Can heterosexual men and women just be friends? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Can heterosexual men and women just be friends?

lisamarie said:
[MENTION=6816]Lunarinth[/MENTION]
You say "Yes, definitely" and then you say that you have a best friend which is a female and that you had sex with her last year. You wouldn't do that with a guy friend, would you (assuming that you are not bisexual and just like women)? :)

It always seems that one person in the friendship secretly wants more...just a thought.
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Damn, you got me there.

Yes, that's the stake you have to pay when you play the game. There will always be a person who will ask for more than 'just friends'.
 
Doesn't 'just friends' mean that neither person wants to have sex with the other, even secretly? Because if it means we are holding back our sexual desires to act like a friend while secretly hoping and wishing but are settling for friends in the meantime, then I would change my answer.
 
Sexual attraction can come unexpectedly between people, at a certain situation or a certain time in your /his/her life. Not only between friends, but between co workers, someone who sells to you at the grocery store, and such. It doesn't mean that to have a good relationship you need to "hold back" your desire as if you were a wolf in a cage waiting to break out and eat all the chicken in a farm. It's just like not letting your anger rule over you at some situations, so you don't hurt your friends for example, if you are really pissed that day. If you are very attracted to someone, then heck, don't expect to be real friends with her / him. It doesn't make sense, because your attraction would be the main feeling you would have towards that person, and that will define the friendship (even if it's kept secret in your heart, it's still what you feel and what drives you to act consciously or sub consciously).

In short, in my opinion there can be great friendships between males and females, depends on their characters, and on their self control. If for example some girls tends to get drunk, and invites some male friend and urges him to drink with her, and then she gets all flirty (this can happen the other way around, as in the male tend to get drunk and invites his friend and gets all flirty - no shovinism here), don't expect great friendships to grow from there.
 
There will be a different dynamic and tension than between two heterosexual friends of the same sex.

If the friends enjoy a stable life and life circumstances, then the male/female tension might remain in a certain balance. However, the ebb and tide of life will probably mean that at different times the man, or the woman may feel more/less conscious of the possibility of a more intimate relationship.

So my answer is that in the short term heterosexual men and women may simply remain friends. But over the long term questions of intimacy will probably definitely arise within the two parties.
 
I vote yes. I've had a few male friendships for several decades, one for almost 35 years, since junior high school! It is different in the sense that in a friendship with the opposite sex you have to deal with jealousy from boyfriends and girlfriends. This can become about how secure and/or insecure a person feels in their romantic relationship and the level of trust you have for one another. This can really test a persons level of maturity, honesty, and security. This has come up again and again, but we deal with it because we have been friends for so many years and we know that our friendship will endure until the day we die.

Another thing that happens is a lot of people who feel that friendships between men and women cannot exist make assumptions and judgements based on their value system, which very often has nothing to do with our value system. We value our friendship, not what people think of our friendship - there's a difference. I remember this guy coming on to me once and telling me he wanted to be "friends" with me too because he was assuming my friend and I had a sexual friendship. Over the years I've just learned to let that stuff go. I have noticed though that the people who really care for me and/or one of my male friends have eventually come around and accepted that our friendship really is just a friendship and we genuinely care about each other. These people have become mutual friends mainly because we care about the same people. We see each other again and again in hospital waiting rooms, lending money through a tough financial time, helping pick up the pieces after a romantic relationship, etc..

It's not always easy to maintain a friendship between a man and a woman, but then it's not always easy to maintain a same sex friendship either. They both have their own unique challenges. I feel if you're lucky enough to call someone and be called by someone a true friend, consider yourself a very lucky person because true friends don't come along very often. So who cares if they're the same sex, the opposite sex, a different species, or whatever. A friend is a friend, and a true friend no matter who or what they are is one of the greatest gifts you'll ever have.
 
