Are you neat and tidy, or just wish to be?

[April]

@PintoBean "disappearing their shit" I love it! Haha it's so funny bc his mom told me she has done that to him before, when she'd asked him several times to clean and he didn't, she threw it away! Haha

 

[April]

@Sandie33 You are right, and going to school is a way of preparing myself for that choice when it comes. I know that either way, I have to be able to rely on myself. That is my first priority in all this. So that if I have to end up making that choice to leave later on, I can.

 

[April]

@Ginny ohhh there is tough love. And he does know what I need him to do and we've talked about therapy. I did tell him I'd go with him. He's still terrified of feeling uncomfortable. He knows exactly what my wishes and needs are. I've told him and written it to him, because I explain better on paper. I refuse to clean the mess that's in his area, I don't wash his clothes or anything anymore unless I see he is really trying, I don't cook for him anymore and I always make sure to tell him exactly what annoys me and what is making me so bitter and awful to him. I fear that I've left that out of all my posts, how awful I can be to him bc of all this. It doesn't happen every day but I can be downright evil toward him bc of the way he is. But I make sure that he knows why, and that if he wants me to react in a positive way he HAS to give me something positive to react TO. And so on and so forth. I'm not his slave or his maid, but I would naturally fall into that kind of role, pleasing him and taking care of him if my own needs were fulfilled. (Except sexually, I give him that anyway. I'm not a fan of withholding sex for anything. It only makes things worse and also why do I need to suffer more just to "punish" him? Sex is the only thing we do right, lol) Because if my needs were met, I would want to do those things for him. That's just naturally who I am, when I'm happy. But as of now I'm angry and resentful. But also hopeful that it could be different. If not, well that's why I'm going to school. My happiness and well being is MY responsibility and nobody else's. So that's what I'm going to strive for. Independence!

 

[April]

Should I rename this thread to something like "Relationships with gross people affecting your cleanliness"? Lol

Now I feel bad. I mean he is gross though! Why do I love him again? Lol.

 

[April]

@Roobarb&Custard you mentioned you think I'm an empath. I have wondered that about myself, but I don't know enough about the subject. Do you think that being an empath comes natural to us as INFJs or is it really just coincidence? I should research this. But what do you think?

 

[Littlelissa]

INFJS are often referred to as being empaths yes. It's spoken about in the typology. It just occurred to me that you are especially so, and it might also help explain your current situation... although a great many of us have similar issues to yourself.

 

[Ginny]

Seems to me like he's been difficult even from a young age and hasn't changed. By now it is probably unlikely that he will. This really reminds me of my father (may he rot in hell), when he still lived here. Only he wasn't just a narcissist but also a manipulative ***ist. He kept my mother from forming attachments to other people and getting a job. He has been like that since he was a teenager, it is how he got away with his shit for so long.

The best thing to do in that situation (if there is no chance of redemption) is to remove yourself from that toxic influence. But you're already starting the process as I read from your posts, so I needn't tell you that.

Grossness is a serious turn-off, I can't believe that you still do it. No offense intended, if that's what you go for, I'm not to judge you for it, but if the relationship doesn't work on a metaphysical level, if it there isn't this ineffable quality of unity (in an emotional, mental and practical way), I wouldn't be able to want to have sex with that person. And even if it were the only thing that worked, it would still be not enough reason to stay.

INFJs are considered empaths because our ability to "read" and "feel" people, due to this combination of Ni and Fe.

I think you also "channel" your Si through Fe, kind of, and that is the reason you stay. You got used to it, caring and protecting. You allow yourself to be vulnerable and it is an enviable quality, if only he didn't exploit it. I, on the other hand, have this protective mechanism that I withdraw feeling for other people when they don't deserve it (Ti & Fi). Maybe it's not exactly a withdrawral, but a transformation of feeling, only I don't show it (Fe - it's an unconscious process, but my personal feelings boil up from below when I'm alone), because I still care for people generally and hurting them deliberately is not something I am capable of. I merely wish to understand metacognitively: how and why is it that you stay?

 

[April]

@Ginny The grossness is definitely a turnoff, but it's not like he is walking around with snot and dirt cakes to his physical body lol. I am just a sexual person, and I have the ability to push all that aside in order to get what I want. It is no longer intimate on my part. I don't let him kiss me anymore. But when I want it, I want it. When he wants it, which isnt like every night, I give it because it benefits me as well. Great stress reliever, for me anyway. It could be said that I'm using him for that in a way. I dont feel like I am but sometimes he does. LOL. Good.

He has been trouble since his teens but not as bad as your dad is. He encourages me to have friends and see my family, is isnt possesive or jealous but if I started talking to another guy hed definitely freak out, understably. I have even considered doing just that, online only. But I didn't.

Hes been through a lot, and it shows. Since finding out he is ISTP and finding a way to make him healthier we have done better. We just have to stay on top of him, and I don't mind that part as much. If there was no good in him I would just cut my losses and find a place to go. As I said earlier though, I know it's coming to a head and things are going to change with or without him. I just know it

Edited to add.... Another great thing I dont wanna let go of is... He is very faithful! Doesnt care whatsoever about other women. And after being abused in that way by my ex (continuously talking to and dating others online and phone) that is a tremendous thing to me.

