[INFJ] Can't understand INFJ male's behaviour

[Pyrrhula]

He doesn't smile a lot (seems "moody")
He is shy (physically shakes in certain situations, or so he says)
Seems pessimistic about most things
Untrusting of people
Really difficult to read, resulting in being difficult to trust
Not very emotional at all - or is he hiding this?
Very artistically talented and invests a lot of time in it


This is the INFJ I'm dating. I'm finding it very confusing as, we're the same type, yet I can't read him very well. I can see why INFJs are difficult to date. I find myself researching INFJ traits to better understand him! I thought that I would know already, because I am one.

I am different to him in my approach to people. I'm very open and friendly; often coming across as an extrovert (but I can only keep it up for so long and then I need to retreat for a good number of days/weeks!). He is so serious, but I have seen him put on an act around others, where he pretends to be cool and chilled out (although it comes across as a bit awkward). I have also noticed that, unlike me, he is not emotional. I have mentioned to him that I often cry when watching certain movies, and he seemed confused by that and said that he never cries. Is that normal for an INFJ? Does he seem immature or do all INFJs come across that way?! His interest in me is also questionable. It has gone from neverending messages to once a day, if that. I don't know if he's testing me to see if I'm interested in him, or if he's losing/lost interest in me. We have a third date arranged for later this week, however.

I guess I'm wondering whether or not to give up. Should I be playing the game (hard to get) or should I be making sure that he knows that I'm interested. It's very difficult to decide which way to go, as he could react badly to one or the other! If I do see him this week I might have to say something, as I don't feel comfortable with the uncertainty inbetween dates, and I think we are both busy for about two weeks after that.

 

[Artisan]

He doesn't smile a lot (seems "moody")
He is shy (physically shakes in certain situations, or so he says)
Seems pessimistic about most things
Untrusting of people
Really difficult to read, resulting in being difficult to trust
Not very emotional at all - or is he hiding this?
Very artistically talented and invests a lot of time in it


This is the INFJ I'm dating. I'm finding it very confusing as, we're the same type, yet I can't read him very well. I can see why INFJs are difficult to date. I find myself researching INFJ traits to better understand him! I thought that I would know already, because I am one.

I am different to him in my approach to people. I'm very open and friendly; often coming across as an extrovert (but I can only keep it up for so long and then I need to retreat for a good number of days/weeks!). He is so serious, but I have seen him put on an act around others, where he pretends to be cool and chilled out (although it comes across as a bit awkward). I have also noticed that, unlike me, he is not emotional. I have mentioned to him that I often cry when watching certain movies, and he seemed confused by that and said that he never cries. Is that normal for an INFJ? Does he seem immature or do all INFJs come across that way?! His interest in me is also questionable. It has gone from neverending messages to once a day, if that. I don't know if he's testing me to see if I'm interested in him, or if he's losing/lost interest in me. We have a third date arranged for later this week, however.

I guess I'm wondering whether or not to give up. Should I be playing the game (hard to get) or should I be making sure that he knows that I'm interested. It's very difficult to decide which way to go, as he could react badly to one or the other! If I do see him this week I might have to say something, as I don't feel comfortable with the uncertainty inbetween dates, and I think we are both busy for about two weeks after that.

I dunno what you should or should not do, so I can only speak from how I would react.
Playing hard to get makes me instantly lose interest, whilst for some guys this is appealing.
I do think it is best to just throw your cards on the table. Too bad hes not an assertive type...

It's possible hes not that emotional, I've read some infj's will type as INTJ sometimes because as a result from their interactions with the world they draw back to a very cold rational place in their minds and can end up supressing everything. Most INFJ men as you've noticed on this forum don't have many friends if any and really do end up being awkward as a result in social situations. Texting wise, he might just have a different frequency which he only managed to up for a little while, if he normally initiates texting you should consider initiating just as often. If you're the one doing the initiating the entire time with him not responding that often then hes possibly a bit overwhelmed by the amount of attention.

