Advice for a girl and relationships | INFJ Forum

Advice for a girl and relationships

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by mattysly, Jun 24, 2009.

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  1. mattysly

    mattysly Newbie

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    Hi guys,

    I need some advice with dating and getting over someone. I think i should explain myself. I met a girl a couple of years ago at a party and we connected (I now think she is another INFJ). However, she said she didn't want a boyfriend, so I respected her decision, we remained friends and remained able to communicate on the same NF level.

    Anyway we didnt see each other for a few months at the end of last year (I had some other stuff going on that I've now dealt with), and we caught up with her telling me that she has a boyfriend. So I was pretty hurt by this, so INFJ of me lol. Anyway I think he's an ISTJ and he is actually a decent guy, but they are very different, and I thought the relationship would end of its own accord.

    But they are now in a relationship on facebook, which also hurts. So what do I do, I'm not a fan of the dating scene, but I feel I need to get over her.

    Wow thats a lot of writing lol.



    Please help a struggling INFJ!!

    Thanks
     
  2. Tamagochi

    Tamagochi Sushi Destroyer
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    the best cure would be to get a new gf for yourself I think ;)

    If it's hard, then you can stop and think on a few things:
    - what was working in your relationship?
    - what was not working?
    - what irritates you about that particular girl?
    - what can you learn for future relationships?
     
  3. rainrise

    rainrise Community Member

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    it's not easy getting over someone, that i know. it may be harder to let go particularly becuase your relationship with her was not set in stone, which casts a shadow of potential hope for the situation to blossom in the future.

    when you've identified your feelings with someone and invested energy in winning them over, in the process depending on how much you like them, it may seem natural for you to see yourself with them or to attach them to your own identity (even so subconsiously). sometimes, you've invested enough to make it seem as if you two were "meant to be". yet, that is just a clever conjuration of the mind that has sprung from expectations, hopes, and fears. these emotions may be very real, but in reality they may only be to you or they may only appear to be so particularly because they have a life of their own (or in other words, have taken you over as romantic love tends to do).

    when we lose that person and becuase we've identified our sense of self with them, it hurts becuase it seems as though we've lost part of ourselves. it is hard to let go of that part of ourselves we believe we have lost, especially when there seems still to be hope of getting it back (having the person return to us?). then, the pain only amplifies when you see that the other person has found someone else (in other words, when something that you've identified as yours is given to another).

    ultimately, what she does is her decision. it may be painful for you, but you can just as well decide how it is you want to react to it and what your next steps are. it's hard, but it may become easier with time.

    i think Tamagochi has listed some very good questions to ponder :)

    best of luck
     
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  4. SpoofyMcPoof

    SpoofyMcPoof Community Member

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    Move on. One-sided attraction never goes well especially if that person is taken.

    Lucky for you there are lots of other great girls out there! Look at the big picture and it becomes easier. It's hard, but it will pass.

    Trust me, it's happened to me dozens of times :m080:
     
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  5. OP
    mattysly

    mattysly Newbie

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    Appreciate the advice guys. You all make some valid points. Now I just have to take the advice and move forward and realise that I do not need to define myself by being in a relationship with this girl. I have to create my own identity for myself. Which I'm finding I'm moving closer to than at any other time in my life.
     
  6. Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    I agree with all of the above.

    I know this is so cliche... but you'll always be disappointed by others. It doesn't matter how long you've known them or how long you've been with them. They're not perfect and neither are you (or me, for that matter). Put two imperfect people together and what do you get? An imperfect relationship that will, at some point, disappoint you.

    The way I've been working on this (been single for over a year and a half now...) is I've been working on liking me more :m171:
    That way when things don't work out with other people and the circumstances surround me, I can shake it off pretty quickly - not that it doesn't hurt at all. Hah.. I just got rejected on Sunday night last week :m104:
     
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