It's heart-breaking to hear that so many fellow INFJs suffer from low self-esteem and confidence; story of my life... sigh.
I'm scared of writing this in case it comes over as a sob story, yet I'm inclined to write it. It’s just one of those days, please excuse me. I’m truly not looking for any sympathy or anything, I guess it’s more for understanding and maybe someone can relate to it. I know it’s also going to help me by getting it out. There’s only one person in my life I have talked to about this, but it so much easier writing about it anonymously online.
From a very young age, both my parents had exceedingly high expectations of me (being the only son). I come from a working class South Asian family, where the eldest son is supposed to look after the parents and all the family and so on... to kind of become like Michael in the Godfather kind of thing. Anyway, my mum had several still births (all boys) before I was born. So yes, expectations were always high (which I can understand).
I always found my dad always putting me down; I didn't see it any different, I just got used to it until I realised it wasn't normal (in my late 20s when I realised he was a narcissist). My mum always said my dad loves me; I trusted her. He would always say I'm worthless, "stupid" and a "sh**head" when I would question his authority or even just try to tell him something that was for his own benefit (looking after his health and so on). When out in public, he would humiliate me (which I later found is because of his own insecurities). I remember I had acne as a teenager and my dad said to me I’d be lucky if any girl wanted to ever get married to me with my face. I was by no means feminine in my ways, but neither was I an alpha male; I felt my parents always wanted me to be tougher and so on. My parents always told me off when I was being 'too emotional'.
Not having any brothers, I always yearned for the attention and approval from my dad. I never got it; it was like I was always a burden for him (until I graduated and started earning money) and never good enough. As a result, I always felt the loss of my elder brothers, who I thought if they had lived would have been ‘there' for me and then maybe I wouldn’t have been so emotional. Even thinking about my brothers now in my 30s, it's one of the very few things that gets me so deep and make me cry. I know it’s just the dream of them; if they were alive, in our teenage years I would probably have wished they were dead, hahaha. It was lonely growing up but I guess in that quiet, I found myself.
Coming from a poor family, my parents valued money as the highest success. I guess that helped in a way because I wanted to please my parents and help them financially, which is the force that pushed me to get a degree. When I started working, I gave most of my wage to my parents. But they always said it was too less; they always just wanted more. I can’t explain or understand why. I think they probably wanted me to earn as much as several sons could earn.
As well as the issues at home, I was bullied at school. I never fitted in with anyone at school; they all just seemed so childish and ‘lost’. I always got on better with older people. I despised authority and going to a rough school, I stood my ground by not joining a ‘gang’. So, I was an easy target I guess. Also, whilst other boys were out playing football at lunch, I was in the hall reading a book so they thought me strange.
I feel like I’m blaming my parents and everyone; I know some things are my fault. But all the above did and still does affect me.
I truly believed I was stupid and worthless (I still do subconsciously, but not as much and I have to remind myself that I’m not). When I’m not earning as much money as I think I should be I feel like a complete failure who doesn’t deserve to live. I feel guilty eating sometimes because I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. That sounds crazy writing it, but I know I do that sometimes. If someone calls me to go watch a movie or go for a meal with them, I tell them I don’t deserve it at the moment and they laugh. Also if I feel like I've not helped my family/friends financially, I feel like I have not done anything for them in life. It's weird though, because I don't expect anyone to do anything financially for me; even gifts make me feel uncomfortable, like I'm not worth them.
If someone is kind to me, I can’t understand why, since I’m not worth their time and effort (this is still a major one for me). I feel like a burden on people; I never ask anyone for help (although I’m getting better at this too). I still think I’m ugly. My (much) younger brother laughs at me when I tell him I feel like I’m ugly; he reminds me that a lot of people over the years tell me I look like Tom Cruise, haha. But whenever someone says that to me, I feel like they’re lying, like they’re teasing me. Some people who I truly trust tell me I’m one of the smartest people they’ve met. But even then, I tell them they don’t know what goes on in my crazy brain and I just cannot accept it.
The worst result of everything is the depression and anxiety I have had since being a teenager.
I must point out that all the above problems I had were also due to being bisexual and ‘in the closet’, but if I start writing about that, we’ll be here all week.
What really helped me to have the awakening of sorts a couple of years ago (at 30, when I realised that how I was being treated and how I was treating myself was wrong) was three things. The first was to stop my dad from causing me any further pain (did the INFJ doorslam on him) and second was to actively reflect on my life and question everything I have believed so as to break the negative chains of thought. Once I did that, I had the foundations of a better version of myself. I felt more comfortable about my sexuality as a result and the third factor that helped me at this point was meeting a man with whom I became the best of friends and ended up falling in love with.
He lived in the same area as me (albeit he was white and so his family’s expectations where a little different). We were very similar in our way of thinking amongst so many other things and we both thought that what we found in each other was the love we had been looking for all our lives. I’m an INFJ and he was an INFP; both bisexual (not out) and suffered from depression, anxiety, self-esteem and confidence issues.
He really did bring the best out of me. He was always rationally honest, so I trusted him because of that as well as being in love with him. He made me see myself through his eyes and I did exactly the same for him. He saw my blind-spots as I did his. Together, we grew more than we ever had in our lives. Through improving our self esteem and confidence in ourselves and each other, our lives improved in so many aspects. From our jobs to our health and fitness, to having a more positive outlook in life.
To cut along story short though, we were unable to be together properly (because we were not out) and he still had major issues with his homosexuality (he was petrified of being found out). After we almost got caught by one of his family-friends, he ended our relationship to find a girlfriend and settle down and for the 6 months since we only chat via texts now and then. He said he'd still always be here for me but I needed time to heal so distanced myself from him, aslo as to not interfere with his life. I think we're still finding the balance.
The heartbreak that ensued ruined the confidence and self esteem that I had built up, ironically enough. But after 6 months, both are back to the same level they were at before the breakup. Only this time I feel more independent and feel like I can do this on my own. I can see that he on the other hand is stagnant in his growth (if not moving back to where he was) and that troubles me, but that’s another story too.
I still have my low days and have realised that dealing with depression, anxiety, confidence and self-esteem will be a thing for life for me. I have to keep all of them in check, actively. But I am getting better and I’m hopeful that I will continue to get better in all these aspects. Being on this forum is one of the ways in which I am improving upon these issues in my life at this moment of time.
Well, I feel like I’ve just had a free therapy session, haha. If you’ve just read all of this then I feel horrible for wasting your time, I really do haha. I don’t know, I just felt like I should write this; I feel like a narcissist. I know I’m not one though, I think.
God bless you and I wish you nothing but the purest of love, peace and the little joys of life. Oh, and world peace
