Assertiveness

[acd]

How does one become more assertive? What is it that makes one not assertive?


I'm always kowtowing to people just to keep the peace and then feeling like a self-betraying dumb-ass. I see his happening at my job and with certain family members and friends..

I guess it's cuz I'm so conflict-averse, but there's got to be a way to have my needs met and my rights respected without being afraid of a brawl.
Anyone else here do the same thing?
Anyone here have advice?

 

[Azure_Knight]

Do not compromise on the things that are important to you. Even if it brings about conflict, do not sell out the things that you believe in. They are important, and worth fighting for.

 

[acd]

Yes, that's the goal. Now to accumulate the jaunty-ness to achieve it..

 

[Bored Now]

It one of those things you just gotta roll up your sleeves and DO. It's not like anyone is going to pop you in the mouth for talking shit to them. It's not high school. When you realize the worst thing that happens is that people MIGHT think of you differently, it's easy to stop giving a damn. People think all sorts of stupid crap I have no control of.

Its never easy, but practice makes it better. It's like the line from Dolores Claiborne "Sometimes being a bitch is the only thing a woman has to hold on to". I don't like being a bitch, and you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who thinks of me that way, but I'm not taking any crap either. I rather have respect than affection.

 

[Silently Honest]

Honest answer: Get yours, get what you deserve. Don't give in for a second. Don't attack, but allow the person you're communicating to know what you want and don't leave any doubt in there mind you plan on getting it. It's up to them to decide what they want to do from that point. Hold your ground.

 

[WickedPod]

How does one become more assertive? What is it that makes one not assertive?


I'm always kowtowing to people just to keep the peace and then feeling like a self-betraying dumb-ass. I see his happening at my job and with certain family members and friends..

I guess it's cuz I'm so conflict-averse, but there's got to be a way to have my needs met and my rights respected without being afraid of a brawl.
Anyone else here do the same thing?
Anyone here have advice?

I do the same thing, lots of the time. If it's something that I will feel isn't THAT important to me, I'll try to keep from looking like the asshole. I also have learned that when you're assertive, ppl can really make you out to be the bad guy, immature one, whatever. This mostly happens when you defend yourself. That's one of the main reasons I've tried to back off when I feel the need to step up and say something in my own defense. But, I tend to only do that in a professional environment or a family environment, unless someone other than myself is completely innocent and needs defending. When I'm out and I see, say, a customer chewing out a cashier b/c there wasn't enough Kraft Cheese stocked in the dairy case, I stand up for the cashier and do my best to make the person realize they're being a dick unnecessarily and need to check theirself. So, I'm assertive, but conditionally so.

 

[slant]

I have no assertiveness because I have no goals. I am unable to create goals because I am unable to create a solid value system that could filter out what I like and dislike in which would propose interests that might dictate what I do and what I don't do. Those who aren't assertive I attribute to the lack of motivation to do something, often because of the lack of a reason to do something. From my mode of thinking when you want to do something, you'll do it: exactly the way you want to do it.

However you must note that you can't make anything exactly as you want it; although you may not want to compromise reality is cruel and squeezes the good of life out of you like the puss out of a big red zit.

 

[bs98r3kjf]

Someone once told me: "Assertiveness is when you speak your mind. Aggressiveness is when you rant."

 

[acd]

I like the refined fierceness of Bored Now and Silently Honest's approaches..

I sort of don't have a problem with defending other people, as Wicked Pod also mentioned. In fact, I find that easier than asserting myself.

Slant's response was really interesting to me, I've never thought the lack of assertiveness and motivation were related.. Hmmm!!

 

[slant]

I like the refined fierceness of Bored Now and Silently Honest's approaches..

I sort of don't have a problem with defending other people, as Wicked Pod also mentioned. In fact, I find that easier than asserting myself.

Slant's response was really interesting to me, I've never thought the lack of assertiveness and motivation were related.. Hmmm!!

You are always so positive and complimentary like a daisy that never welts.

....Why won't you welt?! Defying the laws of nature and common sense is ridiculously magical! But then again...this forum is like the Twilight Zone....

