Dated an ESFP. Broke up and now wants us to pretend we are together for a party. What gives????

[Nets]

I (F32) posted a couple of weeks ago asking for advise on what to do with a sweet/good guy (M31) that checked some of my boxes. I’m so glad I listened to you all and held off on ending it before I really got the chance to hash out the issue (of overdrinking in parties to the point of the point of throwing up/passing out). I’ve spoken with him about my concern and he explained that alcohol isn’t a core need (doesn’t drink everyday nor alone, doesn’t go to bars often). We were invited to a party where he drank 13 shots and was just buzzed. I knew then that I wasn’t comfortable with him about that. We had a white elephant exchange gift where someone jokingly said one has to take 4 shots to steal a gift. When presented a chance to do so, no one took the 4 shots except he considered it because he wanted to win me a gift. I appreciated the gesture but felt uncomfortable. I explained to him my discomfort some more; he explained that drinking lots is a part of family/friends tradition and culture. He has a wedding coming up where he told me that he might be/ will be blacked out because of the drinking challenges. When he couldn’t promise me that he would drink in moderation in these parties (I also knew that his core is to please family and friends, to make sure that everyone has a good time), I knew it had to end. These parties aren’t just limited to wedding, he has such a large group of friends and family that there would be parties every month. I don’t have anything against people who party hard but I also know now that it’s not a value of mine, especially to take care of a partner passed out/throwing up multiple times a year. Within the next few weeks, I also found out how much he spent and told me he has to get his finances in order because he hasn’t set hard limit on his friends and family (purchasing wedding gifts/ trips/ activities). Also when we discussed what to do for the future holiday events, he proposed the idea that we pretend that we are together for his friends so our breakup doesn’t ruin the event... that was the last nail in the coffin. I know that he believes in doing a “100” or making lots of memories that are ridiculous. But I also know and has accepted that yes it’s great to have fun and make memories but there are times that limits/boundaries must be acknowledged. I’m so glad
that you all gave me “gray answers” and that I didn’t end it based on speculation. With that, when I put things together this time that I ended it, it’s because of an incompatibility. I’m so glad that I put myself first.

Now about the event, I’m flabbergasted that he suggested pretending. Do I address this when we meet up? He also told me that I’m using the alcohol as an “OUT” since I was hesitant to move the relationship forward (because of the alcohol use). I wonder why he said that? Do I address this all when we meet up to return our things or just leave it alone and exchange this, day our goodbyes and that’s it...

 

[sassafras]

Well, of course the alcohol was an out. It clearly bothered you and he dismissed it as a non-issue and obviously had no plans to change his habits. There's no harm in calling a spade a spade.

As for pretending, well, it could be that he's embarrassed that you broke up and doesn't want to own up to his friends about it (to save face) or he's hoping that if you guys go to this event together, he can convince you to stick around... or sleep together one last time.

If you don't want to do this pretend business (I wouldn't) just don't bring it up again. Say your goodbyes. If he brings up the alcohol again, be honest and say it was a factor. He should know that... and maybe, if he ever decides to recover from his problem, he'll realize that its contributed to a pattern in jeopardizing his relationships.

Good for you for listening to your values and standing up for them. Alcohol is a deal breaker for many people, myself included.

 

[David54]

He has a serious drinking problem. it isn't going to do any good to talk with him as he doesn't get it. and this "pretend for the sake of his friends"?. . uh, no. that's not healthy for either of you. I would walk away from this situation as quickly as I could, just say good bye and be done

 

[Bird]

First of all, it pisses me OFF that he is saying you're using alcohol as an out
as though this isn't a reason to end things. This is a valid difference in your lifestyles.


Why do you still want to go to this wedding with him?
You said that you put yourself first and endid it because of an incompatibility.
If I were in your place, I would not feel comfortable going to the wedding and
would continue to put myself first and would not go (it is worth noting that you
and I sound similar in regards to our approach toward alcohol). I understand
that he doesn't want to disappoint his friends/family, but he needs to learn how
to deal with uncomfortable situations and it isn't your respobsility to mitigate them.

If you ended things, you shouldn't be pretending to be together.
As you said, your values are different. I don't understand why he would want
to lie to his friends and family as if that is going to not disappoint them further.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Now about the event, I’m flabbergasted that he suggested pretending. Do I address this when we meet up? He also told me that I’m using the alcohol as an “OUT” since I was hesitant to move the relationship forward (because of the alcohol use). I wonder why he said that? Do I address this all when we meet up to return our things or just leave it alone and exchange this, day our goodbyes and that’s it...

I agree with the advice so far. You don't need to address it, but if he brings it up...

You might want to say that it's a big red flag in itself, and speaks to a deep personal dishonesty. That he asked you to help him lie further indicates that he doesn't respect your values. It's very selfish all round.

 

[sassafras]

First of all, it pisses me OFF that he is saying you're using alcohol as an out
as though this isn't a reason to end things. This is a valid difference in your lifestyles.


Why do you still want to go to this wedding with him?
You said that you put yourself first and endid it because of an incompatibility.
If I were in your place, I would not feel comfortable going to the wedding and
would continue to put myself first and would not go (it is worth noting that you
and I sound similar in regards to our approach toward alcohol). I understand
that he doesn't want to disappoint his friends/family, but he needs to learn how
to deal with uncomfortable situations and it isn't your respobsility to mitigate them.

If you ended things, you shouldn't be pretending to be together.
As you said, your values are different. I don't understand why he would want
to lie to his friends and family as if that is going to not disappoint them further.

Oh heck, yeah. I guess I missed that detail. Don't go to this wedding. Don't put yourself in any more uncomfortable positions for his sake.

 

[Nets]

First of all, it pisses me OFF that he is saying you're using alcohol as an out
as though this isn't a reason to end things. This is a valid difference in your lifestyles.


Why do you still want to go to this wedding with him?
You said that you put yourself first and endid it because of an incompatibility.
If I were in your place, I would not feel comfortable going to the wedding and
would continue to put myself first and would not go (it is worth noting that you
and I sound similar in regards to our approach toward alcohol). I understand
that he doesn't want to disappoint his friends/family, but he needs to learn how
to deal with uncomfortable situations and it isn't your respobsility to mitigate them.

If you ended things, you shouldn't be pretending to be together.
As you said, your values are different. I don't understand why he would want
to lie to his friends and family as if that is going to not disappoint them further.

First of all, it pisses me OFF that he is saying you're using alcohol as an out
as though this isn't a reason to end things. This is a valid difference in your lifestyles.


Why do you still want to go to this wedding with him?
You said that you put yourself first and endid it because of an incompatibility.
If I were in your place, I would not feel comfortable going to the wedding and
would continue to put myself first and would not go (it is worth noting that you
and I sound similar in regards to our approach toward alcohol). I understand
that he doesn't want to disappoint his friends/family, but he needs to learn how
to deal with uncomfortable situations and it isn't your respobsility to mitigate them.

If you ended things, you shouldn't be pretending to be together.
As you said, your values are different. I don't understand why he would want
to lie to his friends and family as if that is going to not disappoint them further.

The wedding is in Feb and I wouldn’t go. We have trips and parties planned next week, I wouldn’t go either. I don’t like to pretend or lie, hence I broke it off right before the holidays. I couldn’t stand seeing him take 13 shots last Saturday. I pretended to be okay with that Sunday but couldn’t hold it together so I broke it off that Monday. We just need to exchange stuff next week, I will have a friend in the car with me to wait for 5 mins. Should be clean break. I wouldn’t address anything anymore unless he asks. But it’s done and I’m glad I got out now.

 

[sassafras]

The wedding is in Feb and I wouldn’t go. We have trips and parties planned next week, I wouldn’t go either. I don’t like to pretend or lie, hence I broke it off right before the holidays. I couldn’t stand seeing him take 13 shots last Saturday. I pretended to be okay with that Sunday but couldn’t hold it together so I broke it off that Monday. We just need to exchange stuff next week, I will have a friend in the car with me to wait for 5 mins. Should be clean break. I wouldn’t address anything anymore unless he asks. But it’s done and I’m glad I got out now.

Awesome. Good for you

 

[Deleted member 16771]

The wedding is in Feb and I wouldn’t go. We have trips and parties planned next week, I wouldn’t go either. I don’t like to pretend or lie, hence I broke it off right before the holidays. I couldn’t stand seeing him take 13 shots last Saturday. I pretended to be okay with that Sunday but couldn’t hold it together so I broke it off that Monday. We just need to exchange stuff next week, I will have a friend in the car with me to wait for 5 mins. Should be clean break. I wouldn’t address anything anymore unless he asks. But it’s done and I’m glad I got out now.

Sounds like a solid plan. Good luck.

Trying to keep up with that kind of lifestyle would kill me inside, I think.

 

[Nets]

Sounds like a solid plan. Good luck.

Trying to keep up with that kind of lifestyle would kill me inside, I think.

Yeah it exhausted me for 3 months. It didn’t start out like that but the last month, I started to see. It was really fun but it didn’t align with my values.

 

[Nets]

He did Li

Well, of course the alcohol was an out. It clearly bothered you and he dismissed it as a non-issue and obviously had no plans to change his habits. There's no harm in calling a spade a spade.

As for pretending, well, it could be that he's embarrassed that you broke up and doesn't want to own up to his friends about it (to save face) or he's hoping that if you guys go to this event together, he can convince you to stick around... or sleep together one last time.

If you don't want to do this pretend business (I wouldn't) just don't bring it up again. Say your goodbyes. If he brings up the alcohol again, be honest and say it was a factor. He should know that... and maybe, if he ever decides to recover from his problem, he'll realize that its contributed to a pattern in jeopardizing his relationships.

Good for you for listening to your values and standing up for them. Alcohol is a deal breaker for many people, myself included.

He did linger in my apt and it took 90 mins to end it. He said he “had no right to be at my place” but stayed for a while. I’ve never seen him so upset but it seems like he was waiting for me to change my answer or tolerate his behavior. Which I wouldn’t do. He doesn’t see his behavior as a problem at all... maybe because it’s so normalize within his family/friends or social network. It is what it is.

 

[Lady Jolanda]

This is an obvious case of incompatible values. Good for you for sticking to your own values after he was unwilling to compromise, that must have taken some willpower. (No one likes breaking up.)

You can talk to him about why he wanted to pretend that you're still together when you get your stuff, but only if you feel the need to. I don't think you'll get an answer that would make sense to you though. (Sounds like another value clash honestly.)

Honesty and moderation/responsibility are clearly important to you. Those are good values to have.

 

[Nets]

This is an obvious case of incompatible values. Good for you for sticking to your own values after he was unwilling to compromise, that must have taken some willpower. (No one likes breaking up.)

You can talk to him about why he wanted to pretend that you're still together when you get your stuff, but only if you feel the need to. I don't think you'll get an answer that would make sense to you though. (Sounds like another value clash honestly.)

Honesty and moderation/responsibility are clearly important to you. Those are good values to have.

This warmed my heart. Thank you!

 

[acd]

Breaking up with him because he has an annoying laugh would be an out. Breaking up with him because he's a budding alcoholic is smart.

 

[Nets]

Breaking up with him because he has an annoying laugh would be an out. Breaking up with him because he's a budding alcoholic is smart.

Agreed

 

[G4RiiM]

Breaking up with him because he has an annoying laugh would be an out. Breaking up with him because he's a budding alcoholic is smart.

Why wouldnt annoying laugh be a legit reason? shit sometimes I'd wish I could break up with myself over that shit

 

[acd]

Why wouldnt annoying laugh be a legit reason? shit sometimes I'd wish I could break up with myself over that shit

I actually think you could break up with anyone for anything and it's a valid reason. No point staying in a relationship you don't want to be in. I just thought it was absurd (of the bf) to try to trivialize breaking up with someone over their alcohol problem like it was no big deal or she was being petty over it.

 

[Nets]

I actually think you could break up with anyone for anything and it's a valid reason. No point staying in a relationship you don't want to be in. I just thought it was absurd (of the bf) to try to trivialize breaking up with someone over their alcohol problem like it was no big deal or she was being petty over it.

I think he thinks I’m being petty because he binge drinks only on parties. Once a month/ every other month/ every few months. He doesn’t see it as a problem for me (normal for him because family and friends encourage it). But at this point in my life, I would rather take care of a partner who got sick (because he legit got sick) than a partner who chose to get sick/ pass out knowingly. To me, it’s a turn off and it’s gonna chip away the respect I have for a partner. Reliability and safety are important for me and if a partner consciously chooses not to be reliable for the sake of having fun and making memories.