Dating people vs. "types" of people | INFJ Forum

Dating people vs. "types" of people

Gaze

Gaze

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So, I was browsing another forum today, and, not to sound a tad too oblivious to the way people think, but it still surprises me how much people stereotype entire groups of people when dating. Sometimes, the stories begin with, so "i'm dating a single mother with kids . . . " or a "30-something single woman . . ." or "a 45 year old divorced dad . . .", and as the stories progresses, the person becomes simply a caricature, reduced to the category they belong to; they're no longer a person, but an age, a life experience, or a demographic.
 
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thx for the reps, but i'd love to see some comments people! :D :D

Agree or disagree? Do you ever feel like you're treated as a type or a category than a real person when dating? How do you think dating is affected by this tendency to generalize or stereotype?
 
Yeeah. I think you're right in your observations.

I don't know about dating specifically, but people tend to expect me to be immature based on my age. That pisses me off. Or I'll say something with depth and people will be like "pffft, you're not mature/wise/experienced enough to know".
 
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I think that depends largely on how many people you date at a time or what you classify as "dating" If you just go out and have coffee with lots of different people it seems like it is only natural to give those people identifiers of sorts over time. However if what you consider "dating" is a monogamous relationship using labels like that can be very dehumanizing.
 
I wish I could answer you, but, I haven't dated in a while. But my second girlfriend dated me because she was under the assumption that I was very kinky during sex since I'm Hispanic.

I don't know where she got that from.
 
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Yes and I don't care.

Boring answer sorry, but its true :(
 
Well, the thing is. Although the poster may know this person well, they have to assume the audience does not. Stereotypes are a very effective and quick way to get a general idea across. We either don't mention the stereotypes that don't apply, or we may specifically identify parts of the stereotype that don't apply.

That's my take on it anyway.
 
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I'm not sure if this is directly related but it is one of my pet peeves. I will be introduced to someone in a non-business situation and it will be "So and so is a <insert job title>", or "So and So owns this or that" or "So and so is the son of so and so", or "So and so won an award for...".

When did it become polite to introduce someone in a social setting with a list of credentials? I'd rather hear, "This is So and so, my friend. I think you might have this in common" or "This is so and so. Let him tell you the joke about..." Anything along that order but I don't want to hear your resume or your family tree. I know all of that is meant to help me categorize you but I'd rather hear about you.
 
Phoenix Down said:
Well, the thing is. Although the poster may know this person well, they have to assume the audience does not. Stereotypes are a very effective and quick way to get a general idea across. We either don't mention the stereotypes that don't apply, or we may specifically identify parts of the stereotype that don't apply.

That's my take on it anyway.
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that makes sense when you're trying to explain a situation understandably, when you start going on an on about this person, attributing everything they do the stereotype, not because they really do fit the stereotype, but because you need people to sympathize with you, which again is understandable, but nevertheless tiresome, it's legitimating something which is not true.
 
AlienSpectator said:
I'm not sure if this is directly related but it is one of my pet peeves. I will be introduced to someone in a non-business situation and it will be "So and so is a <insert job title>", or "So and So owns this or that" or "So and so is the son of so and so", or "So and so won an award for...".

When did it become polite to introduce someone in a social setting with a list of credentials? I'd rather hear, "This is So and so, my friend. I think you might have this in common" or "This is so and so. Let him tell you the joke about..." Anything along that order but I don't want to hear your resume or your family tree. I know all of that is meant to help me categorize you but I'd rather hear about you.
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+1. And we know what's that like coming from our culture, where everyone is introduced by profession or achievement :p. Sometimes, it's almost like you're put on the spot - show them what you can do, now that you've been introduced as Ms. B.'s daughter, the lawyer, teacher, doctor, etc. Your position becomes your identity, rather than who you are. [MENTION=3710]AlienSpectator[/MENTION]
 
Res said:
+1. And we know what's that like coming from our culture, where everyone is introduced by profession or achievement :p. Sometimes, it's almost like you're put on the spot - show them what you can do, now that you've been introduced as Ms. B.'s daughter, the lawyer, teacher, doctor, etc. Your position becomes your identity, rather than who you are. [MENTION=3710]AlienSpectator[/MENTION]
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Precisely. It's almost as if you are expected to fall at their feet and worship. <gag>
 
Like I said in another thread, I don't get Shakespeare but he said something very true in that "a world's a stage and we are merely its' players."

But out of all those roles that you play, which one is your real self? Is it the one that you show in the mirror in the morning? Are you the teacher? Are you the father?

It seems that no matter where you look, the self just keeps changing.
 
