[INFJ] Conversation Vs Writing Vs Social Media

[Asa]

I just had a moment where I was nearly reduced to tears because:

1. I stupidly used FB. Why do I use FB? It's the worst.

2. Commented on a friend's post and he mistook my tone.


This happens somewhat often for me on any platform where I am writing conversationally. In person, I may word what I say poorly, or fumble with applying words to thoughts, but my tone lets people know my intent.


Social media and forums (including INFJs) are hard for me - It is like conversing in type form. I fumble and I come across differently than intended. People don't warm up to me unless we have deep, one-on-one conversations (via messaging or email) that let me write in a more creative and meaningful style.


However, like many INFJs, I write beautifully when I am writing creatively, writing essays (such as for school), or letters of any kind. I am a published author, and at school I passed with flying colors whenever we had to write. There were times in school (before college) when my writing earned me A's even if I didn't read the material.

I cannot transfer that skill to conversational typing. I'm not that good at conversation, especially chat. Social media/forum conversations are the same.

It's hopeless.

Do you relate?

How do you make it work?

What are your thoughts and feelings on this conversation/written word INFJ dilemma?)

Please feel free to laugh along with me.

 

[Siimplicity]

well, FB can make anyone feel like that. ick I'm sorry. at least you were nice enough to take the time to leave a comment.

I guess, when I am reading posts and comments, I look within the context to find the feeling behind the type. I can usually tell, but I had an instance here where I thought someone was serious and they were only teasing...looking back it was obvious and I had to look inside myself to see what made me miss that.

I say, make all of your writing creative... whenever you can. try not to differentiate. maybe try to frame the words out of the feeling you want to convey to the reader

it's hard for me to have conversations, too, though..for me verbally, i can't get the words out very well under the pressure of my own awkwardness-- lol it can really get in the way.

(for that same reason, lately here, I admit I've been reading far more than posting. ie lurking...ew gotta stop it)

am I being coherent...? helpful? hopeless?

for what it's worth, you've got a good shot at being understood here at least. and I have enjoyed reading what you have to say =)

 

[Night Owl]

I understand your plight.

Due to an exacerbated prudence - not wanting to bother with people misinterpreting what I say and having to deal with that - I've given up commenting on posts on FB altogether, except for the once in a blue moon one liner or pun drops. Very, very rarely will I respond to a post in my feed asking for opinions or explanations on a particular point. I generally avoid expressing opinions on FB as FB is not conducive to dialogue - as a platform for dialogue it's very limited. It often seems like a fruitless and vain venture when I do otherwise. However when I do write an opinion (i.e. on a topic) I tend to write carefully and in an ultra sensitive manner to cover all bases of attack, so as to disarm those who may want to argue back and forth (i.e. "this is just my opinion, I respect other views and I'm happy if others disagree..."). This generally works.

I save interpersonal interaction to FB messaging, as that can be done so in an email/letter style - much less margin for misunderstanding. I find people are more attentive in actually reading what one writes when it's a message, as opposed to a FB post or comment. I now use FB like a public cafe. I go into it a couple of times a day, read the paper on the table, have a little look around, interact with a few people on occasion, and have a deep and meaningful every now and then with a fellow patron.

 

[Sandie33]

Objectivity VS Subjectivity

I find it's safe to assume that as long as I remind myself that I am responsible for what I say not what someone hears there is no margin for misunderstandings. If the person I'm talking/typing with misunderstands than they are responsible to speak up and ask if they receieved my message correctly. If they don't I assume that they took it the way it was intended.

Facebook is funzone 101 for me. I post all sorts of whacky stuff for fun. I don't follow the newsfeed...I'm a poster not a troller...lol.

 

[invisible]

I quit Farcebook out of pure disgust but I went back there because one of my teachers absolutely required it to pass a unit of work (bizarre I know... I would make a formal complaint if I could be bothered) and I stayed on it because another one of my teachers suggested that it is indispensable to a professional career.

