Dealing with roommates

[Blind Bandit]

So I don't know where this goes. But being as it hinges on my personality type in relation to others I think it should be ok here.


Warning complaining ahead.

So long story some what short. I live with three other people. One introvert, another extrovert and one really extroverted person. So as you might guess I struggle with this situation. I've so fair come to the conclusion that I would prefer living by myself or with introverts. I just like doing what I please when and how. But due to money lacking and other issues. i'm going to have to deal with this right now.

I struggle to be understood I don't feel like I or the other introverted roomate are being treated fairly. The to Extroverted people are couple and it seems if helping you doesn't benefit them they won't help. T There is way to much drama for me. Passive aggressive tendencies and childish BS.

For example we had a quick chat tonight as I broke a shower fixture by accident today. I think it was already on its way out*it was disconnecting from the wall* and I didn't mention it today partly because I was distracted by other issues and the shower still worked. Its one of those hand held ones. And the bracket that held the showr handle up cracked. So anyway one of my roomates says she payed 60 bucks *what a rip off for something no one uses, we would be fine with just a fixed shower head* and we are going to have to pay back. Now mind you this was accident. So then I and my other roommates get the this is part of being an adult speech in regards to coming and talking to others. Now I try very hard to own up to my mistakes as they happen but I'm a little frazzled this week. And as happens sometimes I let it slide. I tend to think and my I roommate agrees that two Es treat us as children. And long and behold I got pissed. I can't stand people telling me how to be an adult. I'm 23 and I know how to be who I am. For some reason they just tend to bring out my angry side and its hard to speak to them on logical and claim terms. I feel this steams from the fact they the *the E couple* wanting to have their own house and treating the house as such. Even thought they have roommates. I also wonder if we are more than just a part of the rent? They are freinds too its just I don't sense a lot of respect from them for us.

I know there is also a general personality barrier as well. For example if I don't thank them *the E's* for whatever it is they get offended. But for me I don't say thank you unless, 1. I mean it 2. I don't feel forced to do so. Myself and the other introvert talked about this as well. And the need for our E roommates to schedule everything to their needs. Where as we would simply do something when we felt it needed done. Dishes, taking the trash out ect. I know I don't respond to demands that I do something. If I feel something needs done I will do it.

So in in closing its one big big mess. And I have no solutions for this problem. My plans to move in with 1 or 2 other introverted friends fell through. My visual impairment and my need to be close to bus lines really screws me.

Again I think I just am one of those people who needs to live alone.

Well I don't think I made in any headway here but maybe someone else can shed some light on my sad little plight.

 

[Satya]

You are sure this is a personality thing, and not just a difference in maturity?

It doesn't sound to me like you care very much about the relationship you have with your roommates. As you describe it, it sounds more like a hindrance to you than a positive thing. Of course it also doesn't seem like your roommates value their relationship with you.

It seems pretty clear that you have already made up your mind. Rather than putting in the effort to be accommodating to your roommates extroverted behavior, you would prefer to live alone or with people more like you.

As I don't know the specifics about your situation, it wouldn't be fair of me to judge whether or not that is the correct decision. Some relationships are just not worth the effort if neither side is willing to budge in how they relate to the other. Can you relate to extraverts in other situations?

I'm a big advocate for communication in these kind of situations. I think if you approached them assertively and explained how their actions make you feel, then you might be able to meet each other half way. That doesn't mean going and accusing them, but using the good ol' "I" statements such as....

"I felt angry and upset when spoke down to me after I accidentally broke the shower head and I would appreciate it if you would treat me like an adult."

 

[Blind Bandit]

You are sure this is a personality thing, and not just a difference in maturity?

It doesn't sound to me like you care very much about the relationship you have with your roommates. As you describe it, it sounds more like a hindrance to you than a positive thing. Of course it also doesn't seem like your roommates value their relationship with you.

It seems pretty clear that you have already made up your mind. Rather than putting in the effort to be accommodating to your roommates extroverted behavior, you would prefer to live alone or with people more like you.

As I don't know the specifics about your situation, it wouldn't be fair of me to judge whether or not that is the correct decision. Some relationships are just not worth the effort if neither side is willing to budge in how they relate to the other. Can you relate to extraverts in other situations?

