Being Enabling and Critical

[Trifoilum]

I don't get it.
After some personal reflection and/or looking at old posts (..how i haven't grown),

I.... well. I know I have the tendencies to enable people.
I also know I have the tendencies to be critical of people's beliefs; and life choices sometimes.

The realization today is-- are they not-- contradicting each other?

How could I be enabling and critical at the same time?

And what should I do with both?
===
Extra Thoughts:
I tend to notice that I am more enabling to those either:
a) I'm not that close with,
b) I deem as sensitive/emotionally vulnerable/easily offended,
c) will react badly upon rejection.

......so I wonder if my enabling was actually a concession or a form of conflict avoidance.

 

[SpecialEdition]

I don't get it.
After some personal reflection and/or looking at old posts (..how i haven't grown),

I.... well. I know I have the tendencies to enable people.
I also know I have the tendencies to be critical of people's beliefs; and life choices sometimes.

The realization today is-- are they not-- contradicting each other?

How could I be enabling and critical at the same time?

And what should I do with both?
===
Extra Thoughts:
I tend to notice that I am more enabling to those either:
a) I'm not that close with,
b) I deem as sensitive/emotionally vulnerable/easily offended,
c) will react badly upon rejection.

......so I wonder if my enabling was actually a concession or a form of conflict avoidance.

You enable to prevent other people from having a bad reaction to your perspective about what they choose to do. You criticize to prevent yourself from having a bad reaction to what people choose to do.

 

[Radiantshadow]

I don't get it.
After some personal reflection and/or looking at old posts (..how i haven't grown),

I.... well. I know I have the tendencies to enable people.
I also know I have the tendencies to be critical of people's beliefs; and life choices sometimes.

The realization today is-- are they not-- contradicting each other?

How could I be enabling and critical at the same time?

And what should I do with both?
===
Extra Thoughts:
I tend to notice that I am more enabling to those either:
a) I'm not that close with,
b) I deem as sensitive/emotionally vulnerable/easily offended,
c) will react badly upon rejection.

......so I wonder if my enabling was actually a concession or a form of conflict avoidance.

They're not contradictory behaviors. We can disagree with someone's actions but allow them to continue. In my opinion, enabling is not ever a good idea and you should stop doing it as soon as you're aware of doing it. I don't know exactly what you enable and am unsure if the following applies, but it is not a virtue to limit another's abilities, independence, and development by enabling unhealthy or unhelpful behavior; in cases where enabling protects you from strife, it is even more important to evaluate whether the consequences on yourself and the other person are worth the false harmony that has been created. In general, I think the answer is a firm negative because it simply reinforces avoidance and keeps us safe when what we really need is to learn how to resolve problems and the discomfort they cause. To be safe is not always to be whole, and what is more worthwhile than the latter?

As far as being critical of others' choices is concerned, my advice will vary according to what kind of "critical" you mean. If you mean "skeptical", then I don't see a problem unless you go around challenging others' beliefs because you don't buy them. That kind of crusading goes nowhere fast and usually leaves the crusader quite alone. If you mean instead that you disagree with others and somehow disparage them for behaving and believing differently than you would like, then I would say that it's probably none of your business and that direct criticism wouldn't help even if it was. They'll do what they want for their own reasons and there's little you can do about it unless it either impacts you personally or they request your input.

 

[Korg]

How could I be enabling and critical at the same time?

Well, let's take something that a lot people on this forum are into: working out, health, etc. I'd enable / encourage anyone to start a solid fitness program. And if they start by trying to eat 3 pounds of cheesecake each day while squatting 500 pounds, I'll be critical of their strategy and likely call them a dumb motherfucker.

 

[Trifoilum]

Hmm. HMMM. So it's not that contradictory as I thought.

That is both heartening and disheartening. I guess I should find the root cause.
As far as criticizing goes, I feel like I've been softer but that is as far as method goes. I'm still figuring out whether if I'm doing this more or less often... HMM.