After reading a transcript of a speech given some years ago by danah boyd at SXSW on privacy and publicity I'm pretty conscious of what I post on there. I rule my wall with an iron fist.

Apart from that, I don't take it too seriously. It's pretty great for staying in touch with people! It's also just Facebook, a steaming corporate shit pile of social hit and run that is no more deep or meaningful than crap talk at the pub. How can I possibly care about a place where a cool article I share gets 2 likes and the repetitious selfies of some long haired blue eyed guy I used to work with gets tens of likes? If people are wanting to get all involved in it, I let them go at it. But I do myself the favour of saving the serious chats for another time! It's fun to see all the things people post, their interests and opinions... But the only way I get anything out of it is if I don't take it too seriously!

 

[Bellosome]

I'm not with conversations. I literally make things awkward for other people. I tend to choose the wrong words and convey the message badly. Specially when in an argument. It's just TERRIBLE.

I rarely use facebook. Social media for me is just full of crap,(except here, i learn something here though) i use it to connect with my friends/family overseas. I comment only to those who know me well enough to know what i say and mean.

Writing on the other hand... I tend to convey what i truly feel when i write poems, but anger and hurt are my strong emotions which i think enables me to write a decent piece. I rarely write when im feeling good.

Overall though, after trying and meeting people both in real life and online, i don't really let anything bother me anymore. Because i learned that no matter how i say things, everyone will interpret it differently.

 

[invisible]

I think that ... people we know can generally be trusted to understand that misunderstandings are inherent to these forms of communication and to be forgiving. If not they aren't worth worrying about!!!

 

[Wyote]

For as long as I can remember I have been misunderstood/misinterpreted online at various times. I struggle with this often because things that I say tend to have some sort of underlying meaning or referential humor, which is not necessarily understood by everyone. I have the same problem in person until whoever I am talking to understands that I am an entirely unserious person in spite of my unintended serious persona. Me being serious is deadly serious, very obvious and makes people die upon hearing my verbal utterances of acerbity.

On social media, being genuine is often times met with strange reactions. Everyone develops some sort of agenda or way of operating and I am pretty much completely averse to this so I think I am probably the most confusing social media user out there. I'll post a lot about one topic and then get annoyed with myself and change it up. I'll be super nice to everyone and get annoyed with myself and then be a dick for a while. I'll be super active and then a complete ghost. Basically, I try as hard as I can to be a social media rebel, because fuck the system.

I'm an excellent writer. I was in accelerated English and AP English and got all As and I am a published author. But online I really don't give a shit because if you are too proper people don't like you (I don't even like me that way). It's all about what platform you are on and how to convey your message so that people will accept it. Nobody likes stuffy proper shit unless they are reading something to feel like they are an intellectual. They like rebellion and fuckin things up cuz it's cool to be an instigator, as long as you have a sensitive side, which I do because I'm awesome.

Conversationally, well I'm as good as you are. I match people in every sense. I can keep pace with the fastest strutting extrovert and I can have a calm fireside coffee chat. I prefer the calm, but I can get super amped up about things if the conversation is interesting and kind spirited. One on one I am king, walking away from pretty much every conversation on great terms, but as soon as there are multiple people my brain goes too much into overdrive and I start fucking up all kinds of bad. I'll shut down or let people dominate or just struggle to find appropriate wording. The better I know every person the less prone to these things I am.

 

[invisible]

It would be awesome to hear about the published work of you guys some time in the future.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

I don't have time to write more now, but this is a perfect example of what happens in my head vs. real life when I try to communicate.

 

[Asa]

Haha, @Milktoast Bandit. (((Turns beet red with embarrassment for TV show characters.)))



I relate to so many of these posts, especially @Wyote. Yes! All of that.


@invisible - Thank you. I don't feel comfortable yet revealing my true identity. Though, at some point I will be forced to share my work because I'm so curious to read the work of other members, and we need to be fair.