I'm a big advocate for communication in these kind of situations. I think if you approached them assertively and explained how their actions make you feel, then you might be able to meet each other half way. That doesn't mean going and accusing them, but using the good ol' "I" statements such as....

"I felt angry and upset when spoke down to me after I accidentally broke the shower head and I would appreciate it if you would treat me like an adult."

I'm not unwilling to work with them. I value them for what I have with them. But I have little patience for drama and petty childish issues.

I don't not need this amount of drama in the one place I'm supposed to be able to feel safe and relaxed.

There are positives, they are good people.

I'm not unwilling to live with Extroverted people. My mom was an extrovert. \

I understand where they are coming from to a degree I don't like it or always agree with it but I can understand it.

The indecent is not the first issue I've had. This may more of a general issue than just personality.

 

[IndigoSensor]

That really does suck . I am not sure if it would work, but you should let them know how you feel more often. Keeping these things bottled inward leads to more problems. I understand this is much easier said then done. I mean, I still have trouble with it myself.

I have had a very horrible roommate situation before. Last year (freshmen year of college), the roommate I had was deplorable. He wasn't mean, but he had the social skills of a soapdish. Being an introvert myself, and knowing how it can be hard to socialize, I sympthatized with him, but that quickly left the room. He put no effort at all into forming friendships, and was so so akward to be around. The fact that no one on my floor liked him after a few months proved to me, that it wasnt just me. When he did try to socialize (which was extremely fleeting), he would stand in a room with a bunch of us, and say nothing. If we tried to include him in the game, talk, ect. He would akwardly talk, or respond with terminal answers. It was like he was as deep as a puddle. I also figured out he was passive agressive, and had no compassion for others. He would play video games all hours of the day, and never go to class. Even while I tried to sleep. There were several times where I said "please turn that off, I can't sleep". I got no response. So I got up, turns off the tv and said "sheesh, did you not hear me? I need to go to bed". I mean it was like 3am on a school night and I had 9am classes. I go back to bed and he turns it on without speaking. He never spoke to me, ever. Even in the beginning when I tried to form a relationship. The icing on the cake is he would NEVER shower. He would go weeks at a time.

So yeah, I feel for ya.

 

[arbygil]

Wow, Indigo...sounds like your former roommate might have been autistic - Asperger's, maybe?

But I understand what you're saying, BB. It's extremely difficult to deal with pettiness and often times roommates will act out the way they've been taught at home. And as you know, no two homes are ever the same. I agree with Satya, though: It's probably a good idea to talk with each of them as individuals and tell them how you feel. The other thing is, if something in the house is loose and *almost* breaking, it's probably a good idea to bring up the, "we have to fix it/buy a new one/talk to the landlord" talk ahead of time, and decide what will be done in advance.

It's never easy to speak with roommates you don't like. But it's better to leave on positive terms, too.

 

[Blind Bandit]

That really does suck . I am not sure if it would work, but you should let them know how you feel more often. Keeping these things bottled inward leads to more problems. I understand this is much easier said then done. I mean, I still have trouble with it myself.

I have had a very horrible roommate situation before. Last year (freshmen year of college), the roommate I had was deplorable. He wasn't mean, but he had the social skills of a soapdish. Being an introvert myself, and knowing how it can be hard to socialize, I sympthatized with him, but that quickly left the room. He put no effort at all into forming friendships, and was so so akward to be around. The fact that no one on my floor liked him after a few months proved to me, that it wasnt just me. When he did try to socialize (which was extremely fleeting), he would stand in a room with a bunch of us, and say nothing. If we tried to include him in the game, talk, ect. He would akwardly talk, or respond with terminal answers. It was like he was as deep as a puddle. I also figured out he was passive agressive, and had no compassion for others. He would play video games all hours of the day, and never go to class. Even while I tried to sleep. There were several times where I said "please turn that off, I can't sleep". I got no response. So I got up, turns off the tv and said "sheesh, did you not hear me? I need to go to bed". I mean it was like 3am on a school night and I had 9am classes. I go back to bed and he turns it on without speaking. He never spoke to me, ever. Even in the beginning when I tried to form a relationship. The icing on the cake is he would NEVER shower. He would go weeks at a time.

