Communicating Emotional Concepts to the Intj | INFJ Forum

Communicating Emotional Concepts to the Intj

grapefruit

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Jul 19, 2011
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What if you are trying to tell an Intj that you feel a certain way or explain the emotional factors that went into making a decision? How would you do it so an Intj could understand? I know Intjs have emotions, and I think they at least have the ability to understand where someone is coming from emotionally, but how can you tap into that ability? Also, since the Intjs I know have trouble picking up on subtle things like facial expression, how can you communicate things like happiness or annoyance without telling them straight out and making it awkward.
 
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Most of my communication on a day to day basis is with INTJ males. They tend to be the people I am most open with about everything that I think and feel though I do tend to adapt my communication style in such a way that confusion is limited. I do think that they can pick up on emotions or at the very least understand that what you are talking about is personal and if they know you well enough or have their Feelings side developed well enough they can have a conversation with you about it, but generally I find they are solutions driven and aren't prone to comforting or reciprocating in an emotional way unless you tap into something that they have a lot of empathy for lol.

I think INTJ's appreciate subtleties but I think that they appreciate honesty and directness more. For me, I'd rather not have to lay it all out there and just allow things to be understood but it's also a good exercise for me to be upfront and is liberating in a way. I think sometimes you just have to do yourself and the INTJ a favour by being direct. The more they get to know your emotional side I think the more they'll be able to pick up on it in the future. I think they kind of catalogue it in a sort of "If this, then that" sort of way, so over time they get better at it.
 
Yep. Directness is key.

"I feel ____, and I need/want ____."

Experience then makes it easier to understand what's going on and act accordingly.
 
Yep. Directness is key.

"I feel ____, and I need/want ____."

Experience then makes it easier to understand what's going on and act accordingly.

I feel so awkward being direct. I suppose I like the Intj for giving me emotional space, finding me too detached when I want to be alone, and embracing my warped sense of humor, but there is something about my feelings that just won't let me put them on the table like that even though I really want to. One time, I was in this situation, and my interpretation of it was unfavorable from a logical `standpoint, but more justified from an emotional stand point. This Intj and I got to discussing it, and I basically allowed this person who was only coming from a logical stand point call me thoughtless and egotistical. I tried to express how I felt, but the words just wouldn't come. With most people, I would have gotten annoyed, putting in my side immediately, but for some reason, I just felt terrible that I hadn't been clear enough with this person, and spent several weeks hoping vehemently that my inability to fully express myself hadn't tarnished what I perceived to be a friendly standing. I still can't really tell because it doesn't seem like anything has changed between us, but at least the urgency has dissipated. I just want to avoid similar occurrences.
 
@grapefruit Though I don't know if I can really help you out here, I understand how you feel. My father is an INTJ, and I think you accurately described the sort of struggle that many people can have trying to communicate feelings with them.

I find that releasing any really strong emotional responses first, then coming back to them later when you've calmed down and can communicate more objectively helps. I think if you don't really understand yourself or can explain your own emotions, it can be hard for anyone to understand you, but especially INTJ sort of folk.
 
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@grapefruit Though I don't know if I can really help you out here, I understand how you feel. My father is an INTJ, and I think you accurately described the sort of struggle that many people can have trying to communicate feelings with them.

I find that releasing any really strong emotional responses first, then coming back to them later when you've calmed down and can communicate more objectively helps. I think if you don't really understand yourself or can explain your own emotions, it can be hard for anyone to understand you, but especially INTJ sort of folk.

This Intj was a friend, and thank goodness the person was only trying to interpret the situation rather than having actually been involved because then I would really need some way for fast and easy communication. Also, I have noticed that despite joking a lot, when I make a joke, my Intj friend seems to take it very literally. I have never asked about this, but others have made similar observations and asked about it, and they say the Intj becomes quiet and unresponsive. Additionally, this Intj doesn't seem to be able to tell when people are uncomfortable or annoyed until they have reached the peak of their frustration. Many think of this person as arrogant, belittling, and boring to talk to do to a perceived lack of interest in others including me at first and still including a close Infj friend, but now I know the person who despite being blunt and exacting has proven to be extremely nice, funny, interesting, observant, and tolerant. This leads me to believe that rather than a lack of caring, there is simply an ineptitude with picking up and responding to emotions, but I don't know of a polite way to ask to know for sure even though this question is taxing my mostly un-satiated curiosity.
 
What if you are trying to tell an Intj that you feel a certain way or explain the emotional factors that went into making a decision? How would you do it so an Intj could understand? I know Intjs have emotions, and I think they at least have the ability to understand where someone is coming from emotionally, but how can you tap into that ability? Also, since the Intjs I know have trouble picking up on subtle things like facial expression, how can you communicate things like happiness or annoyance without telling them straight out and making it awkward.