You enable to prevent other people from having a bad reaction to your perspective about what they choose to do. You criticize to prevent yourself from having a bad reaction to what people choose to do.

In other words, it's like, I enable so others don't feel bad (for my perspective)-- while I criticize so I don't feel bad (for my perspective)?

That sounds.....really plausible. :|

They're not contradictory behaviors. We can disagree with someone's actions but allow them to continue.

That is indeed, true.

In my opinion, enabling is not ever a good idea and you should stop doing it as soon as you're aware of doing it. I don't know exactly what you enable and am unsure if the following applies, but it is not a virtue to limit another's abilities, independence, and development by enabling unhealthy or unhelpful behavior; in cases where enabling protects you from strife, it is even more important to evaluate whether the consequences on yourself and the other person are worth the false harmony that has been created.

It is applicable in my case. Especially the latter part.

Some forms of it, I do gain some amount of indulgence ('accompany me playing!'), and that makes things worse, I believe. *long sigh*

In general, I think the answer is a firm negative because it simply reinforces avoidance and keeps us safe when what we really need is to learn how to resolve problems and the discomfort they cause. To be safe is not always to be whole, and what is more worthwhile than the latter?

Good point. Very good point.

As far as being critical of others' choices is concerned, my advice will vary according to what kind of "critical" you mean. If you mean "skeptical", then I don't see a problem unless you go around challenging others' beliefs because you don't buy them. That kind of crusading goes nowhere fast and usually leaves the crusader quite alone.

*nod nod*
I will take note. Occasionally I do question people on their (social, not religious or spiritual) beliefs; but I have not found any problems. However I can see it being a problem.

If you mean instead that you disagree with others and somehow disparage them for behaving and believing differently than you would like, then I would say that it's probably none of your business and that direct criticism wouldn't help even if it was. They'll do what they want for their own reasons and there's little you can do about it unless it either impacts you personally or they request your input.

This is more like it to be honest.
I'm trying to use the golden rule; do I want the criticism?
I don't. So.

Well, let's take something that a lot people on this forum are into: working out, health, etc. I'd enable / encourage anyone to start a solid fitness program. And if they start by trying to eat 3 pounds of cheesecake each day while squatting 500 pounds, I'll be critical of their strategy and likely call them a dumb motherfucker.

Touche, Korg. I stand corrected.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Hmm. HMMM. So it's not that contradictory as I thought.

That is both heartening and disheartening. I guess I should find the root cause.
As far as criticizing goes, I feel like I've been softer but that is as far as method goes. I'm still figuring out whether if I'm doing this more or less often... HMM.


In other words, it's like, I enable so others don't feel bad (for my perspective)-- while I criticize so I don't feel bad (for my perspective)?

That sounds.....really plausible. :|

Yes. I have done this too. For example, I have had people in the past who have relied heavily on me and our relationship was based on their weaknesses. There would be times where I would heavily self sensor which came across as enabling. Without the necessary confrontation, that friendship turned into a neediness and it ended up crumbling in the end because I didn't set boundaries and create a scenario where that person was not allowed to leach off of me. I enabled the weakness because I perceived them as weak and was afraid of what would happen if I was up front and blunt with them.

In other scenarios, I might have seen someone who was overcome with the passion of their own ideas and big lofty goals and I knew they would come crashing down and I didn't want to deal with it because I could already see it a mile away. I would find myself being critical of those kinds of people because at that point in my life I was playing it very safe and didn't understand the risk taking and living based on how you feel. So I would try to cut them down to reason because I knew when everything fell apart I'd have to hear about it and I didn't feel like it. For me, it would have been easier if they just left these big risks alone.

In either case, it's selfish. It's making assumptions about the emotional states and capabilities of other people based on how you perceive them through your own personal projections. In the end, a lot of it has nothing to do with protecting the other person. In my opinion, it means that the level of respect isn't there for them because you (and past me) have assumed that we know better for another human being and it's absolutely false. And even if we're right, who are we to dictate someone else's path in that way? Why is it that we are not allowing people to live their lives and learn their own lessons?

