Dating that Leads to Marriage?

[RunDeep]

I'm curious as to what your intentions are when dating someone? Do you date someone with an end-goal of marriage in mind (if all goes well of course), or is it mostly for fun/companionship without thinking about a serious commitment? When do you start to think about your significant other in that regard and wonder what a future together would look like?

For me personally, I find "dating for fun" to be a waste of time and unfulfilling. I am really hoping that my next relationship leads to a marriage. I'm getting too old (25) for the games that so many like to play nowadays. It may be unusual for a man (but then again I'm an INFP, so "typical" doesn't really apply. lol) but with the girl I like I sometimes think of how her last name would sound with mine. I also think about my future kids and what I would name them, etc. Am I so unusual for a man?

I really don't think I could date someone, especially if I loved her, without thinking about marriage, even if it was quite aways off into the future. I guess I'm a long-term commitment kind of guy. People who don't want this tend to baffle me.

Thoughts?

 

[PintoBean]

I always dated with the end goal of marriage. The other stuff I didn't call dating.

 

[RunDeep]

I always dated with the end goal of marriage. The other stuff I didn't call dating.

Same. I don't really understand those guys who date girls without that end goal. I find that I start thinking about a future marriage pretty early on into a relationship, and most definitely after I fall in love with the girl.

 

[Jet]

I thought much as you do in my youth. So I avoided dating in HS and College (or rather I wasn't asked out but it didn't bother me too much...you can have fun w/o a relationship).

Now at 31, with a marriage almost behind me I think differently.

Practice makes perfect. Dating to help you realize what you want in a partner, without pressure for it to be forever, is a good thing.

Statistically, marriage is not a good bet. I don't think that should be a default goal...a healthy suitable and maintainable relationship should be the goal. If that results in marriage awesome.

I also wouldn't classify relationships that don't end in marriage as failures necessarily.

 

[RunDeep]

I thought much as you do in my youth. So I avoided dating in HS and College (or rather I wasn't asked out but it didn't bother me too much...you can have fun w/o a relationship).

Now at 31, with a marriage almost behind me I think differently.

Practice makes perfect. Dating to help you realize what you want in a partner, without pressure for it to be forever, is a good thing.

Statistically, marriage is not a good bet. I don't think that should be a default goal...a healthy suitable and maintainable relationship should be the goal. If that results in marriage awesome.

I also wouldn't classify relationships that don't end in marriage as failures necessarily.

I respect your opinion, however I don't think it's very considerate for me to date a woman for an extended amount of time and lead her on without a commitment at some point. I also feel that a woman has a prime window for child-bearing years, and considering the woman wants children (as most do) she would essentially be wasting her best years on a guy that won't commit. Of course, I realize that not all women feel this way... but for those who want a family, I would imagine it's important to them.

I guess basically what I'm saying is that if I don't feel like I could marry her, then it's inconsiderate of me to waste her most prime years of her life with someone who won't give her a commitment. JMO

 

[Jet]

I respect your opinion, however I don't think it's very considerate for me to date a woman for an extended amount of time and lead her on without a commitment at some point. I also feel that a woman has a prime window for child-bearing years, and considering the woman wants children (as most do) she would essentially be wasting her best years on a guy that won't commit. Of course, I realize that not all women feel this way... but for those who want a family, I would imagine it's important to them.

That is why you are in open communication about it. If children is something desired, talk about it. How will you parent, how many children? Is religion, school, language, location import to you? How willing are you to compromise?

Better to "waste" a year or two of someone's life then to have to spend the rest of your life Coparenting with someone you will end up utterly incompatible with.

 

[Jet]

I respect your opinion, however I don't think it's very considerate for me to date a woman for an extended amount of time and lead her on without a commitment at some point. I also feel that a woman has a prime window for child-bearing years, and considering the woman wants children (as most do) she would essentially be wasting her best years on a guy that won't commit. Of course, I realize that not all women feel this way... but for those who want a family, I would imagine it's important to them.

That is why you are in open communication about it. If children is something desired, talk about it. How will you parent, how many children? Is religion, school, language, location import to you? How willing are you to compromise?

Better to "waste" a year or two of someone's life then to have to spend the rest of your life Coparenting with someone you will end up utterly incompatible with.

 

[RunDeep]

That is why you are in open communication about it. If children is something desired, talk about it. How will you parent, how many children? Is religion, school, language, location import to you? How willing are you to compromise?

Better to "waste" a year or two of someone's life then to have to spend the rest of your life Coparenting with someone you will end up utterly incompatible with.

Of course and I totally agree-- I just feel that all of this should be covered fairly early on so that there is no time wasted with someone who doesn't see eye-to-eye on these things. And if one partner isn't interested in marriage at some point, then they need to be upfront about that so as not to lead the other person on. I guess the question is, when is it appropriate to bring up such a conversation? For me, bringing the topic up initially would be awkward at first but I feel like it's a very important conversation to have to make sure you are both on the same page. Having a conversation to make sure you both want the same end-goal is not equivalent to the guy actually buying a ring and proposing, you know?

