Confused over a straight INFJ | INFJ Forum

Confused over a straight INFJ

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by juju1, Jul 29, 2020.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 7 users.
More threads by juju1
  1. juju1

    juju1 Lucky

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    7
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    423
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    xNFP
    hi.

    I need someone to help me with this, I am slowly driving myself insane over what is probably nothing, but I need someone to explain this INFJ behaviour to me.

    I work at a coffee shop. In March a woman I had never seen before came in. I served her, it was a very brief interaction but I could not stop smiling after she left. I am a bi woman. She is gorgeous, so its no surprise I enjoyed serving her, but the interaction felt different somehow.

    Anyway, after that she started coming into the shop almost every day (it is close to where she works). Our conversations became longer. If I was busy but other staff were available she would wait until I was free so she could speak to me. I started getting the feeling that maybe she was gay/bi and liked me. I think on the third or fourth day she came in she said she felt like she'd known me forever.

    A few weeks later the government announced all cafes/bars had to close indefinitely on the upcoming Friday. Friday she came into the shop. I was sad and she was too. We exchanged numbers to keep in touch and she told me I better not forget about her.

    From then we started texting daily, sometimes all day. This is when I started to learn a lot more about her and also learned she was married (and presumably straight) but I was like whatever, Im happy for us to have a friendship at least. I told her about my sexuality and she seemed fine about it but the convo changed quite quickly and she hasn't mentioned it since. She started opening up to me about all sorts of stuff like her childhood, some bad things that happened in her past, her family issues. We also got onto the topic of MBTI and she told me shes INFJ and basically that she is normally super private with stuff like that but feels comfortable telling me for some reason.

    This is the point where I basically started to fall for her. Ive never met anyone quite like her, so mysterious and cryptic yet so warm, so confident in who she is and her values but so shy and sometimes insecure... I am just endlessly fascinated by her.

    So anyway we stayed like that texting almost every day and calling sometimes until my place re opened around 3 weeks ago. This was mostly initiated by her but sometimes she would go quiet for a few days and I would leave her for a bit cause we have had discussions about her needing alone time which I can completely relate to. I would then send a check in text after a few days and she goes straight back to normal messaging me a few times a day.

    First day of my place opening we agreed a specific time for her to come so we could see each other and talk for a while. I was quite nervous as it was my first time seeing her since realising I liked her. I kept the convo quite trivial which is unlike our usual conversations, mainly because I kind of forgot how to act around her and didn't want to say anything stupid or that would give away my feelings lmfao. Straight after she left, she texted me saying I seemed nervous... which, fair enough I was, but that's not the kind of thing I would say to a friend really? But don't know if Im reading into it too much. I changed the subject and she didn't push.

    She seems quite protective of me. My sister is an INFJ so I have some experience with them, and they share some similar traits, like obsessing over solving my problems and finding ways to make my life better. INFJ coffee woman for example, when I tell her I like a specific genre of music she will bombard me with song recommendations she thinks I might like. I have anxiety problems and shes always sending me sh*t like what kinds of nuts I can eat to help my brain and stuff like that lol. I was having trouble starting my car one day and mentioned possibly wanting a new one and within half an hour she had found loads of possible replacements for me and was offering to drive me round to check them all out.

    So on the one hand I think her behaviour can easily be explained by this, basically shes found a 'project' ie someone she can help, which could explain why she opened up to me so quickly and things like that. Shes a little older than me, she has a full time career whereas im still studying and have a part time cafe job... so she possibly sees herself as being my guide sort of thing. That fits in with what I've read about INFJs. She has also done things like pointing out 'cute' male coworkers to me and asking why I don't try it with them because Ive been single for a while which I don't think she would do if she liked me.

    But on the other hand there's just a feeling I can't shake, Ive never had a friendship like this with any of my female friends, especially not so quickly. Our conversations are just... on a completely different level, I can't explain it. She is always saying how intelligent and unique she thinks I am.. which again I don't think anyone has ever said to me apart from ex partners. We talk about these things all the time like how lucky we were to have met and stuff. I really like her and its gotten to the point where I've stopped trying to hide my smile when I see her to be honest, cause I am just so happy to be seeing her again after being away for so long. The way she smiles at me too is just so intense, no one has ever looked at me like that but again I don't know If that's just an INFJ thing. The eye contact lasts so long too and I just melt. And I think, there is no way in hell shes seeing the way Im smiling/looking at her, and thinks it's completely normal. She is a really intelligent person. And she seems happy in her relationship from the limited info shes given me about it so surely if she thought I was getting the wrong idea she would say something. Or maybe she just enjoys the attention, I really don't know.

