Authentic Projection

That one is always interesting towards discussion.

 

I feel like I have a lot of complex thoughts about this but I think I'm struggling to format them because I don't fully understand what you're trying to convey here.

Are you saying that you are holding people to standards of authenticity that may be unfair based on your own personal preferences for authenticity as an infj?

Or can you expand or clarify the OP?

 

Hmm.

Where do you think your people pleaser behavior comes from/ what makes it difficult for you to be authentic with others?

What do you view as a sign of inauthenticity in others, and why do you dislike it?

 

People pleasing is a negative aspect of external feeling. Its often used to problem solve the emotional issues or real world problems of other people.

Authenticity matters to me only to my personal social circle. I want people to be able to be themselves and true to themselves. I can be judgmental if I think someone is lying to themselves. I've come to accept I really want people in my life that can be what they are and healthy. If someone cannot maintain most aspect of mental, emotion and physical health I don't keep the friendship up. I try not to shove someone in a premade assumption box that I've made for them, but again I'm human. Not always successful.

I'm sure I don't come off as authentic to everyone because I don't share the whole me to everyone. I try to hold back less these days. I know how to read an audience and present what they want to see but also how to give them what they ask or need. Is that authentic?

I think I focus on wanting authentic but also people with good intentions. People focused on making things better.

 

So maybe your theory holds true.

If you are afraid of judgement, and you see people being inauthentic, perhaps the reason is also because they are afraid of judgement.

I think it would be safe to say that all human beings are afraid of rejection. We want to belong and be included. It is a primal survival instinct.

 

I'm going through a lot of the same things you are going through right now after having an event which sort of broke down my identity and forced me to confront behaviour that I have as a result of subconscious beliefs and fears. A lot of that is on my blog you might find it interesting *shameless plug*

I would recommend the book heartwounds it's helping me with this stuff right now. The first step is bringing these things to our conscious awareness.

Or, hell, maybe I'm projecting

 

I think INFJs typically know other people better than others will know us. Typically, but not always should be stressed. I have a deep desire to connect with others and be known and accepted. I think that's a NF pattern but it's also universal human thing.

 

Point on authenticity; no one is completely authentic in any interaction with you (the general "you").
That really depends on your relation with the person.

You can talk about the weather or something general with a random person and you'll get a honest reaction most of the time.
But if you go through a personal subject or a subject which requires nuance, people will very easily add some (white) lies in their words, even
close relations and that's not meant as something negative.

How INFJ's see authenticity, to me, is somewhat naive, with the whole "authenticity is key" thing.
If you can be your authentic self and be open with a difficult or personal topic within your close circle, that should be enough in regards to authenticity.
Keeping the lie count as low as possible off-course.

This TED talk covers the subject:
https://www.ted.com/talks/pamela_meyer_how_to_spot_a_liar

 

Maybe "people pleasing" isn't quite it for me; I find I try to blend in, especially in new surroundings, as much as I can. Being too concerned about authenticity, imo, can be unfruitful. My tentative conclusion for being an INFJ is to forget "authenticity" and aim for effectiveness in your self-expression and decisions. It doesn't mean you are being fake. It just means you be your best self to share what you must share and do what you must do most appropriately within a given context and time.

 

Here's an example.

Um... authentically, I hate going to work a lot(especially my old job). I have had a couple of situations where I didn't gaf care and just decided, I'm just going to make it clear how I really feel...see? Authenticity. I'd sit there on the job telling everyone exactly how I felt about them, about the job, about my life, and how (at the time) I really just wanted to put a bullet through my head. I never get sympathy from people (not even from my parents growing up). I "authentically" made things worse for me and everyone else. I just walked out of the job flipping off my boss out the door. Now, that's authentic. But not very effective or appropriate. It hurts others, and I sure as heck wasn't enjoying it. But I've also gone through the processes of filing official complaints if I didn't like something, or calmly addressing concerns, and if I wanted out, I put in an appropriate 2 week notice. See? Both approaches are saying the same thing, leading to similar outcomes, but one causes turmoil and is degrading, while other causes harmony and is up building. That's what I mean by effectiveness.

 

This is a great topic and I think you've summed it pretty well above.
But always trust your intuition and be discerning. Really really really. Listen to that gut feeling over your thoughts, rationalisations and justifications.
Some people are really good liars and I thought I was good at reading people but I learnt the hard way that I wasn't. My trauma and conditioning, as well as certain personality traits and values made me very gullible and an easy target.
Nice does not equal good. A lot of bad people are nice. And bad people can also do good things sometimes. Its all about the overall intent. Not everyone thinks like you and not everyone deserves your trust. Trust should be earned. I used to think that there were no strangers, just friends i haven't met yet. And I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. Made endless excuses and justifications. Forgave everything. Preached about love. I was constantly doing shadow work and asking myself why i attracted such negative experiences and people. I was literally a doormat and I didn't even know. I've learnt that the hard way that self love, self compassion and self kindness needs to come first.
I've actually now spent hours learning about this through reading and videos about how to spot lies and narcissistic/sociopathic behaviour.


People pleasing is complex.
I'm a people pleaser and also generally and horribly...a very compliant person. I greatly respect and generally follow rules, systems and laws.
I feel- your space- your rules. My space- my rules. Shared space- rules matter.
Its important for me to be polite and respectful, and i like positive interactions.
I like being agreeable, and I am wherever possible. I'm also open minded and can see and understand others' points of view and see where they're coming from. I like harmony and i like people and i like having a good time.

But sometimes i feel like shit or im lost in my world or just want to be alone and and I either retreat or just keep my head down and maintain politeness but am way too self absorbed to even really process anyone else's experience. I still care in a way...but im disconnected and consumed by my own experience.

When i repress these feelings...I am being inauthentic to myself and im just going through the motions because i feel i have to. Sometimes there is no choice

And then sometimes i just cant keep my mouth shut if something matters and be very judgemental and self righteous. I'm fanatical about my own ethics and values. I also love arguing in the sense of debate. When i was younger i was very much a card carrying slogan wearing political fanatic....always going to meetings, going door to door to spread the propaganda, politics in the pub, organising and going to protests, getting really worked up and sometimes acting like a total disrespectful porkchop. I did this because I really really really cared.
I have also broken many laws and rules but never for the sake of it. Sometimes its just has to be that way but not at the expense of others. I have never nor will ever be a rebel without a cause. And in my heart and mind, I am actually an anarchist true and true.

All this can look warm, nice, good, pleasant, quiet, cold, aloof, distant, malcontent, rude, fanatical, psyco, judgemental, rebellious and nutcase.

And they're all true. Its all really confusing and messy and complex and makes no sense