Dating to long term or marrying

[Gaze]

So, what are your thoughts on what it means to move from dating someone to wanting a long term commitment and even marrying them based on how we view these relationships today? Have your values or feelings changed about what qualities make a difference when choosing someone you would like to move from casual to serious?

 

[MrSquared]

I. What does that progression mean?

Well... When two people embark on such a journey. I'd say that both should be equally invested in and/or serious about the goals and standards relating to that particular stage of the relationship. Could be anything. Such as when moving from a more social "get to know you" dating scenario to a more serious "long-term" dating scenario... Both individuals ought to recognize the potential for spouse-hood and yet (still) be continually questioning, observing, and interacting with the other (in order to determine if they would actually enjoy and be able to withstand such a union). #implications


II. What qualities make a difference when choosing someone you'd like to move from casual to serious with?

Well... That's a personal question. But for me I feel like it's all about hope. Does this particular relationship have any hope whatsoever? What is the purpose of my being in this relationship? Are we both considering spouse-hood? And if so... Is there a clear, foreseeable path that is reasonable in the eyes of God and each person? Also... The personal stuff. Is this what you want? And I mean REALLY want out of a serious partner?

 

[Scientia]

So, what are your thoughts on what it means to move from dating someone to wanting a long term commitment and even marrying them based on how we view these relationships today?

What it means? I think it means nothing much to most people today. Divorce is commonplace (says the divorced lady). To me, it would mean I have found someone who fits everything I am looking for in both a friend and partner. Someone physically, emotionally and intellectually stimulating. It means that I have met Hugh Jackman.

Have your values or feelings changed about what qualities make a difference when choosing someone you would like to move from casual to serious?

I didn't know the difference between love and trying to save someone when I was younger. Yes, I want my next partner to be decidedly less damaged than I am. I want a love, not a project. I am never just casual. If you are on my mind as a romantic prospect, it's a rare thing and man, you will know.

 

[DareToFly]

I have always dated with the end goal of marriage, and ended things immediately when I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with that person. I am not one to waste time in a relationship and string the guy along casually. If I'm with him, then I see a future with him. Usually I know within the first six months of a relationship. That might seem fast, but I've always known what I needed. It's just taken me several relationships to find someone I feel like I could actually be happy with long-term. I am wired in such a way that I am always looking for a commitment and when I see that a relationship isn't headed in that direction or find out he doesn't feel the same way, I generally lose interest. Because casual relationships are not fulfilling to me. Family is also really important to me, and starting my own is one of my top goals.

 

[highlighter]

This will be my most jaded post ever...in the history of everything....

I will address this first in 2 manners,
as INFjs i think that we are simply not suited for modern marriage. perhaps in a different age in the past or a future one but in this day and age, i say no. the premise is that modern marriages are built on something that "works" i dont know about you all I DONT want something that works. I want my soulmate....with regard to making something "work" hell I can do that with anyone, is that not what we do at work? we play nice so HR doesnt fire us, we make it work....make it work is not love. make it work sucks. maybe its cause we KNOW better now, maybe its cause of romanticism as a movement, maybe its cause we LIVE LONGER now.....IDK but marriage today is harder than ever. And I believe this is a major issue for INFJs who give and give and never give up.
I do not believe this is so much an issue for the S types of the world....they either cheat or get cheated on and they either make it work and forgive or just get divorce, either way as sensors i think they are able to deal with this and thrive. but for INFJs we statically experience the most martial dissatisfaction because of our soulmate issues, and our idealist hardcore romantic notions. All this adds up to being disappointed and reaching a day in marriage where we want out but are unable to do so due to how much we give and can endure....its a bad combo in this era. Marriage is for the most part dead, dating is dead, there is no longer any morality to hold us to these older concepts, so why should we engage in this endeavor?


now the more jaded part.
regardless of type, this is for all Men. as middle age male, and someone who has "survived" narcissistic abuse...my advice to all young men in general as a whole is to avoid marriage all together in any and all forms...this includes cohabitation. this is not to say that all women are bad nor evil, but the issue here is that men simply have far too much to lose and very little to gain. the issue is that untill LAWS are fully changed to be more balanced in terms of child custody, and money there is no reason for a man to EVER MARRY. love is not a reason. this is the mistake that many men have made, and what my father FAILED to TEACH me and what most fathers have failed to teach men and what the WORLD DOESNT WANT TO TEACH MEN. is that while a woman holds the keys to sexual intimacy ....MEN HOLD THE KEY to commitment!!!! and it is in that commitment the MANS COMMITMENT that families are built that strong sons are born, and free thinking men and women with values WHO WOULD oppose governmental rule would exist and thrive.

feminism has money the governments and the media behind it granting it unlimited power, and basically ending the family unit the basis of this topic when should one move on to marriage. the answer is not too.

but all this power is meaningless... because if men simply opt out of marriage than i believe that things will change not in my life but with hope by the time my son is of age.

because in the end i believe that most women do desire marriage, or will as they age. and this is where the mens rights movement has his chance to make a real difference and reunite men and women to build a better world.

