Calling all non-breeders~

[Sensiko]

To all of you choosing not to have children, why?

I'm so curious to see how many childless by choice INFJ's are out there... Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against kids and I know I'd be the best mom. That's exactly why I'm not having any.

My problem with having kids is expecting them to go to work for the majority of their lives. I resent the fact that my parents brought me into this world being totally cool with that because having to be somewhere I don't want to be, around people I don't want to be around, doing something I don't want to do in order to pay the phone bill is seriously f***ed up IMO. If there's even a remote chance that my kid would feel the same as I do, I would rather spare them the pain.

I don't buy into the "do what you love" B/S. Been there, done that and all it did for me was make me hate what I loved and needed to create because it eventually got to be "work."

If I had a million dollar trust fund (unknown to them and payable on their 28th birthday) so they could have the ability to choose to work or not, then I would seriously consider bringing someone into this world knowing they would have the ability to *fully* enjoy it. If they spent it all on sex, drugs and rock n roll at least they knew I provided them with a fighting chance.

I love when people say I'm being "selfish." In fact it's quite the opposite.

What are your reasons?

 

[barbad0s]

Adopting. I feel the world is overpopulated.

 

[Kgal]

I admire your reasons for not having children. They sound logical and compassionate.

At a young age I began to view having children as a responsibility - not an indulgence - or my duty as a woman. I felt very strongly that if a person had children it should be considered very carefully with regard to the child's welfare. Firstly, if one could not reasonably be able to take care of the children - then no. Secondly, one should not have children to fulfill a need for unconditional love. Thirdly, one should not have children because they think it's expected and they will be rewarded in some fashion (attention and income come to mind).

I grew up at a time when people were beginning to see the world's population sky rocket along with consumption. I learned, saw, and experienced many things to convince me the US (the World) was going to be a rough place for my children if I had any. So - I decided not have them.
From an emotional stand point - I figured my children wouldn't like what I did - anyway - and we'd be forever distant. This stemmed from my experiences with my Mom. For example I was very much a tom boy, loved the outdoors, animals, and horses in particular. I knew I'd have land and horses. It was pretty much a given - in my imagination - that my children wouldn't like any of that. I knew I could be stubborn - so I foresaw a tumultuous time between me and my potential children.

By the time I was able to have insurance and afford and operation I began to seek a method of permanent sterilization. Back then most of the OBGYN doctors down here were males. Each time I approached one about getting my tubes tied they'd pat my head and tell me to wait...that one day I'd change my pretty little mind. [grrrrrrrrrr] male chauvinist pigs...

For a long time people and family would ask me when I was going to "give them" a grandchild, great grandchild, a grandniece or nephew, etc. This would frustrate me to no end. I'd tell them over and over again that I was not going to have any kids. They must not have believed me for they would still ask then next time we'd meet up. Sigh...
One year I met a 60yr old model and I discovered she never had any children - on purpose. I asked her how did she handle the questions. She told me to do this: She said, "turn your eyes and head aside, sigh, shrug your shoulders, and say "So far, I can't". It's sort of the truth. And low and behold - it worked for a good long while - especially with people whom I didn't want them to know my business.

At age 27, I finally found a wonderful Woman OBGYN from India who said, "Sure I'll tie them. Later, IF, you change your mind, I'll untie them". I reassured her I would never change my mind.
Years later, after I had fallen in love with my 2nd husband, I had the feeling of wanting to have a child with him. This lasted for about 3 days.
I've never looked back.

 

[oddgirlout]

Proud non breeder here although I am often looked down upon as selfish and self indulgent. Also there must be something "wrong" with me as I have heard whispers such as "Maybe she can't have children" or "Maybe she is just cold and not of a nurturing nature" Quite honestly, I say I choose not too.

Reason 1: This is a harsh world we live in. I think my expectations for my child would be so high and I'm not sure the world could give back what he/she needed. There is so much pressure, so many things are too pc, there's little development for arts, co operative living, socialization etc. I can't tell you how many people my age have never been to a farm to see where their food comes from or spent an afternoon in a good healthy debate with no internet to turn to, material to reference and can walk away learning something from it instead of feeling anger. There's not time for anything and a moment staring at a hillside on a sunny day no longer has a real place in this world. We consume, consume, consume...and I hate that. Even if I could teach him/her that successfully the world doesn't work that way.

Reason 2: If I had a child they would become the center of my world. I am not ready to change my world for the sake of creating and developing life. I like random weekend trips to Vegas without finding a sitter. I like who I am and what I give out to the universe. I like the freedom of movement moment to moment with little planning.

