So since this topic intertwined some with inner child and wounding I thought I would drop some articles here. (Although I'm kinda positive some of them are known or already in some other thread. So I'll just add spoilers for those who like..)
Source
Source
Source
Source
Source
Patterns and Causes of INFJ Wounding
INFJs are a very special breed. We can be the most giving of individuals as we serve the people we love and uphold the ideals in which we believe. But this level of contribution comes with a very specific price. When our contributions are not appreciated, our wounded-ness surfaces and we can be left feeling lonely, under-appreciated, misunderstood, and even misrepresented.
Few people understand the level of commitment INFJs offer to the world. Even as a young child, we learn that the world is a serious place. As we grow up and begin to yearn for a community, we accept that we need to carry our share of responsibilities, as well as help others carry theirs. Since we see the bigger picture, we naturally assume a lot of responsibility for ourselves and our community.
We love to help people; we love to show up and pull our own weight, but most importantly, we have an innate need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves – something that makes our hearts sing. We need a purpose, but getting there takes work. The biggest wound of an INFJ, the self-sacrificing wound, is what stops us from pursuing our dreams and becoming the fullest expression of ourselves.
Without purpose, our life feels somewhat incomplete. After all, we know in our heart of hearts that there is so much more to life than what is right now. We need a purpose so that we don’t just exist at the receiving end of the world and others’ emotions. Just being a conduit for the emotions of others is not enough for the balanced INFJ.
What stands in the way of full actualization for a balanced INFJ is the patterning of deep wounding that occurred in our childhood. This wounding exists on different levels of consciousness: the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind. Depending on the degree of knowledge and healing we can offer the wounding, it may end up running our lives – knowingly or unknowingly.
To become aware of the presence of your wounding, ask yourself if and when you are likely to exhibit one or more of the following:
All these wounding patterns develop early in childhood – usually in the imprint period – and we can trace the pain points to life events of a very specific flavor. Here are some examples of how the INFJ pain points come about:
Mark, one of my INFJ clients, struggled with the scarring from his narcissistic mother. Mark was not alone with his pain points. Most narcissistic parents offer love and care to their child only to the extent that it supports their story. Mark had gotten used to being a pawn in his mother’s game, and as such, he never really developed a sense of his sovereign self. As far as he was concerned, he only existed for others, not for himself. Mark was so affected by his upbringing that he ended up having a string of manipulative girlfriends who, after the honeymoon period was over, turned into controlling and destructive forces in his life – exactly like his mother. Mark was determined to find real love. Instead of blaming the women who all exhibited the same behavior patterning, I recommended that he work on the common denominator – himself. He took my advice, did self-parenting, worked through his mothering issues, and attracted an ideal partner into his life. Together they have been able to build a healthy, happy, and interdependent relationship.
Stefanie, another one of my INFJ clients, was a hardcore perfectionist when I began working with her. She was a corporate shark with very little time for under performers in her life. Even though she was happy enough with her life, she was struggling to have a baby. Talk about a creative block! After years of IVF with no luck, she came to me for help. She had heard about me from a colleague of hers, Sandy, who had become pregnant after three months of working with me. She wanted some of the same magic for herself. By guiding her way back home to herself, she began the journey of falling in love with her inner child. After two months of serious work, she reported back to me that she was experiencing deep feelings of gratitude and completeness for the first time in years. As her body relaxed, she began to get more and more creative in her expression. She was still a serious corporate type, but at home she could relax for the first time in years. Six months into her mentoring work she called me with the news – she was ten weeks pregnant. Not only was her body relaxed enough to facilitate a baby, she had never been happier. She was feeling closer to her husband for the first time in years, and her creative side took an unexpected turn in that she began sewing baby blankets for new mothers who could not afford one. The corporate side of her is still there, but the personal shell that used to be hollow is now a cornucopia of love, tenderness, and creativity.
If you can relate to anything you have read so far, here are some action steps you can take right now to bring you the sovereignty and peer relationships you have always dreamt of:
INFJs are a very special breed. We can be the most giving of individuals as we serve the people we love and uphold the ideals in which we believe. But this level of contribution comes with a very specific price. When our contributions are not appreciated, our wounded-ness surfaces and we can be left feeling lonely, under-appreciated, misunderstood, and even misrepresented.
Few people understand the level of commitment INFJs offer to the world. Even as a young child, we learn that the world is a serious place. As we grow up and begin to yearn for a community, we accept that we need to carry our share of responsibilities, as well as help others carry theirs. Since we see the bigger picture, we naturally assume a lot of responsibility for ourselves and our community.
We love to help people; we love to show up and pull our own weight, but most importantly, we have an innate need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves – something that makes our hearts sing. We need a purpose, but getting there takes work. The biggest wound of an INFJ, the self-sacrificing wound, is what stops us from pursuing our dreams and becoming the fullest expression of ourselves.
Without purpose, our life feels somewhat incomplete. After all, we know in our heart of hearts that there is so much more to life than what is right now. We need a purpose so that we don’t just exist at the receiving end of the world and others’ emotions. Just being a conduit for the emotions of others is not enough for the balanced INFJ.
What stands in the way of full actualization for a balanced INFJ is the patterning of deep wounding that occurred in our childhood. This wounding exists on different levels of consciousness: the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind. Depending on the degree of knowledge and healing we can offer the wounding, it may end up running our lives – knowingly or unknowingly.
To become aware of the presence of your wounding, ask yourself if and when you are likely to exhibit one or more of the following:
- You feel overly sensitive to certain things and stimuli, such as noise, distraction, visual stimulation, or “psychic junk” (others’ emotions).
- You regularly seek approval from others for how you are living your life only to be bypassed or belittled, or ever worse, being told that you are overreacting to and over thinking things.
- You consistently go above and beyond what’s required to serve people around you both at work and home, and never feel your efforts reciprocated. You feel like your everyday relationships are very one-sided, and that others don’t offer the same kind of commitment to you as you offer to them.
- You feel that you are addicted to helping others. Trying to fix everyone else’s problems does not help you personally – instead, it takes the “you time” away from you, and puts it towards others’ issues. As a result, you feel constantly depleted, tired, and disappointed in yourself for not having performed “better.”
- You search for permission to be yourself from perceived authority figures. Or you feel the need to prove your worth by outperforming everyone else so that you can feel acceptable, which is where your perfectionistic tendencies come to the surface. That inner 10 Year Old’s “Accuracy” (Introverted Thinking), which constantly leaves you feeling like you are not good enough.
All these wounding patterns develop early in childhood – usually in the imprint period – and we can trace the pain points to life events of a very specific flavor. Here are some examples of how the INFJ pain points come about:
- Constant feelings of being singled out or “left out”, usually by family, friends, or circumstances of perceived authority; this leaves us feeling like we are always searching for that sweet place of belonging in our lives.
- The regular frustration of being the only one who sees the bigger picture left you feeling unsafe, which makes us rely on our own intuitive skills rather than trusting other people. And when we don’t learn to extend trust properly, we end up with very poor judgment on who we can trust; this is why INFJs often end up in relationships and friendships with highly manipulative people such as narcissists and sociopaths.
- As we grow up, we soon learn to become little perfectionists. It becomes second nature for us to control our environment to feel like we are our own person. If not healed, this patterning will leave us in the perpetual cycle of anxiety and depression.
- Many INFJs report having at least one parent, who was physically, psychologically or emotionally controlling. As a result, many INFJs learn to normalize controlling behavior and to think that it’s completely acceptable. Over time, this patterning breaks down the INFJ’s personal identity, and in severe cases, obliterates it all together. The INFJ is left feeling like they have no idea who they are and what makes them happy.
- Chronic, unhealed feelings of being let down by others will multiply in our cellular memory and make the INFJ see things through the lens of disappointment, which is a very taxing way to live. If not healed, this pain point will lead to chronic illness or severe depression.
Mark, one of my INFJ clients, struggled with the scarring from his narcissistic mother. Mark was not alone with his pain points. Most narcissistic parents offer love and care to their child only to the extent that it supports their story. Mark had gotten used to being a pawn in his mother’s game, and as such, he never really developed a sense of his sovereign self. As far as he was concerned, he only existed for others, not for himself. Mark was so affected by his upbringing that he ended up having a string of manipulative girlfriends who, after the honeymoon period was over, turned into controlling and destructive forces in his life – exactly like his mother. Mark was determined to find real love. Instead of blaming the women who all exhibited the same behavior patterning, I recommended that he work on the common denominator – himself. He took my advice, did self-parenting, worked through his mothering issues, and attracted an ideal partner into his life. Together they have been able to build a healthy, happy, and interdependent relationship.