Yes, I believe it can work. I don't know if I'm naive... But unfortunately, it has never happened to me yet. Not for too long anyway and it's a shame. I still believe in good platonic relationships, I keep on looking and value it a lot! There could be possibly some tension on the either side, but hey.... As long as the roles and borders are understood and maintained... Seriously – I have no idea how it works but I want to believe it does! On the other side – how deep this friendship can be, how vulnerable do you allow yourself to become? I'm more or less the same with each of my friends, I'm a little "childish", you could say, by opening up to them (at least in the past) but it's the way I am. If someone I like, of either sex, comes along I won't let them go that easily :lol: I want to communicate, get to know them, etc. Be friends! One can always admit that such and such is attractive, so what... it doesn't suggest anything. I find my friends to be attractive, to be honest. Should I lie them and say they're not? No. So yes, I can admit it too. I like to boost my friends' confidence in any way, I genuinely mean it. A woman or a man – if attractive, talanted, smart, etc. – I'm going to say it. It doesn't mean I want to hump anyone, though. It's the way it is for me.
 
I sometimes get paternal with women, and any desire to fuck them (intimacy) is diminished by that role. This used to quickly complicate matters if they decided they wanted more or I hadn't gotten any for a while. It was a typical state of confusion.

Now I'm just in a place where I view most women as sexual objects unless they're a family member, significantly older, or someone who I've placed in a higher social position. My favorite writing professor comes to mind. I feel so much respect and gratitude that I subconsciously think she deserves to be more than a piece of ass. All this allows for more control but I can obviously not have long-lasting friendships with objects/things unless they're a bit twisted themselves. We're both sexually twisted creatures and it allows for some weird sort of bond. I only have a couple of friendships like that and I don't see them often. It works.
 
ThisIsWhoIAm said:
Sexual attraction can come unexpectedly between people, at a certain situation or a certain time in your /his/her life. Not only between friends, but between co workers, someone who sells to you at the grocery store, and such. It doesn't mean that to have a good relationship you need to "hold back" your desire as if you were a wolf in a cage waiting to break out and eat all the chicken in a farm. It's just like not letting your anger rule over you at some situations, so you don't hurt your friends for example, if you are really pissed that day. If you are very attracted to someone, then heck, don't expect to be real friends with her / him. It doesn't make sense, because your attraction would be the main feeling you would have towards that person, and that will define the friendship (even if it's kept secret in your heart, it's still what you feel and what drives you to act consciously or sub consciously).
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Exactly. If you can only see this person as romantic interest even if your relationship is just friends, then it is difficult to maintain a relationship as friends because if feelings grow, then friendship is not going to be enough. And people who say they will always be just friends sometimes underestimate time and the random nature of relationships. You can be completely disinterested in someone initially but as you get to know them, you may develop feelings. People are so conditioned today to think attraction must always be immediate or instant or strongly felt initially to be real that they underestimate how relationships "develop". You can develop feelings for someone just as someone who you were once passionately in love with may later be seen as a former lover or just a friend. And people change. People can develop qualities or traits that make them more attractive to someone or desirable. The assumption that the feelings were always there, latent, until they come to the surface denies the reality that feelings develop without any intention on a partner's part. Just because it's not love at first sight, doesn't mean they can't be that great love or THE love of your life. You can't always tell how you're going to feel unless you're in it and things unfold. If couples always predetermined that someone should be nothing more than friends without knowing how the relationship would progress, there's the chance that many of us wouldn't even exist.

People grow and change their minds. That's the cool thing about real life and free will, it's always changing. And you just never know.

So, the question, in my mind, isn't whether they can be because of course they can be just friends. Not everyone man and woman has romantic attractions toward each other. The question is, whether they will be.

Two people can be brought together by unusual circumstances and develop a love and trust for each other that creates more personal connection, bond, and committment.

How many people have said, " I would never date A or B because I don't see them that way" only to marry them or have children with them later on.

Not every relationship will or has to work out. Who knows, maybe one or both people know that going further may not be the best option. Hat's off to them for figuring this out early. But avoid predetermining. You never know.
 
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Genuine said:
Exactly. If you can only see this person as romantic interest even if your relationship is just friends, then it is difficult to maintain a relationship as friends because if feelings grow, then friendship is not going to be enough. And people who say they will always be just friends sometimes underestimate time and the random nature of relationships. You can be completely disinterested in someone initially but as you get to know them, you may develop feelings. People are so conditioned today to think attraction must always be immediate or instant or strongly felt initially to be real that they underestimate how relationships "develop". You can develop feelings for someone just as someone who you were once passionately in love with may later be seen as a former lover or a friend. And people change. People can develop qualities or traits that make them more attractive to someone or desirable. The assumption that the feelings were always there, latent, until they come to the surface denies the reality that feelings develop without any intention on a partner's part. Just because it's not love at first sight, doesn't mean they can't be that great love or THE love of your life. You can't always tell how you're going to feel unless you're in it and things unfold. If couples always predetermined that someone should be nothing more than friends without knowing how the relationship would progress, there's the chance that many of us wouldn't even exist.

