Assertive Introvert

[Wyote]

What are some ways that you have learned to be an Assertive Introvert?
What do you do to help others to learn to be assertive?

I found this quick little article. I think as an introvert it's important to sort of counteract the lack of extroversion with assertiveness. Both is good, of course, but extroverts also fail at assertiveness.

http://introvertspring.com/3-steps-...al&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

 

[Skarekrow]

I was forced to be more assertive working in the medical field.
As a Paramedic you cannot be timid...I have no problems speaking up and ordering a crowd to do something.
Same with the ER and the OR and the Heart Suite.
I wasn’t always so assertive but, assertiveness was/is a necessity in many cases throughout my life...I just got used to it I think and I became more comfortable being assertive in other areas.

 

[Gaze]

Being assertive has been a long journey. Wasn't easy to begin because too many double standards. When you're a woman and try to be assertive especially if you're normally quiet or timid, people are surprised and don't react very positively because they expect you to be submissive and passive. But when you do start to assert yourself, it's tough at first, but you learn to feel comfortable enough with it over time. I don't want to be assertive to the point of being rude and hurtful, because then I'd feel really bad about it, regret immediately. So, a balance is nice. You can also be assertive without being harsh or brutal, but many believe aggressive or coercive is the only way to get their way. Also, depends on situation. And most importantly, it's often a matter of time, place, and person. Some situations benefit from more assertiveness, others less so. Just a matter of deciding which is required in each situation. I've never believed that the same style should be used in all situations. No one size fits all.

 

[Wyote]

I think something else interesting to contemplate here is the nature of the differences between Assertive and Turbulent personalities.

What are some other advantages of Turbulent personalities? They seem to be more driven, and possibly more adaptable. I know as a generally Assertive type, I have a relatively worry-free existence, but this drives a lot of complacency and apathy in me. And I also struggle with rapid change.
It's important to not get too comfortable, too self-assured, too assertive.
Balance in all things, of course.

https://www.16personalities.com/articles/identity-assertive-vs-turbulent

 

[Sandie33]

Assertiveness is important for everyone to learn to be skilled in.

I've found that my laid back, unassuming style has been both blessing and curse. I generally let folks be as they will; however, when I have needed to be assertive in a situation I have been told I come off as bitchy because my assertive tone is a bit more forceful than my normal tone. This makes me appear hostile or angry which is not the case. When accused of being hostile while being assertive I explain to my accusor that I am much worse when being hostile or angry.

As an example, when I still worked corporate a coworker asked for me to do something outside the scope of my duties. I said "No." firmly. I didn't go into some drawn out reasoning why I would not, instead I just said the firm no. She began demanding my reasons for saying no. I smiled and looked at the CFO and asked him to ask her to check her demanding tone and he complied. She got her knickers all in a knot and went stomping out of the conference room. The CFO and CEO chuckled when I raised my eyebrows with out a word at her departure. I couldn't understand why she left in such a huff. They explained to me that my countenance when I said No was quite intimidating and this is why she got defensive or upset with me. As I rose to leave I said No again with a smile asking if that was better.

I am left to wonder if being introverted NF is the gap in learning to be assertive without getting our emotions involved.

 

[CindyLou]

This is something I've been working on for a long time and something I still haven't completely mastered, though I think I am a lot better. I absolutely sucked at saying no or even saying what I wanted (or even knowing) most of my life and I sometimes still have to be angry to be as assertive as I should be which would make me swing back and forth on the pendulum of bitch and pushover.

It's been a rough road but I think that it's been good for me though because to some extent when you have to work to be assertive that is when you get that good balance, where you don't come across too aggressive and people aren't afraid of your bark/bite, but yet people know you mean business too.

 

[Pasquale Rollo]

Assertiveness is important for everyone to learn to be skilled in.

I've found that my laid back, unassuming style has been both blessing and curse. I generally let folks be as they will; however, when I have needed to be assertive in a situation I have been told I come off as bitchy because my assertive tone is a bit more forceful than my normal tone. This makes me appear hostile or angry which is not the case. When accused of being hostile while being assertive I explain to my accusor that I am much worse when being hostile or angry.

As an example, when I still worked corporate a coworker asked for me to do something outside the scope of my duties. I said "No." firmly. I didn't go into some drawn out reasoning why I would not, instead I just said the firm no. She began demanding my reasons for saying no. I smiled and looked at the CFO and asked him to ask her to check her demanding tone and he complied. She got her knickers all in a knot and went stomping out of the conference room. The CFO and CEO chuckled when I raised my eyebrows with out a word at her departure. I couldn't understand why she left in such a huff. They explained to me that my countenance when I said No was quite intimidating and this is why she got defensive or upset with me. As I rose to leave I said No again with a smile asking if that was better.