Either way, I personally think throwing ones cards on the table is in order and both parties should invest equal amount of effort in it. If that is not happening during the dating process, what would it be like when you're living together. For all you know he's just as uncertain about your level of interest as you are about his.

Also don't trust too much in his INFJ result, he could have been mistyped or he simply might be very closed.
I hope things will be resolved in a positive way for you ^^ Best of luck!

 

[the]

Seems like this particular person is not your type. I've heard it said elsewhere on the forum that infj is a very "feminine" type, to be an infj male is probably difficult as he is not supposed to be crying everytime you two watch The Notebook. Maybe that's why he is moody instead of emotional?

but like I'd tell anyone, he's doing things you don't like so dump him.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

I can't speak for him, but I believe I can relate. When was younger, I was uncertain about myself. I thought there was something wrong with me because I thought about things differently than everyone I know. This eventually led to me shutting down emotionally. Nothing would bother me, and it seemed like I didn't care about anything. This caused a lot of problems in my relationship where my girlfriend began to believe that I didn't care about her when inside I felt I was caring a little too much. Maybe I was immature, but eventually I began to accept that I was different and embraced my emotions. Now I cry during good and bad times and I'm thankful that I'm able to relate to that side of humanity that many people repress.
I know at the start of relationships, I tend to play it safe until I am 100 percent certain the other person is interested. Being uncertain of myself made me deathly afraid of rejection. You may be letting him know that you're interested, but it may not be enough for him to feel safe enough to open up. I think putting all the cards on the table is a good idea. Keep in mind though, it's possible he's not as interested in you as you are in him and he just doesn't want to hurt you by telling you. I hope this helps a little.

 

[brightmoon]

I've heard it said elsewhere on the forum that infj is a very "feminine" type,

Thats debatable. This is a good indicator of what INFJs are like http://www.celebritytypes.com/infj.php. Some of the choices may be up for debate but most are spot on. I just saw my first Lar von Trier movie and I could definitely relate.

I have also noticed that, unlike me, he is not emotional. I have mentioned to him that I often cry when watching certain movies, and he seemed confused by that and said that he never cries. Is that normal for an INFJ? Does he seem immature or do all INFJs come across that way?! His interest in me is also questionable. It has gone from neverending messages to once a day, if that. I don't know if he's testing me to see if I'm interested in him, or if he's losing/lost interest in me. We have a third date arranged for later this week, however.

He may be repressing his emotions, its not uncommon for many men to do so, often we haven't been taught very well to deal with him. The best thing to do would be to honest and forthright. Just ask (if you are interested) if he is interested. If he is then maybe you have something, if not move on. Sometimes being subtle or trying to read the tea leaves isn't all its cracked up to be.

 

[Pyrrhula]

Texting wise, he might just have a different frequency which he only managed to up for a little while, if he normally initiates texting you should consider initiating just as often. If you're the one doing the initiating the entire time with him not responding that often then hes possibly a bit overwhelmed by the amount of attention.

Following the second date it seems that I'm always initiating. He always replies but, not as quickly as he used to and his response is always closed (and about him), leaving me wondering where to go next with it :/

 

[Pyrrhula]

Seems like this particular person is not your type. I've heard it said elsewhere on the forum that infj is a very "feminine" type, to be an infj male is probably difficult as he is not supposed to be crying everytime you two watch The Notebook. Maybe that's why he is moody instead of emotional?

but like I'd tell anyone, he's doing things you don't like so dump him.

I have a feeling that his lack of emotion has something to do with his upbringing. He mentioned his father acting kind of cold to his mother on one occasion. I wonder if his father is INTJ.

I know how difficult it can be as an INFJ and feeling like no one understands you, which is why I'm giving him a chance (I also admire him and I'm attracted to him!).