Stefanie, another one of my INFJ clients, was a hardcore perfectionist when I began working with her. She was a corporate shark with very little time for under performers in her life. Even though she was happy enough with her life, she was struggling to have a baby. Talk about a creative block! After years of IVF with no luck, she came to me for help. She had heard about me from a colleague of hers, Sandy, who had become pregnant after three months of working with me. She wanted some of the same magic for herself. By guiding her way back home to herself, she began the journey of falling in love with her inner child. After two months of serious work, she reported back to me that she was experiencing deep feelings of gratitude and completeness for the first time in years. As her body relaxed, she began to get more and more creative in her expression. She was still a serious corporate type, but at home she could relax for the first time in years. Six months into her mentoring work she called me with the news – she was ten weeks pregnant. Not only was her body relaxed enough to facilitate a baby, she had never been happier. She was feeling closer to her husband for the first time in years, and her creative side took an unexpected turn in that she began sewing baby blankets for new mothers who could not afford one. The corporate side of her is still there, but the personal shell that used to be hollow is now a cornucopia of love, tenderness, and creativity.
If you can relate to anything you have read so far, here are some action steps you can take right now to bring you the sovereignty and peer relationships you have always dreamt of:
- Take a good look at your current friendship sphere. The average of the top 5 people who influence you on a daily basis is how you treat yourself. By upgrading some of the forces and individuals in your life, you can begin to move towards the life you want. Sometimes improving the Circle of 5 can mean choosing a mentor, and listening to their audio programmes during the day. It can be as simple as that!
- Make two boxes – you can use shoe boxes for this – one with “Patterning” and one with “The Authentic Life” written on it. Observe yourself and write recurring thoughts on pieces of paper. File the pieces of paper into the appropriate boxes. Anything that doesn’t fit your authentic life or doesn’t support who you want to become goes in your “Patterning” box. Anything that you feel inspired about, that makes you happy, or gives you a sense of fulfillment goes into “The Authentic Life” box. At the end of every month review the things in the “Patterning” box, and choose to let those things go. Do the same with “The Authentic Life” box and see how far you have come. Remember, before things change in your reality they have to change in your thoughts.
- Take yourself out on a date at least every two weeks. Book time for you to do things that YOU enjoy – put it in your diary and treat it as if it is a doctor’s appointment. Do not miss it! This exercise will give you deep insight into what provides you with a sense of happiness.
- If you want to take a deeper dive into yourself, check out the INFx Unveiled course, which will solidify your personal development more thoroughly.
Source (I'm adding this for bits and pieces: Please keep in mind that someone is selling a course 
)
)INFx Unveiled
Eliminate The Anxiety, Nervousness, Self-Doubt And FEAR That Are Destroying Your Chances To Have Sovereignty In Your Life And Stop Worrying That You Will Always Be “Alone Surrounded By People”
If You’re Ready To Finally Say Goodbye To Challenges Like The Insecurity, Fear, And Anxiety That Are Holding You Back From YOUR TRUE Inner Wisdom… This Will Be The Most Important Thing You Ever Read…
As an INFJ or INFP you see reality through the lens of your inner wisdom. Trouble is – no one else seems to see things the way you do.
In your quiet, reflective moments…
…did you feel like you stood out in your family while growing up? Did you witness things you instinctively felt were wrong and were baffled when everyone else seemed to be totally okay with them?
… have you ever felt like you understand people more deeply than they understand you?
… has it struck you that you have a lot of one-sided relationships?
… have you ever realized you’re in a relationship where you’re being “run over” by another person’s agenda? Have you ever become resentful because you’ve been sacrificing your own needs?
When you venture out into the world…
… have you ever been talking to another person about your inner truth and gotten so nervous and uptight that you started fumbling over your words… realizing that the other person is receiving bad vibrations from you? Did they just walk away…?
… have you ever been in a relationship with someone and became so emotionally invested in their happiness that you suppressed YOUR own feeling of well-being… to the point where you literally lost yourself to the relationship?
… do you find yourself struggling to ask for what you need… until you have been pushed to the edge… only to explode emotionally? (And then the worstpart: do you beat yourself up for it later, feeling horrible for the next several hours or days?)
… have you ever felt your emotions hijacking you to the point where you no longer feel in control of yourself or the situation?
Do any of the above sound familiar, maybe too familiar?
If you are an INFJ or INFP then you’ve been in one or more of these situations… probably MANY TIMES.
And you know what we think is the most PAINFUL thing about having to experience even just ONE of these situations? It’s this: as you go through it, you KNOW it doesn’t have to be this way. You possess the secret weapon you need to feel empowered. You have your inner wisdom.
So why isn’t it working in those situations?
It’s not that you lack willingness or motivation.
And you’re smart. You’ve been able to figure out most things in life…
It’s easy to blame other people, but deep down you know that’s not the reason.
It’s not ANYTHING or ANYONE else.
If only you could bring that TRUE inner wisdom out when you need it…
But here’s the real reason: you have a block inside of you, and it’s keeping you from predictably accessing the inner wisdom you KNOW you possess.
Why This Is So Hard For INFJs and INFPs
Life isn’t easy for anyone. It’s challenging to get up and go to work everyday, pay the bills, to keep social situations harmonious…
But that’s the outside stuff.
We as people ALSO have to deal with what’s going on INSIDE of us.
Easier to hide. And, sometimes, much harder to face.
Why is it so hard to deal with inner turmoil… like fear, anxiety, self-doubt, self-criticism?
It has to do with inner wounding.
What is “inner wounding” – and why is one of the biggest challenges most INFxs face?
“Inner Wounding” is a pretty abstract concept. It’s something we can sense about ourselves… but we’re not always clear on the source.
Both INFJs and INFPs deal with inner wounding in slightly different ways.
The INFP Inner Wound: The fear that you have lost – or will lose – self-sovereignty and freedom.
If you are an INFP dealing with inner wounding you find yourself fearing that have lost, or will lose, freedom and sovereignty over the choices in your life. This fear often comes from being raised by a domineering parent, authority figure or paradigm. The domineering essence wounded you deeply, and you feel as though you are “under the thumb” of an authority that may even be long passed from your life.
You KNOW in your heart’s deepest wisdom that you have what it takes to BE YOUR OWN inner authority…. and yet it’s as if you can’t fully let go of this fundamental fear.
You may have created a life where you feel more in control of your choices… and yet you can’t shake this deep fear that someone could snatch your sovereignty from you at any moment.
For you as an INFP your CORE FEAR is losing sovereignty over your life and having your sanctum disrespected.
RESPECT from others and validation of YOUR inner desires is important. Otherwise you feel like you may lose a sense of who you are, a sense of SELF.
This core fear can lead to all sorts of dis-empowering behaviors…
Keep reading.
The INFJ Inner Wound: The fear of abandonment by a significant person in your life.
As an INFJ you find yourself fearing abandonment by the significant people in your life. For you it’s better to LOSE YOURSELF to a relationship than lose the relationship all together. You may find yourself saying, “It’s better to be lost to another than to be abandoned by them.”
This fear often comes from growing up with an absent or disconnected parent or authority figure. Even if they didn’t actually leave, their abandonment essence wounded you so deeply you felt destabilized. There was a perpetual feeling that they could “leave at any moment.” The famous INFJ perfectionism becomes a go-to answer to this fear: If you can just be perfect enough no one will want to leave you.
You KNOW in your heart’s deepest wisdom that you have what it takes to MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN…. and yet it’s as if you can’t shake the fundamental fear of abandonment.
You may have created a life where you feel like you can depend on the support of those around you… and yet you can’t shake the fear deep down that someone in authority may leave you at any moment.
For you as an INFJ your CORE FEAR is that if you become unacceptable (for even a moment) the people close to you in your life will leave you.
SUPPORT from others and connection with those you love is important. Otherwise you feel like you may be abandoned forever only to someday die isolated, without true connection and alone.
This core fear can lead to all sorts of dis-empowering behaviors…
Just like we told the INFPs… Keep reading.
Are you an INFP or INFJ in the grip of your inner wounding?
As an INFP or INFJ with such deep wounds… You have one of two options:
You either continue to allow yourself to give into your fear a little more each day and let go of that empowered life you know you want…
-Or-
You can take control of the situation and begin the journey of digging into the deep core of power that lies inside you… just under the wound you fear so much.
Imagine… healing your deepest wounds.
Fortunately, there is a path to embrace your inner wisdom and begin healing
Remember how we said your inner wounding comes from an authority figure in your past. This is often a parent or authority figure in your life.
The wound runs deep… but…
When you start spending time focused on healing your wound you begin to see empowerment, freedom, sovereignty and even purpose come to the surface of your life.
