[INFJ] - Do INFJ guys lie about liking someone when they are not ready for a relationship? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Do INFJ guys lie about liking someone when they are not ready for a relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by ENFPee, Aug 6, 2017.

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  1. ENFPee

    ENFPee Three

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    Hey!! :grin::grin::grin:I'm an ENFP seeking advice about the confusing behaviour of an INFJ guy friend :disrelieved: We were childhood acquaintances but only got to know each other as friends in the last year. Within a few months, being the ENFP I am :persevere:, I confessed to him that I was starting to develop feelings towards him, to which he didn't reply for a few days. He then replied that I freaked him out but did not really answer to the confession. I took it as a rejection and we continued being friends.

    Over the next 6 months, we got even closer and hung out etc. He started to openly show concern and protectiveness. He also sent recordings of his singing love songs/suggesting songs too. He also called me beautiful and clarified that he was trying to "flirt". Lately, he's been sending songs about lovers who have to part for now as the time isn't right. He also gets real quiet/ignores the topic or text completely if I bring up guy friends in our convos etc.. When we hang out with other friends, he keeps me in his peripheral vision but doesn't look directly at me i.e. ignores me throughout but when we text later, will comment as though he's been watching me all day :nomouth:

    However, when we discuss about the future, he will deny keeping in contact i.e. saying that if we were still in contact, to let him know if I managed to get my dream job. Or that he doesn't think I'm that cute :cry: (though this was quite some time ago) In our last conversation, he said we shouldn't hang out (or he shouldn't hang out with any girl?) because he's not ready for a relationship and it isn't religiously proper to do so. He also told me that I should know that he would not confess to anyone even if he liked the person out of shyness and lack of readiness. He also mentioned that he likes to stay a mystery and...... I'm not sure if this has any relation to anything lol.

    I'm now confused if he even has feelings towards me. It sounds like he saw our hanging out as dates already??? And since he is a shy person.. I would think he wouldn't just send songs and call me beautiful if I was just a friend right? )= He got shy after he sent me his singing and stayed away for a few days.. It's just getting too confusing now.. I need to decide whether to move on or wait... :sob::sob::sob:
     
  2. Ginny

    Ginny Shapeshifter

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    Some of what you wrote reminds me of my own behaviour when I was in a relationship a couple of years ago. So what I am writing now is partially based on my experience but as I don't know you or your guy friend I could be way off base as well.

    My ex and me started out as friends. I kind of liked him, but I didn't know if I liked him one way or the other. Since I know that going all the way and later realising it's not working out can destroy a perfectly good friendship, I was really hesitant. It was all new to me, but I wanted to be in a relationship, so when he asked me out I said yes. Due to my sucky memory I don't remember most of our relationship, but I remember what it felt like. I wasn't into it from the start, not really anyway. I told him from the first that it was my first relationship and that I didn't know how I felt about it and him just yet. Despite us being in a relationship, I think I always kept us from being close. It was like I was waiting for something that never came. We were later on hardly ever alone, and when we were, we either watching TV or chatting via Skype. And I didn't mind us not being alone. It may have been an issue of intimacy on my side, but I am convinced that I was missing something, that oomph, or yowza, if you will. I struggled to keep things going anyway, way longer than I should have. As a time reference: I had the realisation in December, but we broke up in March. I was trying not to hurt his feelings, and retreated until he couldn't take it anymore. Then we had a long talk and parted ways in a kind of peaceful way. It ended in a stalemate and then he went to Japan for a year. Haven't seen him since.

    Now my interpretation of what might have been going on (it's also confusing to me, btw):
    • He might have been shy initially, unsure of his feelings, but (like me) tested the relationship despite having doubts from the start
    • He might have been jealous of your other guy friends, not wanting to compete (sorry, I lost the train of thought)
    • Part of your last conversation seems awfully much like a bunch of excuses; this may either be deliberate or unconsciously self-destructive in origin (I don't know how religious he is)
    • The recordings may have been such a test and he expected a specific response (you didn't mention how you handled them)
    • And about the other friends: it could have been a socialising thing, trying to get a vibe on the others; but it doesn't excuse ignoring you
    • Him "liking to stay a mystery" screams of special snowflake syndrome. I guess those are the people who want and don't want to be understood; they revel in their "nobody understands me"-INFJ-ness, and identify themselves by their not being understood, and thus don't like being understood because they fear it robs them of their uniqueness. Or something like that.
    My advice would be a risky one: confrontation. Ask him what is going on, and what his intentions were. It is the only way to get some clarity. Some people just need a push in the right direction. You probably know the risky part about this is that it might be too hard a push, which makes him retreat even more. But I think if you mean something to him, even if it's just friendship, he will respond. Even if it takes him a couple of days.
     
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  3. OP
    ENFPee

    ENFPee Three

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    Thanks so much for your response!! hmm.. he DID say during a discussion with all our mutual friends that "sometimes when a girl is too popular, its bad" cause he will just give up. And he has called me popular before.. though to me, it's just having normal friendships... He IS extremely religious and I don't think it was a spur of the moment excuse.. He disappeared for a week just reflecting on himself and religion :relaxed:

    I responded by complimenting him and saying he's a good guitarist and he has a nice voice :sweatsmile: I didn't want to read into it I guess.... having felt like I've been rejected by him earlier.. He did note that I didn't talk to him much.. HAHA he didn't understand that I was just being my ENFP self and getting really shy around my crush :m163:

    Are the doubts because he hasn't felt chemistry..? idk.. I just really don't want to feel rejected twice.. :m167: even though my intuition tells me he does have SOME feelings...
     