 

[Gus]

The term "dating" makes me think of newbies in a relationship, like 6 months or under. They probably aren't necessarily exclusive or that committed to each other. After 6 months of dating you're probably into the full blown relationship stage, maybe you're in love by that point. Anyway, I've never been married but I have been in a couple long term relationships. Two to be exact. The first one was 4 years and my current one has been going over 6 years now. Maybe if I ever get to the 10 or 15 year relationship stage, I'll consider marriage.

 

[Scientia]

This will be my most jaded post ever...in the history of everything....

I will address this first in 2 manners,
as INFjs i think that we are simply not suited for modern marriage. perhaps in a different age in the past or a future one but in this day and age, i say no. the premise is that modern marriages are built on something that "works" i dont know about you all I DONT want something that works. I want my soulmate....with regard to making something "work" hell I can do that with anyone, is that not what we do at work? we play nice so HR doesnt fire us, we make it work....make it work is not love. make it work sucks. maybe its cause we KNOW better now, maybe its cause of romanticism as a movement, maybe its cause we LIVE LONGER now.....IDK but marriage today is harder than ever. And I believe this is a major issue for INFJs who give and give and never give up.
I do not believe this is so much an issue for the S types of the world....they either cheat or get cheated on and they either make it work and forgive or just get divorce, either way as sensors i think they are able to deal with this and thrive. but for INFJs we statically experience the most martial dissatisfaction because of our soulmate issues, and our idealist hardcore romantic notions. All this adds up to being disappointed and reaching a day in marriage where we want out but are unable to do so due to how much we give and can endure....its a bad combo in this era. Marriage is for the most part dead, dating is dead, there is no longer any morality to hold us to these older concepts, so why should we engage in this endeavor?


now the more jaded part.
regardless of type, this is for all Men. as middle age male, and someone who has "survived" narcissistic abuse...my advice to all young men in general as a whole is to avoid marriage all together in any and all forms...this includes cohabitation. this is not to say that all women are bad nor evil, but the issue here is that men simply have far too much to lose and very little to gain. the issue is that untill LAWS are fully changed to be more balanced in terms of child custody, and money there is no reason for a man to EVER MARRY. love is not a reason. this is the mistake that many men have made, and what my father FAILED to TEACH me and what most fathers have failed to teach men and what the WORLD DOESNT WANT TO TEACH MEN. is that while a woman holds the keys to sexual intimacy ....MEN HOLD THE KEY to commitment!!!! and it is in that commitment the MANS COMMITMENT that families are built that strong sons are born, and free thinking men and women with values WHO WOULD oppose governmental rule would exist and thrive.

feminism has money the governments and the media behind it granting it unlimited power, and basically ending the family unit the basis of this topic when should one move on to marriage. the answer is not too.

but all this power is meaningless... because if men simply opt out of marriage than i believe that things will change not in my life but with hope by the time my son is of age.

because in the end i believe that most women do desire marriage, or will as they age. and this is where the mens rights movement has his chance to make a real difference and reunite men and women to build a better world.

I am sorry that you have been hurt. Your pain is obvious. There are two sides to every story, so look at yourself, too. I know what it's like to go through this with someone who never takes responsibility for his actions and devalues everyone close to him. Therapy can be helpful if you want to understand your role in that, forgive yourself and learn how to not do it again with someone new, marriage or not.

 

[charlatan]

I will address this first in 2 manners,
as INFjs i think that we are simply not suited for modern marriage. perhaps in a different age in the past or a future one but in this day and age, i say no. the premise is that modern marriages are built on something that "works" i dont know about you all I DONT want something that works. I want my soulmate....with regard to making something "work" hell I can do that with anyone, is that not what we do at work? we play nice so HR doesnt fire us, we make it work....make it work is not love. make it work sucks. maybe its cause we KNOW better now, maybe its cause of romanticism as a movement, maybe its cause we LIVE LONGER now.....IDK but marriage today is harder than ever. And I believe this is a major issue for INFJs who give and give and never give up.
I do not believe this is so much an issue for the S types of the world....they either cheat or get cheated on and they either make it work and forgive or just get divorce, either way as sensors i think they are able to deal with this and thrive. but for INFJs we statically experience the most martial dissatisfaction because of our soulmate issues, and our idealist hardcore romantic notions.