It feels like a burned is lifted and you can breathe as the real YOU… maybe for the first time ever.
It feels like you’ve finally found your inner superpower… but the crazy thing it’s been inside you this whole time just dying to break free and express itself.
The difference is so huge… It’s almost magical.
Side Effect: Discovering Your Life Purpose
One of the best things that often comes from healing your inner wound is a re-discovery of why you’re here on the planet.
It’s as if our wound cut right down the middle of our true purpose and only by peeling back the layers and realizing your true inner wisdom the floodgates of understand burst open.
Your mind and heart being to gush with excitement and intention. It’s a powerful experience that has to be felt to be fully understood.
The INFx Dream Unveiled
As an INFP… you dream of freedom and sovereignty
Imagine living your life with complete emotional freedom and sovereignty. Your core identity is empowered and fully in charge of your experience. There are no outside pressures to be ANYONE than who YOU REALLY ARE deep inside the very core of your being.
Imagine the power and control over yourself and your world world, without losing your
unique creativity.
As an INFJ… you dream of accomplishment and connection
Imagine getting to your goals… not with the taskmaster of perfection… but with a deep sense of inner achievement and calm. You set a goal that is PURELY FOR YOURSELF… not for others. And as you work toward your goals the people around you reflect back to you just how happy and inspiring you have become from your actions.
No guilt.
No losing yourself to others.
Feeling more connected to those around you than ever.
Imagine a life of connection and accomplishment.
Eliminate The Anxiety, Nervousness, Self-Doubt And FEAR That Are Destroying Your Chances To Have Sovereignty In Your Life And Stop Worrying That You Will Always Be “Alone Surrounded By People”
If You’re Ready To Finally Say Goodbye To Challenges Like The Insecurity, Fear, And Anxiety That Are Holding You Back From YOUR TRUE Inner Wisdom… This Will Be The Most Important Thing You Ever Read…
As an INFJ or INFP you see reality through the lens of your inner wisdom. Trouble is – no one else seems to see things the way you do.
In your quiet, reflective moments…
…did you feel like you stood out in your family while growing up? Did you witness things you instinctively felt were wrong and were baffled when everyone else seemed to be totally okay with them?
… have you ever felt like you understand people more deeply than they understand you?
… has it struck you that you have a lot of one-sided relationships?
… have you ever realized you’re in a relationship where you’re being “run over” by another person’s agenda? Have you ever become resentful because you’ve been sacrificing your own needs?
When you venture out into the world…
… have you ever been talking to another person about your inner truth and gotten so nervous and uptight that you started fumbling over your words… realizing that the other person is receiving bad vibrations from you? Did they just walk away…?
… have you ever been in a relationship with someone and became so emotionally invested in their happiness that you suppressed YOUR own feeling of well-being… to the point where you literally lost yourself to the relationship?
… do you find yourself struggling to ask for what you need… until you have been pushed to the edge… only to explode emotionally? (And then the worstpart: do you beat yourself up for it later, feeling horrible for the next several hours or days?)
… have you ever felt your emotions hijacking you to the point where you no longer feel in control of yourself or the situation?
Do any of the above sound familiar, maybe too familiar?
If you are an INFJ or INFP then you’ve been in one or more of these situations… probably MANY TIMES.
And you know what we think is the most PAINFUL thing about having to experience even just ONE of these situations? It’s this: as you go through it, you KNOW it doesn’t have to be this way. You possess the secret weapon you need to feel empowered. You have your inner wisdom.
So why isn’t it working in those situations?
It’s not that you lack willingness or motivation.
And you’re smart. You’ve been able to figure out most things in life…
It’s easy to blame other people, but deep down you know that’s not the reason.
It’s not ANYTHING or ANYONE else.
If only you could bring that TRUE inner wisdom out when you need it…
But here’s the real reason: you have a block inside of you, and it’s keeping you from predictably accessing the inner wisdom you KNOW you possess.
Why This Is So Hard For INFJs and INFPs
Life isn’t easy for anyone. It’s challenging to get up and go to work everyday, pay the bills, to keep social situations harmonious…
But that’s the outside stuff.
We as people ALSO have to deal with what’s going on INSIDE of us.
Easier to hide. And, sometimes, much harder to face.
Why is it so hard to deal with inner turmoil… like fear, anxiety, self-doubt, self-criticism?
It has to do with inner wounding.
What is “inner wounding” – and why is one of the biggest challenges most INFxs face?
“Inner Wounding” is a pretty abstract concept. It’s something we can sense about ourselves… but we’re not always clear on the source.
Both INFJs and INFPs deal with inner wounding in slightly different ways.
The INFP Inner Wound: The fear that you have lost – or will lose – self-sovereignty and freedom.
If you are an INFP dealing with inner wounding you find yourself fearing that have lost, or will lose, freedom and sovereignty over the choices in your life. This fear often comes from being raised by a domineering parent, authority figure or paradigm. The domineering essence wounded you deeply, and you feel as though you are “under the thumb” of an authority that may even be long passed from your life.
You KNOW in your heart’s deepest wisdom that you have what it takes to BE YOUR OWN inner authority…. and yet it’s as if you can’t fully let go of this fundamental fear.
You may have created a life where you feel more in control of your choices… and yet you can’t shake this deep fear that someone could snatch your sovereignty from you at any moment.
For you as an INFP your CORE FEAR is losing sovereignty over your life and having your sanctum disrespected.
RESPECT from others and validation of YOUR inner desires is important. Otherwise you feel like you may lose a sense of who you are, a sense of SELF.
This core fear can lead to all sorts of dis-empowering behaviors…
- “Right and wrong” are so personal to you that decisions must be made from within… but how can you lean into the ballast of self-trust if you’re jumpy, believing you have to justify or explain away all of your choices?
- You become reactive instead of responsive. If the fear of losing your sovereignty grows powerful enough you can start to believe your very essence is under attack. Other people begin to wonder why you’re so easily triggered. But for you, it feels like you are fighting for your very survival.
- A simple statement from another person that feels wrong and all of a sudden your wound rears it’s ugly head. You lash out to protect yourself from losing your sovereignty… but you’ve unwittingly denied the other person theirs.
- You experience a growing anxiety about going into the world only to be judged. How you’re perceived by others becomes extremely important. Ego starts to obstruct your personal healing and growth.
- You find yourself being uncharacteristically aggressive about your viewpoints, fearing that your authentic perspective and opinions will be ignored.
Keep reading.
The INFJ Inner Wound: The fear of abandonment by a significant person in your life.
As an INFJ you find yourself fearing abandonment by the significant people in your life. For you it’s better to LOSE YOURSELF to a relationship than lose the relationship all together. You may find yourself saying, “It’s better to be lost to another than to be abandoned by them.”
This fear often comes from growing up with an absent or disconnected parent or authority figure. Even if they didn’t actually leave, their abandonment essence wounded you so deeply you felt destabilized. There was a perpetual feeling that they could “leave at any moment.” The famous INFJ perfectionism becomes a go-to answer to this fear: If you can just be perfect enough no one will want to leave you.
You KNOW in your heart’s deepest wisdom that you have what it takes to MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN…. and yet it’s as if you can’t shake the fundamental fear of abandonment.
You may have created a life where you feel like you can depend on the support of those around you… and yet you can’t shake the fear deep down that someone in authority may leave you at any moment.
For you as an INFJ your CORE FEAR is that if you become unacceptable (for even a moment) the people close to you in your life will leave you.
SUPPORT from others and connection with those you love is important. Otherwise you feel like you may be abandoned forever only to someday die isolated, without true connection and alone.
This core fear can lead to all sorts of dis-empowering behaviors…
- Creating solid boundaries are important for everyone… but how can you set relationship boundaries if it’s your job to make sure the other person is perpetually happy?
- You find yourself swallowing all of your negative – but authentic! – emotions. You may become so unaccustomed to articulating how you feel that you no longer can. You turn to your journal and write your feelings down, but feel no permission to share them with anyone. Only your diary knows who you really are.
- Frustration stacks, and an inner bomb with an unknown timer gets triggered. If the situation becomes intolerable enough, you leave the relationship with the other person surprised, unsure of what happened.
Just like we told the INFPs… Keep reading.
Are you an INFP or INFJ in the grip of your inner wounding?
As an INFP or INFJ with such deep wounds… You have one of two options:
You either continue to allow yourself to give into your fear a little more each day and let go of that empowered life you know you want…
-Or-
You can take control of the situation and begin the journey of digging into the deep core of power that lies inside you… just under the wound you fear so much.
Imagine… healing your deepest wounds.
