[NSFW] Asexuality

[corvidae]

When I realized I wasn't straight, I assumed I was bi or gay. I still had trouble accepting that all these feelings that 90% of males have towards females, I would eventually transfer that to other males. But I had repressed the thoughts for 16 years of my life, maybe just give it time..?

4 years later, the transfer of desires has stalled. I still feel an affiliation for the LGBT community, and my gaydar is getting pretty good, but I still have less attraction towards guys than straight women, and less attraction towards women than straight men.

I do masturbate. But it feels more like a regular bodily function, like sneezing or blinking, than a release for personal desires. Fantasizing during the act ends up being counter-productive.

I was sexually bullied as a child, and sometimes I wonder if this has damaged me. I hesitate to call it sexual abuse, because we were both kids, and neither of us could have possibly understood what the events were beyond simple humiliation. I don't even think about it much anymore, nor do I hold a grudge. I consider myself pretty happy. My worry is that the events affected my development on such a sub-conscious level that forgiveness would not matter.

It is strange, because I'm in college and it's obvious that everyone is thinking about sex in some way or another. Other nerds may despair that they will be forever alone, but it's rare I ever feel like I'm unfulfilled while lacking what everyone else seems to want.

I know it's been a while since I've been here (as laofmoonster and tronpaul), but I'd appreciate any input on my situation.

 

[hush]

Even if you were asexual, there would be no reason to worry - plenty of people with all sorts of pasts are asexual, and perfectly happy with it. It could just be that this is who you are as a person, who you've always been. I'm sure you've probably already seen sites like this, but http://www.asexuality.org/home/ is a pretty good one.

Also, there's always the chance that you're a late bloomer sexually; some people come into their sexuality much later in life.

If you don't mind me asking, when you fantasize, what are the emotions associated with it that cause it to be counterproductive?

In any case, you're not damaged. You're perfect as you are. <3 In fact, such introspection and openness towards examining one's own sexuality would suggest that you're healthier than many - who might instead go their entire lives never connecting with who they truly are sexually, and thus never receiving the amount of satisfaction and contentment that they could've if they had embraced themselves.

 

[barbad0s]

Even if you were asexual, there would be no reason to worry - plenty of people with all sorts of pasts are asexual, and perfectly happy with it. It could just be that this is who you are as a person, who you've always been. I'm sure you've probably already seen sites like this, but http://www.asexuality.org/home/ is a pretty good one.

Also, there's always the chance that you're a late bloomer sexually; some people come into their sexuality much later in life.

If you don't mind me asking, when you fantasize, what are the emotions associated with it that cause it to be counterproductive?

In any case, you're not damaged. You're perfect as you are. <3 In fact, such introspection and openness towards examining one's own sexuality would suggest that you're healthier than many - who might instead go their entire lives never connecting with who they truly are sexually, and thus never receiving the amount of satisfaction and contentment that they could've if they had embraced themselves.

Wonderfully said what I tried and failed to articulate about this somewhat sensitive subject ^^"

 

[corvidae]

If you don't mind me asking, when you fantasize, what are the emotions associated with it that cause it to be counterproductive?

I dunno, it becomes distracting sometimes.

 

[Radiantshadow]

Low or nonexistent sex drive doesn't make you abnormal, it's just the society we live in that praises and promotes such things excessively. I straddle the fence between pansexuality and asexuality - I just don't feel physical or sexual attraction towards anyone. I skimmed through your original post, so if this doesn't answer your question or help in some way please tell me. An answer springed to mind and I wanted to release it before it disappeared.

 

[hush]

I dunno, it becomes distracting sometimes.

Do the images come unbidden, then, or do you at first intentionally fantasize because you assume it'll be helpful, only to have the fantasies ultimately detract from the experience? So, for whichever one, when the fantasies come up, you can't connect them with sexual thought and desire, and they almost seem like random images separate from and intruding onto the act? They don't repulse you in any way, they're mostly just a nuisance?

