Dysfunctional Desire for Affirmation/Recognition?

[Siela25]

Hello INFJ Sisteren and Bretheren

I have a question: Do you believe the INFJ desire or need for affirmation/recognition is dysfunctional?

I ask because I was reading the INFJ profile on one of my favorite MBTI sites. It states that INFJs require positive affirmations in order to feel loved. I didn't think this applied to me, but I recently had a situation where I confided in and shared a traumatic experience with a friend. He affirmed how strong, courageous and inspiring I was to have emerged from the struggle with my values intact. Whereas, I shared the same situation with another, and the important decision I'd made as a result, and the response was "Well, it's your decision." When comparing the two, I felt understood and appreciated by the 1st person....but misunderstood and undervalued by the 2nd. Even though the 2nd person could have been demonstrating their respect for my judgement by saying "it's your decision."
Is there something wrong with wanting affirmation?

As for recognition, I find it's essential for me to be recognized for a job well done or for a loving act. If I'm not, I feel horrible and out of sync with whoever my act was aimed towards. Is this dysfunctional? I know that doing something just for praise is not healthy and is self-demeaning. Yet, when being recognized I feel in sync and connected with those I do things for. I feel their recognition is communication to me that my desires and their desires are united, and the recognition provides feedback for how well we are "meshing" or progressing together. Yet, I also aspire to be self-affirming, to not need or want the recognition or affirmation of others in order to feel valued and appreciated. It's so difficult though.

So, do you all think desiring or needing recognition or affirmation is a negative thing? Apparently it's simply an INFJ trait aspect but I'm not sure.

 

[Daniel Swift]

Is this post a means to further perpetuate your affirmation-seeking behavior? I think there's a fine line between healthy and unhealthy.

 

[Siela25]

Is this post a means to further perpetuate your affirmation-seeking behavior? I think there's a fine line between healthy and unhealthy.

Lol Good point. The irony was not lost on me. Yet, what is the nature of healthy affirmation or recognition? I'm never a affirmation-monger, and in fact, I find people become dependent on me for this...to boost their mood or ego or to just feel valued. Yet, I'm always wondering what's healthy affirmation/recognition-seeking and what's not.

 

[Sriracha]

Not me. I just know that what I did makes me feel good ... my personal affirmation.

... on the flipside, I give affirmation and praise when it is warranted.

 

[Siela25]

Not me. I just know that what I did makes me feel good ... my personal affirmation.

... on the flipside, I give affirmation and praise when it is warranted.

That's always a good thing. I think people should be more open and aware of things to affirm and praise. Spread the love oh yeaaa

 

[Whiskers]

I suppose it makes me uneasy because it removes my happiness from my own hands when left unchecked. I enjoy it, but abandon it when it contravenes my long-term best interests.

 

[QuietlyBrilliant]

Yes yes yes! i definitely relate to this, must be an Infj Thing. I like to think its not dysfunctional/maladaptive if anything because it is just who we are and we cannot change it. I think we should focus more on embracing and accepting this aspect of our personality rather than analysing it (as we also have a tendency to do )

If I don't feel appreciated or valued (at work or relationships etc...) I find I don't have any drive or motivation. However, my true potential is unleashed under the right circumstances with a good support network.

 

[Bird]

Yes yes yes! i definitely relate to this, must be an Infj Thing. I like to think its not dysfunctional/maladaptive if anything because it is just who we are and we cannot change it. I think we should focus more on embracing and accepting this aspect of our personality rather than analysing it (as we also have a tendency to do )

If I don't feel appreciated or valued (at work or relationships etc...) I find I don't have any drive or motivation. However, my true potential is unleashed under the right circumstances with a good support network.

But this is something you can change.

 

[Siela25]

[MENTION=5027]Whiskers[/MENTION]: Food for thought. Thanks!!

[MENTION=5065]QuietlyBrilliant[/MENTION]: Thanks for posting! I was beginning to feel like a freak until I read your post. Everything you wrote resonates with me and feels good. I do have a tendency to analyze vs. embrace my natural tendencies. And I've found, that I also thrive in a supportive network where I'm appreciated and valued. It's not just a "nice to have" bonus, it's essential to my well-being! Super thanks for sharing and for your encouraging insights.

 

[GracieRuth]

I think that INFJ's certainly want positive affirmation. However, as we grow older, we kind accept that we are never going to get as much affirmation as we'd like. We learn how to affirm ourselves. I guess what I'm saying is that I'll always be a sensitive person, but my skin is little thicker now than it used to be.

 

[Trifoilum]

There is a limit and we generally know it.

Whether or not it's too late, or if it's too far from where it should, is a different matter.
But there tend to be a point when you feel a) it's enough, or b) it's too much and we're being gluttonous.
recognizing and controlling both points are something trainable and changeable, however.

A different matter is also our point of resistance; just HOW FAR can we go without affirmation? Without recognition?
Or worse; with negative affirmation/recognition? Who here have never being told, "Dang, you think just too much. Chillz, yo." by those we care? Anyone can say that doesn't hurt -- at first?
This is also something trainable.

One other thing; recognize that choosing to accept this so called trait of us; the desire for affirmation and/or recognition, means there are at least two standards we're using. Avoid and expect miscommunication by thinking that the other party don't give enough while in fact, it's enough for them. Superfluous in fact.

 

[invisible]

sometimes it seemed to me that i derived a lot of benefit from a supportive environment. but at other times i worked very hard and was very motivated and achieved a great deal when i had no support and felt very isolated. if i believe in what i am doing i don't necessarily need to be recognised for it because my validation comes from within, but it is nice though.

 

[MindYourHead]

Such a dichotomy.

While I do tend to crave positive affirmation & recognition from others, I also want them to not notice me and leave me alone.
I guess I prefer it to be on a personal low key level. No spotlights on stage in front of others please.