Reason 3: I never want to put my child through the things I experienced with my mother when I was younger. I can't say for certain that I've avoided all those pot holes and I would never forgive myself for doing such a thing. Although I am a nurturer by nature we sometimes damage the things we love the most and justify it by ignorance or emotion.

I could continue a bit but I'm waiting for the tomatoes to hit me from all the mothers and fathers out there...

 

[Phage]

I haven't made up my mind yet... I'm 21 and single. I don't see a suitable mate within the next six years at least.

So far... I really REALLY wanted to have one kid, but now that I have more seriously evaluated things I am kind of terrified of having another human being pop out of me and start questioning my authority.

JK.

I also feel the same way though, why bring another being into this world to suffer? Dust returns to dust anyway. I'd rather not disturb its peace to begin with. I'd prefer to help ease the people who have already been forced to come into existence. :/ Adoption!

 

[bronson_]

I'm going to adopt an African child, to assuage my white guilt.

 

[mochi]

Me too, although I can't say for certain if I will ever change my mind.

Reason 1: I agree with @Sensiko and @oddgirlout in that I don't want to bring a child into the world with the possibility of suffering, or expectations.

Reason 2: I also think I would pass on my extreme shyness genes that I got from my mother's side of the family. I don't think I could bear watching my child go through the same thing.

Reason 3: Although my family isn't as large as others, it was pretty large considering my mother/father had four children to raise and not enough money. The image of many little children gives me bad memories. My mother has instilled in my head never to have so many.

Reason 4: I don't have the time for children. I will be working many hours once I'm out of school.

Reason 5: I want to have freedom to do fun things, travel, take care of things for my family. Taking care of children is too huge of a responsibility and requires total commitment.

 

[Free Mind]

Simple, really. I'd prefer to help people who are already alive rather then bring another soul into the world and have most of my attention put onto that. I can help more if I help people who are already alive...I am a man of freedom also, and I somewhat see having a child as a restriction for myself. Another point is. Each person on this planet, usually contributes to a HUGE amount of waste. So I also take the planet into consideration before I do something drastic. It really is that simple.

I also agree with all the points stated from everyone else. ^^

 

[Barnabas]

To all of you choosing not to have children, why?

I'm so curious to see how many childless by choice INFJ's are out there... Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against kids and I know I'd be the best mom. That's exactly why I'm not having any.

My problem with having kids is expecting them to go to work for the majority of their lives. I resent the fact that my parents brought me into this world being totally cool with that because having to be somewhere I don't want to be, around people I don't want to be around, doing something I don't want to do in order to pay the phone bill is seriously f***ed up IMO. If there's even a remote chance that my kid would feel the same as I do, I would rather spare them the pain.

I don't buy into the "do what you love" B/S. Been there, done that and all it did for me was make me hate what I loved and needed to create because it eventually got to be "work."

If I had a million dollar trust fund (unknown to them and payable on their 28th birthday) so they could have the ability to choose to work or not, then I would seriously consider bringing someone into this world knowing they would have the ability to *fully* enjoy it. If they spent it all on sex, drugs and rock n roll at least they knew I provided them with a fighting chance.

I love when people say I'm being "selfish." In fact it's quite the opposite.

What are your reasons?

how old are you?

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Without replying to the question....

I have a very great admiration of those who do raise families. They really are better off than the rest of us in most ways.

 

[TigersGoRAWR]

I've always thought long and hard about this.
There was a time when I was younger where the thought of having my own child was amazing.
But that was around the times where I had barbie dolls and action men figures playing games in the dining room. ;D
For about 5 years, I've come to think about it seriously.
Like others have stated in their posts, this is a harsh world we are living in today. It would be unfair on the child to be brought into this world with everything that is going on.
I also think it would be unfair on the world itself. I don't think it needs more people than it already has. We're struggling enough as it is without bringing more into it.

There are also many things that can go wrong during pregnancy and even when the baby is born.
Also, if I saw my child in a similar sort of state that I have been in the past, I wouldnt be able to cope. It would be too much. I know how it's made my mum, seeing me in certain ways, and she is scarred now...

It also restricts a LOT of things that you personally may want to do in your life. You and your parnter may want to travel a lot, that takes up a lot of time. If family members become ill and you need to take care of them, that takes up time. I know I have a lot of places that I would love to go and visit, maybe even numerous times. Having a child would restrict that and the activities available on those trips.

If I ever wanted a child, I would adopt. Id rather take care of a child that's already been brought into this world and wants a loving family than bring another one in myself.

 

[Free Mind]

Without replying to the question....

I have a very great admiration of those who do raise families. They really are better off than the rest of us in most ways.

How so?

 

[Flavus Aquila]

How so?

They have the generosity, hope, love, patience, etc. to have and raise their own families - and on top of it, they have the benefits of family life; and the pleasure of watching their children grow up.