 

[Pyrrhula]

I know at the start of relationships, I tend to play it safe until I am 100 percent certain the other person is interested. Being uncertain of myself made me deathly afraid of rejection. You may be letting him know that you're interested, but it may not be enough for him to feel safe enough to open up. I think putting all the cards on the table is a good idea. Keep in mind though, it's possible he's not as interested in you as you are in him and he just doesn't want to hurt you by telling you. I hope this helps a little.

But we got off to a good start, with lots of messaging and getting to know each other. I guess it can get a little worrying after a couple of dates, especially if your interest is increasing and you've no way of knowing if the other person feels the same (I'm in that boat now!). On our last date we had a chat about how we hate dishonesty and I told him I prefer someone to just tell me if they aren't interested, so that I can move on....

 

[Pyrrhula]

Just ask (if you are interested) if he is interested. If he is then maybe you have something, if not move on. Sometimes being subtle or trying to read the tea leaves isn't all its cracked up to be.

At this stage, should I just wait to see if our third date goes ahead? It's arranged for Thursday. I'd hate to start some awkward messages and ruin things. Plus, I've already sent him a message explaining that if he could ask me or tell me anything. He pretty much ignored it (but replied to another I sent at the same time).

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

But we got off to a good start, with lots of messaging and getting to know each other. I guess it can get a little worrying after a couple of dates, especially if your interest is increasing and you've no way of knowing if the other person feels the same (I'm in that boat now!). On our last date we had a chat about how we hate dishonesty and I told him I prefer someone to just tell me if they aren't interested, so that I can move on....

Just have a conversation with him then. In order to be open to the greatest joy we have to be open to the greatest pain. I say risk it all. Tell him how you feel about him and tell him how you are confused by his behavior. If he's an INFJ he will appreciate that. He may even respond in kind. Maybe not, but that seems to be the only way to get the answers you're looking for. If he says he feels the same way, but does or show's you little else, know that he meant it when he said it. If he says he doesn't know or is confused, that's something you can work with. If he says he doesn't feel the same way, then at least you are no longer in limbo.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

You just need to be patient with him for 10 years while you change him into the man of your dreams

 

[sassafras]

It doesn't matter what type someone is. Moody, not moody, extroverted, introverted. Generally, if guy is into you, you know it. If he's ambivalent or undecided, his behavior will reflect that. It seems to me that this is the case here. He may like you well enough, but he isn't sure if he's all in just yet. Maybe he's waiting on you to express more interest because he's not the type to fall before he's got a sure thing. Or maybe he prefers the chase and you're coming on a bit strong. Or maybe he's not sure what he wants. You guys are pretty early in the relationship as it is. I'm not sure anyone can tell you which he is for certain.

I think you need to decide what it is you want rather than trying to figure him out. Do you want the guy or are you more intrigued by question if whether he wants you? This is an important distinction, because if you already know you like him and want to be with him, you have a chance to cut through the bullshit and just lay it all on the table. See if he's on the same page. Whether he is or isn't, you can both save yourself some time.

Or if you prefer the game, you can continue to play and keep it exciting. Nothing wrong with that either.

Its ts really want you want here.

 

[Ryso89]

He doesn't smile a lot (seems "moody")
He is shy (physically shakes in certain situations, or so he says)
Seems pessimistic about most things
Untrusting of people
Really difficult to read, resulting in being difficult to trust
Not very emotional at all - or is he hiding this?
Very artistically talented and invests a lot of time in it


This is the INFJ I'm dating. I'm finding it very confusing as, we're the same type, yet I can't read him very well. I can see why INFJs are difficult to date. I find myself researching INFJ traits to better understand him! I thought that I would know already, because I am one.

I am different to him in my approach to people. I'm very open and friendly; often coming across as an extrovert (but I can only keep it up for so long and then I need to retreat for a good number of days/weeks!). He is so serious, but I have seen him put on an act around others, where he pretends to be cool and chilled out (although it comes across as a bit awkward). I have also noticed that, unlike me, he is not emotional. I have mentioned to him that I often cry when watching certain movies, and he seemed confused by that and said that he never cries. Is that normal for an INFJ? Does he seem immature or do all INFJs come across that way?! His interest in me is also questionable. It has gone from neverending messages to once a day, if that. I don't know if he's testing me to see if I'm interested in him, or if he's losing/lost interest in me. We have a third date arranged for later this week, however.