I am left to wonder if being introverted NF is the gap in learning to be assertive without getting our emotions involved.

I agree with you but I think that is what makes us truly unique. We are like the fly on the wall, listening and observing all the morons in a conference without saying a word. And then when the moment is just right and we have something to say...BAM! We get looked at like we have 14 heads but they get the point LOUD and clear. I call it selective assertiveness. Contrast is best.

 

[Wyote]

I call it selective assertiveness. Contrast is best.

I wonder if most people are or attempt to be selectively assertive in different ways. Perhaps we are all a bit more assertive than we give ourselves credit for.
Being appropriately discerning for when it is more appropriate to be more assertive and having the ability to do so could have benefits that outweigh or at least level off any shortcomings one might have with a lack of extroversion.
It's no substitute really, but perhaps a good alternate path if used correctly.

 

[charlatan]

If we're talking non-Jungian theories, like the Big 5, actually assertiveness can be seen as a facet of Extraversion. The idea that an introvert is shy is not unrelated to other forms of lack of boldness in a social setting -- that includes assertiveness.

That said, this is all talking on the level of correlation: obviously there are taciturn but bold/assertive characters.

Personally, my recommendation is to think this way: there's neither some inherent reason you should have your needs met nor an inherent reason you shouldn't. Thus, as an organism faced with survival, you might as well err on the side of fighting for your needs -- while the external world is neutral to them, your internal drive is enough justification of its own right.

 

[WonkyOracle]

The best thing an introvert can do is improve in all areas and not just focus on being assertive. Being assertive without a proper foundation and understanding of one's own emotions and traits is about as good as being a glass cannon.

Knowing who you are and what you can bring to any situation always helps. Like most things in modern life, it's a skill and improves with practice. They have to figure out why they aren't assertive.. are they shy, insecure, find it difficult to speak up, do they have a small stature and believe nobody will take them seriously or is it a past trauma that has beaten them into a corner?

There is no quick fix, it takes time and effort but so long as they understand that being assertive doesn't mean turning into some Clint Eastwood type character then it should come to them in time. Knowing your facts, your position and being confident in yourself is a good foundation to work from.

A little pro tip on confidence if you don't have it to hand.

If you can't be confident in word or action, then be curious. Ask/say something out of curiosity. I've never known anybody to go from introvert to extrovert overnight or at the flick of a switch but I have seen people use curiosity to break their cycles, as we know People are creatures of habit and curiosity is a good remedy for that. Asking something out of curiosity will make it look like you are willing to learn and paying attention.

Nobody should beat themselves up for not having certain skills. Like I say, we're creatures of habit, we get used to our daily patterns and get comfortable, so when we start to use our minds or muscles they get sore and it discourages us. Just give it time and don't load too much on your shoulders at the beginning and it'll bloom when it's ready.

 

[Littlelissa]

Emotion sometimes gets the better of me when I try and speak up, so I can't approach it in the right way and may give up the attempt before I've even tried. Really I want to be assertive and clear but quite neutral so what I've said can come across properly. As it is I'm often afraid of causing offence and getting the tone wrong, and being misunderstood or dismissed and attacked in return. I can find it easier in a work situation than in my private life to say want I want to say. This is a problem with me and I want to get to grips with it and learn the art of assertion with calm and confidence. It surely is an essential life skill, else you continually become the scape goat of other's bad behaviour, insensitivity or garbage (however unconscious).

 

[14Sandals]

Thanks for the links. I'm severely lacking in assertiveness. I'm a turbulent type, not too shy or anxious, just awkward.
I'm the youngest in our family by ten years, which pretty much means I don't have any say in the house. When I was young, we were rich and I was spoiled so I had everything without even asking.

So it probably made things worse for me as an INFx on the autism spectrum... I mean, not too long ago everything was fine and I thought having it easy was normal. Now I have to communicate and even fight for my needs to be met.

Being laid back and unassuming is a cultural thing too. Females are generally expected to be like that. And I like in a country where getting along with community is everything. It's not very healthy for introverts. Sometimes you don't know what your real thoughts and emotions are until you can get away from all the noise. I think it's most important to be assertive about setting your boundaries first.

 

[Wyote]

If you can't be confident in word or action, then be curious

I think this is an important point. Maintaining a sense of curiosity about things also does well to assuage anger and frustration, which you may find yourself feeling in circumstances where you aren't able to be confident or assertive for whatever reason. Assertiveness is not always possible, and not always the right method.

 

[Vicarious]

I was forced to be more assertive working in the medical field.

I wasn’t always so assertive but, assertiveness was/is a necessity in many cases throughout my life...I just got used to it I think and I became more comfortable being assertive in other areas.

Same!

 

[Ryso89]

I am assertive. Very, under certain circumstances. Most of it is learned, so now it comes easy when I have to speak up.