    Can someone please make sense of this... I domnt know if Im just misreading the whole thing. Is there anything I can do to confirm her stance without directly asking? Also what should I do, is it immoral for me to continue the friendship knowing I like her? If she was single I would just bite the bullet and tell her but obviously can't do that. But think its gone too far now for me to just cut the friendship off, she knows where I work and we text every day. Sorry for erratic typing and formatting
     
    Asa, Aneirin and Reason like this.
  2. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
    Staff Member Administrator

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2008
    Threads:
    242
    Messages:
    36,516
    Featured Threads:
    19
    Likes Received:
    195,901
    Trophy Points:
    4,271
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    Ni Space
    Enneagram:
    9 Seas
    INFJs will make you feel special once they've let you into their life.
    She just cares about you a lot, and shows it.
    You know pursuing anything further is inappropriate and if she wanted anything like that she'd move in that direction.
    Don't get involved in an entanglement, it's bad for you both.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Mistical Ocean, juju1, slant and 6 others like this.
  3. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
    Donor

    Joined:
    May 29, 2011
    Threads:
    16
    Messages:
    5,823
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    24,874
    Trophy Points:
    2,491
    Location:
    home
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    type 4w5
    She likes you and is comfortable with and around you. Do not sexualize it, that is not what this is about. I have a very close INFJ friend, female. . we are closer than any two people I know. . she is married, I am getting married. . we are friends, and that is what you have here. .it you try to go beyond that she will walk away
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Mistical Ocean, juju1, slant and 6 others like this.
  4. acd

    acd Well-known member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Threads:
    143
    Messages:
    15,354
    Featured Threads:
    11
    Likes Received:
    34,768
    Trophy Points:
    1,387
    MBTI:
    infp
    Enneagram:
    9w8 sp/sx
    No.
     
    Reason, flower, mintoots and 3 others like this.
  5. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    78
    Messages:
    7,422
    Featured Threads:
    24
    Likes Received:
    44,809
    Trophy Points:
    2,481
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    5
    This was interesting to read because The OP @juju1 seems to be fascinated by some INFJ behaviors that others seem to think are awkward or unusual.

    The INFJ appears to want nothing more than a friendship and that is the end of it. Do not push it, or you'll ruin the friendship. However, it's almost guaranteed that she knows your feelings, and her initial interactions were classic flirtations (even "lines"). She must know this, even though she didn't technically mean it that way. Why? She had to know why you were nervous when she asked.

    I think this is a woman thing, more than an INFJ thing, but she is benefiting from your crush somehow. It isn't unusual for women to keep friendships with people they know are attracted to them and have zero intention of ever crossing a line, or allowing that line to be crossed. In your case, she seems to be dancing with fire, though, and I'm curious about her reasons. Perhaps she merely needs an ego boost because she has self-esteem issues. Perhaps there really is trouble in her marriage that she isn't speaking of, and she needs an escapism fantasy. Perhaps she has a crush on you, OP, but doesn't intend to act on it.

    She genuinely likes you as a friend. Aside from the flirtations that initially confused you, her behavior seems in line with typical INFJ behavior when they care about a friend. My closest friendships with women are similar: supportive, complementary, deep, complete security/reassurance when talking about any topic no matter how strange, helpfulness/problem solving, and a lot of reciprocated, "I love you" and "you mean the world to me", as well as calling each other "sister".
     
    Mistical Ocean, juju1, Reason and 5 others like this.
  6. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
    Staff Member Administrator

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2008
    Threads:
    242
    Messages:
    36,516
    Featured Threads:
    19
    Likes Received:
    195,901
    Trophy Points:
    4,271
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    Ni Space
    Enneagram:
    9 Seas
    I think the thing that throws people off the most about INFJs is this sort of fearless way of caring about people.
    At first glace it seems like this stoic type awkward person wouldn't be about that.
    And once it starts happening (to/for the INFJs friend) they are thrown off a bit and also unaccustomed to being cared for in such ways.
    Which is a damn shame really.

    ISFJs operate similarly but it's executed in a methodical way which is almost kind of more comfortable/humorous.
    Secondary Fe is really funny.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  7. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2017
    Threads:
    32
    Messages:
    11,067
    Featured Threads:
    24
    Likes Received:
    42,989
    Trophy Points:
    3,101
    MBTI:
    ENTJ
    Enneagram:
    3w4, 3-8-7
    I would just rush things after a bit of conversation, "relationship, friendship, or hook-up" would be my question.

    Life is too short for confusion and it's better to focus on things that produce tangible gains.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Reason, flower, Asa and 1 other person like this.
  8. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2017
    Threads:
    32
    Messages:
    11,067
    Featured Threads:
    24
    Likes Received:
    42,989
    Trophy Points:
    3,101
    MBTI:
    ENTJ
    Enneagram:
    3w4, 3-8-7
    It's better to be straightforward with dates than not because our time is so valuable, limited too.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Mistical Ocean, Wyote and flower like this.
  9. slant

    slant Ruboobie

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    338
    Messages:
    10,617
    Featured Threads:
    41
    Likes Received:
    18,298
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    ENFP
    Enneagram:
    6-4-9
    Recently someone told me:

    Write down what you want to happen. If exactly what you wanted could happen, write it down as a story.