 

[Erlian]

You improve others.
If they have ideas or are enthusiastic about something, you are critical.
If they are down, don't know what to do or otherwise in doubt, you are enabling.

I just interpreted your case into my own experience.
I can be incredibly extraverted, happy, kind, encouraging and motivating if I'm around people who lack these things. They're depressed or unhappy.
I can be very critical, mostly to people who are certain of their case. I doubt that they've seen all sides of the coin and will be critical to their ideas. If someone did something I'll be critical to them, if I believe they can handle it.

For example, a girl in my flat became "flat-elder", without any authority and still being rather young. She had issues with some of the older guys that didn't feel like listening to her. We had all agreed that she would be flat-elder, so she had the formal authority. Almost everytime she organised, sanctioned or warned someone (within our rules) I complimented her on doing so. Because she needs that. She needs the support. Otherwise she would feel way too alone in her leadership role.Much later when she got more confident, I allowed myself to be more critical while still being enabling sometimes.

In short:
If someone comes up to me and says: "I'm the best" I'll say: "What makes you think so?"
If someone comes up to me and says: "I'm the worst" I'll say: "No way, you're the best!"

 

[Trifoilum]

Yes. I have done this too. For example, I have had people in the past who have relied heavily on me and our relationship was based on their weaknesses. There would be times where I would heavily self sensor which came across as enabling. Without the necessary confrontation, that friendship turned into a neediness and it ended up crumbling in the end because I didn't set boundaries and create a scenario where that person was not allowed to leach off of me. I enabled the weakness because I perceived them as weak and was afraid of what would happen if I was up front and blunt with them.

Hmm. If I may ask; what are you afraid of?
Were you self censoring in saying that; you hide or left certain harsh words unspoken for fear of them being upset?
I can see a relationship turning needy and dependent because of the lack of boundaries and/or 'THIS IS ENOUGH'. Hmm.

In other scenarios, I might have seen someone who was overcome with the passion of their own ideas and big lofty goals and I knew they would come crashing down and I didn't want to deal with it because I could already see it a mile away. I would find myself being critical of those kinds of people because at that point in my life I was playing it very safe and didn't understand the risk taking and living based on how you feel. So I would try to cut them down to reason because I knew when everything fell apart I'd have to hear about it and I didn't feel like it. For me, it would have been easier if they just left these big risks alone.

So it's a form of not wanting to deal or see the (seemingly) inevitable train wreck?
It seems there is a sort of internal projection in your case; some sort of distaste/ mistrust/ anxiety over the differences in lifestyle?
which I can also definitely see happening in my situation right now.

Especially the last part, yes.

In either case, it's selfish. It's making assumptions about the emotional states and capabilities of other people based on how you perceive them through your own personal projections. In the end, a lot of it has nothing to do with protecting the other person.

It seems when put this way; it feels more like protecting the way -we- live by controlling the way others live?
Sort of dragging others down to our safe place. To swim or sink together?

In my opinion, it means that the level of respect isn't there for them because you (and past me) have assumed that we know better for another human being and it's absolutely false. And even if we're right, who are we to dictate someone else's path in that way? Why is it that we are not allowing people to live their lives and learn their own lessons?

....Good question. *deep breaths*
I wonder. Some parts of me, perhaps; craved the attachment. Or...hmm.

 

[Trifoilum]

You improve others.
If they have ideas or are enthusiastic about something, you are critical.
If they are down, don't know what to do or otherwise in doubt, you are enabling.

I just interpreted your case into my own experience.
I can be incredibly extraverted, happy, kind, encouraging and motivating if I'm around people who lack these things. They're depressed or unhappy.
I can be very critical, mostly to people who are certain of their case. I doubt that they've seen all sides of the coin and will be critical to their ideas. If someone did something I'll be critical to them, if I believe they can handle it.