People grow and change their minds. That's the cool thing about real life and free will, it's always changing. And you just never know.

So, the question, in my mind, isn't whether they can be because of course they can be just friends. Not everyone man and woman has romantic attractions toward each other. The question is, whether they will be.

Two people can be brought together by unusual circumstances and develop a love and trust for each other that creates more personal connection, bond, and committment.

How many people have said, " I would never date A or B because I don't see them that way" only to marry them or have children with them later on.

Not every relationship will or has to work out. Who knows, maybe one or both people know that going further may not be the best option. Hat's off to them for figuring this out early. Avoid predetermining. You never know.
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Exactly. I married my "best friend". We were "just friends" and told everyone that it "wasn't like that". But look at us now :). And we really believed at the time that it wasn't like that. You just never know what the future holds or how things can change.
 
It can be really awkward when you see someone one way as in a platonic friend, and they see you in a completely different way. I've had a "friend" who always seems to be waiting around, hoping for that perfect opportunity, and from my experience, I have to keep quite a distance from him because he would try to get really involved in my relationship with my boyfriend and purposely try to find a rift or make things awkward.

When I moved back in with my parents, he called me out of the blue and tried to invite me out, I think his sister (an old friend) was trying to set him up with me. I appreciate the gesture of wanting to make me feel better when I am upset, but if it seems like a gesture with ulterior motives then it loses the charm of friendship, and verges on sad and slightly pathetic.

That being said, maybe I am cynical, and I should be flattered instead, and just ignore it. But I definitely feel like any idea of friendship is compromised.
 
I have a few female friends whom I am not attracted to at all and view them more as sisters since they have gotten that close to me. Then I have had female friends whom I was not attracted to but they tried to find some way to get me to have sex with them. Then there are the female friends whom I was completely attracted to but they seemed to feel nothing in those regards, if I felt like I was in some sort of position to take advantage of them emotional or otherwise...and felt my inclination tipping in that direction I would distance myself quickly. One does not betray a bond if both parties are not so inclined to pursue its mutation.

So I'd have to go with maybe.
 
Reading the posts on this thread I can't help but think that women are especially unrealistic about relationships with men, or they haven't got a realistic appreciation of of how men function psychologically.
 
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Flavus Aquila said:
Reading the posts on this thread I can't help but think that women are especially unrealistic about relationships with men, or they haven't got a realist appreciation of of how men function psychologically.
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You just said it perfectly. Completely agree.
 
I have a quite a few acquaintances who are women with whom I have platonic friendships. However, our relationships are pretty shallow in the "depth" category. I work with them or went to school with them, and we only really hang out or talk outside of work when a group of mutual friends get together. I avoid developing intimate relationships with women because I am in a committed relationship myself, and would expect the same from my partner. When I say intimate, I don't just mean physical, but also emotionally and mentally intimate by sharing important details of one's life and/or its circumstances.

That being said, through my significant other, I have met some of her closest and dearest friends. There are a few with whom I have connected with at a deeper level than normal, and one of which we actually lived with for a couple months. With these women, which I can count on less than half a hand, I share many more intimate details of my life. I would consider them close friends, and the relationship is strictly platonic. My partner has a male friend that falls into the same category. These are mutual friends that both of us trust immensely, and we also have a great deal of trust in one another. I think it works because both of us are intimately (again, not physically or romantically) close with the people of the opposite sex that our partner is close to. And one last caveat; neither of us call or hang out with these people on a regular basis without our partner being present. However, it's mutually understood if one of us does so, and it can be done without causing strife or tension in our relationship.

In general, when one is in a committed relationship, I think platonic friendships are hard to keep with the opposite sex, but it definitely can be done. It's made easier when both partners are close to this friend.
 
You dudes frighten easily.

But perhaps that's the healthier state to be in. A tough way to live to my mind.
 
I believe it just varies from person to person / friendship to friendship. Some people can do it, some people can't.
 
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