I whole-heartedly agree with everyone who said so that FB is not a constructive place and posting/commenting is not a good idea. My plan is to step away from it when I move, partially because I will be too busy, partially because my internet service won't be as good, and partially because FB is like the late hours of a kegger - a sloppy mess of un-researched opinions and rampant emotions where half the people are trying to ramble on about interests nobody else cares about and the other half are looking for a fight. Also, grown up people act like children on FB.
I do enjoy photo-based SM much more. No conversations, lots of interesting things to look at.

I'm going to post images and updates for work and that is it.

I do genuinely care how people interpret my words. I don't want to hurt my friends' feelings, or anger them, and my reputation is important to me. My social and work network are the same people, so letting people interpret my words however they like, when they are taking them completely the wrong way, is bad for business. It’s best for me to hone the skill of conveying what I intend. (And saying/posting less is key to this.)

 

[invisible]

Maybe. I do totally get the professional and brand angle. You have to manage it how it works best for you. But I just think there are always going to be occasions of confusion. Language is a fickle, slippery, brittle, tangled beast. Especially englishes. It is so incredibly messy that surely there has to be some possibility of laughter from out of its chaos. ;-)

 

[sassafras]

I tried to be mindful of tone when I'm writing. I don't know if I really succeed or claim to be some kind of expert, but when I type, I type in a voice. It just makes it easier. I throw in a bit of personalisms like jokes or curious turns of phrases, an illustrative adjective or complicate things with a whole bunch of commas and stretch my sentences to indicate a messy train of thought, emphasizing the human over the formal grammar. I find that the cut and dry kind of writing, the sort of thing that could pass in a business email or a school essay, always, always comes across as cold. Short hand text speak comes across as childish and artificial. Too many five dollar words, and you come across as a pretentious SOB.

When in doubt, though, I resort to emojis. It's a cop out but hey, better than hurting someone feelings. Doesn't cost me anything to stick in a smilie face or a wink if I want to keep it simple but want to be sure they know I'm not being curt.

 

[Asa]

As soon as I try to add humor the whole ship sinks. It could have to do w/ many people perceiving me as a serious person. People who know me well (and understand my humor and my lighthearted tone) "get it", but I don't know many people super well. I'm just going to stop commenting on posts. And stop posting anything conversational on my own page.
I also feel like I should wear a warning label, 'Awkward Conversationalist'.
or
"Will un-intentially hurt your feelings with a single sentence because conversation is not my strong point. But you're really rad. I don't mean that in a creepy way. Fuck. Awkward now."

 

[sassafras]

As soon as I try to add humor the whole ship sinks. It could have to do w/ many people perceiving me as a serious person. People who know me well (and understand my humor and my lighthearted tone) "get it", but I don't know many people super well. I'm just going to stop commenting on posts. And stop posting anything conversational on my own page.
I also feel like I should wear a warning label, 'Awkward Conversationalist'.
or
"Will un-intentially hurt your feelings with a single sentence because conversation is not my strong point. But you're really rad. I don't mean that in a creepy way. Fuck. Awkward now."

Is it the one person mistaking your tone that's colouring this whole thing or has this happened more than a handful of times? How do you know that other people 'don't get it'? Could it be that you're maybe looking at it from the expectation that you're awkward/people think you're awkward? Is it possible that maybe the couple of people that gave you the impression are the problem?

I mean, I've been interacting with you and reading your posts on the forum for a couple of months now and I never once thought, 'geez, that Asa is a total awkward conversationalist.' I assure you, I found nothing that stood out in your writing that would tip me off that you were somehow stranger than anyone else. Why would anyone on Facebook have a different impression?

 

[Asa]

Thanks, @atree
Because they freak out about what I say and tell me why, and we end up having PM's about it. Then, they end up going from being angry with me, to apologizing and confessing all their life problems. Every. Time.