I guess I'm wondering whether or not to give up. Should I be playing the game (hard to get) or should I be making sure that he knows that I'm interested. It's very difficult to decide which way to go, as he could react badly to one or the other! If I do see him this week I might have to say something, as I don't feel comfortable with the uncertainty inbetween dates, and I think we are both busy for about two weeks after that.

He reminds me of me when I was 20, but I'm still very much the same. I don't show any emotion at all, but I do laugh at almost everything, and I'm very friendly. Sometimes. When I choose to be.

He's an introvert, keep that in mind. When he needs his space, he needs it.

Don't play any fucking games, especially "hard to get". (Why do females do this shit?) It will only result in him probably canning you, trust me.

However, if you both are genuinely interested, there should be a click. If it's logic you're using to justify dating each other (both INFJ) then you might want to reconsider. A certain chemical "spark" has to be there for both parties to really want to engage. And keep in mind, INFJs take a VERY LONG TIME to be genuinely interested in one person's continued presence.

What I'm getting at from your post is that he might just not be very interested.

 

[Night Owl]

I must admit, the wrap sheet you give this guy makes me think if I were in your shoes I'd put this guy on the back burner. It seems he's too much hard work to be quite honest. But the portrait given may likely only be part of his bigger picture. Despite this 'moving on' advice, in reality, what I have done in a past relationship is continue simply because that's what was happening, even though the signs were all there that she wasn't a match.

It's amazing how different INFJ guys can be - upbringing and personal experiences makes all the difference. I can partly relate to his description, but at the same time I couldn't be more different (I smile, laugh, quite outgoing and not serious at all on short term surface) - at least, having been brought out of my shell through life experiences - a shell which he may not have been brought out as of yet. One thing I think all INFJ guys can relate to is not liking 'the hard to get game'. Nor do I think an INFJ guy would dislike getting too much attention (at least in the early stages) from someone he likes - in fact he'll revel in it. Personally I've always been peachy keen to text back when texted from someone I've been interested in, yet force myself to 'hold back' to not seem too keen. So his texting behaviour I cannot relate with in this dating context - expect for the fact that now days for everyone I don't text back/email in a hurry.

Going ahead on a third date can't hurt, it can only help clarify the muddy waters (or make it even muddier). If you like him and am interested in him, let him know point blank when it feels right to say it/text it, and use your spider senses to gauge his interest or lack thereof based on his response - which in my opinion if he is interested in you he will let you know and show his hand, especially if you show your cards first. This has been the way it was with me. Going on a few extra dates can't hurt either, if they'll bring clarity - as I said if he hasn't been brought out of his shell yet, it may take some warming up (getting used to you) before his true colours show (if indeed he is an INFJ).

 

[Pyrrhula]

It doesn't matter what type someone is. Moody, not moody, extroverted, introverted. Generally, if guy is into you, you know it. If he's ambivalent or undecided, his behavior will reflect that.

I'm not so sure about that. I mean, there's plenty of evidence on this forum that INFJs aren't that good at dating and don't know how to behave. There's also a lot of conflicting information online about how you should behave. Add to that your previous experiences (e.g. scaring people off). It's so difficult to know what to do. It seems like this guy hasn't had a great time with dating over the last few years. He told me he's sick of online dating and had pretty much almost given up on it. From my side, I think I put a guy off me recently by coming on too strong. Therefore, this is making me reluctant to show my interest in this guy. It's all very confusing!

I think you need to decide what it is you want rather than trying to figure him out. Do you want the guy or are you more intrigued by question if whether he wants you? This is an important distinction, because if you already know you like him and want to be with him, you have a chance to cut through the bullshit and just lay it all on the table. See if he's on the same page. Whether he is or isn't, you can both save yourself some time.