Yeah I've thought similar thoughts. The point you're making, in essence (if I'm getting it right), is that you can't be and don't see a point of being practical about love. We can be practical by gritting our teeth about, say, making money, but to be practical about love almost makes it seem like it would be better not to try.

I personally think I'm a kind of idealist, but not a romantic idealist exactly; for example, I don't believe much in the concept of romantic soulmate (I'd say not at all, if I didn't want to be cautious), if by that we mean the traditional concept of a single one-and-only romantic spouse who is more important than the rest of the people in one's life, because I ultimately think that love is better treated as common in nature among the various "types" (whether it's a spouse, father, mother, brother, best friend), and that not doing this more often than not depreciates the clarity of one's sense of love, adding more weight to mad passion than to real love.
I tend to believe it's best to view all the most important people in one's life (if indeed, on independent grounds, they've earned it) equally in love.

As a result, strangely, I DO view marriage/long term dating as to some extent about practicality, just not the soul-sucking kind of practicality. Because, ultimately, maybe there's someone you love just as much on another part of the globe and various factors make it impractical to change the distance, so you can't make it work to e.g. start a family with that person.

Not everyone needs to ever take this step, and I fully agree if someone said it's too often done out of social convention.

 

[Ryso89]

My experience = negligible... haven't transcended the dating phase.

I also do not believe in marriage. It is out dated. I believe many people, those who are still suffering the long held paradigms of society and deep-seeded beliefs, have a utopian view about their future, obviously driving them to see such a reality. Do you really want to sign a contract simply because society tells you that it is the "accepted" or "normal" thing to do? REALLY?

I don't. It is possible to remain loyal while building a life with someone, without getting hitched.

I would also like to point out how jewelry commercials have always pissed me off. Is it really worth spending all of that money.... for a fucking ring, to prove or justify your love for someone? Sorry, what a fucking scam. It always has been. I can't stand that kind of superficial / material crap. I can't imagine even dating someone who has a genuine desire for something so expensive. I imagine a bond symbolized by something I created for the two of us. Not something that is going to break the bank.

 

[Scientia]

My experience = negligible... haven't transcended the dating phase.

I also do not believe in marriage. It is out dated. I believe many people, those who are still suffering the long held paradigms of society and deep-seeded beliefs, have a utopian view about their future, obviously driving them to see such a reality. Do you really want to sign a contract simply because society tells you that it is the "accepted" or "normal" thing to do? REALLY?

I don't. It is possible to remyain loyal while building a life with someone, without getting hitched.

I would also like to point out how jewelry commercials have always pissed me off. Is it really worth spending all of that money.... for a fucking ring, to prove or justify your love for someone? Sorry, what a fucking scam. It always has been. I can't stand thait kind of superficial / material crap. I can't imagine even dating someone who has a genuine desire for something so expensive. I imagine a bond symbolized by something I created for the two of us. Not something that is going to break the bank.

You have clearly never been in love. I am now cursing you. May you fall in love with a perfect, beautiful match who will turn your whole world upside down and make you spew bad poetry and lie sleepless every night until you are together.

 

[Ryso89]

You have clearly never been in love. I am now cursing you. May you fall in love with a perfect, beautiful match who will turn your whole world upside down and make you spew bad poetry and lie sleepless every night until you are together.

Aww... why thank you. That is a very nice gesture.

So far I have only been the victim of idealism.

 

[Tris]

"To me, it would mean I have found someone who fits everything I am looking for in both a friend and partner. Someone physically, emotionally and intellectually stimulating."
I can relate to this on so many levels. I find it so rare to find someone that "matches" me but who I also feel a deeper soul connection with. It sounds like I'm an elitist but I'm just looking for a good compatibility with someone else, be it friend or a lover. Life experiences have taught me misunderstandings are going to happen but with the right people you can move past it. The tough battle I face frequently is the idealist in me says don't settle - keep looking for for someone you feel that instant click with and who has all your checkmarks. The realist in me says, HA! you haven't even found someone with all the qualities you seek in a friendship, much less a significant other. The realistic side of me keeps me in check.

 

[James]

My current thoughts are these.

For me me personally I wish I'd.
1) stayed single
2) paid off my mortgage
3) bought a really cool guitar

Instead I'm
1) Getting divorced
2) will be renting from now on
3) never got to buy that cool guitar

"It's better to have loved and lost" yeah. Maybe in 1650. Not so much in 2017 lol. You live and learn. For me that means I'm ok being single, and I'll be very very careful about any future partners.

