Everyone's confidant and no one's friend.
- Thread starter Mary Shelley
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yeah, it's a friend of convenience. someone only comes to you when they need you and disappear or don't make themselves available when you need them. you become the go-to friend for venting or problem solving but the other person or persons you are there for are not really there for you in the same way. to deal with this, one thing could be to make yourself less available to others as a friend to use, and instead seek mutually supportive friendships where you're getting as much as you give. What I am realizing or failed to realize earlier on is that when you're too emotionally available to others as a friend and in general, then it makes it for someone to use someone as an emotional dump and then leave. it exhausts your social and emotional energy and resources and of course it's unfair to you. It's ok to set boundaries and not be available to others as a friend especially if they're not returning the favor. it may be tough to say no, but it takes practice. but for your sake, begin by saying no to people who may be using you as a dumping ground for their problems but not willing to give back.
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That makes you the confidant. I'm sure the type of person you're talking about, exists, but I don't think you interpreted the title correctly.
I find this happening to me quite often, too. I have an understanding that not everyone is able to bear some things e.g. intense distress, 'deep' topics, or ugly discussions but it can become an isolating experience when there is absolutely no one to turn to.
Perhaps it is born of a desire to give something that one (not so secretly) desires to be returned. I'm not saying giving purely to get but more of a thing where it is mutual instead of such a one-way thing.
Perhaps it is born of a desire to give something that one (not so secretly) desires to be returned. I'm not saying giving purely to get but more of a thing where it is mutual instead of such a one-way thing.
I think this may not be from a lack of caring, but rather from a lack of ability (perceived or otherwise), therefore discomfort (at least in that moment).
People are obviously drawn to you. What prevents them from becoming a closer friend? Can you look within yourself and find the answer? Perhaps you are guarded. Perhaps they know you need space and don't want to overburden you. Perhaps they've invited you to events in the past to which you have declined. Look at it this way, if you think everyone else has a problem ... usually the problem is you. I don't mean to be harsh when I say that, but I do think you'll find the answer within yourself. You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
Thanks, Sriracha. There are many reasons why someone may be hesitant to get close to me. I'm way too intense for most people and I tend to see through whatever they're hiding behind. I don't at all make it easy to get in and post scarecrows every so many feet. That they don't want to be my friend isn't even what surprises me. What I don't understand really is why anyone would run to me every time they have a confession, accomplishment, or secret if they didn't find me worth having as a friend. They tell me how important I am to them and then treat me as bottom priority... and that's probably what got to me the most with the most recent example. Every time I had to hear about how important my friendship was to her it was just salt in the wounds of having felt so ignored and unimportant in between.
I like being useful and I think I'm probably a good listener so I can understand the draw there, I guess. I have many times had people I barely knew telling me their deepest darkest only to then say things like, "I've never told anyone this before. I don't know why I'm telling you this." I have to bite my tongue sometimes to keep from saying, "I don't know why you're telling me, either." But I know they need to talk and get it out and I like being that... I just... guess I don't really understand how that doesn't buy me enough value with them to be worth keeping around after that even when there's not a crisis or confession.
That it happens with multiple people... and multiple types of people... yes, it's definitely me. It's me making myself be so available as a confidant and so unavailable as a friend, I guess. I just don't know how, exactly. Probably I just get attached too easily. I guess I was just wondering if it happened to other people and what they did about it.
I like being useful and I think I'm probably a good listener so I can understand the draw there, I guess. I have many times had people I barely knew telling me their deepest darkest only to then say things like, "I've never told anyone this before. I don't know why I'm telling you this." I have to bite my tongue sometimes to keep from saying, "I don't know why you're telling me, either." But I know they need to talk and get it out and I like being that... I just... guess I don't really understand how that doesn't buy me enough value with them to be worth keeping around after that even when there's not a crisis or confession.
That it happens with multiple people... and multiple types of people... yes, it's definitely me. It's me making myself be so available as a confidant and so unavailable as a friend, I guess. I just don't know how, exactly. Probably I just get attached too easily. I guess I was just wondering if it happened to other people and what they did about it.
The simple reason is that being a good listener is all you're good for, and it doesn't help that's the only thing you make easy for people.
Good introspection! Here is my experience regarding friends, and it is very simple. I don't get close, if they don't get close ... however there are always indicators along the way that another person wants to be your friend, such as confiding in you. Perhaps you don't have a dark secret to tell in return, but offer them some information. It's a balancing act. This truly is how you build a friendship with another. If you don't trust them with information, they aren't really a friend in your eyes and you are wasting your time. I do agree with o_q as well.
People can always come to me if they need someone to vent to. I understand that everyone needs to do this at sometime or another. It hurts when people come to you time and time again to vent and you listen like a good friend, but the moment you need them for support they can't be there for you.
Sorry to be blatant here but if this is the definition, you are saying it essentially makes you a whore except for the fact you aren't getting paid. Someone who uses you and returns nothing? F that.
Not YOU you, just anyone this happens to in general. And if you still have an issue with my observation after that whatever, its accurate.
The piece I always find lacking in these type of threads is the acknowledgement that you teach other's how to treat you. If you don't insist on having your needs met and allow someone to take and take from you....how is it all their fault? Of course, the basic counter to that argument is....but I do, and they don't listen....and my argument is still...and yet, you continue along like it is alright. There is only one person who can change the inequality or perceived inequality in a relationship, and that is the person who has the problem. Barring that, you have to learn to see that you gain something from this type of exchange and try and find out what that is.
It's not that no one is around to listen. I have an abundance of online friends who often act as confidants for me as well. It's that I don't seem to be included as a friend when there's no driving need in either direction. It's almost as if I have foul weather friends--when things are going well enough for both parties, they have other things to do.
Yeah, I have friends like that too. It sucks sometimes. The ones that are worse, in my opinion, are the ones who agree to get together with you, then either cancel, don't show up, or ditch you for someone else. If they're repeat offenders, I cut 'em loose.
I think they get offended from your scarecrows and at the same time have a high respect for your intelligence and opinion.
Most people who vent to someone else could care less about their intelligence, and more about how accepting they are.