[INFJ] Do INFJ guys lie about liking someone when they are not ready for a relationship?

[ENFPee]

Hey!! I'm an ENFP seeking advice about the confusing behaviour of an INFJ guy friend We were childhood acquaintances but only got to know each other as friends in the last year. Within a few months, being the ENFP I am ersevere:, I confessed to him that I was starting to develop feelings towards him, to which he didn't reply for a few days. He then replied that I freaked him out but did not really answer to the confession. I took it as a rejection and we continued being friends.

Over the next 6 months, we got even closer and hung out etc. He started to openly show concern and protectiveness. He also sent recordings of his singing love songs/suggesting songs too. He also called me beautiful and clarified that he was trying to "flirt". Lately, he's been sending songs about lovers who have to part for now as the time isn't right. He also gets real quiet/ignores the topic or text completely if I bring up guy friends in our convos etc.. When we hang out with other friends, he keeps me in his peripheral vision but doesn't look directly at me i.e. ignores me throughout but when we text later, will comment as though he's been watching me all day

However, when we discuss about the future, he will deny keeping in contact i.e. saying that if we were still in contact, to let him know if I managed to get my dream job. Or that he doesn't think I'm that cute (though this was quite some time ago) In our last conversation, he said we shouldn't hang out (or he shouldn't hang out with any girl?) because he's not ready for a relationship and it isn't religiously proper to do so. He also told me that I should know that he would not confess to anyone even if he liked the person out of shyness and lack of readiness. He also mentioned that he likes to stay a mystery and...... I'm not sure if this has any relation to anything lol.

I'm now confused if he even has feelings towards me. It sounds like he saw our hanging out as dates already??? And since he is a shy person.. I would think he wouldn't just send songs and call me beautiful if I was just a friend right? )= He got shy after he sent me his singing and stayed away for a few days.. It's just getting too confusing now.. I need to decide whether to move on or wait...

 

[Ginny]

Some of what you wrote reminds me of my own behaviour when I was in a relationship a couple of years ago. So what I am writing now is partially based on my experience but as I don't know you or your guy friend I could be way off base as well.

My ex and me started out as friends. I kind of liked him, but I didn't know if I liked him one way or the other. Since I know that going all the way and later realising it's not working out can destroy a perfectly good friendship, I was really hesitant. It was all new to me, but I wanted to be in a relationship, so when he asked me out I said yes. Due to my sucky memory I don't remember most of our relationship, but I remember what it felt like. I wasn't into it from the start, not really anyway. I told him from the first that it was my first relationship and that I didn't know how I felt about it and him just yet. Despite us being in a relationship, I think I always kept us from being close. It was like I was waiting for something that never came. We were later on hardly ever alone, and when we were, we either watching TV or chatting via Skype. And I didn't mind us not being alone. It may have been an issue of intimacy on my side, but I am convinced that I was missing something, that oomph, or yowza, if you will. I struggled to keep things going anyway, way longer than I should have. As a time reference: I had the realisation in December, but we broke up in March. I was trying not to hurt his feelings, and retreated until he couldn't take it anymore. Then we had a long talk and parted ways in a kind of peaceful way. It ended in a stalemate and then he went to Japan for a year. Haven't seen him since.

Now my interpretation of what might have been going on (it's also confusing to me, btw):

• He might have been shy initially, unsure of his feelings, but (like me) tested the relationship despite having doubts from the start
• He might have been jealous of your other guy friends, not wanting to compete (sorry, I lost the train of thought)
  
• Part of your last conversation seems awfully much like a bunch of excuses; this may either be deliberate or unconsciously self-destructive in origin (I don't know how religious he is)
  
• The recordings may have been such a test and he expected a specific response (you didn't mention how you handled them)
• And about the other friends: it could have been a socialising thing, trying to get a vibe on the others; but it doesn't excuse ignoring you
• Him "liking to stay a mystery" screams of special snowflake syndrome. I guess those are the people who want and don't want to be understood; they revel in their "nobody understands me"-INFJ-ness, and identify themselves by their not being understood, and thus don't like being understood because they fear it robs them of their uniqueness. Or something like that.

