needs a little push to get it open. When I do manage it to open it, though, there's a single-cart roller coaster just waiting to be hopped on.
     
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    #9 AUM, Apr 15, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2018
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  10. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Someone I'd love to know. I don't enjoy questioning another's allegiance.
     
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  11. OP
    Ginny

    Ginny Dislocated Naiad

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    Most of your answers are rather confusing, like you either didn't read mine or didn't understand. What I was asking for was your experiences and desires, how they differentiate, if that is the case. Or am I that unclear in my OP?

    What do you see, what do you wish to see, in that specific moment when they communicate their love to you, without words?
     
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  12. MrSquared

    MrSquared Well-known member

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    Hopefully not too many of my own idealistic notions. Because those will fade...but that person will be herself entirely.

    Wouldn't have it any other way. As if I had a choice in the matter. LOL.
     
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  13. Ren

    Ren Pin's android and co-founder of Stoic Café

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    It's hard to say what I would be looking for because it might actually depend on the person. I'd like the person to have her unique individual way of expressing her love to me. I think that if I were expecting a specific kind of look in her eyes, I'd be running the risk of projecting my expectations too much and not really loving the person back for what she is.

    In terms of my past relationships though, I could say the following. The expressions of love that I've looked for, and conversely the ones that have unnerved or "scared" me, seem to have run kind of parallel with my anxious avoidance in intimacy. In the anxious phase, I definitely sought the nurturing look. While in the avoidant phase, the nurturing look would actually sometimes turn me off / displease me, and I rather longed for a more playful, carefree look.
     
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  14. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    It varies but generally speaking I would say I perceive affection, caring and warmth in equal measure, with healthy undercurrents of amusement and mischief. Not sure which functions are represented in those.

    So I think what you're saying here is that you didn't like being viewed as an object by the other person, not even as an object of devotion and affection, because objects don't change and can't grow. Thus, besides just feeling objectified (which in itself isn't cool) you also felt constrained as an individual. Certainly understandable if so. I think that a lot of people experience this to some degree, and that it has to do with idealization. A person who idealizes another wishes for their partner to never change, or perhaps to only change according to certain parameters.

    And yeah, that sounds a lot like poorly-developed Si (contrasted with strongly developed Si, which knows exactly what it wants and is generally very clear about expectations).
     
  15. GRiMM

    GRiMM Community Member

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    I see sparkling smiling eyes, I feel at peace. Like they are saying everything is alright, right there in that moment nothing else matters. sometimes I see an angel. I can get lost in that moment, everything else fades. It feels like I take a dive in the emotion they are feeling for me.
     
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