We humans are social creatures - and within a close family, in which all age groups are represented, you find a very REAL, complex, and nurturing society: the individuals are bound together with all the different kinds of love you are likely to find :spousal, parental, filial, sibling, grandparent-ly, friendship, etc. For the rest of us, it's a pretty dry kind of existence socially.

I am talking about functional families.

 

[Free Mind]

They have the generosity, hope, love, patience, etc. to have and raise their own families - and on top of it, they have the benefits of family life; and the pleasure of watching their children grow up.

We humans are social creatures - and within a close family, in which all age groups are represented, you find a very REAL, complex, and nurturing society: the individuals are bound together with all the different kinds of love you are likely to find :spousal, parental, filial, sibling, grandparent-ly, friendship, etc. For the rest of us, it's a pretty dry kind of existence socially.

I am talking about functional families.

Good point. Thing is. I'd probably have a family if the conditions were right. I could quite easily do it, but right now? No thanks. I will find happiness in other areas.

 

[Jill Hives]

I never used to want to have children, then thought "well...maybe SOMEday...far away" and a while later I ended up finding myself unexpectedly pregnant. I love my son and don't regret having him, however, I don't understand why anyone would condemn someone for choosing to not have children. I wouldn't ever look down on anyone for not wanting children, and I would expect the same respect from them as well.

 

[Constant_Overstimulation]

i havent yet because i just listen to everything kurt cobain tells me to do.

i'd rather plant a house and build a tree.


[video=youtube;0mC7jbG9yi0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mC7jbG9yi0[/video]

 

[Nixie]

Not an INFJ but no kids. No regrets really. No husband either. Oh yea, and NOT gay. LOL You can't imagine HOW many times I get "that" look or have "that" question asked.

 

[acd]

I have a neurotic fear that I will die as a result of childbirth.
I blame it on the fact that Steel Magnolias was one of the first movies I ever watched.

Also, just not a priority at this time. Too much in the way of me getting my shit together.

I'm not opposed to ever having children and I'm not planning on having children.
Either way, I could be happy.

 

[Sensiko]

how old are you?

I'm 33, married been with my husband for 11 years.

I have a neurotic fear that I will die as a result of childbirth.

That's crazy --me too! In another life, I'm sure I did. Even imagining "being" pregnant gives me the creeps. As I kid, I never played with baby dolls or role played "mommy" with friends.

So a couple of people brought up how their mother/daughter relationships influenced their decision to not have children. She's my #2 reason on so many levels for not procreating. Anyway, here's a random, classic example of my mom, who happened to give me my first baby doll...

One Christmas, I think I was 5 or 6, my mother gave my sister and I these baby dolls handmade by a friend of hers, or maybe even by her. I burst out in tears when I saw mine partly because it didn't have a nose, which horrified me (she later drew on to stop me from crying) and partly because I hated it. It's a classic mom example because anyone who knew me knew that I had an obsession with horses from day one. But, for reasons unknown, it was an obsession she rarely and reluctantly indulged. Instead of looking at my Xmas gift as an opportunity to bring joy, she used it as a way to impress her influence on what I should take joy in. Better yet, she gave me another baby doll a few years later for Xmas considering I never played with/owned/asked for one since.

I used to teach elementary school and saw some kick-ass parents who were totally able to understand and fulfill their children's needs. I have a few good friends who are this way. My husband's best friend just had his first child and that kid is so lucky. He has two genuine, loving people who want to raise him. I admire how brave and selfless people like them are. I had a really candid conversation with a co-worker the other day. He was the first person who ever admitted to me that he wished he didn't have kids. He's a great dad and obviously loves his children, but I really admired his honestly and thanked him for it.

On the flip side, I know women who had children for their own needs --keeping a man, having someone to control, someone to live through.... that's criminal IMO. One time this guy told me that he wanted kids to "pass on his DNA". What a moron. Worst reason, ever.

I take that back, as the worst reason ever. I had a friend from high school who got pregnant so she could have an excuse to quit her job, stay at home and collect $. She'd never admit it, but I knew her well and I knew how much she hated her job and 'growing up' in general. Why she would ever want to put her own flesh and blood through the same fate is beyond me. The poor sucker with a steady paycheck didn't see it coming. She purposefully stopped taking birth control and poked holes in the condoms. It's a slimy way a lot of women get out of the rat race. Single guys, beware!

 

[hk427f3]

I think I might donate to a sperm bank, someday. Just in case someone needs my DNA. Also, it's kind of sad that people who decide not to have children can't pass those traits on, although it probably has very little to do with genetics. But still.

Being an uncle is good enough for me.