My advice would be a risky one: confrontation. Ask him what is going on, and what his intentions were. It is the only way to get some clarity. Some people just need a push in the right direction. You probably know the risky part about this is that it might be too hard a push, which makes him retreat even more. But I think if you mean something to him, even if it's just friendship, he will respond. Even if it takes him a couple of days.

 

[ENFPee]

Some of what you wrote reminds me of my own behaviour when I was in a relationship a couple of years ago. So what I am writing now is partially based on my experience but as I don't know you or your guy friend I could be way off base as well.

My ex and me started out as friends. I kind of liked him, but I didn't know if I liked him one way or the other. Since I know that going all the way and later realising it's not working out can destroy a perfectly good friendship, I was really hesitant. It was all new to me, but I wanted to be in a relationship, so when he asked me out I said yes. Due to my sucky memory I don't remember most of our relationship, but I remember what it felt like. I wasn't into it from the start, not really anyway. I told him from the first that it was my first relationship and that I didn't know how I felt about it and him just yet. Despite us being in a relationship, I think I always kept us from being close. It was like I was waiting for something that never came. We were later on hardly ever alone, and when we were, we either watching TV or chatting via Skype. And I didn't mind us not being alone. It may have been an issue of intimacy on my side, but I am convinced that I was missing something, that oomph, or yowza, if you will. I struggled to keep things going anyway, way longer than I should have. As a time reference: I had the realisation in December, but we broke up in March. I was trying not to hurt his feelings, and retreated until he couldn't take it anymore. Then we had a long talk and parted ways in a kind of peaceful way. It ended in a stalemate and then he went to Japan for a year. Haven't seen him since.

Now my interpretation of what might have been going on (it's also confusing to me, btw):

• He might have been shy initially, unsure of his feelings, but (like me) tested the relationship despite having doubts from the start
• He might have been jealous of your other guy friends, not wanting to compete (sorry, I lost the train of thought)
  
• Part of your last conversation seems awfully much like a bunch of excuses; this may either be deliberate or unconsciously self-destructive in origin (I don't know how religious he is)
  
• The recordings may have been such a test and he expected a specific response (you didn't mention how you handled them)
• And about the other friends: it could have been a socialising thing, trying to get a vibe on the others; but it doesn't excuse ignoring you
• Him "liking to stay a mystery" screams of special snowflake syndrome. I guess those are the people who want and don't want to be understood; they revel in their "nobody understands me"-INFJ-ness, and identify themselves by their not being understood, and thus don't like being understood because they fear it robs them of their uniqueness. Or something like that.

My advice would be a risky one: confrontation. Ask him what is going on, and what his intentions were. It is the only way to get some clarity. Some people just need a push in the right direction. You probably know the risky part about this is that it might be too hard a push, which makes him retreat even more. But I think if you mean something to him, even if it's just friendship, he will respond. Even if it takes him a couple of days.

Thanks so much for your response!! hmm.. he DID say during a discussion with all our mutual friends that "sometimes when a girl is too popular, its bad" cause he will just give up. And he has called me popular before.. though to me, it's just having normal friendships... He IS extremely religious and I don't think it was a spur of the moment excuse.. He disappeared for a week just reflecting on himself and religion

I responded by complimenting him and saying he's a good guitarist and he has a nice voice I didn't want to read into it I guess.... having felt like I've been rejected by him earlier.. He did note that I didn't talk to him much.. HAHA he didn't understand that I was just being my ENFP self and getting really shy around my crush

Are the doubts because he hasn't felt chemistry..? idk.. I just really don't want to feel rejected twice.. even though my intuition tells me he does have SOME feelings...

 

[Ginny]

Thanks so much for your response!! hmm.. he DID say during a discussion with all our mutual friends that "sometimes when a girl is too popular, its bad" cause he will just give up. And he has called me popular before.. though to me, it's just having normal friendships... He IS extremely religious and I don't think it was a spur of the moment excuse.. He disappeared for a week just reflecting on himself and religion

I responded by complimenting him and saying he's a good guitarist and he has a nice voice I didn't want to read into it I guess.... having felt like I've been rejected by him earlier.. He did note that I didn't talk to him much.. HAHA he didn't understand that I was just being my ENFP self and getting really shy around my crush

Are the doubts because he hasn't felt chemistry..? idk.. I just really don't want to feel rejected twice.. even though my intuition tells me he does have SOME feelings...