Fortunately, there is a path to embrace your inner wisdom and begin healing
Remember how we said your inner wounding comes from an authority figure in your past. This is often a parent or authority figure in your life.
The wound runs deep… but…
When you start spending time focused on healing your wound you begin to see empowerment, freedom, sovereignty and even purpose come to the surface of your life.
It feels like a burned is lifted and you can breathe as the real YOU… maybe for the first time ever.
It feels like you’ve finally found your inner superpower… but the crazy thing it’s been inside you this whole time just dying to break free and express itself.
The difference is so huge… It’s almost magical.
Side Effect: Discovering Your Life Purpose
One of the best things that often comes from healing your inner wound is a re-discovery of why you’re here on the planet.
It’s as if our wound cut right down the middle of our true purpose and only by peeling back the layers and realizing your true inner wisdom the floodgates of understand burst open.
Your mind and heart being to gush with excitement and intention. It’s a powerful experience that has to be felt to be fully understood.
The INFx Dream Unveiled
As an INFP… you dream of freedom and sovereignty
Imagine living your life with complete emotional freedom and sovereignty. Your core identity is empowered and fully in charge of your experience. There are no outside pressures to be ANYONE than who YOU REALLY ARE deep inside the very core of your being.
Imagine the power and control over yourself and your world world, without losing your
unique creativity.
As an INFJ… you dream of accomplishment and connection
Imagine getting to your goals… not with the taskmaster of perfection… but with a deep sense of inner achievement and calm. You set a goal that is PURELY FOR YOURSELF… not for others. And as you work toward your goals the people around you reflect back to you just how happy and inspiring you have become from your actions.
No guilt.
No losing yourself to others.
Feeling more connected to those around you than ever.
Imagine a life of connection and accomplishment.
Source
How Self Parenting Improves Your Relationships
Could your lack of self-parenting be ruining your relationships?
Did you ever fly off the handle and break up with someone only to regret your decision later when things calmed down? Do you often wish that things would be different in your relationship, but you’re not sure how to make the change happen? Do you stay in an unhappy relationship, just because change is scary? It’s possible that all this can change when you develop your self-parenting.
To understand self-parenting, we need to understand that three different people live inside of you:
Most people don’t consciously develop their inner parent, and this is the number one reason why some experience deep dissatisfaction in their lives and their relationships. Since the inner parent helps the inner child heal from their hurts and traumas, without developing the appropriate skills to help the child, most people’s inner parent is unable to support the inner child through experiences such as rejection or fear of abandonment. We all know these issues can damage and end relationships in our outer world and with our loved ones.
Talking about inner parenting in relation to relationships is important because without recognising the responsibility of attending to your own inner child’s wounding proactively, having a sustainable and growth-oriented relationship in the outside world is close to impossible. And when growth stops, power struggle reigns.
Without individual growth through inner parenting, most relationships have a bitter end. People either leave each other in anger or they stick it out and stay together in resentment. Either way, the unhealthy cycle continues in and out of the internal dialogue and the external relationship. Have you ever noticed a friend attracted to a certain type of person only to break up with them and end up with someone very similar to their last partner? Has that ever happened to you?
The issue is not that there are no good men and women left on the planet. The issue is that wherever you go, you take yourself, including your inner child’s hopes and fears with you, and if your inner parent lacks strength, soon the inner child runs the relationships with their emotions. They are either hopefully and entirely in love or feeling hurt over what someone else did or didn’t do. This way of relating to others feels truly disempowered.
Most of us don’t realise that struggle is unnecessary. While no relationship is “happily ever after,” most relationships can not only be saved but enhanced as well. Many of our gender work clients, having mastered their inner parenting work, report renewed and deepened love for their partner, even if sometimes the partner has hurt them and completely broken their trust. Relationships can recover and soar, even after a lull or a deep hurt. But as a disclaimer, I want you to know that you need to own your part in what happened and self-parenting provides the easiest way to grow.
Surprisingly, most still don’t realise that for you to be happy in the external relationships, things have to be good “at home,” meaning within yourself and between your adult self, inner parent and inner child. How you show up for yourself in the space of internal struggle looks similar to how you show up in the struggle of your outer relationships. In those times, you often have a high level of self-condemnation and a low level of self-worth. It’s much more comfortable to project this onto other people than to parent yourself through it, and this is why most people never take on the responsibility of self-parenting; it’s simply too challenging.
But self-parenting matters. If you commit to taking it on and staying with yourself through thick and thin, the rewards will blow you away. The normalcy of negative incidents lessens. People respect you more. Happy and satisfied become your go-to state. You grow more patient and the things that used to bother you no longer have power over you. You learn to navigate the tricky conversations with your significant other to work out if you are the right people for each other, and once compatibility is established through mutual respect and compromise, you can find yourself in a place of deep trust and intimacy. It’s like you fall in love again. Only this time more deeply and more wholly.
Next time you are in a situation of conflict with your partner, try these steps
For more information on Inner Parenting, check out our Podcast – Episode 0126 – Healing The Inner Child with Merja Sumiloff, and for more insights on our gender work, check out www.theradiantwoman.org.
Could your lack of self-parenting be ruining your relationships?
Did you ever fly off the handle and break up with someone only to regret your decision later when things calmed down? Do you often wish that things would be different in your relationship, but you’re not sure how to make the change happen? Do you stay in an unhappy relationship, just because change is scary? It’s possible that all this can change when you develop your self-parenting.
To understand self-parenting, we need to understand that three different people live inside of you:
- Your adult self, who sets the goals and dictates your life’s direction. In the car model, this would be your driver process or your flow state.
- Your inner child, who holds the hopes and fears close to their heart. In the car model this would be your 10 year old and your 3 year old processes combined.
- Your inner parent, who is the bridge between the adult self’s goals and the tenderness of the inner child. In the car model this would be your co-pilot or your auxiliary process.
Most people don’t consciously develop their inner parent, and this is the number one reason why some experience deep dissatisfaction in their lives and their relationships. Since the inner parent helps the inner child heal from their hurts and traumas, without developing the appropriate skills to help the child, most people’s inner parent is unable to support the inner child through experiences such as rejection or fear of abandonment. We all know these issues can damage and end relationships in our outer world and with our loved ones.
Talking about inner parenting in relation to relationships is important because without recognising the responsibility of attending to your own inner child’s wounding proactively, having a sustainable and growth-oriented relationship in the outside world is close to impossible. And when growth stops, power struggle reigns.
Without individual growth through inner parenting, most relationships have a bitter end. People either leave each other in anger or they stick it out and stay together in resentment. Either way, the unhealthy cycle continues in and out of the internal dialogue and the external relationship. Have you ever noticed a friend attracted to a certain type of person only to break up with them and end up with someone very similar to their last partner? Has that ever happened to you?
The issue is not that there are no good men and women left on the planet. The issue is that wherever you go, you take yourself, including your inner child’s hopes and fears with you, and if your inner parent lacks strength, soon the inner child runs the relationships with their emotions. They are either hopefully and entirely in love or feeling hurt over what someone else did or didn’t do. This way of relating to others feels truly disempowered.
Most of us don’t realise that struggle is unnecessary. While no relationship is “happily ever after,” most relationships can not only be saved but enhanced as well. Many of our gender work clients, having mastered their inner parenting work, report renewed and deepened love for their partner, even if sometimes the partner has hurt them and completely broken their trust. Relationships can recover and soar, even after a lull or a deep hurt. But as a disclaimer, I want you to know that you need to own your part in what happened and self-parenting provides the easiest way to grow.
Surprisingly, most still don’t realise that for you to be happy in the external relationships, things have to be good “at home,” meaning within yourself and between your adult self, inner parent and inner child. How you show up for yourself in the space of internal struggle looks similar to how you show up in the struggle of your outer relationships. In those times, you often have a high level of self-condemnation and a low level of self-worth. It’s much more comfortable to project this onto other people than to parent yourself through it, and this is why most people never take on the responsibility of self-parenting; it’s simply too challenging.
But self-parenting matters. If you commit to taking it on and staying with yourself through thick and thin, the rewards will blow you away. The normalcy of negative incidents lessens. People respect you more. Happy and satisfied become your go-to state. You grow more patient and the things that used to bother you no longer have power over you. You learn to navigate the tricky conversations with your significant other to work out if you are the right people for each other, and once compatibility is established through mutual respect and compromise, you can find yourself in a place of deep trust and intimacy. It’s like you fall in love again. Only this time more deeply and more wholly.
Next time you are in a situation of conflict with your partner, try these steps
- Keep your cool: Listen to your partner’s point of view without getting defensive. Remember, it is possible that the two of you hold different points of view on the issue and that neither needs to be made wrong for the issue to be resolved. It is only when you assume that someone else thinks of you as a bad person, that you get defensive. While their wording might suggest otherwise, try to accept that they are actually condemning your behaviour, not YOU as a person.