For example, a girl in my flat became "flat-elder", without any authority and still being rather young. She had issues with some of the older guys that didn't feel like listening to her. We had all agreed that she would be flat-elder, so she had the formal authority. Almost everytime she organised, sanctioned or warned someone (within our rules) I complimented her on doing so. Because she needs that. She needs the support. Otherwise she would feel way too alone in her leadership role.Much later when she got more confident, I allowed myself to be more critical while still being enabling sometimes.

In short:
If someone comes up to me and says: "I'm the best" I'll say: "What makes you think so?"
If someone comes up to me and says: "I'm the worst" I'll say: "No way, you're the best!"

Interesting point of view. I strongly suspect some part of it happens to me too, especially the bolded part.

Did you feel alright with that behavior?
Did you learn to cope / manage / balance your behavior?

 

[Erlian]

Interesting point of view. I strongly suspect some part of it happens to me too, especially the bolded part.

Did you feel alright with that behavior?
Did you learn to cope / manage / balance your behavior?

Yeah, as children me and my siblings would be critical of my ISFJ moms cooking. Just general child whining. But as I got older I kept doing it sometimes. And whenever my mom expressed her displeasure I defended my actions that I wanted to help her improve her cooking. She replied that it's not nice to hear only the critical stuff, after all the amount of work and effort she puts into it. I agreed and also randomly give compliments and always add positive stuff in addition to critique. This was not one conversation, but rather a process that probably lasted a few years and didn't only deal with my mom. I also learned a large part in my first year of university where I got a lot of (mandatory) "Social and Professional Skills Training". So far (3 years in) I've had classes on teamwork, presentations, debating, giving feedback, interviews, mediation and your own weaknesses. Giving feedback was in the first year and gave a theoretical framework for what I had learned from my mom earlier. At that point I was consciously aware of whenever I gave feedback and how to do it.

I feel incredibly grateful for (learning) this behaviour, because I know how to give proper feedback. I know that insecure people probably can't use any critique at that point and thus I won't give them any. Some people can handle (and sometimes even need) a full-out frontal attack of critique. Others are in the middle and need some sugarcoating with the advice. Sugarcoating sounds like it is fake, but it really isn't. I genuinly appreciate what I compliment them on. It's just that I have to remember to actually say it, because there's always something positive going on that most people take for granted.

For example:

I think you show a few clear signs of intelligence or common sense.
You want to learn more about yourself. That's an incredibly good characteristic. I always encourage people to do so.
You (dare to) use this forum to ask random strangers about yourself. I think that's a sign that you're not afraid of who you are and just genuinly want to learn about yourself.
Simply talking to others about yourself is also the best. Others have different perspectives. It's always important to use those perspectives. Don't limit yourself to only your own perspective. There's so much more points of view that can learn you immense amounts. Close-minded people often stick to their own perspective and miss a lot of the world.
And the good thing is, you are already doing all of this the right way! I like you.
Asking me about my experiences is pretty much the perfect question. First I like to talk about myself (who doesn't?) and second it might give you useful insights about yourself.
And thanks for the thumbs up ^^

I did this as example. Not because I felt that you needed it. I could've used to lift your mood or to balance critique. (I have none currently)
But despite all of that, every bit of it is genuine. It's true. Those things are awesome. Some of it might be seen as normal, like giving the thumbs up. But I still appreciate it. One might also say that the common sense stuff I mentioned is pretty common. Maybe it is, but I doubt it. And even if it is common, it's still praiseworthy.

 

[CogentPursuit]

I wouldn't call it critical and enabling in my case but more of breaking down the strong and then building the everyone back up again. I feel the need to improve those around me so that we all can improve and be better and happier individuals in the long run.