 

[Faye]

Just be a jerk and don't care. It helps if you are in the right.

I would have trouble being assertive if people took it personally, but they got over it and did what they needed to (wihch doesn't mean that they didn't hate me).

 

[acd]

You are always so positive and complimentary like a daisy that never welts.

....Why won't you welt?! Defying the laws of nature and common sense is ridiculously magical! But then again...this forum is like the Twilight Zone....

See, I don't know if I should be asserting myself here. ^^

 

[Silently Honest]

Just be a jerk and don't care. It helps if you are in the right.

I would have trouble being assertive if people took it personally, but they got over it and did what they needed to (wihch doesn't mean that they didn't hate me).

Aggressive=/=Assertive

Not the same.

 

[IndigoSensor]

I am not an assertive person at all. However, I am learning to be, and I have been slowly over time. Really what it comes down to is getting confortable in your own skin. That is where it comes from really. To speak with conviction, and know what you are saying. For INFJ's I believe this is an aquired trait that appears from life experience. The biggest hurdle to get over is to be ok with not having to be so accomidating for people.

 

[Blind Bandit]

I do the same thing, lots of the time. If it's something that I will feel isn't THAT important to me, I'll try to keep from looking like the asshole. I also have learned that when you're assertive, ppl can really make you out to be the bad guy, immature one, whatever. This mostly happens when you defend yourself. That's one of the main reasons I've tried to back off when I feel the need to step up and say something in my own defense. But, I tend to only do that in a professional environment or a family environment, unless someone other than myself is completely innocent and needs defending. When I'm out and I see, say, a customer chewing out a cashier b/c there wasn't enough Kraft Cheese stocked in the dairy case, I stand up for the cashier and do my best to make the person realize they're being a dick unnecessarily and need to check theirself. So, I'm assertive, but conditionally so.

I have that problem too. If you be assertive that makes you the ass and everyone who is treating you badly now can act the victim.

And this often pushes into aggression. Its a bad cycle.

 

[Faye]

Aggressive=/=Assertive

Not the same.

Yes, aggressiveness is condescending/threatening. Assertiveness also entails an imposition of your self upon the other, but it is done with different motives and intentions. However, the fact remains that you still have to have a spine to be assertive, perhaps even more so than aggressive.

 

[dneecey]

I have no assertiveness because I have no goals. I am unable to create goals because I am unable to create a solid value system that could filter out what I like and dislike in which would propose interests that might dictate what I do and what I don't do. Those who aren't assertive I attribute to the lack of motivation to do something, often because of the lack of a reason to do something. From my mode of thinking when you want to do something, you'll do it: exactly the way you want to do it.

However you must note that you can't make anything exactly as you want it; although you may not want to compromise reality is cruel and squeezes the good of life out of you like the puss out of a big red zit.

I quite agree with this actually. If you don't have enough motivation to do something, then you simply wont do it.

I used to be a lot less assertive about most things, and the things that don't matter to me, or I feel like I don't have enough information about, I just sort of let go, until I feel strong enough to put my two cents about them in.

Now (after many years, sorry Slant.. it may take you a while) I finally feel more comfortable with certain ideals and beliefs that I will most definitely be assertive about if needed. It comes down to knowing who I am and what seems worth it to me.

Until you're ready to put your foot down, you wont. Maybe a part of you has been weighing the consequences for so long that you have just conformed to go with the flow, and now you're not only tired of it, but you see this is something you are ready to speak up about/stand up for and change.

Recognizing it means you're almost there, and you will most likely know you are ready to do something about it because you will probably be in the middle of doing it, when you realize it.

Good luck.

 

[the]

Be bossy and selfish. Then you will be assertive.

 

[Blind Bandit]

Be bossy and selfish. Then you will be assertive.

There not the same thing. Even though a lot of domineering people having problems with assertiveness.

 

[the]

There not the same thing. Even though a lot of domineering people having problems with assertiveness.

It doesnt matter. You will still be percieved as being assertive. It is similar to cocky people get the same results as someone who is self confident.