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

A pattern I see in most people's goals - to finally attain something, keep it, then return to a state of
laziness where one doesn't have to put any more effort into life. I anticipate that some of you will reject
this observation with many reasons that marriage is a good thing. I think it can be, but it usually isn't,
and that's beside the point of our tendencies. That's fine. Take it or leave it.

 

[Jet]

when is it appropriate to bring up such a conversation?

Date one, or prior to date one if possible.

Every man I've communicated with who stated that they were actively looking to get married I have said thanks but no thanks to. I'm going to waste either of our times.

You can say that you are interested in a relationship that will ultimately result in marriage at the start and then if it organically gets to that point great.

Only problem is, people are big fat liars, or you know they change or just don't even know what they really want. That is why communication is key and will serve a couple far better than marriage.

 

[RunDeep]

A pattern I see in most people's goals - to finally attain something, keep it, then return to a state of
laziness where one doesn't have to put any more effort into life. I anticipate that some of you will reject
this observation with many reasons that marriage is a good thing. I think it can be, but it usually isn't,
and that's beside the point of our tendencies. That's fine. Take it or leave it.

That's why love needs to be a choice, as they say. Choosing to put effort into the relationship/marriage after the butterflies are gone is what will hold it together and keep it strong. I have every intention to fight for the one I love. Love is a choice, not just a feeling.

 

[Jet]

A pattern I see in most people's goals - to finally attain something, keep it, then return to a state of
laziness where one doesn't have to put any more effort into life. I anticipate that some of you will reject
this observation with many reasons that marriage is a good thing. I think it can be, but it usually isn't,
and that's beside the point of our tendencies. That's fine. Take it or leave it.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

That's why love needs to be a choice, as they say. Choosing to put effort into the relationship/marriage after the butterflies are gone is what will hold it together and keep it strong. I have every intention to fight for the one I love. Love is a choice, not just a feeling.

You can do this without marriage. The ironic thing is, if you held yourself to this romantic ideal, you wouldn't need the very mechanism that marriage provides - an incentive to keep a couple together by involving the law in their affairs, and penalizing seperation.

 

[Jet]

You can do this without marriage. The ironic thing is, if you held yourself to this romantic ideal, you wouldn't need the very mechanism that marriage provides - an incentive to keep a couple together by involving the law in their affairs, and penalizing seperation.

This is only true to some extent. Not all states recognize common law partnerships and here are still some benefits that are only given to married individuals.

 

[RunDeep]

Date one, or prior to date one if possible.

Every man I've communicated with who stated that they were actively looking to get married I have said thanks but no thanks to. I'm going to waste either of our times.

You can say that you are interested in a relationship that will ultimately result in marriage at the start and then if it organically gets to that point great.

Only problem is, people are big fat liars, or you know they change or just don't even know what they really want. That is why communication is key and will serve a couple far better than marriage.

lol I would feel so awkward telling that a to a girl on the first date... I feel like maybe we should have some sort of an emotional connection first, and then I would feel more ease bringing up such a serious topic. As always, I overthink things. INFP problems.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

This is only true to some extent. Not all states recognize common law partnerships and here are still some benefits that are only given to married individuals.

What I meant by incentive wasn't necessarily benefits, but a mechanism to keep them together whether by positive motivation.

 

[Jet]

lol I would feel so awkward telling that a to a girl on the first date... I feel like maybe we should have some sort of an emotional connection first, and then I would feel more ease bringing up such a serious topic. As always, I overthink things. INFP problems.

A moment of awkward or a few weeks of dating until you form an emotional connection and then find out the end goal isn't the same and the relationship doomed.

 

[RunDeep]

You can do this without marriage. The ironic thing is, if you held yourself to this romantic ideal, you wouldn't need the very mechanism that marriage provides - an incentive to keep a couple together by involving the law in their affairs, and penalizing seperation.

This is true, but being a father is one of my biggest dreams, so that would never work for me. I want my future children to have a family and a mother that they know I am committed to. Marriage gives the the spouse, and especially the children, security. The ring is a symbol of commitment. If I loved someone and wanted to have a family with her, why wouldn't I marry her?

 

[RunDeep]

A moment of awkward or a few weeks of dating until you form an emotional connection and then find out the end goal isn't the same and the relationship doomed.

Haha true. I'm about to ask a girl out-- should be an interesting first date. She seems like the marriage type though.

 

[Jet]

This is true, but being a father is one of my biggest dreams, so that would never work for me. I want my future children to have a family and a mother that they know I am committed to. Marriage gives the the spouse, and especially the children, security. The ring is a symbol of commitment. If I loved someone and wanted to have a family with her, why wouldn't I marry her?

Children are smart. They will know if there is commitment and love between their parents with or without that ring.

You can marry her for the protections it will provide the family. But marriage will not do an thing to change the relationship.