So yeah, I feel for ya.

Wow ya that sounds worse than my situation.

Off topic a bit. But I've found it easier to socialize with others now ore than I once did. At school its becoming a lot easier to talk to folks.

Its still not as easy as I would like it to be.

I don't know where that bit came from but its something I've been feeling lately.

Wow, Indigo...sounds like your former roommate might have been autistic - Asperger's, maybe?

That seems possible. I don't have too much experience, but it may explain some of the behaviors.

But I understand what you're saying, BB. It's extremely difficult to deal with pettiness and often times roommates will act out the way they've been taught at home. And as you know, no two homes are ever the same. I agree with Satya, though: It's probably a good idea to talk with each of them as individuals and tell them how you feel. The other thing is, if something in the house is loose and *almost* breaking, it's probably a good idea to bring up the, "we have to fix it/buy a new one/talk to the landlord" talk ahead of time, and decide what will be done in advance.

Agreed I'm not saying I wasn't wrong. I just feel it was not as big of a deal as they wanted to make it out to be. I know this week has worn me out and when that happens I'm less able to keep focus
on the day to day issues. (I'm working on that) But its the reality.

I will try talking to them about it more. I do feel they don't seem to understand me. I guess I'll just keep trying to explain to them.

It's never easy to speak with roommates you don't like. But it's better to leave on positive terms, too.

Agreed, as of right now I can't move. But I will be looking out at other options.

I know that no roommate situation will ever be perfect but from what I've seen it should be better than this.

 

[IndigoSensor]

Wow, Indigo...sounds like your former roommate might have been autistic - Asperger's, maybe?

It is possible. I talked about that with a few friends. The thing is though, he was rather vocals when he played halo on his xbox into the microphone thingy with other people online, so that sort of removed that theory. That is how I learned that he had no compassion, and was rather ingorant.

Oh well. It is in the past

 

[arbygil]

Oh, you can definitely be vocal and autistic. And folks with mild to moderate Aspergers can pretty much seem like everyone else until they get in a social setting. From your description, it sounds like he had moderate to severe Aspergers, and he was locked in his own mind.

I'm sorry you had to try balancing your life with his - it can be very difficult! But it's in the past, as you said.

:grouphug:!

 

[Lynx]

I'm not sure how much light I can shed on much of anything... However, having been to college, and being out of college... having lived with girls, guys, introverts, extroverts... pretty much all of it I will tell you this...
Living with ANYONE is difficult.
I secluded myself a lot when it was possible - even though I really liked my roommates. A chair in our living room was Mine. No one sat there. No one bothered me when I sat there. It was sorta interesting. I don't know how the figured out that I wanted to be left alone but they did. I guess i had pretty good roommates.

The other Introvert I lived with and I seemed like we hated each other because we never talked. But we "got" one another and really did quite well together.

Like I said, that probably doesn't help anything but there's my piece on it. hehehe

 

[alcyone]

Well, you didn't provide much information regarding how the lease is run. I.E. Are all of you on the lease, do each of you have a separate lease with your landlord, etc?

Considering that there are 4 of you that is a lot of independent people in one place.

In this situation since the casual approach isn't working well I think you and your other introvert roommate need to sit down with the couple and all of you need to hash out a rules and responsibilities contract.

You all need to contribute to the housework, the repairs, etc. Over and above the monetary aspect involved in renting and living with roommates.

Your lassiez faire attitude towards necessary [i b]chores[/i b] is not only irritating to your other roomates but it could be unsanitary as well. I'd prefer to do dishes and stuff at my leisure as well, however these warm climates are very friendly to house pests like ants, roaches, mice, etc. Therefore kitchen and bathroom cleaning is essential.