 

[David54]

you may also have low testosterone. . it would be worth consulting with your doctor. .

 

[udremeei]

I was sexually bullied as a child, and sometimes I wonder if this has damaged me. ... I don't even think about it much anymore, nor do I hold a grudge. I consider myself pretty happy. My worry is that the events affected my development on such a sub-conscious level that forgiveness would not matter.

It is strange, because I'm in college and it's obvious that everyone is thinking about sex in some way or another. Other nerds may despair that they will be forever alone, but it's rare I ever feel like I'm unfulfilled while lacking what everyone else seems to want.

Actually, you and I seem to be experience twins. I'm very much the same way (save that my admiration/attraction is usually towards either/any sex equally, with the exclusion of very masculine males). I had... similar experiences when I was young (don't care to go into details :/), and for a while I wondered if I, too, was damaged.

The fact is, though, it doesn't matter. Don't look back at the past and wonder what might have been. Accept what is, work with it, and grow towards the future.

I don't stop a lot and think what would have happened if I'd not lived the life I did. It's like regretting spilt milk. Nothing will make it all go back into the glass- or if it was put back, it'd never be the same.

You are who you are. You said you're content; accept that, be grateful for that. A lot of people feel an emptiness in their lives that they are constantly trying to fill. It seems that you, like me, don't. Be grateful. Would you really rather spend your time chasing after people who might eventually cause you great personal pain?

That said, I do have to add that if you're really not happy- if you feel like how you are is 'wrong' or ill-fitting, then you should maybe try seeking out a close friend, or perhaps a therapist, to work through your feelings on the matter.

For me, once I got over the being 'different' part, things looked up. I have my time to myself, I don't have to worry about trying to fill in a gap in my heart, and what little.. 'sexual' feelings I have are very easily taken care of. No STDs for me.

That's my $0.02, feel free to do whatever you'd like with it.

 

[Norton]

When I realized I wasn't straight, I assumed I was bi or gay. I still had trouble accepting that all these feelings that 90% of males have towards females, I would eventually transfer that to other males. But I had repressed the thoughts for 16 years of my life, maybe just give it time...

Forget about "normal" or "abnormal" because these mean nothing to you personally and the questions you have about yourself. You need to speak to a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in sexuality or, at least, has it as a major practice component. Only an expert is worth talking to about a complex subject like sexuality, despite the strong opinions of laymen.

you may also have low testosterone. . it would be worth consulting with your doctor. .

I am married to a physician who is an expert in such things. "Asexuality" or symptoms similar thereto can be caused by lower than average serum hormone levels. It is important to rule this out. If such is the case, treatment is available.

 

[invisible]

i was sexually bullied too and turned out gay. after a lot of soul searching i came to the conclusion that it had pretty much zero to do with why i'm gay.

you seem happy the way you are. leading a fulfilling existence and getting what you want to out of life. if that's the case, why worry about what anyone else thinks about who you are or what you should be doing? if you actually wanted to experience sexual desire but there was something somehow stopping you, then it might be a good time to seek some sort of medical or psychiatric attention or whatever, but if that isn't how things are, what's the point of fixing something that isn't broken? this should be about your quality of life and how you experience it, not what's considered "normal".

 

[invisible]

if you ask me, sexual desires can often lead to nothing more than a lot of very inconvenient energy-intensive frustration, and complicated relationships. sometimes i wished i would be asexual.

 

[corvidae]

Do the images come unbidden, then, or do you at first intentionally fantasize because you assume it'll be helpful, only to have the fantasies ultimately detract from the experience? So, for whichever one, when the fantasies come up, you can't connect them with sexual thought and desire, and they almost seem like random images separate from and intruding onto the act? They don't repulse you in any way, they're mostly just a nuisance?

Exactly, 100%. Kind of creepily accurate actually

 

[corvidae]

Thanks for the input, everyone. I doubt there's anything wrong with my testosterone levels. Physically, I'm normal for a 20 year old guy, if a bit thin (150 pounds/70 kg, 6 ft/1.82m).