If art and life have taught me anything, it's that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. INFJs value authenticity and need much encouragement (not only INFJs; the amount differs from person to person) to come out of their shell. However, it seems like you do too. If you think you might not be clear about your intentions, or the other way around, you desperately need to talk and clear the air.

In my opinion, rejection is a small prive to pay for clarity. But it's your choice: what do you want more?

 

[ENFPee]

If art and life have taught me anything, it's that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. INFJs value authenticity and need much encouragement (not only INFJs; the amount differs from person to person) to come out of their shell. However, it seems like you do too. If you think you might not be clear about your intentions, or the other way around, you desperately need to talk and clear the air.

In my opinion, rejection is a small prive to pay for clarity. But it's your choice: what do you want more?

You're very spot on about me being private (what else should I expect from INFJs? ) and I guess he may partially see that as me not wanting to trust him..? Hmm.. Maybe I have some reflecting to do also.. I just open up at a very dinosauric pace about my personal life.. But hmm.. thanks Ginny!!!

 

[Wyote]

I am with @Ginny here, you need to start an open dialogue with him and be forthcoming about everything. He seems skittish, so he has probably been testing the waters with you and just continues to have reservations and uncertainty, which it sounds like is based heavily or at least somewhat on his religious beliefs. If he wasn't interested in you, he wouldn't be spending more time with you after you expressed feelings for him.

 

[the]

Being "freaked out" that someone has developed romantic feelings for you is never a good reaction. Either way he is not ready for a relationship which sounds like a nice way to let you down. He seems correct in stating that he is not ready for a relationship.

I'd look past the flirting he did, he was probably just lonely at the time.

 

[workaholicsanon]

Do INFJ guys lie about liking someone when they are not ready for a relationship?

Sure, same as any guy would, if they want no-strings-attached sex.
Another reason can be if they are fond of someone but are on the fence about whether they like them platonically or romantically.
One more reason is if he wants to use you for something (not necessarily sex) - like maybe there is an ulterior motive.
Not type related IMO.

 

[workaholicsanon]

Sure, same as any guy would, if they want no-strings-attached sex.
Another reason can be if they are fond of someone but are on the fence about whether they like them platonically or romantically.
One more reason is if he wants to use you for something (not necessarily sex) - like maybe there is an ulterior motive. Like if he manipulates your feelings, it might make it easier for him to get certain favors (again, not necessarily sexual). Some people are just manipulative like that.

Not type related IMO.

 

[Pin]

My advice would be a risky one: confrontation. Ask him what is going on, and what his intentions were. It is the only way to get some clarity. Some people just need a push in the right direction. You probably know the risky part about this is that it might be too hard a push, which makes him retreat even more. But I think if you mean something to him, even if it's just friendship, he will respond. Even if it takes him a couple of days.

Do it. Be blunt; ask him if he likes you. If he's not going to give you a "yes," find another guy who doesn't waste your time.

There's men out there who are rational, less complicated, and to the point.

 

[Makaidos]

As an INFJ male, I can definitely say what he is doing would be my gameplan if I was too shy to tell somebody I cared for them. Also, his actions remind me of when I was in love. However, I will not pretend to know him. INFJs seem to come in many flavors and I have found some that differ from me quite largely - to the point where I can hardly connect to them in any way. As a very religious person, I know I would struggle if the one I cared about was not religiously affiliated with me. That could be a possibility that is giving him pause if you are not as he is spiritually. As for advice, I know that, due to my shyness, the best thing -I- could hope for if I was in his position (and assuming I was in love) is that the object of my love approaches me about it. Because I know -I- sure will not be the first to bring it up! So I suggest bringing it up with him. And be 100% yourself. We love people for who they really are, never for who they pretend to be. Any attempt to put on a mask to gain love points with us most likely will backfire. By how it sounds though, it would be rather hard for you to "mess this up" we tend to fall in love slowly, but we fall in love hard. Many adventures for you~ Thus ends my disjointed mind speak. Good luck.

 

[robert]

Sounds like he likes you but is very insecure. He wants to know for sure. INFJ's see everything in forever tense, we don't make decisions based on the moment that puts our emotional wellbeing on the line. When we commit to something it is forever. Bringing up other guys to an INFJ is a red flag, He probably feels that if you are bringing up other guys to him he sees these other guys as an emotional threat. I don't know why people do this, I have had girls that I had dated do this jealousy ploy, I dumped them immediately as I see it as manipulation and playing with my emotions whether or not if these other "guys" actually existed or not. The worse thing you can do to an INFJ is to try to manipulate them, If they see through it (which they will) you will definitely be looked on as unloyal. Be honest, be authentic, (i know that word gets used a lot by INFJ but it is crucial). If you really like him, which sounds like you do, then be patient with him, make him secure that you are loyal and won't play with his emotions, don't push him to "open up", and basically let him know how special he is to you. Then if there is anything there he will slowly open up to you, but it sounds like you scared him and he has almost put you in that door slam, so no more manipulation.

 

[Kuron]

Being a late bird to relationships, I'm not sure how much help this post will be, but here goes.

I don't think an INFJ would ever lie about anything, they may not give you a clear answer, which would usually mean they're not sure how they feel about it themselves yet. So, I think you'd have to be patience about it.

I think bringing up other guys in the conversation after having confess to him is a bit of a red flag. As others have said, INFJ values authenticity. The things you say and do should show that he's important to you. After you've gained his trust though, you can talk about guys all you want, and he'd still know that he's important to you, which is probably why he's quiet or ignores that topic; I think its just sending mix or confusing signals.

I think I can say he's interested in seeing where the relationship will goes with you though, but it'll probably take a lot of time before you can get a clear answer. My best advice is probably just be yourself with him, support him, be there for him, and he'll probably slowly fall for you. Once he realize he has fallen for you, he probably won't let you go.

 

[Solomon Wood]

As an infj let me clarify a couple of things understand while their are many infjs and that never changes someones eneagram could be im a 4-5 or 4-8 i can really relate with this post in my own way. First off let me aatate something like and love are too different things i like and love almost everyone u deratand we infjs crave intamcy kust as much as anyone else but most of the things we do we do out of choices in purity freedom expression of the heart this is why most infj men are rare you might think your infj and not actually infj. So at least in my case and i have had many woman ask me for sex or something along the lines of it and tirned every one of them down its not that im against that to make it worse im a virgin believe me i crave intimacy but stuff has to remain pure we infj men are also known as the soul reader and let me say that name fits us i have had many a woman ask me for sex but not one woman has asked me on a date in society we men are suposed to state weather we want a woman or not but i disagree with that societys rules are part of the problem everything good is impure and messed up. Infj men if we like u we will love u unconditionaly thats why singing apeals to us but if you want an intimate or romantic relationship u have to make the first move but have it go slow or in person i would totaly give my all to someone but not if that person isnt gonna give there all think of it like this think of how in society the man has to do everything asertive but with is infj the rules are reversed its pure torture being alone and single i know by giving out this info im just hurting my chances of finding a wife even more but ya know what if it makes someone happy and helps them than thats great

 

[Solomon Wood]

My apologies for the faulty spelling so hope people understand what i was saying stupid text

 

[Solomon Wood]

We infjs also test the heart of those to make sure we they love us back we dont want those to feel in lin but how can we express the next level of love if soneone doesnt feel the same way i feel that would violate the other person you know as infjs we are both feelers and anylytical if u like us chances are we already know way way before u do but we are. A very misunderstood type so we have to test the perosn we like to make sure they like us or are just being kind so its best for the person who likes an i fj to be blunt about what they want then u will get the ball moving on what the infj wants and know where to go from there this especially goes to woman if u like an infj man please i beg of u be open about it straight up what u want us infj men wont be hurtfull to u chances are if it get like that we will provide another way that works in the favor of both of us i hope this helps. For example today someoen asked me on a dating site if i wanted to fuck i was like im. Ot saying no but i have a lot of self respect and value for myself i dont eben know u lets get to know each other first then sure i havent heard back from that person yet so i removed the text and person not because i disliked the person or didnt want to know them but because i felt that if i did give myself to that person they would just leave me we infjs care deeply about deep relationships and things of the heart things have to hve meaning i hope my experiance as an infj man can help u deal with your problem with your infj male friend also enfps i love u guus the kindness meter you guys express is really a wonderfull turn on omg if the whole world were like u enfps the world would be a better plce

 

[Solomon Wood]

Being a late bird to relationships, I'm not sure how much help this post will be, but here goes.

