Dating to long term or marrying

[flufiang]

Having many options makes it difficult for many to get married. The modern world doesn't really support commitment as an ideal or positive. Rather temp arrangements or short term casual is seen as ideal although this is not always satisfying in the long term. We are also taught that life is about getting everything we want, so any compromise is seen as settling. If you can have everything you want without that commitment then why strive for it? That's the belief. Sad that marriage gets reduced to contract or piece of paper. I think it's so much more. I don't think you need two perfect people to make it work, but two people who see it as a partnership and are willing to make the relationship a priority, not something that's second to everything. And I'm still old school so just like @flufiang, for me dating is something I would use to figure out whether marriage is a possibility. If we chose to marry, the commitment is something we would make in our minds and hearts before marriage. Marriage is the stamp or official confirmation of that commitment. I think it shows, although there is never a guarantee, that someone wants their partner to have that official recognition and acknowledgement of their commitment. But this doesn't determine happiness. It's ongoing. It's essentially a journey and the couple has to make an effort to figure it out together as time goes by. I don't think it's about having the perfect mate or storybook marriage. Respect and willingness to make choices that are not just right for one person but both is key. Both have to be in it for the benefit of the two. That's tough in a world that tells you value yourself and put yourself above everything else in healthy, but not healthy for a relationship ways. It's also not going to work if each person thinks, there's always better out there. It's not going to make anyone really want to try to make it. Just my view.

This perfectly embodies exactly the way I see this as well... thanks @Gaze

 

[flufiang]

I have no desire for someone to love me because love means that they take me for granted and I have to spend all my energy taking care of them. I would rather be playing a video game or drawing a picture.

Perk is if you love the right person they do the same for you

 

[Pin]

So, what are your thoughts on what it means to move from dating someone to wanting a long term commitment and even marrying them based on how we view these relationships today?

It takes discipline and discipline is good. The purpose of dating is marriage. The two purposes of marriage are lifelong companionship and raising a family.

Unlike most nowadays, I view marriage as a life-long commitment that you don't merely enter or abandon on a whim. I'm not keen on divorce.

Have your values or feelings changed about what qualities make a difference when choosing someone you would like to move from casual to serious?

I don't do casual. I have large goals and I don't have time for flings. I want someone who doesn't create unnecessary stress: quiet, optimistic, affectionate.

She also has to look nice in a dress.

 

[flufiang]

It takes discipline and discipline is good. The purpose of dating is marriage. The two purposes of marriage are lifelong companionship and raising a family.

Unlike most nowadays, I view marriage as a life-long commitment that you don't merely abandon on a whim. I'm not keen on divorce.

I don't do casual. I have large goals and I don't have time for flings. I want someone who doesn't create unnecessary stress: quiet, optimistic, affectionate.

She also has to look nice in a dress.

THIS.... is everything

 

[acd]

I really doubt people who divorce do it on a whim.

 

[Iryna]

Respect and willingness to make choices that are not just right for one person but both is key. Both have to be in it for the benefit of the two. That's tough in a world that tells you value yourself and put yourself above everything else in healthy, but not healthy for a relationship ways. It's also not going to work if each person thinks, there's always better out there. It's not going to make anyone really want to try to make it. Just my view.

There is a theory about knowing where to stop looking for a better one out there and start to "make it", in Hannah Fry's book "The mathematics of love". I can't say that I agree with her points, but here it is for contemplation:

"
As any mathematically minded person will tell you, it’s a fine balance between having the patience to wait for the right person and the foresight to cash in before all the good ones are taken.

Indeed, some such mathematically minded people have applied an area of mathematics known as “optimal stopping theory” to derive an actual equation that tells you precisely how many potential mates to reject before finding the perfect partner and helps you discern when it’s time to actually stop your looking and settle down with that person "

Basically, there is even a formula which helps to estimate how many potential partners one should reject before settling with someone - 37 % first candidates

 

[flufiang]

I have contemplated, I appreciate, 10/10 will not apply in my life

 

[Pin]

I really doubt people who divorce do it on a whim.

I did too until I spoke with divorced people. People seem to, unbeknownst to them, frivolously enter and end their marriages and relationships.

 

[Gaze]

I really doubt people who divorce do it on a whim.

I agree, that probably most people don't go into divorces willingly or casually. I don't think the decision to stay together is the same or right for every couple. For many couples, divorce is the right choice, but in other cases, I think some couples default to divorce or threats to divorce to get what they want or as the only choice when things didn't work out as hoped. This is why I do think that knowing that divorce is "always" this perfect escape option, there in the back of someone's mind can make it easier to not really try as hard to succeed as a couple especially when there are so many choices. And honestly, although divorce is not easy for many couples, some do get divorced for silly or superficial reasons, just as many don't respect the marriage commitment even if the marriage is going well. Doesn't mean something is wrong with marriage itself. Just means that the couple doesn't want to be married anymore.

My earlier issue though was the dismissing or putting marriage down because it's not working out how everyone thinks it should, and blaming marriage as if it's separate entity responsible for the success of a couple, when it's the people in a relationship who make it what it is.

Not sure if there is a perfect formula for a successful marriage, but I think it's a valid and beautiful commitment to a partner. Most couples though balance more with their partner or relationship today than before, especially career, finances, school, other responsibilities, etc. So, there are many reasons why a marriage may not work, but for those whom it does work, I think it takes a good deal to sustain that commitment.

 

[Ren]

So, what are your thoughts on what it means to move from dating someone to wanting a long term commitment and even marrying them based on how we view these relationships today? Have your values or feelings changed about what qualities make a difference when choosing someone you would like to move from casual to serious?

In the last year or so my view on the "qualities that make a difference" has really evolved and become less superficial. I'm not sure I would necessarily marry, but long-term commitment to a person whom I find charming, profound and compatible with me is something that I would envisage. I think I would need the extra push of falling in love, though. And this simply has not quite happened yet...

Or maybe I don't let myself. Can these things be controlled? The mystery remains

 

[Gaze]

In the last year or so my view on the "qualities that make a difference" has really evolved and become less superficial. I'm not sure I would necessarily marry, but long-term commitment to a person whom I find charming, profound and compatible with me is something that I would envisage. I think I would need the extra push of falling in love, though. And this simply has not quite happened yet...

Or maybe I don't let myself. Can these things be controlled? The mystery remains

Ah, yes, the mystery of it all. But I agree with you that it takes a very special person who you have that thing with or have these unique feelings for to make that kind of commitment. I do think it takes an interesting combo of traits and factors for that to happen. I think it's always easy to choose the superficial qualities because they are visible and incite an immediate feel good reaction, but this doesn't always pan out for long term relationship success. And I'm not sure there is just one person who is supposed to be or fit this vision either. It may simply be right place, right time, right person unexpectedly happening together. So, not sure. So, the mystery as you said, remains.