Do INFJ's somehow appear to be cold?

[ElleG]

The more someone knows me, the less this is the case.

The more at ease I am with someone, the less this is the case.

People never call me cold, however, there is one person who has called me intimidating and at least a couple people who think I don't smile enough/am too serious (which they apparently don't take personally even though I'm only like that around them).

INFJs in general? I think they come across as very warm and friendly (at least the ones I know). Circumstances where they might appear cold are usually ones in which they are uncomfortable or distrusting of those around them. Also, the more energy depleted, the less open and warm they will appear (and that goes for everyone).

Totally agree here. I've been told I'm intimidating many times, but it's always coming from a person who has decided to watch me from afar and "get a read on me" without ever attempting to engage with me on a personal level. And then I hear from someone who KNOWS me, that "so and so" feels this way about me.

That's a bullshit and cowardly way to make decisions about what "kind" of person someone is.

As an INFJ, my primary function is Introverted Intuition, so yeah, I may appear aloof or quiet and my facial expressions tend to be subdued when I'm not engaged with anyone; but, my secondary function is extroverted feeling, so I genuinely enjoy connecting with people and getting to know them and I really want to find like minds and soulmates. It's just secondary, so it's not going to be highly visible to someone just watching me from afar.

Different environments, people and situations also bring out different aspects of me and I tend to adapt to and respond differently to various situations. I'm not sure this is type specific or not? What do you think?

 

[INFJ16]

Totally agree here. I've been told I'm intimidating many times, but it's always coming from a person who has decided to watch me from afar and "get a read on me" without ever attempting to engage with me on a personal level. And then I hear from someone who KNOWS me, that "so and so" feels this way about me.

That's a bullshit and cowardly way to make decisions about what "kind" of person someone is.

As an INFJ, my primary function is Introverted Intuition, so yeah, I may appear aloof or quiet and my facial expressions tend to be subdued when I'm not engaged with anyone; but, my secondary function is extroverted feeling, so I genuinely enjoy connecting with people and getting to know them and I really want to find like minds and soulmates. It's just secondary, so it's not going to be highly visible to someone just watching me from afar.

Different environments, people and situations also bring out different aspects of me and I tend to adapt to and respond differently to various situations. I'm not sure this is type specific or not? What do you think?

I think this is something everyone does to some degree as opposed to being type specific. I've heard INFJ's referred to as chameleons though so maybe we are perceived as being especially skilled at blending in/adapting to various social situations.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

The more someone knows me, the less this is the case.

The more at ease I am with someone, the less this is the case.

This true for me too.

When I'm surrounded by people I'm meeting for the first time I like to sit back and observe everyone and their interaction style. I've been called reserved, cold, intimidating, and quiet when really I'm just watching, taking everything in, getting acclimated to a new situation. After while, a once get an idea of how everyone else is I'll loosen up, warm up and match the communication style of the particular person I'm talking to, before long I'm embarrassing myself in public and talking about my raging boner. Then I say goodbye to everyone with a hug and gentle poke...

 

[PastelpinkPuppy]

Could be. A former boss of mine, who is also into typology, was certain that he had identified my type after observing me for a few weeks. His guess: ISTJ!

I'm told that I often seem very focused, formal, and serious. People regularly guess that I'm several years older than I really am. At high school events, visiting parents often thought that I was one of the teachers!

I must have some "commanding" aspect to my personality, which fits into the INFJ type. INFJs prefer the Directing style of communication. That means that we're more likely to tell people directly what to do, ie "Put those files over there," rather than "Those files belong over there," which is the Informing style.

Yeah i read up about directive styles recently and being direct is different from having a directive style. I use a direct approach too. And i have the same problem where people guess my age wrongly very often.

 

[the]

People who I assume are infj come across are overly friendly and hollow at first, then cold moments later.

 

[Fidicen]

This was an interesting discussion so I'll bump the thread.

I don't think I appear cold as such, but maybe reticent. Also if someone compliments me it's possible I'll be happy about it but outwardly ignore it. Maybe it makes me feel a bit confused, like I want to believe it but feeling uncertain if this is real. It takes a long time to build trust in that sense, and lack of trust, for whatever reasons, is often perceived as coldness. I suspect some form of this might be behind many of the examples in this thread, the disparity between the appearance and the experienced feelings, distrust as a protective wall that keeps the self safe in its prison.

 

[Night Sky]

I've been called cold-hearted once, but I think it was to manipulate me when I needed to say no to something. I've also been called "mysterious" by a classmate. I think strangers think I seem friendly but shy. Strangers often walk up to me and talk to me or ask a question even though they could have chosen someone else.

 

[Wyote]

"Somehow"

Lol

 

[AUM]

INFJs appear like snow-cones melting on the Saharan Desert.

 

[Wyote]

INFJs appear like snow-cones melting on the Saharan Desert.

Sounds like a personal problem to me

 

[Reverist]

Strangers often walk up to me and talk to me or ask a question even though they could have chosen someone else.