  4. Ginny

    Ginny Shapeshifter

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    If art and life have taught me anything, it's that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. INFJs value authenticity and need much encouragement (not only INFJs; the amount differs from person to person) to come out of their shell. However, it seems like you do too. If you think you might not be clear about your intentions, or the other way around, you desperately need to talk and clear the air.

    In my opinion, rejection is a small prive to pay for clarity. But it's your choice: what do you want more?
     
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  5. OP
    ENFPee

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    You're very spot on about me being private (what else should I expect from INFJs? :sweatsmile:) and I guess he may partially see that as me not wanting to trust him..? Hmm.. Maybe I have some reflecting to do also.. :confounded: I just open up at a very dinosauric pace about my personal life.. But hmm.. thanks Ginny!!!:blush:
     
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  6. Wyote

    Wyote ○●○
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    I am with @Ginny here, you need to start an open dialogue with him and be forthcoming about everything. He seems skittish, so he has probably been testing the waters with you and just continues to have reservations and uncertainty, which it sounds like is based heavily or at least somewhat on his religious beliefs. If he wasn't interested in you, he wouldn't be spending more time with you after you expressed feelings for him.
     
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  7. the

    the Si master race.
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    Being "freaked out" that someone has developed romantic feelings for you is never a good reaction. Either way he is not ready for a relationship which sounds like a nice way to let you down. He seems correct in stating that he is not ready for a relationship.

    I'd look past the flirting he did, he was probably just lonely at the time.
     
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  8. workaholicsanon

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    Sure, same as any guy would, if they want no-strings-attached sex.
    Another reason can be if they are fond of someone but are on the fence about whether they like them platonically or romantically.
    One more reason is if he wants to use you for something (not necessarily sex) - like maybe there is an ulterior motive.
    Not type related IMO.
     
  9. workaholicsanon

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  10. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Do it. Be blunt; ask him if he likes you. If he's not going to give you a "yes," find another guy who doesn't waste your time.

    There's men out there who are rational, less complicated, and to the point.
     
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  11. Makaidos

    Makaidos Newbie

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    As an INFJ male, I can definitely say what he is doing would be my gameplan if I was too shy to tell somebody I cared for them. Also, his actions remind me of when I was in love. However, I will not pretend to know him. INFJs seem to come in many flavors and I have found some that differ from me quite largely - to the point where I can hardly connect to them in any way. As a very religious person, I know I would struggle if the one I cared about was not religiously affiliated with me. That could be a possibility that is giving him pause if you are not as he is spiritually. As for advice, I know that, due to my shyness, the best thing -I- could hope for if I was in his position (and assuming I was in love) is that the object of my love approaches me about it. Because I know -I- sure will not be the first to bring it up! So I suggest bringing it up with him. And be 100% yourself. We love people for who they really are, never for who they pretend to be. Any attempt to put on a mask to gain love points with us most likely will backfire. By how it sounds though, it would be rather hard for you to "mess this up" we tend to fall in love slowly, but we fall in love hard. Many adventures for you~ Thus ends my disjointed mind speak. Good luck.
     
  12. robert

    robert Regular Poster

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    Sounds like he likes you but is very insecure. He wants to know for sure. INFJ's see everything in forever tense, we don't make decisions based on the moment that puts our emotional wellbeing on the line. When we commit to something it is forever. Bringing up other guys to an INFJ is a red flag, He probably feels that if you are bringing up other guys to him he sees these other guys as an emotional threat. I don't know why people do this, I have had girls that I had dated do this jealousy ploy, I dumped them immediately as I see it as manipulation and playing with my emotions whether or not if these other "guys" actually existed or not. The worse thing you can do to an INFJ is to try to manipulate them, If they see through it (which they will) you will definitely be looked on as unloyal. Be honest, be authentic, (i know that word gets used a lot by INFJ but it is crucial). If you really like him, which sounds like you do, then be patient with him, make him secure that you are loyal and won't play with his emotions, don't push him to "open up", and basically let him know how special he is to you. Then if there is anything there he will slowly open up to you, but it sounds like you scared him and he has almost put you in that door slam, so no more manipulation.
     
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  13. Kuron

    Kuron Lucky

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    Being a late bird to relationships, I'm not sure how much help this post will be, but here goes.

    I don't think an INFJ would ever lie about anything, they may not give you a clear answer, which would usually mean they're not sure how they feel about it themselves yet. So, I think you'd have to be patience about it.

    I think bringing up other guys in the conversation after having confess to him is a bit of a red flag. As others have said, INFJ values authenticity. The things you say and do should show that he's important to you. After you've gained his trust though, you can talk about guys all you want, and he'd still know that he's important to you, which is probably why he's quiet or ignores that topic; I think its just sending mix or confusing signals.

    I think I can say he's interested in seeing where the relationship will goes with you though, but it'll probably take a lot of time before you can get a clear answer. My best advice is probably just be yourself with him, support him, be there for him, and he'll probably slowly fall for you. Once he realize he has fallen for you, he probably won't let you go. :p
     
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