- Step back from the situation: Leave your emotions behind and look at the issues logically. Have the ‘next step’ conversations with your partner to work out where each of you is individually and where you want to go to next. Your inner parent, when thoroughly practiced, has the power to hold your inner child from jumping to conclusions about what your partner may or may not want. Remember to listen!
- Retreat and re-approach: Become aware that you feel triggered or overwhelmed, then step out of the conflict to look at your “story” and see how it’s contributing to the conflict. Take time out from the conflict to give yourself the inner parenting guidance you need to work through the inner child’s insecurities.
- Be proactive: Even though your hurt wants you to hide away and blame everything on your partner, choose to become proactive with your approach to your relationship. Learn to take feedback without attaching emotion to it, and try different things with your partner to find common ground. Communicate with your partner and offer commitments of change. Even if your partner initially does not reciprocate, if you stay true to your commitment to harmony within the relationship, eventually they will come around and begin to look at different ways of being for themselves.
- Follow-through: Keep yourself on track with your relationship commitments and remind yourself to stay the course to actualising your relationship goals.
For more information on Inner Parenting, check out our Podcast – Episode 0126 – Healing The Inner Child with Merja Sumiloff, and for more insights on our gender work, check out www.theradiantwoman.org.
Source
How To Heal And Re-parent Your Inner Child
Your Inner Child is the echo of the child you once were. We each have our own history and we have all been influenced by our environment, events and the significant people around us. Our inner child has stored those memories, and their impact upon us.
You may have heard the term 'inner child' and thought it was just another bit of ‘psycho-babble’ - even though the term has been around for many years now.
Your Inner Child is the echo of the child you once were.
We each have our own history and we have all been influenced by our environment, events and the significant people around us. Our inner child has stored those memories, and their impact upon us.
Up to the age of six years, our brain was functioning at a relatively slow pace —the Theta brainwave frequency of 4-7 cycles per second—which is a very ‘receptive’ brainwave state, and we would have been profoundly affected by our experiences.
We will have made ‘decisions’ at a sub-conscious level, about how we ‘should’ be and what we ‘should’ do in order to be seen as OK, and to be allowed to stay around and to ‘survive’ in our families.
Our later experiences will have reinforced these beliefs and formed our own ‘Script’ for how our life ‘should’ be. We carry these immature scripts and decisions with us into adulthood — when they run our lives more than 90% of the time.
It therefore makes sense that we should revisit the experiences of the child we once were, and to find out what our own script says about our life and the unfolding drama we have been re-creating and repeating.
Not doing so will result in our playing out of the same unexamined script and drama over and over again.
We cannot change the script by talking about it, or by conscious effort alone. It was designed to keep us safe—albeit in ways that now hinder us—and so it isn’t given up that easily!
Most of the time we are living life like a child inside a grown-up's body - and the child within us yearns for attention, understanding, care and support.
We may try to silence these deeper longings with alcohol or drugs, by promiscuity, gambling, over-spending, over-eating, work-a-holism, self-harming and other ways of avoiding the real and deeper needs we have. Needs which we haven’t allowed ourselves to become fully aware of, or to find a way to have sufficiently met.
Where does it begin?
We have all been influenced by our environments since the time we were in our mother's womb.
The sounds around us, our mother's stress levels, the abundance or deficit of the ‘feel-good’ hormones and neuro-peptides, our nourishment or lack of it, complications, twin pregnancies, drugs, alcohol, and infections will all have played their part in how safe we felt even before we were born.
Then the actual birth experience, and our early infant care, and the ‘emotional availability’ of our mother will have either reinforced or soothed the impact of those first pre-natal influences.
As small children we will have been absorbing a great deal from our extended families, our caregiver(s), friends, pre-school and early school years, and religious institutions.
We may not have had words for these experiences but they will have been ‘logged’ in our sub-conscious minds and bodies.
This all creates the pool in which we float, or sink. Inevitably, the water will be a bit dirty - or it may even be like thick mud.
In this pool resides our self-esteem, body-image, family trauma, shame and secrets (even if not spoken about—as they all affect the quality of the care our caregivers are able to show to us).
We will sink down into this pool, or mud, whenever we are overwhelmed by our negative thoughts, emotions, self-doubt or self-loathing.
In therapy the aim should be to sensitively lift out this dirt and mud, bit by bit, until we are left with just a stain of what was once there.
We must also learn how not to ‘top-it-up’ with more mud—either by doing that ourselves, or by being around other people who want to dump some of their own mud onto us, instead of dealing with it, and cleaning it up, for themselves.
Signs that your Inner Child is wounded
These will be shown in low self-esteem, poor body-image, mood and emotional imbalances, problems with boundaries being too rigid or too weak, problems with eating, harming yourself, psycho-sexual difficulties, being ‘false’ and wearing ‘masks’, identity problems, being a rebel/ a hoarder/ a bully/ a perennial victim or a super-achiever, intimacy problems, commitment problems, a general lack of trust in yourself and others, criminal behaviour, excessive lying, being ‘overly-responsible’ for others, being fiercely competitive and a poor loser, dependencies and addictions, a lack of genuine friends, obsessive and needy behaviour, fear of authority figures, being manipulative, being passive, or being aggressive.
That’s a long—and sadly not exhaustive—list. It is the stuff that brings people into psychotherapy. To repair and heal the wounds caused by parents, and others, who didn’t know any better. It is always about the unmet needs of the Inner Child - the place of both our early wounding and the most profound healing!
What can we do to help our wounded Inner Child?
We can learn how to meet, rescue and ‘adopt’ this wounded child who still lives deep inside us. After all, you are the only person who you can guarantee never to leave you!
We can then emotionally contain and soothe our Inner Child, and allow the Competent Adult inside us to ‘attend to business’ out in the world.
However, we must regularly keep in touch with what our Inner Child still needs from us—which is, to be truly cared for by someone who wants the very best for them—that's you!
If you have a photograph of yourself as a small child, this will help you to empathically reconnect with him/her— the aim of which is to now understand their plight and to show them/yourself the compassion which has been missing.
It is often easier to feel compassion for other people than it is for yourself and you may have been rejecting and ignoring the yearning of your Inner Child - who has been calling out to you, over many years, for your interest, attention, compassion and love.
It may mean you now allowing yourself to have ‘treats’ and rewards that you would never have allowed yourself, or have been allowed by your parents, in the past.
The sensible competent Adult part of you should be able to set fair and sensible boundaries around this, so that you do not over-indulge yourself, or use any rewards as either a distraction or as a cover up for your deeper pain.
[If you have difficulties accessing this Adult part of your inner psyche then psychotherapy will be of help to you, providing that it includes this aspect of integrating the hidden or lost aspects of your character and personality, to help you on your path to becoming a more well-rounded and complete person.]
Rescuing and re-parenting your Inner Child will allow you to ‘fill in the gaps’ and enable you to live a more positive and rewarding life—with fun, laughter, spontaneity, authenticity, and most importantly, with love.
I want to heartily encourage you to re-parent yourself and your inner child by lovingly caring for her and by doing these things as often as you can (these apply to both boys and girls)...
Your Inner Child is the echo of the child you once were. We each have our own history and we have all been influenced by our environment, events and the significant people around us. Our inner child has stored those memories, and their impact upon us.
You may have heard the term 'inner child' and thought it was just another bit of ‘psycho-babble’ - even though the term has been around for many years now.
Your Inner Child is the echo of the child you once were.
We each have our own history and we have all been influenced by our environment, events and the significant people around us. Our inner child has stored those memories, and their impact upon us.
Up to the age of six years, our brain was functioning at a relatively slow pace —the Theta brainwave frequency of 4-7 cycles per second—which is a very ‘receptive’ brainwave state, and we would have been profoundly affected by our experiences.
We will have made ‘decisions’ at a sub-conscious level, about how we ‘should’ be and what we ‘should’ do in order to be seen as OK, and to be allowed to stay around and to ‘survive’ in our families.
Our later experiences will have reinforced these beliefs and formed our own ‘Script’ for how our life ‘should’ be. We carry these immature scripts and decisions with us into adulthood — when they run our lives more than 90% of the time.
It therefore makes sense that we should revisit the experiences of the child we once were, and to find out what our own script says about our life and the unfolding drama we have been re-creating and repeating.
Not doing so will result in our playing out of the same unexamined script and drama over and over again.
We cannot change the script by talking about it, or by conscious effort alone. It was designed to keep us safe—albeit in ways that now hinder us—and so it isn’t given up that easily!
