Dealing with disappointment

[Satya]

I found out last evening that two people were chosen over me for a job I had wanted for about 6 months. It was made worse by the fact that the people who were deciding who would get the job were a couple of my friends and they both knew I was interested in the position. I'm not disappointed so much about not getting the position as that they didn't tell me they had chosen those two people until I asked about the job at a public gathering. It was incredibly embarrassing and disappointing to find out in such a way and to say I was floored would be an understatement. It really tore me up inside because it simply made me feel like I wasn't even worth spit. I later got a hold of one of them this morning and he told me that he had been afraid that I would hate him because they hadn't chosen me for the position and he finally explained their reasoning for why they had chosen the two people over me. I actually lost a night of sleep over all this because I was so disappointed and worried by the fact that they hadn't even explained why they hadn't chosen me but now I finally have a little relief in the fact that they did have a valid reason. Had they told me a few nights earlier in private it probably wouldn't have even bothered me because as much as I had wanted the job, it was nowhere near as valuable to me as their friendships. And to be honest, after this experience, I don't know if I would even want to work with close friends.

I'm still dealing with the disappointment from the whole situation, so I thought it would make an interesting thread. How do you deal with disappointment?

 

[Black Swan]

So sorry to hear about that, I hope you're able to maintain your friendships, although I am curious to know why you asked at a public gathering, I mean, there was always the possibility of not getting it right?

Disappointment. Well, I analyze every inch of the situation and then read even further between the lines, and if there aren't lines to read between, I'll create some. I'll scrutinize myself and everyone involved. Then after deep reflection, I try to see how this disappointment works for my life and I just try to trust that things happen for a reason. I have to believe that whatever I had planned or hoped for just wasn't the right time and that it was no accident that it didn't come to fruitition. (Though many of my friends would say that belief is a cop-out). Then I tend to sleep it off. I'm not sure if that's healthy, but I almost always feel better after I get a few good nights of sleep and a week or so has passed. Hope you feel better soon.

 

[acd]

Figure, I did the best I could and the situation is out of my hands.. then begin formulating new goals immediately.. or, if I didn't do my best.. use it as incentive in my next goal or plan of action.. which is also formulated immediately.. I don't give myself much time to dwell on disappointment. If I thought about it too much, I'd not accomplish or finish much of anything. Plus I figure that if I fail at something or miss some opportunity, well the world is full of opportunities, and I focus on those. I try to be as resilient as possible when it comes to disappointment.

 

[Pristinegirl]

Big word for me. I cannot stand to make people disappointed or well the thought of it at least. I become dissapointed when it comes to school most of all, thinking everyone hates me and that I am a weak victim when I don't get the best grades of my class, which is most of the times.

Furthermore I feel as if no one is proud me, like no one loves me and no one sees me, therefore it totally brings my motivation down.

- I acknowledge my problem however and it is very disturbing observing this; that I view proudness and attention towards me alltogether as associated with being loved.

 

[v.shadow]

simmilar thing happened to my mom some months ago (she had been waiting to be transfered to a better place with other "friends", but in the end they chose an inexperienced one --my mom had been working for the company for 15 years or so, and the one they picked had only been working for 6 months and honestly didn't deserve it. everyone knows they picked him only cause he was friend of the boss. besides, she found out her "friends" had been saying things about her just to get her out of the list)

I become dissapointed with people easily, so now it doesn't bother me that much. on the other side, I HATE to dissapoint people.

 

[KingOfSpades]

I don't handle disappointment well. Sometimes I even get physically ill -- as if my immune system shuts down and then I'll catch some nasty bug or something. That happened a few months back on account of some really bad news I got at work (which could have been a lot worse in hindsight -- economy related, etc.)

For me disappointment is an emotional response that comes about when something I really wanted to happen doesn't. It's like the sound of tires when they are trying to struggle against mud. You keep gunning on the gas and the car doesn't move. That image, but with a coarser, drier senstation (mud is wet), like sandpaper. That's how I feel about disappointment.

Dealing with it -- I guess I just take it as a learning experience. My expectations didn't mesh with reality. It's a lesson for me to focus on my expectations, and why I have them, and what I can do to reach them in a more realistic manner. I kind of feel like that is what unrequited love is as well (although there are some differences too)

I hate disappointing people a well for some reason -- or at least people who matter to me (typically my bosses). But it bothers me to disappoint strangers as well.

 

[Pristinegirl]

For me disappointment is an emotional response that comes about when something I really wanted to happen doesn't. It's like the sound of tires when they are trying to struggle against mud. You keep gunning on the gas and the car doesn't move. That image, but with a coarser, drier senstation (mud is wet), like sandpaper. That's how I feel about disappointment.

DITTO to all of this!! These are exactly what I go through! =) well described.

 

[sumone]

Oh man satya, I'm so sorry that happened to you. ugh Your friends should have called you and explained it all to you right away. How cowardly of them to make you wait.
When hit with a huge disappointment I usually brood quite a bit and then try to find a healthy way to release the negative emotions.
My best advice I think would be to not overthink it and avoid giving it too much of your headspace.

 

[Eeyore]

I have been disappointed about many things. I have been told that the reason why I feel disappointed is I care too much, have too high expectations of myself and others. So I think to overcome disappointment is to not be too harsh on myself and others.

Satya, I am sorry to hear about what happened. Some people just don't see or appreciate what we see or appreciate. But the same can apply to us too. Evaluations are never totally objective, there is always subjective bias. The bosses' opinions are not the gold standard, however much they think they are. You may agree with some but not all of their compliments and criticisms. Know that you have done good work and feel good about it. Don't be too hard on yourself. If there is truth in other people's criticisms, then it's positive realization which is a good thing. If your friends truly have good reasons to believe that the job is not suitable for you at the present time, or somehow believe that you may end up not liking the job if you get it, then not getting it may not necessarily be a loss. But if you have done damn good work and people cannot see it and appreciate it, then it's their problem, their blindness. If it's the latter, I'll probably not consider them friends, just some people who cannot see their own flaws and admit fault. Uh oh, here I go again, I gotta stop being too harsh on myself and others.... Anyway, I hope you will be able to get over the disappointment and continue to do excellent work like you always have!

 

[Naxx]

You didn't state the reason why they didn't pick you Satya. It's hard to give you anything other than the usual small talk without that.