You are right about this, and I am considering my wants and needs. I've become very aware of my previous behaviour towards men that I find attractive - e.g. ignoring red flags and accepting poor behaviour. I will try to remain realistic with this one.

 

[Pyrrhula]

He reminds me of me when I was 20, but I'm still very much the same. I don't show any emotion at all, but I do laugh at almost everything, and I'm very friendly. Sometimes. When I choose to be.

He's 29 :/

Don't play any fucking games, especially "hard to get". (Why do females do this shit?) It will only result in him probably canning you, trust me.

Because, believe it or not, a lot of guys like this behaviour. They like the chase. They like women who aren't easy and who will make them work for it. It goes both ways too. Personally, I think it's stressful and manipulative.

And keep in mind, INFJs take a VERY LONG TIME to be genuinely interested in one person's continued presence.

I'm INFJ and I'm already interested. I am very impatient, however, and I seem to know early on whether or not I like someone. In a more natural situation, e.g. seeing someone at work regularly, it can take longer (as it's not a romantic situation to begin with).

 

[Pyrrhula]

It's amazing how different INFJ guys can be - upbringing and personal experiences makes all the difference.

I definitely think his upbringing might have something to do with it. From the few details he told me - his parents sound a little selfish and possibly cold, and he said they never disciplined him, which he seemed disappointed about. There was some maturity from him, however. He said things that made me think he wants to settle down with someone now.

a shell which he may not have been brought out as of yet.

He doesn't seem to be out of it yet. It's clear he struggles in social situations. I do sometimes but I've become quite good at telling myself "just do it!" and getting on with it.

Going ahead on a third date can't hurt, it can only help clarify the muddy waters (or make it even muddier). If you like him and am interested in him, let him know point blank when it feels right to say it/text it, and use your spider senses to gauge his interest or lack thereof based on his response - which in my opinion if he is interested in you he will let you know and show his hand, especially if you show your cards first. This has been the way it was with me. Going on a few extra dates can't hurt either, if they'll bring clarity - as I said if he hasn't been brought out of his shell yet, it may take some warming up (getting used to you) before his true colours show (if indeed he is an INFJ).

I am going to make it clear to him that I'm not looking for something casual. If he's still going on dates with me, it's possible that that's all he wants. I don't want an instant relationship but I need to know it has potential. He has been very slow at making moves, so far. As I mentioned in my other thread, he gave me a lingering kiss on the lips last time, with no tongues (but I think he's paranoid about his smoking!).

I just know, being an INFJ myself, that we can be misunderstood, especially in the beginning when we meet someone (anyone, not just romantically speaking). I’m wondering if this guy is giving me the act he gives to everyone else, because he doesn’t know me very well yet. If I persevere, will I see the true him, underneath? The thing I have to look out for with this is that, in the past, I have been with guys who needed to be fixed in some way. I fixed them and then moved on, as there was nothing left after that. I don’t want another project!

By the way, we sent some messages back and forth last night and then again this morning. He said he's had an awful weekend at work (due to the heat we're currently experiencing here).

 

[Night Owl]

I just know, being an INFJ myself, that we can be misunderstood, especially in the beginning when we meet someone (anyone, not just romantically speaking). I’m wondering if this guy is giving me the act he gives to everyone else, because he doesn’t know me very well yet. If I persevere, will I see the true him, underneath? The thing I have to look out for with this is that, in the past, I have been with guys who needed to be fixed in some way. I fixed them and then moved on, as there was nothing left after that. I don’t want another project!

By the way, we sent some messages back and forth last night and then again this morning. He said he's had an awful weekend at work (due to the heat we're currently experiencing here).