In general, I don't think it is unusual for many types of introverts to engage in conversational faux pas that play out like unintentional slapstick. I'm not always super, super awkward, but I really can be at times.

 

[sassafras]

Thanks, @atree
Because they freak out about what I say and tell me why, and we end up having PM's about it. Then, they end up going from being angry with me, to apologizing and confessing all their life problems. Every. Time.

Here or on Facebook?

What do they get angry about? Do they assume you're being callous/don't care, are being rude, etc? Do these people have anything in common? I.E maybe they're a bit sensitive/have a history of reading into things?

I just think it's a pretty big leap to categorically write yourself off as something when clearly, you're doing just fine on the forums. Maybe it's just something that needs a bit of tweaking? Maybe you're a bit more nervous about posting on some mediums over others. The fact that the people who have freaked out on you tell you 'why' is a good start. Do you see any patterns?

 

[Asa]

Thanks, @atree .
This never happens to you?
The pattern is mostly that I am not good at things and stuff.

I do have an aversion to people who try too hard to be charming and schmoozy ("I see right through you"), so maybe I've been subconsciously clinging to being the opposite.

 

[sassafras]

Thanks, @atree .
This never happens to you?
The pattern is mostly that I am not good at things and stuff.

I do have an aversion to people who try too hard to be charming and schmoozy ("I see right through you"), so maybe I've been subconsciously clinging to being the opposite.

Sure it does!

I've had people misinterpret what I've posted on social media. I've had people misinterpret what I've posted on the forums before too. Sometimes grossly so. I've had PM fights with people over innocuous comments I've made in passing. It happens. That's the medium. When you don't see people's facial expressions, don't hear the tone in people's voices, and perhaps not fully understand that context, there's always room for misinterpretation. Happens to a lot of people. Especially online when people are suddenly faced with their own insecurities and worries and may react to what you've written through that filter. And don't get me started on people who aren't native English speakers. It's more difficult online than offline sometimes because so much context is missing.

Sometimes people misinterpret me in real life too. Lost out on a lot of business opportunities that way. Oops. Made a mistake. Sometimes we cleared it up, sometimes it couldn't be salvaged because people are damn stubborn. Would labeling myself as awkward and no-good at this sort of thing help me make more mistakes or less in the future, do you think?

I don't mean to be putting you on the spot here, Asa. Just want to make sure you're not beating yourself up for something that is common to a lot of people and unfairly attaching a negative label to yourself. I mean, you yourself said that once you clarify things, people really open up and tell you their life story. You must be doing something right to inspire that kind of trust and connection. *That*, I can tell you with confidence, is not a gift that many people have. That's some master communication there.

On a side note, because I am genuinely curious, what's trying too hard to be charming and schmoozy in your view? What if an alternative perspective is them trying to be friendly and looking to make a connection and you're writing them off?

 

[Asa]

I do think a lot of people can relate to these moments, possibly introverts are more prone to it and INFJs are known for being terrible conversationalists (unless we're having a heart-to-heart), but excelling at creative writing. That's why I posted. I thought it was a "relatable" experience.

My ENFP friend can relate to. He is a natural comic, though, and turns everything hilarious. He embraces awkwardness so much that it puts everyone at ease.

Schmoozing: I don't write people off easily, even if I strongly disagree with them. I just don't want a "sales pitch", whether it is selling ideas, themselves, experiences, or actual products.
There is no rule that charming people are manipulative and people who are awkward and seem sincere are not. It depends on what I see beneath the glitz or the fumbling. Some people are naturally charming without effort, and I really like this about them. I just don't like it painted on to convince me of something.

A lot of my friends live far-away, and our relationships are mostly as penpals (because one of us has moved, or we met on tour, or something) and I take extreme care not to write the wrong thing, but even then a mis-worded sentence can lead to a few emails of, "WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT??!!!!" It doesn't help when we don't share the same first language.
Overall, I just wish I could convey my thoughts and tone better in casual conversation and I forget this is a weakness because I am a writer.