Most of the time we are living life like a child inside a grown-up's body - and the child within us yearns for attention, understanding, care and support.
We may try to silence these deeper longings with alcohol or drugs, by promiscuity, gambling, over-spending, over-eating, work-a-holism, self-harming and other ways of avoiding the real and deeper needs we have. Needs which we haven’t allowed ourselves to become fully aware of, or to find a way to have sufficiently met.
Where does it begin?
We have all been influenced by our environments since the time we were in our mother's womb.
The sounds around us, our mother's stress levels, the abundance or deficit of the ‘feel-good’ hormones and neuro-peptides, our nourishment or lack of it, complications, twin pregnancies, drugs, alcohol, and infections will all have played their part in how safe we felt even before we were born.
Then the actual birth experience, and our early infant care, and the ‘emotional availability’ of our mother will have either reinforced or soothed the impact of those first pre-natal influences.
As small children we will have been absorbing a great deal from our extended families, our caregiver(s), friends, pre-school and early school years, and religious institutions.
We may not have had words for these experiences but they will have been ‘logged’ in our sub-conscious minds and bodies.
This all creates the pool in which we float, or sink. Inevitably, the water will be a bit dirty - or it may even be like thick mud.
In this pool resides our self-esteem, body-image, family trauma, shame and secrets (even if not spoken about—as they all affect the quality of the care our caregivers are able to show to us).
We will sink down into this pool, or mud, whenever we are overwhelmed by our negative thoughts, emotions, self-doubt or self-loathing.
In therapy the aim should be to sensitively lift out this dirt and mud, bit by bit, until we are left with just a stain of what was once there.
We must also learn how not to ‘top-it-up’ with more mud—either by doing that ourselves, or by being around other people who want to dump some of their own mud onto us, instead of dealing with it, and cleaning it up, for themselves.
Signs that your Inner Child is wounded
These will be shown in low self-esteem, poor body-image, mood and emotional imbalances, problems with boundaries being too rigid or too weak, problems with eating, harming yourself, psycho-sexual difficulties, being ‘false’ and wearing ‘masks’, identity problems, being a rebel/ a hoarder/ a bully/ a perennial victim or a super-achiever, intimacy problems, commitment problems, a general lack of trust in yourself and others, criminal behaviour, excessive lying, being ‘overly-responsible’ for others, being fiercely competitive and a poor loser, dependencies and addictions, a lack of genuine friends, obsessive and needy behaviour, fear of authority figures, being manipulative, being passive, or being aggressive.
That’s a long—and sadly not exhaustive—list. It is the stuff that brings people into psychotherapy. To repair and heal the wounds caused by parents, and others, who didn’t know any better. It is always about the unmet needs of the Inner Child - the place of both our early wounding and the most profound healing!
What can we do to help our wounded Inner Child?
We can learn how to meet, rescue and ‘adopt’ this wounded child who still lives deep inside us. After all, you are the only person who you can guarantee never to leave you!
We can then emotionally contain and soothe our Inner Child, and allow the Competent Adult inside us to ‘attend to business’ out in the world.
However, we must regularly keep in touch with what our Inner Child still needs from us—which is, to be truly cared for by someone who wants the very best for them—that's you!
If you have a photograph of yourself as a small child, this will help you to empathically reconnect with him/her— the aim of which is to now understand their plight and to show them/yourself the compassion which has been missing.
It is often easier to feel compassion for other people than it is for yourself and you may have been rejecting and ignoring the yearning of your Inner Child - who has been calling out to you, over many years, for your interest, attention, compassion and love.
It may mean you now allowing yourself to have ‘treats’ and rewards that you would never have allowed yourself, or have been allowed by your parents, in the past.
The sensible competent Adult part of you should be able to set fair and sensible boundaries around this, so that you do not over-indulge yourself, or use any rewards as either a distraction or as a cover up for your deeper pain.
[If you have difficulties accessing this Adult part of your inner psyche then psychotherapy will be of help to you, providing that it includes this aspect of integrating the hidden or lost aspects of your character and personality, to help you on your path to becoming a more well-rounded and complete person.]
Rescuing and re-parenting your Inner Child will allow you to ‘fill in the gaps’ and enable you to live a more positive and rewarding life—with fun, laughter, spontaneity, authenticity, and most importantly, with love.
I want to heartily encourage you to re-parent yourself and your inner child by lovingly caring for her and by doing these things as often as you can (these apply to both boys and girls)...
- Remind yourself how special and wonderful you were as a child
- Have a safe place that you can bring to mind where you and your inner child can meet and play together
- When you speak kindly to your inner child each day, have a loving and soothing inner voice – one that is supportive, soft, nurturing, patient and comforting
- Tell her/him she is now loved, valued, and appreciated by you
- Be sure to tell your inner little girl that shedoesn't have to prove herself to anyone
- She has nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. None of what happened to her was ever her fault. She didn't deserve to be treated badly.
- She was just in the wrong place and had no means of escape – but she is now free at last!
- There is nothing wrong with her/him.Tell them how proud you are of them
- She needs to feel respected. Don't tolerate disrespect ever again
- Tell her that you will be her guardian, champion and protector from now on. Things will be OK and you will never let her come to any more harm
- She need never again fear being alone because you are always there for her now
- Apologise for not being aware of her pain and needs in the past, and of pushing her too hard sometimes to try and impress others
- Assure her that you will only allow safe, trustworthy and respectful people into your/her world now. Notice loving mothers who are caring for their babies and absorb that loving energy between a mother and child
- Reassure her that you will be alongside her either to speak up on her behalf, or to support her when she speaks up
- Agree upon a symbol of her freedom...something for her to summon up whenever she feels the need to escape and be alone with her thoughts. This might be (as some of my own clients have imagined) a ladder, a floating bubble, a sci-fi teleporter, a hot air balloon...anything that comes to mind that you/she can associate with release and freedom
- Regularly ask her how she's feeling and what she wants. Imagine sitting alongside that little girl, putting your arm around her shoulders and gently pulling her close to your heart.
- She has a home in your heart that she will never have to leave. She is safe with you now
- If she wants to cry let her cry, and be there as her new mother to wipe her tears and soothe her pain or fear. Accept all her feelings and don't react negatively to what comes up. Be patient with her
- Remember that healing happens in different ways and time-frames. Promise to do your best to bring her the joy that has been missing from her life – and this will be profoundly healing for you both.
- Show respect to your body - the home of your inner child. Keep it clean and toxin free. Keep it safe and happy... like a good caring home should be
- Think of her emotional healing as being like the physical healing of a wound – one step at a time. Keep the wound free of further contamination. Avoid toxic people and environments. Don't ever let her swallow any more poison – particularly if you still keep in touch with toxic/unhealed family members
- Get back those things that brought you joy as a child – no matter how fleeting. Be sure to make a big thing of her birthdays and Christmas, holidays and achievements
- Set up creative activities for your playful inner child to enjoy! Bouncing, dancing, crafts, finger painting and anything else that takes her fancy. Drawing – from the right brain – is a great way to express your inner child's feelings. Allow doodling and unstructured drawing and see what emerges when you're in the 'zone' of childlike creativity. Don't judge her efforts... just as you wouldn't judge a child bringing her art work home from school to show you. Be proud and show it!
- Sing songs from childhood (whether you could sing well back then or not). Release any shame dumped on you for your singing ability - and instead enjoy stretching your vocal chords and making your own sounds that come from your heart and reach out into the world
- Encourage her to loosen up and allow physical and emotional intimacy (this will enhance your own sexual intimacy too). She must feel safe and unconditionally accepted to be able to do this. Show her that she can trust her own instincts and be guided by her own 'antennae' as to who is safe. She may doubt her ability based upon her mistakes in the past. You are healing now and as you grow in love for yourself and your life you won't want or allow anyone close to your inner child if they don't align with that self love and a conscious caring relationship
- Whenever you have to leave your deliberate connection with her, always imagine placing her back inside the warmth and safety of your loving heart.
Source
INFJs, The Secret To Living A Better Life Is Using Extroverted Feeling
little less than two years ago I found out I have an INFJ personality. Up to that point, I always had self-identified as an INTP. My first reaction wasn’t great. “Are you telling me I’m just another female Feeler?!”
It took me awhile to wrap my mind around the idea that I had a whole new personality type to learn, explore, and make fit. However, this one was a natural fit. All the pieces of my life started falling into place. Why I loved being a massage therapist and felt such intense gratitude when I helped someone heal, and why I had always connected with people on a three-dimensional level.
On the surface, I embraced my new role as a Feeler and even became a bit of an emotional basket case for a few months. Suddenly I was feeling everything with nerves that weren’t used to it. I would cry at the drop of a hat. Fortunately, things evened out, and I became less… unstable.