 

[April]

@Ginny I forgot to address the vulnerable vs protective wall thing. I think that now, I do have that protective wall with everyone else, after going through a major betrayal by my own mother who took me to court over my son. My bf and his family witnessed all this and were there through it all, and I think I don't have the wall with them because I lived with them while going through this, so couldn't quite shut them out entirely. But I am more skeptical and leery of everything and everyone else now, and it would take a LOT to be able to really trust someone enough to truly think they were my real friend. Make sense?

PS. My mother and stepfather won in court but not because the father and I were unfit, but because they had offered to help through our split, taking care of our son and providing money, and taking him to dr visits bc we worked, etc... All they had to do was prove they had been taking care of him for 6 months and it was considered that they were indeed the "de facto custodians". They saved receipts and planned everything behind my back bc they knew I trusted my mother. Well. Never again. Not gonna ever assume that anyone would never hurt me.

 

[Ginny]

@Ginny The grossness is definitely a turnoff, but it's not like he is walking around with snot and dirt cakes to his physical body lol. I am just a sexual person, and I have the ability to push all that aside in order to get what I want. It is no longer intimate on my part. I don't let him kiss me anymore. But when I want it, I want it. When he wants it, which isnt like every night, I give it because it benefits me as well. Great stress reliever, for me anyway. It could be said that I'm using him for that in a way. I dont feel like I am but sometimes he does. LOL. Good.

He has been trouble since his teens but not as bad as your dad is. He encourages me to have friends and see my family, is isnt possesive or jealous but if I started talking to another guy hed definitely freak out, understably. I have even considered doing just that, online only. But I didn't.

Hes been through a lot, and it shows. Since finding out he is ISTP and finding a way to make him healthier we have done better. We just have to stay on top of him, and I don't mind that part as much. If there was no good in him I would just cut my losses and find a place to go. As I said earlier though, I know it's coming to a head and things are going to change with or without him. I just know it

Edited to add.... Another great thing I dont wanna let go of is... He is very faithful! Doesnt care whatsoever about other women. And after being abused in that way by my ex (continuously talking to and dating others online and phone) that is a tremendous thing to me.

I didn't exactly mean it to these extremes, but then again it also read a bit extreme from your side. I really hope he can turn the corner, for both of your benefit.

@Ginny I forgot to address the vulnerable vs protective wall thing. I think that now, I do have that protective wall with everyone else, after going through a major betrayal by my own mother who took me to court over my son. My bf and his family witnessed all this and were there through it all, and I think I don't have the wall with them because I lived with them while going through this, so couldn't quite shut them out entirely. But I am more skeptical and leery of everything and everyone else now, and it would take a LOT to be able to really trust someone enough to truly think they were my real friend. Make sense?

PS. My mother and stepfather won in court but not because the father and I were unfit, but because they had offered to help through our split, taking care of our son and providing money, and taking him to dr visits bc we worked, etc... All they had to do was prove they had been taking care of him for 6 months and it was considered that they were indeed the "de facto custodians". They saved receipts and planned everything behind my back bc they knew I trusted my mother. Well. Never again. Not gonna ever assume that anyone would never hurt me.

I'm sorry for you. I can at least rely on my mother, but I know betrayal from someone inside the family is hard to get over. You just don't have to let it ruin your future relationships. I hope everything turns out okay for you. I think I can safely say this for most if not all the people here that we'll stand by you in your journey forward.

Stay strong

 

[James]

@April as much as you love your partner, and want to help him, prioritise your children's and your own well being.

Hopefully he will resolve his issues, but that's his responsibility. I know that is difficult, but I think that's the best thing. Being untidy is one thing, but I think what you've described goes beyond that.

Simply put, they're children and he's an adult. Best wishes.

 

[Happy Phantom]

I am and feel happy when things are organized and tidy. That being said my house is a mess atm and it bothers me. lol

 

[Happy Phantom]

@James does your “like” mean you're available to organizing and clean my house? If so what is your hourly rate?

 

[James]

@James does your “like” mean you're available to organizing and clean my house? If so what is your hourly rate?

You just wanna see me in a maids outfit admit it.

 

[Pin]

I can only get so messy before I have to clean. There's a limit.

I can have my socks and boxers on the floor for 30 minutes before I remove them but nothing else, everything else goes in its correct place.

 

[Happy Phantom]

I can only get so messy before I have to clean. There's a limit.

I can have my socks and boxers on the floor for 30 minutes before I remove them but nothing else, everything else goes in its correct place.

Are these floor socks and boxers clean, dirty or a mixture of both? Also why wait so long to tidy up? Is it because you’re too lazy to care?

 

[MrSquared]

I will leave the mess when I'm not there. When it's out of mind, etc.

But if I'm at that locations...it will at least appear to be tidy before any true thought gets done.

 

[Pin]

Are these floor socks and boxers clean, dirty or a mixture of both?

Dirty, they often fall to the ground from my bed during sleep or other habits.

Also why wait so long to tidy up?

I have a one-track mind and prefer to focus by order of importance.

Is it because you’re too lazy to care?

You're too lazy to care.