As far as enabling goes... I allow things to exist and continue because any action would only make it worse. Building a strong foundation in other areas can help the individual be strong enough later for me to finally address the larger issue that I was previously enabling or more of accepting as what is and has to be for now.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Hmm. If I may ask; what are you afraid of?
Were you self censoring in saying that; you hide or left certain harsh words unspoken for fear of them being upset?
I can see a relationship turning needy and dependent because of the lack of boundaries and/or 'THIS IS ENOUGH'. Hmm.


So it's a form of not wanting to deal or see the (seemingly) inevitable train wreck?
It seems there is a sort of internal projection in your case; some sort of distaste/ mistrust/ anxiety over the differences in lifestyle?
which I can also definitely see happening in my situation right now.

Especially the last part, yes.


It seems when put this way; it feels more like protecting the way -we- live by controlling the way others live?
Sort of dragging others down to our safe place. To swim or sink together?


....Good question. *deep breaths*
I wonder. Some parts of me, perhaps; craved the attachment. Or...hmm.

I am not afraid of anything now. It doesn't scare me to be upfront and honest. I care a lot less about how other people feel which means that I don't feel emotionally invested in the outcome of whatever it is they do and do not do which means I don't feel called to enable bad behaviour or protect myself from my own reaction to their bad decisions.

There is nothing in my case. That was a past version of myself that was very anxious and these things happened a long time ago. Now I don't have any of that anymore. During that period of my life I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with a lot of what was going on in my own life let alone other people's issues so I turned that lack of energy into trying to control things to suit my own needs.

You could see it like the sink or swim scenario. I think often times this is how a hive mentality starts. People often are driven to conform, even if at the beginning they do not want to. We are all subject to it in some way, though some more self actualized people are better able to catch themselves falling prey to it and just stay their own course.

You will figure it out. It may take a while, but you will get there. Sometimes you have to grow beyond the situation before you can see it clearly.

 

[Alomoes]

They're not contradictory behaviors. We can disagree with someone's actions but allow them to continue. In my opinion, enabling is not ever a good idea and you should stop doing it as soon as you're aware of doing it. I don't know exactly what you enable and am unsure if the following applies, but it is not a virtue to limit another's abilities, independence, and development by enabling unhealthy or unhelpful behavior; in cases where enabling protects you from strife, it is even more important to evaluate whether the consequences on yourself and the other person are worth the false harmony that has been created. In general, I think the answer is a firm negative because it simply reinforces avoidance and keeps us safe when what we really need is to learn how to resolve problems and the discomfort they cause. To be safe is not always to be whole, and what is more worthwhile than the latter?

As far as being critical of others' choices is concerned, my advice will vary according to what kind of "critical" you mean. If you mean "skeptical", then I don't see a problem unless you go around challenging others' beliefs because you don't buy them. That kind of crusading goes nowhere fast and usually leaves the crusader quite alone. If you mean instead that you disagree with others and somehow disparage them for behaving and believing differently than you would like, then I would say that it's probably none of your business and that direct criticism wouldn't help even if it was. They'll do what they want for their own reasons and there's little you can do about it unless it either impacts you personally or they request your input.

One cannot simply make someone else do something. That is unethical. :S

One must enable someone to make the choice to do it.

 

[Radiantshadow]

One cannot simply make someone else do something. That is unethical. :S

One must enable someone to make the choice to do it.

I'm not sure whether your comments are an attempted summary or critique of my post. Regardless, I generally disagree with your second point; everyone is responsible for their own well-being. The amount of social support we have (or do not have) compelling us to look after ourselves or behave in a particular manner does not compromise our capacity to do either, merely our willingness. In most cases, when push comes to shove, people are capable of making effective decisions about how to run their lives. Whether they do is, of course, a separate matter, often contingent upon environmental forces and the subject's thought patterns and perceived range of freedom and viable choices.