But in reality, I was suffering from some pretty deep bias. I still gravitated toward Thinkers and considered Feelers… well, weak
and unstable. I didn’t trust them to play fair with me. The stereotypical Extroverted Feeler, in my mind, was neurotic and manipulative.
It didn’t take me long before I fell back into old patterns. All the while I was telling the rest of the world to exercise their Copilot function for personal growth. I still used Extroverted Feeling (called “Harmony ” in Personality Hacker’s system) while I was giving a massage, but I gave preference to “Accuracy” (Introverted Thinking) whenever a situation arose that was unfamiliar to me, or I was triggered by emotions.
I wasn’t aware of this continued tendency until I kept making embarrassing mistakes. I would let my 10-year-old Accuracy make a decision and end up regretting it – a lot. After a few of these errors, I told my husband, “I must be profoundly flawed. My decision maker is broken!”
But my decision maker wasn’t broken. I was just using the wrong one.
After speaking to a close friend, I realized I didn’t have any respect for Harmony. I viewed it as weak and reactionary. Whenever I would try to convince myself otherwise, all I needed to do was think of all the examples of neurotic females I encounter on Facebook and re-convince myself that Harmony was my least favorite cognitive function. So many Harmony users would write into Personality Hacker expressing giant boundary issues. It seemed like there was a lot of the INFJ to be taken advantage of. I didn’t think that was me.
My problem was the reverse. My boundaries were so thick nobody could ever dream of getting through. I kept everyone at a distance, and while I would let some people in, I always expected them to disappoint me in some way. So, nobody got to my deep inner core that could be injured so profoundly.
Harmony – The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
There are only two extroverted decision makers – “Harmony” (Extroverted Feeling) and “Effectiveness” (Extroverted Thinking). So, Effectiveness is the cousin of Harmony. Nobody can say that Effectiveness is a weak pushover. Just look at the Underwoods on House of Cards if you want a good example of how powerful Effectiveness can be.
Harmony has the same leadership abilities as Effectiveness. Instead of leading through structure, it leads through morale. Properly used, Harmony can be a kick-ass decision maker.
Harmony can also be incredibly empowering, believe it or not. It just requires that we trust it. When Harmony users are experiencing pain, it is usually due to mismanagement. Either someone thinks Harmony equates with doormat status. Or, like me, they find it only rears its ugly head after ignoring it in preference for another cognitive function that isn’t so warm and fuzzy (i.e. Accuracy).
Can you imagine every decision you make being the right decision? Where you feel confident every day because you trust your judgment? Imagine paralyzing anxiety fading away as you competently handle whatever life throws at you – and do it in a way that is beneficial for all concerned.
I am here to say that this is the kind of superpower that Harmony can bring when it is properly used, strengthened, and perfected. In such a guise, Harmony is not a thankless curse but a sophisticated tool. It reminds the world that we are all one family. We all need to share this planet, and it becomes less messy when we remember to consider the needs of others – in the grocery store, on the freeway, and in business. Harmony reminds us we can’t exploit each other. Everyone needs love, acceptance, and nurturing. These are the gifts a healthy Harmony user can bring to this world.
What Gifts Can a Healthy Harmony Copilot Bring?
1. Get regular exercise. All the cognitive functions in our car interact in various nuanced ways. The front seat passengers influence each other, as do the back seat passengers. The right side and left side of the car affect each other. And the introverted and extroverted functions influence one another. So Harmony is affected by our 3-year-old “Sensation.” (Extroverted Sensing) Keeping Sensation healthy and happy makes all of the passengers in the car happy, but it gives an extra zap of inspiration to Harmony. When INFJs are showing proper love to their mind and body, they can reflect that love to others. If INFJs are indulging their toddler with junk food and other harmful sensory stimuli, they don’t have enough resources to give unconditional love to the world.
I imagine myself as a vessel. Exercise keeps the vessel supple and adaptable. Neglecting our vessel will result in rigidity and excess until it can no longer hold all the contents, and everything comes spilling out. Unfortunately, it is hard for Sensation inferiors to maintain an exercise routine. Things easily get in the way and upset the schedule. A bad day will have us avoiding exercise and consuming entire bottles of wine. So, it is imperative for an INFJ to maintain consistent exercise. Walking, yoga, swimming, martial-arts, and jogging are all great ways for Intuition drivers to use their exercise as a time to engage with their Intuition. Love yourself, and love for the world will overflow.
2. When you feel the need to reach out and help someone, go ahead and do it. Don’t sit back analyzing how someone will respond to your overtures or the opportunity will pass. Engage the elderly man or woman on the park bench in conversation and listen to their wisdom. Spend some time volunteering at your local charity or soup kitchen, or offer your services for free to disadvantaged people. Never stop looking for opportunities to help others. It feeds the soul of the Harmony user.
3. Set boundaries and maintain them. Make sure the people in your life have a clear idea of what is, and is not, okay.
4. Don’t become a doormat. Don’t ignore your needs in preference for everyone else’s needs.
5. When you are triggered, walk away, turn off Facebook, and button your lips. Because triggering emotions can launch us into our 10-year-old, all sorts of highly accurate stuff may come out. It may even honestly represent how you feel, but if it doesn’t take into consideration the feelings of others, you will likely regret your harsh words. (When I say walk away, I don’t mean spend the next 10 minutes stewing until you formulate the perfect response. I mean wait until you have stopped stewing, which may take days. But it also takes days — or even weeks — to recover from the guilt that comes with poorly chosen words.)
6. Make sure you are practicing Harmony first and foremost with yourself.Learn to say no if you don’t want to do something. I screen all my phone calls so I can think my response through before I give someone a reply. If I don’t feel up to giving someone a massage or going out for coffee, I will send a quick text to the caller. Text allows me to get out the facts without pressuring myself to say yes. I am very unapologetic about the fact that I don’t like phone calls. “I’m an introvert. I hate talking on the phone,” is my standard MO.
7. Spend time in quiet contemplation, meditation, and self-reflection.Introverted Intuition (called “Perspectives” in the Personality Hacker system) needs quiet to function at peak capacity. If you don’t give it the time it needs to reflect, it may take that time from your sleep cycle, and you will find yourself tossing and turning with a thousand thoughts rolling around your head. A relaxed focusing of the mind strengthens the spirit. A strong, bright spirit keeps us free from dis-ease and strengthens our Intuition. Couple this with regular exercise and proper nutrition, and emotions will harmonize naturally. Self-respect will grow as we begin to treat our bodies and minds with the same respect we expect from others.
An INFJ who has mastered the art of Harmony and made it their chief decision maker will be transformed. The social anxiety will be gone because the INFJ has gained mastery over their mind, body, and tongue. The neurotic tendency to obsess about everything is gone because they no longer expect perfection of themselves or others. The exhaustion that comes from not maintaining boundaries is replaced by endless amounts of energy because they are giving their own physical and mental health priority.
An INFJ can be their best friend or most vile critic. The key is to stop approaching life from a defensive perspective. Stop reacting to the energies and circumstances that surround you. Instead of being a thermometer that only reads and mirrors the temperature of others, be the thermostat. The thermostat controls the temperature of the room. Harmony gives its users the ability to control their reactions and also manage the reactions of others. That is why so many Harmony users are diplomats and therapists. Harmony is the secret weapon of the INFJ. It is the gift we bring to the world. Taking the time and effort required to perfect this process will make our lives easier, and open doorways we never thought possible.
This article was originally published on Personality Hacker. It is republished here with permission from the author.
little less than two years ago I found out I have an INFJ personality. Up to that point, I always had self-identified as an INTP. My first reaction wasn’t great. “Are you telling me I’m just another female Feeler?!”
It took me awhile to wrap my mind around the idea that I had a whole new personality type to learn, explore, and make fit. However, this one was a natural fit. All the pieces of my life started falling into place. Why I loved being a massage therapist and felt such intense gratitude when I helped someone heal, and why I had always connected with people on a three-dimensional level.
On the surface, I embraced my new role as a Feeler and even became a bit of an emotional basket case for a few months. Suddenly I was feeling everything with nerves that weren’t used to it. I would cry at the drop of a hat. Fortunately, things evened out, and I became less… unstable.
But in reality, I was suffering from some pretty deep bias. I still gravitated toward Thinkers and considered Feelers… well, weak
and unstable. I didn’t trust them to play fair with me. The stereotypical Extroverted Feeler, in my mind, was neurotic and manipulative.