    I didn't want to do it initially because I was afraid that it would lead to further unhealthy fantasizing, but interestingly enough when I wrote the story, and she told me to be realistic based on the other person, include their faults and how they would become a part of the story,

    Well I wrote the story and realized that what I wanted in the end was actually no different than what we currently had. Which was really fucking confusing, actually, because I had spent 9 months fantasizing about being with this person. But when I went through the story of how it would happen and what the end result would be, we still somehow ended up as friends. That close spiritual bond was still there and the intimacy just without explicit sexual intimacy.

    What I realized was that for me, It had never been about this person... Also an infj coincidentally. My issue was that I didn't want it to be because of me that we weren't together. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But once I realized it was never because of me or who I am, suddenly my heart opened up because I knew eventually I'll find sexual companionship and this companionship isn't it, but it's still enjoyable.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Mistical Ocean, juju1, flower and 6 others like this.
  10. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
    Staff Member Administrator

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2008
    Threads:
    242
    Messages:
    36,516
    Featured Threads:
    19
    Likes Received:
    195,901
    Trophy Points:
    4,271
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    Ni Space
    Enneagram:
    9 Seas
    That's a good exercise. Often the things we think we want are just things we think we can't have.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  11. thbxhs

    thbxhs Community Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2020
    Threads:
    9
    Messages:
    285
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2,228
    Trophy Points:
    997
    Gender:
    Female
    Sometimes it’s really hard as a woman to make good and true friends. If I find one, especially a female because as an INTP female it’s kinda tough, I get really happy. I pay a lot of attention and like spending time on her. It’s not sexual. It may be that I was never close to my older sister and I wanted a sister really bad. If she is really beautiful and thoughtful- even tougher.

    Here’s the deal- say she does have a mural crush- I don’t think she does- but for argument let’s imagine. She is happy married. You will destroy both of you by trying to pursue it. One or both of you will screw up your lives. It has zero chance of turning out well- zero.

    this isn’t what you want to hear, but embrace the friendship and appreciate it. Appreciate her for what she has offered you and enjoy that. Go on some dates to lessen the dopamine spike you feel when you miss her or are waiting to see her. Find new focus. It’s hard because I am sure you don’t want to- but do what you need to to shift her into your friend zone.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    slant, flower, Sorn and 3 others like this.
  12. Sometimes Yeah

    Sometimes Yeah Community Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2020
    Threads:
    13
    Messages:
    278
    Featured Threads:
    7
    Likes Received:
    751
    Trophy Points:
    837
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    Intj
    She's married.
     
    Mistical Ocean, thbxhs, acd and 2 others like this.
  13. OP
    juju1

    juju1 Lucky

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    7
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    423
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    xNFP
    That makes a lot of sense @Wyote, I definitely relate to what you said. Can you give any more real life examples of how Fe manifests? I've had a casual interest in MBTI for a long time but only recently learned about functions and to be honest I struggle to apply what I have read to real life situations.
     
    Wyote likes this.
  14. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
    Staff Member Administrator

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2008
    Threads:
    242
    Messages:
    36,516
    Featured Threads:
    19
    Likes Received:
    195,901
    Trophy Points:
    4,271
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    Ni Space
    Enneagram:
    9 Seas
    It depends on where Fe lands in a person's/type's stack. For INFJ/ISFJ Fe is in the second slot, so they use Fe to navigate and orient themselves.
    We enjoy helping others in real and practical ways and feel fulfilled when we are able to do that effectively/successfully.

    I don't think you should necessarily "apply" this stuff to your life. It's a bit like just having some extra sign posts in life.
    Some people are more introverted or extroverted and it's good to know how to better engage with each.
    Same with the whole function stack really. If you spot people who use certain functions more heavily, you can learn to understand how they operate better.
    But it's best not to assume a person's type. Just go by what you observe generally and react/respond/tread lightly.
    Know the opposite side of the coin is also helpful. INFJs can be obsessive and perfectionistic,
    so if you see them getting lost in such things they'll probably benefit from being gently moved away from those traps.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    juju1 and thbxhs like this.
  15. thbxhs

    thbxhs Community Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2020
    Threads:
    9
    Messages:
    285
    Featured Threads:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2,228
    Trophy Points:
    997
    Gender:
    Female
    I came here to learn about INFJs. Every time you speak I feel like I’m starting to get it.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Wyote likes this.
  16. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
    Staff Member Administrator

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2008
    Threads:
    242
    Messages:
    36,516
    Featured Threads:
    19
    Likes Received:
    195,901
    Trophy Points:
    4,271
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    Ni Space
    Enneagram:
    9 Seas
    Thanks :) I'm here to serve
    [​IMG]
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  17. OP
    juju1

    juju1 Lucky

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    7
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    423
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    xNFP