I don't think an INFJ would ever lie about anything, they may not give you a clear answer, which would usually mean they're not sure how they feel about it themselves yet. So, I think you'd have to be patience about it.

I think bringing up other guys in the conversation after having confess to him is a bit of a red flag. As others have said, INFJ values authenticity. The things you say and do should show that he's important to you. After you've gained his trust though, you can talk about guys all you want, and he'd still know that he's important to you, which is probably why he's quiet or ignores that topic; I think its just sending mix or confusing signals.

I think I can say he's interested in seeing where the relationship will goes with you though, but it'll probably take a lot of time before you can get a clear answer. My best advice is probably just be yourself with him, support him, be there for him, and he'll probably slowly fall for you. Once he realize he has fallen for you, he probably won't let you go.

Yes i 100 percent agree with this and hey if he doesnt well im an infj and im definatly available im 25 will be 26 in september goodluck i hope u can get through to him

 

[slant]

Hey!! I'm an ENFP seeking advice about the confusing behaviour of an INFJ guy friend We were childhood acquaintances but only got to know each other as friends in the last year. Within a few months, being the ENFP I am ersevere:, I confessed to him that I was starting to develop feelings towards him, to which he didn't reply for a few days. He then replied that I freaked him out but did not really answer to the confession. I took it as a rejection and we continued being friends.

Over the next 6 months, we got even closer and hung out etc. He started to openly show concern and protectiveness. He also sent recordings of his singing love songs/suggesting songs too. He also called me beautiful and clarified that he was trying to "flirt". Lately, he's been sending songs about lovers who have to part for now as the time isn't right. He also gets real quiet/ignores the topic or text completely if I bring up guy friends in our convos etc.. When we hang out with other friends, he keeps me in his peripheral vision but doesn't look directly at me i.e. ignores me throughout but when we text later, will comment as though he's been watching me all day

However, when we discuss about the future, he will deny keeping in contact i.e. saying that if we were still in contact, to let him know if I managed to get my dream job. Or that he doesn't think I'm that cute (though this was quite some time ago) In our last conversation, he said we shouldn't hang out (or he shouldn't hang out with any girl?) because he's not ready for a relationship and it isn't religiously proper to do so. He also told me that I should know that he would not confess to anyone even if he liked the person out of shyness and lack of readiness. He also mentioned that he likes to stay a mystery and...... I'm not sure if this has any relation to anything lol.

I'm now confused if he even has feelings towards me. It sounds like he saw our hanging out as dates already??? And since he is a shy person.. I would think he wouldn't just send songs and call me beautiful if I was just a friend right? )= He got shy after he sent me his singing and stayed away for a few days.. It's just getting too confusing now.. I need to decide whether to move on or wait...

Run away.

Fast.

Never look back.

Honestly I would recommend never speaking to him again. You clearly have low self esteem and he is preying upon that and exploiting you. He is stringing you along; saying one thing then contradicting himself.

The fact that he told you that you aren't very pretty is particularly troubling and shows he does not have respect for you at all-- why are you attracted to somebody who clearly wants to demean you? Do you believe you don't deserve any better?

Also you might want to go to a psychologist to see if you have any of the following conditions:

Bipolar, borderline or codependency.


Work on yourself and don't date until you fix your self esteem a little because you are becoming attracted to emotionally fucked up men who will hurt you, and you seem to be completely blind to it.

I was once like you until somebody completely destroyed every ounce of dignity and self worth that I had and I learned to protect myself and value myself enough to never wind up in that situation again.

I hope you can too.

 

[David54]

Sounds like a bunch of game playing to me. Walk away..you don't need this

 

[Solomon Wood]

Hey!! I'm an ENFP seeking advice about the confusing behaviour of an INFJ guy friend We were childhood acquaintances but only got to know each other as friends in the last year. Within a few months, being the ENFP I am ersevere:, I confessed to him that I was starting to develop feelings towards him, to which he didn't reply for a few days. He then replied that I freaked him out but did not really answer to the confession. I took it as a rejection and we continued being friends.