 

[Trifoilum]

Yeah, as children me and my siblings would be critical of my ISFJ moms cooking. Just general child whining. But as I got older I kept doing it sometimes. And whenever my mom expressed her displeasure I defended my actions that I wanted to help her improve her cooking. She replied that it's not nice to hear only the critical stuff, after all the amount of work and effort she puts into it. I agreed and also randomly give compliments and always add positive stuff in addition to critique. This was not one conversation, but rather a process that probably lasted a few years and didn't only deal with my mom. I also learned a large part in my first year of university where I got a lot of (mandatory) "Social and Professional Skills Training". So far (3 years in) I've had classes on teamwork, presentations, debating, giving feedback, interviews, mediation and your own weaknesses. Giving feedback was in the first year and gave a theoretical framework for what I had learned from my mom earlier. At that point I was consciously aware of whenever I gave feedback and how to do it.

That was interesting; thank you for the story.
It was interesting how certain theories can make our past experience so...understandable. So that it made a lot of sense instead of just...intuition.

And it is a good reminder too, I need to learn. I need to learn more; or actually this goes beyond learning how to or when, but that is definitely one of them.

I feel incredibly grateful for (learning) this behaviour, because I know how to give proper feedback. I know that insecure people probably can't use any critique at that point and thus I won't give them any. Some people can handle (and sometimes even need) a full-out frontal attack of critique. Others are in the middle and need some sugarcoating with the advice. Sugarcoating sounds like it is fake, but it really isn't. I genuinly appreciate what I compliment them on. It's just that I have to remember to actually say it, because there's always something positive going on that most people take for granted.

I agreed. I think this was part of my fundamental flaws around this matter:
1) Me, not being able to distinguish which person was which;
2) Me, not being able to distinguish their moods; whether if they needed a gentle word; an understanding nod; or a harsh
3) Me, not being able to recognize well enough that people have different ...'hot buttons', so to speak; topics and circumstances that needed to be dealt in a respectful manner (one significant example would be triggers)
4) Me, still being so...ignorant or reckless or self-focused; when I am dealing with my own problems / wants.

Internally; spiritually, I think I'm still feeling like I lack worth. Like I cannot..I secretly cannot deal with having my metaphorical boat shaken. By people leaving the boat.
I -want- certain things; and that certain things required other things; peace, stability. And so I set out to control.

For example:

I think you show a few clear signs of intelligence or common sense.
You want to learn more about yourself. That's an incredibly good characteristic. I always encourage people to do so.
You (dare to) use this forum to ask random strangers about yourself. I think that's a sign that you're not afraid of who you are and just genuinly want to learn about yourself.
Simply talking to others about yourself is also the best. Others have different perspectives. It's always important to use those perspectives. Don't limit yourself to only your own perspective. There's so much more points of view that can learn you immense amounts. Close-minded people often stick to their own perspective and miss a lot of the world.
And the good thing is, you are already doing all of this the right way! I like you.
Asking me about my experiences is pretty much the perfect question. First I like to talk about myself (who doesn't?) and second it might give you useful insights about yourself.
And thanks for the thumbs up ^^

I did this as example. Not because I felt that you needed it. I could've used to lift your mood or to balance critique. (I have none currently)
But despite all of that, every bit of it is genuine. It's true. Those things are awesome. Some of it might be seen as normal, like giving the thumbs up. But I still appreciate it. One might also say that the common sense stuff I mentioned is pretty common. Maybe it is, but I doubt it. And even if it is common, it's still praiseworthy.

Thank you >__<;;; I'm pretty embarrassed in a good way right now.
So even the smallest things are truly praiseworthy. *nod nod*

 

[Trifoilum]

I wouldn't call it critical and enabling in my case but more of breaking down the strong and then building the everyone back up again. I feel the need to improve those around me so that we all can improve and be better and happier individuals in the long run.

I want to believe this too.

But my pressure; the agitating feeling I felt when they moved away from my directions; I felt like that is bad and unhealthy and--
-- selfish.

But I see your point. Has it helped others so far? Have you ever received any flack because of it?

