Do you experience this? | INFJ Forum

Do you experience this?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Missanonymous82, Jan 19, 2020.

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  1. Missanonymous82

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    Hi all,
    I’ve noticed a trend with some of my friends and family that I’m wondering if you can relate to. Basically when people meet me they make a snap judgement about who I am based on how I’m going in my life at the time. Oftentimes in the past I haven’t been doing so well, so they may have felt sorry for me or felt superior.

    But because I am an INFJ with faith in myself and the capacity to improve, I start to do better in life. Eventually I succeed and branch out from the little box they have put me into. And I find that’s when the trouble starts - people don’t seem to be happy for my successes and sometimes their noses seem quite out of joint. They certainly don’t want to help me build on initial gains.

    I’m just wondering if any of you experience this, and if so how you handle it? I have dumped friends for it in the past, but I am wondering if there is another way.

    thank you!
     
  2. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I don't really care what people think of me as long as it doesn't inhibit my professional success.

    Everyone judges.
     
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  3. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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    I went through this in the last year since April 2019. I lost 100lbs, got a job I loved, became a stand up comedian and gained a lot of confidence in myself. I had to change my entire life to lift my depression.

    In doing that I lost a really good friend of 2 years because she didn't like the way I was changing. I've also had a lot of times where I "miss a connection" with new people because my lifestyle doesn't mesh with theirs. They're cool people but we just don't quite fit.

    I think there has to be a willingness to let whatever needs to happen, happen. What you're describing is relationships changing as you change as a person. I think the older people get the more prominent this becomes.

    Not everyone grows at the same rate or in the same direction. We have to be willing to let go of what a relationship was like in the past and accept how it now is. People who do change but have strong roots in each other can overcome their differences by allowing the relationship to change naturally and not trying to make it "the way it was".

    Some people can't handle that and will cut you out. My good friend of 2 years felt threatened by me changing. I tried to lead the friendship in a new, healthier direction but she liked the old patterns better and wouldn't let go of what we used to be.

    So your ability to keep up these relationships isn't wholely dependent on you. If the other person gets stuck in how things used to be and won't let the relationship change, that will end it, and really the only way to prevent it would be to return to the way things used to be- and I don't think it is worth sacrificing you're growth and development as a human being to keep old relationships up that no longer function.
     
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  4. Maikl Jexocuha

    Maikl Jexocuha Space Cowboy
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    All the time (especially family members). I think they do this because(and I don't want to sound too harsh) a lot of people are selfish and really care most about themselves and their own success. They like to put others, especially those who are sincere and vulnerable, "down" or "lesser" to keep their attention on "number one"(the ego, their precious self image). If you show legit signs of growing confidence, power, or strength, I learned that most people don't naturally take that as a general "positive" thing worth appraisal or celebration. No, they see it as a "threat" or source of jealousy.

    Not everyone is like that, but so far, in my assessment, that seems to be my best honest assessment. So, I encourage to stay away from people like that, at least don't take them or their reactions to you seriously. Also, I find it helps not to seek fulfillment in approval, but in something a little more(dare I say...) "ethereal"? Then it helps to see people differently, without the burden of expecting much more from them than what they can do, and accepting them for truly what they are...
     
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  5. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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    What if I flipped this and said it's not that people are being "selfish" but simply that they are afraid?

    Everyone in life is just trying to seek happiness. Including you. When what makes me happy conflicts with what makes you happy, if I'm insecure, that makes me afraid.

    If I'm not secure in who I am and what I like, and someone doesn't agree with me, well that means they're rejecting me!

    Or what if this other person, who I now view as superior to me, realizes what a fraud I am? What if they want me to start to change, and I don't want to?

    I think we're talking about the same thing but I wanted to challenge the "selfish" perspective with suggesting, maybe it's not that some people are selfish (everyone is inherently selfish!) but that some people are insecure and lash out when they're afraid instead of trying to work though their fears.
     
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  6. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
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    The people who will put you before themselves are few and far between, and even when you find those people it is only for whatever amount they are able to tolerate before needing to return to themselves.

    It's on you, to dig deep and find the courage and strength to humbly move forward in the direction of your true self.
     
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  7. Maikl Jexocuha

    Maikl Jexocuha Space Cowboy
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    I highly disagree. But I am curious: how would you define "selfish"?
     
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  8. Yusuf

    Yusuf Community Member

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    People will be people and time will go while you're afraid of them . The reason they are judging you is because you remind them who they shall became and that they should try to improve themselves. It's just that most people don't want that and they are too afraid of it . Don't let them influence you , life is not about impressing them it's about impressing yourself in your most beautiful fashions , for that
    Moment when the stage is crowded and the only voice you can hear is yours.
     
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  9. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    When you grow only you understand that growth. Sometimes people around you preferred the "old" you. They don't understand why you grew and changed, and for the most part, will not seek to understand. If they can't accommodate you as you now are they don't belong in your life.
     
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  10. Korg

    Korg ▄ ▄

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    Fuck em.
     
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