Over the next 6 months, we got even closer and hung out etc. He started to openly show concern and protectiveness. He also sent recordings of his singing love songs/suggesting songs too. He also called me beautiful and clarified that he was trying to "flirt". Lately, he's been sending songs about lovers who have to part for now as the time isn't right. He also gets real quiet/ignores the topic or text completely if I bring up guy friends in our convos etc.. When we hang out with other friends, he keeps me in his peripheral vision but doesn't look directly at me i.e. ignores me throughout but when we text later, will comment as though he's been watching me all day

However, when we discuss about the future, he will deny keeping in contact i.e. saying that if we were still in contact, to let him know if I managed to get my dream job. Or that he doesn't think I'm that cute (though this was quite some time ago) In our last conversation, he said we shouldn't hang out (or he shouldn't hang out with any girl?) because he's not ready for a relationship and it isn't religiously proper to do so. He also told me that I should know that he would not confess to anyone even if he liked the person out of shyness and lack of readiness. He also mentioned that he likes to stay a mystery and...... I'm not sure if this has any relation to anything lol.

I'm now confused if he even has feelings towards me. It sounds like he saw our hanging out as dates already??? And since he is a shy person.. I would think he wouldn't just send songs and call me beautiful if I was just a friend right? )= He got shy after he sent me his singing and stayed away for a few days.. It's just getting too confusing now.. I need to decide whether to move on or wait...

Ok so ignore many of the replies related to this post u posted i can garentee u everyones not infj therefore they cant speak from a infj perspective... first let me state i can assure u on my life i am an infj and let me also infprm u we are absolutely god tier misunderstood when i say that its passion spekaing to this day i met one person that understood me and hes what most people would call umm dumb i guess but he had a good heart and thats what counts. anyways so about your infj friend first off i cant speak from if the person is infj or not but i can definatly relate to what hes like first off understand us infjs are extermly romantic but we cant be treated like the rest of the romance partners of the world i can garentee u what everypme says about him playing games let me tell u hea not im gonna give i advice to ask him if this doesnt work understand he's not infj first off ask him what jes want of your i terested in him ask him and also state bluntly im i terested in u in this way i want to know are you interested in me in this way you will get either a yes or a not yes answer but not a know if he genuinly has feelings its impossible for us infjs to look at a woman and not have feelings we feel and we feel hard but we also over analyze quick if that doesnt work i would sugest move in and kiss him we infjs are mysterious and protective we are master anylyzers and use are emotions externally we love purely and on a whole other level than most people if thos guy really does like u a kiss from him should prove it if your the one who is serious then try kissing him if ue lets go hos protectiveness he likes u there is many reasons wr keep a guard up depending on a infj level of maturity the fact that hes even talking to u i can tell u he likes u deeply and speaking as an infj enfp are tlvery attractive because of the external emotional copasory of kindness many would call bubly we find it absolutely intoxicating i can garentee u he likes u but you gotta make the move if the situation isnt getting anywhere by him then u get the aotuation there nobody will blame u if he loves u he loves u but trust u i can tell by jow u deacribe how he acts he trusts u many dont understand us infjs they think us creepy because of how we act is like out of a story book a actual pronce charming thats because we care about purity look at every infj famous in history gandi jesus christ martin luther king hitler they all wanted to do things to change thinggs for the better but becUse nobody is an infj they couldnt understand hitler was actually a decent fellow just went off the deep end he thought religion was the problem peace couldnt be achieved so he thought he could get rid of them it would bring peice he was crazy but even though he ended up pure evil underatand it all came from a dream for piece wvn though he meant well like i said mny people dont understand infj love isnt something we want or we can live without love is something we need if u want more hitlers in the world the leave us infjs alone and ghost us and treat us like we dont exists watch how the torture of no intimacy or love tears us up and we end up becoming crazy people in power not fun so if you know any single woman and any infjs feel free to play matchmaker their is absolutely nothing wrong with it in your own way your saving the futre and making it better by loving an infj i know this sounds cheezy but its true thing of us like atar wars we are force users and u people have the power to push us to the dark side we are incresibly atrong willed people we can acomplish pretty much whatever we want lack of love is what leads us down a dark path my faith and hope in christ are the only thing keeping me from the dark side i know us infj look like really pure people but trust me we are hurting inside i love u all even if your reaponse are dickish its ok though i know your only imature and cant understand infj point ov view