Being too direct and honest.

[charlatan]

Well, let's analyze the situation. I think that a gentle person should have no trouble with honesty. Indeed, statements are not intrinsically harsh. They are harsh because of the value judgments we fear from others, but not just that, also the rewards we've come to attach to those value judgments (ie you have to care about someone's mockery to really be affected).

Of course, you need to be careful, as you may be gentle, but the world has probably not been, so unless the person feels especially protected, he/she may feel unable to deal with the world if you destroy their sense of how things are. So gentleness would be fine if one merely wanted to prevent someone who never was traumatized from getting so. But someone who already was traumatized needs to feel there's a way out, needs to regain faith.

 

[Lurk]

Everyone is an individual.

But generally, I do not find INFJs to be what I consider direct and honest. I'm confused by some who would seemingly choose harmony over all else, even if means allowing for little challenge, growth, or humor.

When I first came here, I was amused by the emoji choices -- KEEP IT NICE, MOFOS! -- all huggy, kissy, and happy, it's the law. It's actually dominating to control others this way. Challenging behavior isn't always driven by aggression; it can be driven by a genuine curiosity to understand opposing views, and stating dissent is how that happens.

 

[Ren]

I have grown to believe that honesty does not requite bluntness. But maybe there are two meanings of "honesty" here: one which attaches to statements of fact, and another, connected yet different and maybe deeper, which attaches to people themselves. I don't know anyone who is honest just for saying honest things; but I do know honest people, and their honesty goes much beyond what they say. I think one recognizes honesty in a person over time and through consistent, reliable behaviour and unflinching displays (not always spoken) of integrity.

Being overly direct has nothing to do with that, to my mind. A gentle person who has the credibility of the reputation of an honest person will not need to be that way to be listened to. Inversely, a very direct person who does not have that credibility might produce a backlash. In the end some people are fine with directness and others less so; but I don't think it is directness of statements that will be helpful to others because they are supposedly more "honest"; it is the credibility of the person who makes the statements.

 

[AngINFJ]

Strangely, I can relate to what you says but I suspect that might be because of the vague way in which you describe your experiences. Probably because I often use the same type of ambiguous language when trying to describe how I felt.

However this makes it impossible to be sure whether or not we are talking about the same things. It seems like anyone could apply these same words to their own experiences, since every single person has probably struggled with making or keeping friends at some stage in their lives.

But nevertheless I have been going through a somewhat similar struggle. I don't think that my problem though was that I was too direct or too honest, I just noticed that often when friends come to me feeling sad, angry or down, they are not really looking for advice on how to fix the problem - they are well aware of what needs to be done. Instead what they probably want is to simply express their emotions in a safe place where they won't be judged.

Since I usually listen intently and do my best to lift up their spirits and give them good advice, I get really offended when they dismiss everything I try to say as if they think that I'm judging them or something when I'm simply trying to help.
Such scenarios I'm around other feeler types, especially NFs. And they notice that I'm upset and decide to leave, leaving me confused about what I could have done wrong. This could be quite different to your experience, especially if you interacting with other types.

About your friend who stopped talking to you, I've had that happen to me alot since I'm such a private person doesn't relate easily to everyone, so people tend to make up stories about me due to their ignorance. Perhaps your friend heard some bad rumours and actually believe them. That's his loss for being shallow and you are probably better off not having him as a friend. The fact that you are interested in improving your relationships with others, even willing to change aspects of yourself if need be - shows that you care about people and I'm sure your true friends see it too. You're probably not doing anything wrong, just being yourself and being honest is all that's required for friendship.