It didn’t take me long before I fell back into old patterns. All the while I was telling the rest of the world to exercise their Copilot function for personal growth. I still used Extroverted Feeling (called “Harmony ” in Personality Hacker’s system) while I was giving a massage, but I gave preference to “Accuracy” (Introverted Thinking) whenever a situation arose that was unfamiliar to me, or I was triggered by emotions.
I wasn’t aware of this continued tendency until I kept making embarrassing mistakes. I would let my 10-year-old Accuracy make a decision and end up regretting it – a lot. After a few of these errors, I told my husband, “I must be profoundly flawed. My decision maker is broken!”
But my decision maker wasn’t broken. I was just using the wrong one.
After speaking to a close friend, I realized I didn’t have any respect for Harmony. I viewed it as weak and reactionary. Whenever I would try to convince myself otherwise, all I needed to do was think of all the examples of neurotic females I encounter on Facebook and re-convince myself that Harmony was my least favorite cognitive function. So many Harmony users would write into Personality Hacker expressing giant boundary issues. It seemed like there was a lot of the INFJ to be taken advantage of. I didn’t think that was me.
My problem was the reverse. My boundaries were so thick nobody could ever dream of getting through. I kept everyone at a distance, and while I would let some people in, I always expected them to disappoint me in some way. So, nobody got to my deep inner core that could be injured so profoundly.
Harmony – The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
There are only two extroverted decision makers – “Harmony” (Extroverted Feeling) and “Effectiveness” (Extroverted Thinking). So, Effectiveness is the cousin of Harmony. Nobody can say that Effectiveness is a weak pushover. Just look at the Underwoods on House of Cards if you want a good example of how powerful Effectiveness can be.
Harmony has the same leadership abilities as Effectiveness. Instead of leading through structure, it leads through morale. Properly used, Harmony can be a kick-ass decision maker.
Harmony can also be incredibly empowering, believe it or not. It just requires that we trust it. When Harmony users are experiencing pain, it is usually due to mismanagement. Either someone thinks Harmony equates with doormat status. Or, like me, they find it only rears its ugly head after ignoring it in preference for another cognitive function that isn’t so warm and fuzzy (i.e. Accuracy).
Can you imagine every decision you make being the right decision? Where you feel confident every day because you trust your judgment? Imagine paralyzing anxiety fading away as you competently handle whatever life throws at you – and do it in a way that is beneficial for all concerned.
I am here to say that this is the kind of superpower that Harmony can bring when it is properly used, strengthened, and perfected. In such a guise, Harmony is not a thankless curse but a sophisticated tool. It reminds the world that we are all one family. We all need to share this planet, and it becomes less messy when we remember to consider the needs of others – in the grocery store, on the freeway, and in business. Harmony reminds us we can’t exploit each other. Everyone needs love, acceptance, and nurturing. These are the gifts a healthy Harmony user can bring to this world.
What Gifts Can a Healthy Harmony Copilot Bring?
- Profound understanding of the people around you. As I mentioned above, people become three-dimensional as you innately understand what drives them and what needs may be going unmet at any given time.
- Profound compassion for others – even total strangers. Aged men always pull my heart strings. I see them as they once were. I see the wisdom in their eyes. I imagine that I see and experience what they have seen and experienced. And I understand the disappointment they feel to have their body breaking down. They are no longer as strong and capable as they always were. And yet so many of them smile and reach out to anyone willing to take their hand. They still have a strong desire to be valued and seen. I never see an old man that I don’t want to hug.
- An instinctive understanding of social rules and obligations. ENFJs can do this more naturally than INFJs. If an INFJ has not developed their Harmony copilot, they may find themselves the exact opposite of socially eloquent. INFJs, who use their 10-year-old as a decision maker, will usually realize they have made a social faux pas only after they register the public social reproof, which is what makes being an INFJ so painful at times. They have the full knowledge of how much they have screwed up without the foreknowledge of how to avoid it. Strengthening Harmony and recognizing when it is making the decision as opposed to Accuracy is the best way to prevent social censure. Also, INFJs need to take the time to make a decision in the right way. Introverted Feeling is said to be the slowest decision maker. Well, I think Extroverted Feeling is a close second. It takes time to gauge the responses of those involved and predict how our choices will impact everyone – including ourselves. If an INFJ is pushed to make a quick decision, they will likely go to their 10-year-old because it is a faster decision maker and gives the impression of complete confidence. I am reminded of the saying, “Marry in haste and repent at leisure.” For INFJs, we could say, “Decide in haste and repent at leisure.”
1. Get regular exercise. All the cognitive functions in our car interact in various nuanced ways. The front seat passengers influence each other, as do the back seat passengers. The right side and left side of the car affect each other. And the introverted and extroverted functions influence one another. So Harmony is affected by our 3-year-old “Sensation.” (Extroverted Sensing) Keeping Sensation healthy and happy makes all of the passengers in the car happy, but it gives an extra zap of inspiration to Harmony. When INFJs are showing proper love to their mind and body, they can reflect that love to others. If INFJs are indulging their toddler with junk food and other harmful sensory stimuli, they don’t have enough resources to give unconditional love to the world.
I imagine myself as a vessel. Exercise keeps the vessel supple and adaptable. Neglecting our vessel will result in rigidity and excess until it can no longer hold all the contents, and everything comes spilling out. Unfortunately, it is hard for Sensation inferiors to maintain an exercise routine. Things easily get in the way and upset the schedule. A bad day will have us avoiding exercise and consuming entire bottles of wine. So, it is imperative for an INFJ to maintain consistent exercise. Walking, yoga, swimming, martial-arts, and jogging are all great ways for Intuition drivers to use their exercise as a time to engage with their Intuition. Love yourself, and love for the world will overflow.
2. When you feel the need to reach out and help someone, go ahead and do it. Don’t sit back analyzing how someone will respond to your overtures or the opportunity will pass. Engage the elderly man or woman on the park bench in conversation and listen to their wisdom. Spend some time volunteering at your local charity or soup kitchen, or offer your services for free to disadvantaged people. Never stop looking for opportunities to help others. It feeds the soul of the Harmony user.
3. Set boundaries and maintain them. Make sure the people in your life have a clear idea of what is, and is not, okay.
4. Don’t become a doormat. Don’t ignore your needs in preference for everyone else’s needs.
5. When you are triggered, walk away, turn off Facebook, and button your lips. Because triggering emotions can launch us into our 10-year-old, all sorts of highly accurate stuff may come out. It may even honestly represent how you feel, but if it doesn’t take into consideration the feelings of others, you will likely regret your harsh words. (When I say walk away, I don’t mean spend the next 10 minutes stewing until you formulate the perfect response. I mean wait until you have stopped stewing, which may take days. But it also takes days — or even weeks — to recover from the guilt that comes with poorly chosen words.)
6. Make sure you are practicing Harmony first and foremost with yourself.Learn to say no if you don’t want to do something. I screen all my phone calls so I can think my response through before I give someone a reply. If I don’t feel up to giving someone a massage or going out for coffee, I will send a quick text to the caller. Text allows me to get out the facts without pressuring myself to say yes. I am very unapologetic about the fact that I don’t like phone calls. “I’m an introvert. I hate talking on the phone,” is my standard MO.
7. Spend time in quiet contemplation, meditation, and self-reflection.Introverted Intuition (called “Perspectives” in the Personality Hacker system) needs quiet to function at peak capacity. If you don’t give it the time it needs to reflect, it may take that time from your sleep cycle, and you will find yourself tossing and turning with a thousand thoughts rolling around your head. A relaxed focusing of the mind strengthens the spirit. A strong, bright spirit keeps us free from dis-ease and strengthens our Intuition. Couple this with regular exercise and proper nutrition, and emotions will harmonize naturally. Self-respect will grow as we begin to treat our bodies and minds with the same respect we expect from others.
An INFJ who has mastered the art of Harmony and made it their chief decision maker will be transformed. The social anxiety will be gone because the INFJ has gained mastery over their mind, body, and tongue. The neurotic tendency to obsess about everything is gone because they no longer expect perfection of themselves or others. The exhaustion that comes from not maintaining boundaries is replaced by endless amounts of energy because they are giving their own physical and mental health priority.
An INFJ can be their best friend or most vile critic. The key is to stop approaching life from a defensive perspective. Stop reacting to the energies and circumstances that surround you. Instead of being a thermometer that only reads and mirrors the temperature of others, be the thermostat. The thermostat controls the temperature of the room. Harmony gives its users the ability to control their reactions and also manage the reactions of others. That is why so many Harmony users are diplomats and therapists. Harmony is the secret weapon of the INFJ. It is the gift we bring to the world. Taking the time and effort required to perfect this process will make our lives easier, and open doorways we never thought possible.
This article was originally published on Personality Hacker. It is republished here with permission from the author.
Last edited: