Dated an ESFP. Broke up and now wants us to pretend we are together for a party. What gives????

I (F32) posted a couple of weeks ago asking for advise on what to do with a sweet/good guy (M31) that checked some of my boxes. I’m so glad I listened to you all and held off on ending it before I really got the chance to hash out the issue (of overdrinking in parties to the point of the point of throwing up/passing out). I’ve spoken with him about my concern and he explained that alcohol isn’t a core need (doesn’t drink everyday nor alone, doesn’t go to bars often). We were invited to a party where he drank 13 shots and was just buzzed. I knew then that I wasn’t comfortable with him about that. We had a white elephant exchange gift where someone jokingly said one has to take 4 shots to steal a gift. When presented a chance to do so, no one took the 4 shots except he considered it because he wanted to win me a gift. I appreciated the gesture but felt uncomfortable. I explained to him my discomfort some more; he explained that drinking lots is a part of family/friends tradition and culture. He has a wedding coming up where he told me that he might be/ will be blacked out because of the drinking challenges. When he couldn’t promise me that he would drink in moderation in these parties (I also knew that his core is to please family and friends, to make sure that everyone has a good time), I knew it had to end. These parties aren’t just limited to wedding, he has such a large group of friends and family that there would be parties every month. I don’t have anything against people who party hard but I also know now that it’s not a value of mine, especially to take care of a partner passed out/throwing up multiple times a year. Within the next few weeks, I also found out how much he spent and told me he has to get his finances in order because he hasn’t set hard limit on his friends and family (purchasing wedding gifts/ trips/ activities). Also when we discussed what to do for the future holiday events, he proposed the idea that we pretend that we are together for his friends so our breakup doesn’t ruin the event... that was the last nail in the coffin. I know that he believes in doing a “100” or making lots of memories that are ridiculous. But I also know and has accepted that yes it’s great to have fun and make memories but there are times that limits/boundaries must be acknowledged. I’m so glad
that you all gave me “gray answers” and that I didn’t end it based on speculation. With that, when I put things together this time that I ended it, it’s because of an incompatibility. I’m so glad that I put myself first.



Now about the event, I’m flabbergasted that he suggested pretending. Do I address this when we meet up? He also told me that I’m using the alcohol as an “OUT” since I was hesitant to move the relationship forward (because of the alcohol use). I wonder why he said that? Do I address this all when we meet up to return our things or just leave it alone and exchange this, day our goodbyes and that’s it...

 

The wedding is in Feb and I wouldn’t go. We have trips and parties planned next week, I wouldn’t go either. I don’t like to pretend or lie, hence I broke it off right before the holidays. I couldn’t stand seeing him take 13 shots last Saturday. I pretended to be okay with that Sunday but couldn’t hold it together so I broke it off that Monday. We just need to exchange stuff next week, I will have a friend in the car with me to wait for 5 mins. Should be clean break. I wouldn’t address anything anymore unless he asks. But it’s done and I’m glad I got out now.

 

Yeah it exhausted me for 3 months. It didn’t start out like that but the last month, I started to see. It was really fun but it didn’t align with my values.

 

He did Li

He did linger in my apt and it took 90 mins to end it. He said he “had no right to be at my place” but stayed for a while. I’ve never seen him so upset but it seems like he was waiting for me to change my answer or tolerate his behavior. Which I wouldn’t do. He doesn’t see his behavior as a problem at all... maybe because it’s so normalize within his family/friends or social network. It is what it is.

 

This warmed my heart. Thank you!

 

Agreed

 

I think he thinks I’m being petty because he binge drinks only on parties. Once a month/ every other month/ every few months. He doesn’t see it as a problem for me (normal for him because family and friends encourage it). But at this point in my life, I would rather take care of a partner who got sick (because he legit got sick) than a partner who chose to get sick/ pass out knowingly. To me, it’s a turn off and it’s gonna chip away the respect I have for a partner. Reliability and safety are important for me and if a partner consciously chooses not to be reliable for the sake of having fun and making memories.