Res said:
+1. And we know what's that like coming from our culture, where everyone is introduced by profession or achievement :p. Sometimes, it's almost like you're put on the spot - show them what you can do, now that you've been introduced as Ms. B.'s daughter, the lawyer, teacher, doctor, etc. Your position becomes your identity, rather than who you are. @AlienSpectator
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Then what should we say instead of that?
 
Royal said:
Then what should we say instead of that?
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@Royal. Anything you want. But the situation I'm referring to in regards to @AlienSpectator 's comment is culturally specific, where there's a major class divide, and you're treated as a class, rather than as a person. You're expected to treat others better because of their position, and treat others as less, who haven't achieved as much.
 
So, this is kind of relevant to my current situation.
This guy asked me out, and I was unsure of whether I wanted to say yes or not because he is 34 and I am only 22, and he is divorced with two kids. My gut feeling was to say no, but I didn't want to be judgmental- I didn't want to label him and see him only as that label and not as a person. So I went out with him a few times. And, well...honestly I wish that I had been more judgmental. His age and life experience definitely were beyond mine, and me being smart and mature doesn't make up for that gap. We couldn't really sync. And now I feel.....icky. :/

While it may be essentializing to label someone based solely on age and/or life experience, we cannot act like it doesn't have anything to do with who they are, because it definitely does. Stereotypes of groups of people are a type of mental heuristic that helps us gauge others. What we have to be careful of is not looking any further into who someone is and allowing the stereotype to be the only thing you know about them, and then treating them differently based only on that stereotype. Recognize that something is a stereotype and you can see where it is correct or false.

And don't date creepy old men.

(I'm kidding, I know 34 isn't old. Just too old for me. lol)
 
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Crabby Lil Me said:
So, this is kind of relevant to my current situation.
This guy asked me out, and I was unsure of whether I wanted to say yes or not because he is 34 and I am only 22, and he is divorced with two kids. My gut feeling was to say no, but I didn't want to be judgmental- I didn't want to label him and see him only as that label and not as a person. So I went out with him a few times. And, well...honestly I wish that I had been more judgmental. His age and life experience definitely were beyond mine, and me being smart and mature doesn't make up for that gap. We couldn't really sync. And now I feel.....icky. :/

While it may be essentializing to label someone based solely on age and/or life experience, we cannot act like it doesn't have anything to do with who they are, because it definitely does. Stereotypes of groups of people are a type of mental heuristic that helps us gauge others. What we have to be careful of is not looking any further into who someone is and allowing the stereotype to be the only thing you know about them, and then treating them differently based only on that stereotype. Recognize that something is a stereotype and you can see where it is correct or false.

And don't date creepy old men.

(I'm kidding, I know 34 isn't old. Just too old for me. lol)
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@Crabby Lil Me

So, although you were right initially, it could also have gone the other way, then maybe you would've felt it was worth it. In any case, you allowed the experience ultimately to confirm or deny your feelings, rather than depending on the preconceived notions alone.
 
I think that those people are trying to give their audience a sense of who they're interacting with. Perhaps a label such as "single mom with kids" conveys more meaning then "so I'm dating this chick..."
I think labeling such as this isn't hugely a problem, as long as the label is factual and indisputable. A more detailed description will help people understand, to be sure, but any label is better then none.

But really, does it matter? I wouldn't care whether someone described their spouse as "funny, charming, and handsome" or "a fugly jerk who drinks all my wine." The point is that they love them and are happy.
 
ultrauber said:
I think that those people are trying to give their audience a sense of who they're interacting with. Perhaps a label such as "single mom with kids" conveys more meaning then "so I'm dating this chick..."
I think labeling such as this isn't hugely a problem, as long as the label is factual and indisputable. A more detailed description will help people understand, to be sure, but any label is better then none.

But really, does it matter? I wouldn't care whether someone described their spouse as "funny, charming, and handsome" or "a fugly jerk who drinks all my wine." The point is that they love them and are happy.
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I take your point. Perhaps the labels I used weren't the best to make my point. I think my point was more about stereotypes of people based on the demographic they belong to.
 
I tried to gather some dates from our local Craigslist, and had to be very specific about whom I was seeking so, yes, I had to pideonhole and typecast them because I was drawing my own boundaries about who I would date and who I woudln't.

But as far as class goes, you can't imagine how irriated i was with the many replies back from 18 and 20-somethings who were intentionally mailing me saying: "I know I'm a bit young. Are you a cougar? I'm looking for a cougar!" Same with lame guys my own age who were mailing when they knew damn good and well they blatantly did NOT fit the description of the person I was seeking.
 
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