 

[Adrian]

"To me, it would mean I have found someone who fits everything I am looking for in both a friend and partner. Someone physically, emotionally and intellectually stimulating."
I can relate to this on so many levels. I find it so rare to find someone that "matches" me but who I also feel a deeper soul connection with. It sounds like I'm an elitist but I'm just looking for a good compatibility with someone else, be it friend or a lover. Life experiences have taught me misunderstandings are going to happen but with the right people you can move past it. The tough battle I face frequently is the idealist in me says don't settle - keep looking for for someone you feel that instant click with and who has all your checkmarks. The realist in me says, HA! you haven't even found someone with all the qualities you seek in a friendship, much less a significant other. The realistic side of me keeps me in check.

This is so true, I don't want to be with someone that doesn't understand me fully, I want someone that I can get into a deep relationship with, someone i am really in love with, someone who truly matches me.

 

[Professor Snep]

May you fall in love with a perfect, beautiful match who will turn your whole world upside down and make you spew bad poetry and lie sleepless every night.

I am now cursing you.

Truer words were never spoken. Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies.

 

[Hoodie]

Your first question... I'm assuming you mean because marriage today doesn't hold as much stock as it used to. You can just live with someone and it doesn't really matter- most people seem to only get married for the party...? Is that what you mean? Like is there any point to that? In that case, I think marriage is pointless, and I don't think those types of relationships last long anyway (I mean, there's nothing wrong with parties- it really depends on the situation I guess).

However, I personally do feel that there is something to marriage/agreeing to be with one person and one person only. Again though, it really depends on the people. Weddings to me seem a little pointless, it's the agreement that I like (although I'm sure weddings are fun). But I think people can do that without marriage- but the communication must be there.

For the second question, I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Have my values changed from what? Personally I do want a more committed relationship. I'm technically waiting for a more committed relationship to have sex (tmi? Dx). And technically, I'm supposed to be waiting for marriage for that to happen, but in today's society everyone is afraid of commitment and it's taboo to have sex with whomever, whenever, without commitment-- WHICH of course is fine, if people want to do that, of course it's up to them. It's just frustrating for someone that doesn't want to do that, to try to find someone that will wait. Also please excuse the generalizations in this post; when I say everyone I'm just speaking out of frustration and know that the world is too diverse to have "everyone" in one box. If that makes sense. I feel like this went way off track.

 

[Emanuel Goldstein]

So, what are your thoughts on what it means to move from dating someone to wanting a long term commitment and even marrying them based on how we view these relationships today? Have your values or feelings changed about what qualities make a difference when choosing someone you would like to move from casual to serious?

Well... without reading the other posts... I came to some conclusions... when your tired of dating... get married. We have a preternatural ability to predict how a relationship will end... trust that instinct... You can celebrate marriage without needing a certificate (or religious figure) to tell you so... That is all.

 

[flufiang]

Purely personal view..... I am not for spending a decade or extended amount of time in a relationship without it progressing to
Marriage.... either pop the question within a reasonable amount of time or get out so I can find someone who will

 

[Gaze]

Having many options makes it difficult for many to get married. The modern world doesn't really support commitment as an ideal or positive. Rather temp arrangements or short term casual is seen as ideal although this is not always satisfying in the long term. We are also taught that life is about getting everything we want, so any compromise is seen as settling. If you can have everything you want without that commitment then why strive for it? That's the belief. Sad that marriage gets reduced to contract or piece of paper. I think it's so much more. I don't think you need two perfect people to make it work, but two people who see it as a partnership and are willing to make the relationship a priority, not something that's second to everything. And I'm still old school so just like @flufiang, for me dating is something I would use to figure out whether marriage is a possibility. If we chose to marry, the commitment is something we would make in our minds and hearts before marriage. Marriage is the stamp or official confirmation of that commitment. I think it shows, although there is never a guarantee, that someone wants their partner to have that official recognition and acknowledgement of their commitment. But this doesn't determine happiness. It's ongoing. It's essentially a journey and the couple has to make an effort to figure it out together as time goes by. I don't think it's about having the perfect mate or storybook marriage. Respect and willingness to make choices that are not just right for one person but both is key. Both have to be in it for the benefit of the two. That's tough in a world that tells you value yourself and put yourself above everything else in healthy, but not healthy for a relationship ways. It's also not going to work if each person thinks, there's always better out there. It's not going to make anyone really want to try to make it. Just my view.

 

[invisible]

I have no desire for someone to love me because love means that they take me for granted and I have to spend all my energy taking care of them. I would rather be playing a video game or drawing a picture.