effects of dysfunctional relationships

[Gaze]

What are the long term (or short term) effects of dysfunctional relationships? I think we indirectly learn lessons or at least develop particular habits, some bad, from having gone through unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships. I'm curious about what you have learned or found yourself living out in your own lives, positively or negatively, from observing dysfunctional family or personal relationships?

 

[bodhireagan]

I do everything in my power to not allow myself to mirror the actions I see tearing apart my parents marriage.

I was also in a very bad relationship situation about 18 months ago, and I can tell you that it does change you. At first I doubted myself because I thought I didn't do enough to support her (she had a lot of serious issues and needed professional help, but instead I was her help / punching bag). Then a lot of people close to me kept telling me that I did everything I could to help her, including sacrificing my own happiness for hers. After a few months, I had straightened it all out in my head. She purposefully kept things from me that she knew would break out relationship until we had been in a relationship and were pretty serious. Technically she broke it off, but she only did that because two days before I sat at a table in a restaurant and told her to choose between being an alcoholic and me. I knew when I said it that there was no turning back and if she wasn't ready to get help that she would completely wipe me out of her life like I was never there. And she did.

So what I learned:
-don't trust someone on their word when it comes to serious things that make or break a relationship for you
-not everyone who drinks underage will become a raging alcoholic and destroy everything they touch (for a while after this it was very hard for me to deal with other friends I had who drank underage after the relationship ended because I couldn't separate their drinking from my ex's alcoholism)
-I am too young to be a caregiver for someone who cannot take care of themselves (in terms of being in a serious relationship with the person)
-I need honesty and trust in a relationship in order for it to work
-I get caught up in my head too much
-I do better when I can be transparent with my partner about most things

I am a better person, better friend, and better partner because of watching my parent's marriage fall apart throughout my whole life and by experiencing an emotionally abusive relationship. But that doesn't come free, those things take a lot out of you and you really have to keep your head above the water or else you will drown yourself in it.

 

[jupiterswoon]

I've learned that some people are just idiots, nothing more, nothing less. That translates to the fact that they are not sinister, they are not playing games (at least not consciously) and that they are fallible. That was the greatest lesson I learned from my dysfunctional family. The other lesson I learned was that I need to focus on my own happiness and not other peoples, and more so that there must be boundaries between me and other people's problems. Mostly, I just realized I must depend first and foremost on myself and not other people- because other people are fallible.

I feel like it created a sense of resiliency, and acceptance of solitude.

 

[say what]

I'm overly cautious of opening up and being vulnerable again. Because I was so love blind, I find that I am now overly critical of potential mates. I always think the worst of them.

On the other hand, it made me into a stronger person and allowed me to understand what I want and need in a relationship.


I've recently looked at how I handle relationships, and realize that I'm extremely closed off emotionally, and this causes me to be disconnected from the person and leads to failure. I ran into a guy I've dated 3 times (very short runs) and again tonight I was like "hmm....maybe" but it's the same thing every time - I don't feel a connection...and I think it's because I just back away every time it gets to that point. I can't decide if that's it, or if I just find him boring....

 

[Flavus Aquila]

I've had a couple of very dysfunctional friends. It's very difficult to reach a balance between maintaining boundaries (so that you don't get drawn completely into their distorted world) and maintaining a real relationship through those boundaries.

Ultimately I think it comes down to psychological flexibility... the ability to give and take, to adapt to others' needs/hopes, etc. Flexibility without boundaries leads to ending up as a doormat, or crazy, or whatever; being inflexible is just another word for crazy.

The nature of dysfunction with the friends I had was such that I would make accommodations and go along with what they wanted occasionally, but when a reciprocal accommodation was not forthcoming I would leave the ball in their court - letting them decide if they wanted to reciprocate. For example, I had a friend who was obsessed with aerobic exercise. Every time we ever did anything it would involve jogging, rock-climbing, cycling, etc. Occasionally I would want to go the movies, but he said that movies were for couch potatoes. He could not sit still, nor want to be inside for more than 40min. Eventually he started getting aggravated that I would let him know that me and some of the other guys from work were going to the movies - and that he was invited, especially when he had wanted to go jogging with me. Eventually he go so pissed off that we would just jog in silence and he wouldn't speak to me at work. He eventually he found another jogging companion. Admittedly I had gotten stubborn in wanting him to realise that he was being unreasonable, by continuing to exercise with him, but there was no realisation, just resentment that I had other interests.