    That is really helpful advice, thank you. I have tried to do something similar in my head to be honest, I pretty much sat myself down one day and said ok, you have to stop thinking about this because its never going to go anywhere, and here are the reasons why. Though I suppose I focused mainly on the real life obstacles rather than character flaws or anything like that. I will try to do what you suggested. I actually kind of go through phases with the whole thing. Our interactions are cyclical almost. There will be days or weeks where I barely think about the situation, and I suppose I act quite nonchalant towards her in our interactions which I think she picks up on because she pulls back a bit. And then a cluster of days will come along where I feel like being more open and our conversation and interactions become a lot longer and/or more intense and that's what sets my feelings and brain off.

    I said to another poster, Ive been interested in MBTI for a long time but I don't know much about functions. My tests fluctuate between INFP and ENFP so im not entirely sure what I am but I know I have strong Ne either way right? So, im starting to think that the reason I have feelings or the reason I feel like I have feelings is because I am so used to analysing people - whenever I meet a new person, friend, coworker whatever, I involuntarily start building a psychological profile of them in my head. Hope that doesn't come off weird but I do. And with most people after a few interactions I start to feel like I have a fairly good understanding of them and what the underlying motives to their behaviours are. I can anticipate their reactions to pretty much situation or comment, and I usually feel like I have a fairly good idea of what is going through someones head at any particular time. I think a lot of my fascination with this person comes from the fact I can't figure her out. I feel like most people are so easy to read and predict once you know a few things about them but my lord, its almost 5 months on and its still like every day is a complete surprise. She sometimes jokes about being a 'unicorn' and how I won't meet anyone else like her which I honestly believe, or at least not for a long time anyway. So maybe its more to do with that, I see her as a challenge, an intellectual pursuit of sorts, and because I like to have everything figured out and I can't figure her out its what keeps me coming back for more and gives me this sense of infatuation or addiction. I dont know.
     
    Wyote likes this.
  18. OP
    juju1

    juju1 Lucky

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    7
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    423
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    xNFP
    Thank you for responding. I appreciate your comment. What you said is very interesting because I made a female INTP friend (confirmed by test, as is the INFJ) when I started uni and your description rings really true. While our friendship was slower of a burn than with my INFJ friend, it was clear that once we became friends, my INTP friend had so much time for me and my interests. For example when she found out I speak another language she became really interested in listening to music and watching shows involving that language which I found really sweet. And she always has time for me and is always asking to hang out together, even early on in our friendship despite her being super shy. And yeah I never read anything into her behaviour more than friendship, at all.

    I would say that the main difference between my friendship with my INTP friend and INFJ friend is that I have known the INTP for 2 years and the INFJ for just under 5 months and I already know a hell of a lot more about the INFJ than I do the INTP. My INFJ friend claims to be so private and introverted yet shes told me quite a lot of personal and sensitive things. Meanwhile, the INTP who I have spent a lot more 1 on 1 time with, is a lot more guarded and reserved. There is still so much about her past, her family etc that I do not know. I only get that kind of info out of her when shes drunk and even then its minimal. Really interesting to make the comparison actually but I suppose T are naturally more guarded than F?
     
    Wyote likes this.
  19. OP
    juju1

    juju1 Lucky

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    7
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    423
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    xNFP
    Yes and that is exactly why I would never mention any of this directly to her or try anything, I hope that's not the impression I gave. If this happened to me a year ago I highly doubt I would even have the inclination to post about it. However, over the past 9 months Ive had 2 incidents of people saying they have feelings for me. Both of these people were 'straight' women in long term relationships with men. The first one I had an inkling about, but the second one took me completely by surprise as I never would have thought in a million years they would be remotely interested in any woman, let alone me. So admittedly these events may have impacted my perception of this situation and I suppose my perception of womens sexuality in general, which I previously believed to be very black and white. I am like 95% sure the person in question is not interested, but I just mean that my recent experiences probably made me have a different outlook on the situation and possible explanations, than what it would have been a year ago.
     
    Wyote likes this.
  20. OP
    juju1

    juju1 Lucky

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    7
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    423
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    xNFP
    I would never try to go beyond it. But I do sometimes consider confessing to her when I get overwhelmed. Like, some mornings if I'm expecting her to come into the shop and she doesn't, or is later than usual, then every time I see a person moving past the window in my peripheral vision, im flipping my head to see if its her. And getting disappointed every time it isn't. And then I think Jesus Christ I cant keep going on like this, its absolutely pathetic. So I have considered telling her in the hope it will scare her off and stop her coming in and talking to me and therefore resolve my problem.
     
    Aneirin and Wyote like this.
Loading...

Share This Page