Yeah, I guess it's all conjecture as to what the heck is going on his side, but it seems he is interested in you based on what you say, and the texting. But you're very right, that going into a relationship 'to fix' the other party never works out... At least if you go ahead there's nothing stopping you from pulling out at any time, especially if you notice he's turning into a fix it project as opposed to it being a mutual up-building relationship. Us INFJ's can be suckers for a project! Like you, my experience has led me to warn others thus: "if you feel you need to change them from what they are right now, then stay away, far, far away." lol

 

[Artemisia]

If it helps, I've been in the same boat with an INFJ/INFP (he doesn't know which of the two he actually is) and it is a mostly long-distance thing for 6 months now. When we met, he was just out of a 5-year relationship and we hit it off right away (we were intimate about three-four times), but his texting behavior bothered me from the beginning. He would just take forever to text back (as in days) and sometimes would not read texts for a couple of days. I thought it was his way of saying he was not interested in me.

So I did what any mature woman would do and I brought it up with him. I said "I feel like you do not want to talk to me, blah blah" and his response was that he is just terrible at texting and is like this with everyone! He also apologized twice about this very subject. I did some FB stalking of his past posts (years before he met me) and lo and behold, his male friends were complaining on his FB wall that he does not answer their messages and takes forever to open them! So at least he was honest. We talked about the best way to communicate and he said he is a "quality time" guy. The problem is that when we talk over Skype he wants to talk for hours while I prefer talking every day for 20 minutes of so.

Listen to some of the other posters. I say go on that third date, do some sleuthing (FB stalking for a bit, ask common friends, etc.) and find out how he treat other people. Once you do, you will have to come out and tell him how you feel....."(Insert name)_______, I like you very much, but sometimes I feel like you do not want to talk to me. If that is the case, perhaps we should not see each other again." This statement will put him on the spot without much pressure. You are basically telling him that you are not happy with his level of communication and if he is not interested you are going to walk away. Oh, and you have to be willing to walk away for real.

 

[Pyrrhula]

If it helps, I've been in the same boat with an INFJ/INFP (he doesn't know which of the two he actually is) and it is a mostly long-distance thing for 6 months now. When we met, he was just out of a 5-year relationship and we hit it off right away (we were intimate about three-four times), but his texting behavior bothered me from the beginning. He would just take forever to text back (as in days) and sometimes would not read texts for a couple of days. I thought it was his way of saying he was not interested in me.

So I did what any mature woman would do and I brought it up with him. I said "I feel like you do not want to talk to me, blah blah" and his response was that he is just terrible at texting and is like this with everyone! He also apologized twice about this very subject. I did some FB stalking of his past posts (years before he met me) and lo and behold, his male friends were complaining on his FB wall that he does not answer their messages and takes forever to open them! So at least he was honest. We talked about the best way to communicate and he said he is a "quality time" guy. The problem is that when we talk over Skype he wants to talk for hours while I prefer talking every day for 20 minutes of so.

In the first week he was brilliant at replying though. I don't think this guy is bad at that sort of thing. I know, from my end, I worry I might say the wrong thing in a text. Also, on our last date he said that he agreed with me (I remember saying this to him at some point), that it's best not to communicate too much between dates, so that we have plenty to talk about on our dates.... otherwise we've said everything by the time we meet.

Listen to some of the other posters. I say go on that third date, do some sleuthing (FB stalking for a bit, ask common friends, etc.) and find out how he treat other people. Once you do, you will have to come out and tell him how you feel....."(Insert name)_______, I like you very much, but sometimes I feel like you do not want to talk to me. If that is the case, perhaps we should not see each other again." This statement will put him on the spot without much pressure. You are basically telling him that you are not happy with his level of communication and if he is not interested you are going to walk away. Oh, and you have to be willing to walk away for real.

Well, we aren't friends on FB. I don't know why neither of us has requested friendship yet. I know he's been checking out my profile, however! So, I don't think I can acquire that information. I'm just going to have to work out what's going on on the third date. I intend to get more intimate with him - I want tongues! Messages are ongoing today, however!