As far as enabling goes... I allow things to exist and continue because any action would only make it worse. Building a strong foundation in other areas can help the individual be strong enough later for me to finally address the larger issue that I was previously enabling or more of accepting as what is and has to be for now.

So it is sort of like a long game?

 

[Trifoilum]

I am not afraid of anything now. It doesn't scare me to be upfront and honest. I care a lot less about how other people feel which means that I don't feel emotionally invested in the outcome of whatever it is they do and do not do which means I don't feel called to enable bad behaviour or protect myself from my own reaction to their bad decisions.

Interesting. I have definitely heard you saying it; and it seems it's doing you a lot of good, still. That really made me glad.

There is nothing in my case. That was a past version of myself that was very anxious and these things happened a long time ago. Now I don't have any of that anymore. During that period of my life I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with a lot of what was going on in my own life let alone other people's issues so I turned that lack of energy into trying to control things to suit my own needs.

.... I can totally get where you are coming from.
It would take a lot less energy if they just DO WHAT I WANT THEM TO DO / walk the path I built for them.
Add that--
There is a lot of stake here; whether misguided or not. Affection (I CARE FOR YOU), Time/effort (AFTER ALL THIS TIME / ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU).
Which;
the core was again, worth.
"...how can you just fuck it up?"

You could see it like the sink or swim scenario. I think often times this is how a hive mentality starts. People often are driven to conform, even if at the beginning they do not want to. We are all subject to it in some way, though some more self actualized people are better able to catch themselves falling prey to it and just stay their own course.

You will figure it out. It may take a while, but you will get there. Sometimes you have to grow beyond the situation before you can see it clearly.

I can definitely see it.
I am not justifying my actions but it is quite surprising, all things considered; for me to fall prey on this sort of behavior -again-, the circumstances were different than what I am used too; both socially or emotionally, and...yeah; I need to do something.

 

[Trifoilum]

One cannot simply make someone else do something. That is unethical. :S

One must enable someone to make the choice to do it.

Do..explain more?

I'm not sure whether your comments are an attempted summary or critique of my post. Regardless, I generally disagree with your second point; everyone is responsible for their own well-being. The amount of social support we have (or do not have) compelling us to look after ourselves or behave in a particular manner does not compromise our capacity to do either, merely our willingness. In most cases, when push comes to shove, people are capable of making effective decisions about how to run their lives. Whether they do is, of course, a separate matter, often contingent upon environmental forces and the subject's thought patterns and perceived range of freedom and viable choices.

I am quite agreeing in this. *nodnod*

 

[Alomoes]

Say you have a person that you know is illegally doing drugs. Do we rat them out? I don't unless it becomes a problem and I think it would benefit them.
I agree with Radiant Shadow and pretty much everyone here.

 

[Solongo]

I don't get it.
After some personal reflection and/or looking at old posts (..how i haven't grown),

I.... well. I know I have the tendencies to enable people.
I also know I have the tendencies to be critical of people's beliefs; and life choices sometimes.

The realization today is-- are they not-- contradicting each other?

How could I be enabling and critical at the same time?

And what should I do with both?
===
Extra Thoughts:
I tend to notice that I am more enabling to those either:
a) I'm not that close with,
b) I deem as sensitive/emotionally vulnerable/easily offended,
c) will react badly upon rejection.

......so I wonder if my enabling was actually a concession or a form of conflict avoidance.

Sometimes it helps to look at enabling as allowing. And allowing always requires acceptance. When you accept something you are supporting it. If the acceptance is based on judgement and not understanding; than i can see how the enabling may feel uncomfortable. Yet the uncomfrotable feeling is not strong enough to elicit a different response to enabling which can be contrasting. Offering contrasting solutions will give the feeling of "conflict" but it is not true conflict.

It could be good to explore why you may feel the need to enable despite feeling critical. I think people judge because they are not understanding and because of it it is much easier to judge. I always saw understanding as the antidote to critical and judgmental traits. We tend to see our own inner processes in others.