Same here! What's that all about? I guess I seem approachable somehow. I've had the same stranger come up to me twice to ask a question, and then be like "oh, I already talked to you" lol

 

[Night Sky]

Same here! What's that all about? I guess I seem approachable somehow. I've had the same stranger come up to me twice to ask a question, and then be like "oh, I already talked to you" lol

That's interesting! We probably look approachable.
My mom noticed that people approach me often, and said to me: "Why do people always walk up to you? They never do that to me!"

 

[e56ni8j]

When reading the INFJ descriptions I often see that INFJ women are considered to be cold or come across that way anyhow. On one hand it says we are warm, compassionate blah blah people but on the other they seem to think we are cold and heartless. I don't get it. Do we come across as a split personality or something? If anyone has any ideas I'd like to hear them. What is it that we do that gets us the 'cold' reputation. If I really am appearing cold I had better work on that. It's not something I'd like to have been known as.

In this forum, although I guess I'm not exactly objective, I honestly don't feel any coldness from the INFJ's here.

Most IN types are buried in their heads - not paying very much attention to the world around them, thus, often appearing cold or uninterested. Introverted intuitives also have a characteristic "don't fuck with me" face, also known as resting bitch face.

Also, it's not a female thing. I'm colder than ice. But I'm also the warmest f***ing thing ever, when I am feeling friendly. It's not a "split personality" thing, it's a varied and complex personality thing.

 

[JennyDaniella]

Most IN types are buried in their heads - not paying very much attention to the world around them, thus, often appearing cold or uninterested. Introverted intuitives also have a characteristic "don't fuck with me" face, also known as resting bitch face.

Also, it's not a female thing. I'm colder than ice. But I'm also the warmest f***ing thing ever, when I am feeling friendly. It's not a "split personality" thing, it's a varied and complex personality thing.

I concur. I have had plenty of people tell me that they found me intimidating, quiet, and serious. And once they got to know me, they would usually tell me in a similar context like, "Wow, you know I thought you were going to be a b**ch, but you are actually one of the nicest people I have ever gotten to know!"

I would just smile and laugh, but it would kinda frustrate me because I don't intentionally mean to appear cold or stand-offish lol, I am just acting like myself.

*sigh* introvert struggles...

 

[Ren]

I guess I seem approachable somehow.

I think I seem approachable too but it depends on my state of mind to a great extent. If I'm healthy I'll be a magnet. If I'm looping I'll seem preoccupied and aloof.

 

[Sandie33]

If I'm looping I'll seem preoccupied and aloof.

Grips are similar... @Ren Do you catch yourself in a loop, or does awakening to it come after an incident of some sort, or with another person? I've found that cognitive shifts of any magnitude equates with "tripping the trigger" by some sort of external stimulus.

This article is good info to discern between "loops" and "grips":
The Inferior Function: Traps, Temptations, & “Grip Experiences”
By Dr. A.J. Drenth
https://personalityjunkie.com/05/the-inferior-function-traps-temptations-grip-experiences/

 

[Lady Jolanda]

INFJs appear like snow-cones melting on the Saharan Desert.

INFJ: The ultimate special snowflake. <3

 

[socks]

It’s frequently assumed by other people that I’m cold or non-emotional, and it’s always bothered me because I perceive myself as a person with great emotional depth. I would say that emotion informs the majority of my decisions. However, I have had to accept that I’m not very good at outwardly displaying that emotion with what I suppose are categorical physical and social cues, i.e. body posture, vocal pitch and timbre, facial ticks, etc. Perhaps others here are the same way?

 

[Ren]

It’s frequently assumed by other people that I’m cold or non-emotional, and it’s always bothered me because I perceive myself as a person with great emotional depth. I would say that emotion informs the majority of my decisions. However, I have had to accept that I’m not very good at outwardly displaying that emotion with what I suppose are categorical physical and social cues, i.e. body posture, vocal pitch and timbre, facial ticks, etc. Perhaps others here are the same way?

When I was younger I appeared colder and not very emotional, maybe even a little callous at times. And I didn't smile much.

Things started shifting in my late teens and now ten years later I would say I've got pretty decent Fe.

 

[Ren]

Grips are similar... @Ren Do you catch yourself in a loop, or does awakening to it come after an incident of some sort, or with another person? I've found that cognitive shifts of any magnitude equates with "tripping the trigger" by some sort of external stimulus.

This article is good info to discern between "loops" and "grips":
The Inferior Function: Traps, Temptations, & “Grip Experiences”
By Dr. A.J. Drenth
https://personalityjunkie.com/05/the-inferior-function-traps-temptations-grip-experiences/

Hey Sandie, thanks for the link Regarding catching myself in a loop or awakening to it after exposure to an external stimulus... it depends. Both can be the case. I think that becoming familiar with MBTI theory has helped me develop greater awareness of looping dynamics, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier for me to pull myself out of them. Sometimes I'd identify it and say: "Well then let's look for an external stimulus to fix that, as that will solve it" - but it doesn't always work.

The life cycle of loops is a really interesting topic in itself.

And when I get really stressed I can experience grips too. For sure. I become strangely obsessed with details, anxious, and the opposite of "big picture".