Actually, in my experience I found that it's the INTJs who would be most understanding if you made a decision based on personal values or emotions. Because they can separate between logic and emotion, they know that it's possible for emotions to overrule logic, especially when it comes to personal principles. The NFJs kind of disagree strongly and try to impose their values onto you, and I think it's because their logic is their emotions or that the two are entangled together or something like that. Not all of them of course, it's just the experience with NTJs in that aspect has been more consistent for me than the one with NFJs. NFJs tend to question those very same emotions you are trying to convey. Personally, I find that worse because emotions and sentiments are privy to the person. (I feel like I am going to offend someone with this, I'm sorry).


INTJs might not cater to that emotion or agree with you on the principle but will acknowledge it and leave you alone. I think INTJs are capable of picking up on subtitles like body language and facial expressions. What they won't do is draw conclusions from just that or infer, and so they wait for you to articulate it explicitly so that there is no room for misjudgment.


The awkwardness is on your part. You need to learn how to communicate your feelings clearly. It's not easy, I can understand that, but it's necessary, nobody is ever going to know what's on your mind or in your heart better than you do.
 
Actually, in my experience I found that it's the INTJs who would be most understanding if you made a decision based on personal values or emotions. Because they can separate between logic and emotion, they know that it's possible for emotions to overrule logic, especially when it comes to personal principles. The NFJs kind of disagree strongly and try to impose their values onto you, and I think it's because their logic is their emotions or that the two are entangled together or something like that. Not all of them of course, it's just the experience with NTJs in that aspect has been more consistent for me than the one with NFJs. NFJs tend to question those very same emotions you are trying to convey. Personally, I find that worse because emotions and sentiments are privy to the person. (I feel like I am going to offend someone with this, I'm sorry).


INTJs might not cater to that emotion or agree with you on the principle but will acknowledge it and leave you alone. I think INTJs are capable of picking up on subtitles like body language and facial expressions. What they won't do is draw conclusions from just that or infer, and so they wait for you to articulate it explicitly so that there is no room for misjudgment.


The awkwardness is on your part. You need to learn how to communicate your feelings clearly. It's not easy, I can understand that, but it's necessary, nobody is ever going to know what's on your mind or in your heart better than you do.

I'm sure they would be understanding if I could communicate clearly, and now I think I understand what I am supposed to do in regards to that, but I just feel really weird when I think about putting my emotions in the open like that. I will put forth more effort though. As for emotions and logic being entangled, I use them together to make decisions mostly, but sometimes I use more emotion and sometimes more logic depending on what the situation has called for. It seems like the Intjs I know seem to assume that all people use logic to make decisions by default.
 
My boyfriend is an INTJ, and I feel like I can be most honest with him about what I am feeling. But that being said, he has had to learn how to be more expressive from past relationships. The best thing is to be direct. INTJs are harder to read because they emote far less, and build arguments based solely on logic- I can't tell you how many arguments we've had where he would get annoyed because I would make an emotional argument that didn't logically add up. The best thing I could recommend is watching DaveSuperPowers videos on youtube, because he gives awesome examples of the different approaches to communication.

Hopefully your INTJ will be patient and will listen to you.
 
I would like to point out that communication is a two way street. I often get the impression from F types that they like to assume the issue lies with the other person becaue their own intentions/actiona are obviously above reproach.

As to the OP, on one hand you claim you want the iNTJ to understand your emotional explanation and then go on to say that you can't really explain why. I would like to say that I would interpret such wishy washy stances to be beneath notice. Not in a mean or snarly way but just that it would be pointless to waste effort to try and understand your point when you don't/can't/won't. Wasted effort is inefficient and therefore, not worth my time to egage in.

I've played this game with many NF/SF types before. Trying to have a discussion and they start going--I don't know why but... I will think about your points and figure out the logcial path you may have taken to reach that conclusion and offer my opinion. A typical response is "no that's not it". If not every point is salient, then the response is tossed aside as if it had no worth. Further discussion brings out the information that this piece doesn't fit but all the rest does. By then, I'm frustrated because rather than being able to see each componet piece, a conclusion can't be reached without the whole being complete. Meh. Irritates me.

I also get the idea that NF types in general seem deeply concerned that other people "understand" them. Like people don't care enough because they just can't pick everything up about them right away from body language and/or their secret signals. I am excellnt at body language, tone of voice, remembering what you said, how you said it, what you didn't say, what patterns you repeat, and am constantly updating my understanding of you as an invividual. But you know what, I'm not going to pander to what you want at the expense of being/saying/doing what I want. Isee you for the individual you are and can respect that. I will tailor certain things for optimal communcation but I won't worry about "making you happy" because I don't take responsibility for your happiness--ever.
 
Direct. Concise. Then give him some time to think about it.
 
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