I was on the other side of your little situation back in my dorm-days in the military. I got a roommate who was a slob. I got ants in my second story dorm room and IN my bed because she would eat up on her bunk then wipe her crumbs behind the bed, and leave food crap everywhere. One day I found about a few thousand ants feasting on a candy bar she left under my bed. The bathroom and vanity and fridge only got cleaned when I did it. Hell, the entire room only got clean when I did it. One day I got home after room and couldn't WALK in my room because her TMO came in and she spread her stuff ALL over the floor! I was furious and called my supervisor and first shirt to the room for them to see. After a week all her crap was still all over the floor so I piled all of it up before leaving for work with a note that if she didn't put it away by the time I got back I was going to box it up and put it into storage myself (not to mention re-involve my chain of command since they told me that if it wasn't resolved she would be getting into trouble). She even had the balls to call me on leave (my vacation) and ask me what to do for the upcoming room inspections that were happening. I told her I don't give a shit because whatever happens I'm on leave and I won't be the one getting into trouble.

What all of you need to do is sit down and put stuff into writing. Spell out what everyone is responsible for, when things should be accomplished etc. Dry eraser boards are wonderful things and are great ways to put up messages and reminders to the entire group....i.e.... 'Someone pick up TP on the next grocery run'..... or 'Don't forget to put out the trash' or 'Bills due by firday!'

This lack of communication is going to land you into trouble at some point, better to nip it in the bud than let your ill feelings fester.

 

[Blind Bandit]

Well, you didn't provide much information regarding how the lease is run. I.E. Are all of you on the lease, do each of you have a separate lease with your landlord, etc?

Its month to month

Considering that there are 4 of you that is a lot of independent people in one place.

Agreed

In this situation since the casual approach isn't working well I think you and your other introvert roommate need to sit down with the couple and all of you need to hash out a rules and responsibilities contract.

I've thought about bringing this up. But I don't see this ending well or doing good.

I'm going to keep thinking about it thought.

You all need to contribute to the housework, the repairs, etc. Over and above the monetary aspect involved in renting and living with roommates.

Agreed

Your lassiez faire attitude towards necessary [i b]chores[/i b] is not only irritating to your other roomates but it could be unsanitary as well. I'd prefer to do dishes and stuff at my leisure as well, however these warm climates are very friendly to house pests like ants, roaches, mice, etc. Therefore kitchen and bathroom cleaning is essential.

I just want to clear this up. I do my part and I get it done usually in a timely manner. My attitude is not the problem. Yes I may not do dishes right at this time but they are more often then not done. I do something when I notice its wrong.

I

was on the other side of your little situation back in my dorm-days in the military. I got a roommate who was a slob. I got ants in my second story dorm room and IN my bed because she would eat up on her bunk then wipe her crumbs behind the bed, and leave food crap everywhere. One day I found about a few thousand ants feasting on a candy bar she left under my bed. The bathroom and vanity and fridge only got cleaned when I did it. Hell, the entire room only got clean when I did it. One day I got home after room and couldn't WALK in my room because her TMO came in and she spread her stuff ALL over the floor! I was furious and called my supervisor and first shirt to the room for them to see. After a week all her crap was still all over the floor so I piled all of it up before leaving for work with a note that if she didn't put it away by the time I got back I was going to box it up and put it into storage myself (not to mention re-involve my chain of command since they told me that if it wasn't resolved she would be getting into trouble). She even had the balls to call me on leave (my vacation) and ask me what to do for the upcoming room inspections that were happening. I told her I don't give a shit because whatever happens I'm on leave and I won't be the one getting into trouble.

What all of you need to do is sit down and put stuff into writing. Spell out what everyone is responsible for, when things should be accomplished etc. Dry eraser boards are wonderful things and are great ways to put up messages and reminders to the entire group....i.e.... 'Someone pick up TP on the next grocery run'..... or 'Don't forget to put out the trash' or 'Bills due by firday!'

I may be a slob but I do my part and I don't let my mess go past my room.

This lack of communication is going to land you into trouble at some point, better to nip it in the bud than let your ill feelings fester.

Easier said then done. It like talking to a brick wall with them.

I do think part of the problem is besides my stubornness. The wife enable the husband to not do much. This makes me rather angry as he has no right tell me that I'm not pulling my weight.

I don't mind pulling my weight but I don't talke be treated like like a child or a jerk well.

I'm doing my best but they tend to well not get what I'm trying to say.

So I'll just keep trying until either I can't do it anymore or they wise up a bit.