A Suicidal Friend | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

A Suicidal Friend

i hate the word depression. there is hardly a more undifferentiated word in psychology and there seems to be an agreement that the psychological state of depressive people must remain undifferentiated because depression is so horrible that looking at it would make us turn to stone - and kill the affected person. nobody can know depression.
 
i mean, since we were just taking about adding fear ....
 
Nick Wolf said:
When she talks to me all I seem to do is listen and nod my head.
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Keep up the good work!

Counseling is different from giving advice. You're trying to absorb her emotions and reflect them back at her so that she can look at them objectively. You want her to solve her own problems.

Suicide is often a result of feeling helpless, i.e., people feel like they've lost control. Help her feel empowered.

I reiterate, if she becomes an immediate danger to herself or others, you need to intervene.
 
nanook said:
i hate the word depression. there is hardly a more undifferentiated word in psychology and there seems to be an agreement that the psychological state of depressive people must remain undifferentiated because depression is so horrible that looking at it would make us turn to stone - and kill the affected person. nobody can know depression.
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...and that's one of the reasons I'm just a volunteer. Being a counselor is BRUTAL.
 
maybe a counselor who is comfortable with being "brutal" projects an inspiring degree of owning self and live.
 
Final said:
...and that's one of the reasons I'm just a volunteer. Being a counselor is BRUTAL.
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This is the truth. I'd like to be a counselor, but I'm starting to have second thoughts on whether I can handle it or not. I know I've confused the shit out of my counselor, and I certainly wouldn't want a patient like me.
 
There's different types of counseling, J. Card - you can work with adults or kids, you can work as an academic counselor or a workforce counselor...there are more options than you realize! Don't think you have to keep with one form of counseling to be successful.
 
Very true. I don't really know why I wrote that...

I've been in a pretty bad spot lately so I guess I'm being overly negative. This thread somewhat applies to me, although I'm not in imminent danger where it sounds like the OP's friend may be (or at least approaching).
 
I met her again over the weekend but this time she didn't want to talk at all. I was the one who had to bring it up but she just ignored everything I said. I was mildly annoyed especially after all the trouble I went to researching suicide and tracking down councilors and psychologists (which isn't easy in a country with such little regard for mental health).

I think she believed she had shown too much of herself, she had exposed all these weaknesses to a person she barely knew and now felt vulnerable. She kept trying to switch the conversation back onto myself, in a way she was trying to make me do the same thing she did, expose all my inner demons to her. I don't think she'll bring up the subject of her suicide again unless I open up to her, but I'm extremely uncomfortable with doing that.
 
I'd be extremely uncomfortable if someone were trying to "fix" me after I opened up to them if they refused to open up to me. Openness, honesty, vulnerability... it's a two-way street.

EDIT: Do you think she was comfortable opening up about something so deep, so taboo, so potentially disastrous? Are you willing to be uncomfortable to help her? It's never easy nor can it be clinically detached when you involve yourself in someone else's life. Why should she trust you if you won't trust her?

EDIT 2: I'm not saying you need to open up to her. I'm just saying don't be surprised if you don't get any further without it. You need to decide what to do in this case.
 
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She might feel embarrassed as well - I know after I drop an emotional bomb on someone I usually try to avoid the subject if there was an awkward silence when I brought it up. But you know what? Just let her know that you cared about what she had to say, and that if she ever wants to talk about it you're there for her. Don't thrust the pamphelets in her hand or tell her she "has" to do this thing or that thing. Just remind her that the door is open and that you're ready to listen if/when she's ready to talk.
 
Oh my. I've been through this several times with friends. It isn't easy and you'll pretty much have to walk on eggshells.

Be her confidant. If she's telling you these things, that's what she's looking for. If she were going to commit suicide, she would have already followed through with it. The fact that she's telling you about her thoughts shows that she's feeling alone and is only contemplating suicide. Most people that I've dealt with that confide on someone the way she is won't commit the act. With suicides, it tends to be more spontaneous. They didn't confide or seek help- they just did it.

Listen with open ears and try to tell her the wonderful beauties of life. There are people around her that I'm sure care if she were to do something as drastic as that. Try and help her find a long-term goal and help her to achieve it. Figure out her interests or help her find new interests. If she's into music, either show her bands that have upbeat messages or look for a different perspective in the messages of bands she already listens to.

It's a difficult process but, as long as you show her that you care, that's one more person that she thinks cares for her than before.
 
the very fact that you said that you don't know her very well and she is still confiding in you signifies to me that she is getting exactly what she needs from her conversations with you. so keep listening and nodding. maybe encourage her to rethink her status on meds because if she has been suffering for years already she obviously needs some outside help. i know alot of people are suggesting that she sees a counselor, which is probably a good idea. the only thing is that counseling is only now beginning to become regulated in ireland so you need to be careful with your selection. practically anyone can practice as it stands and i've heard alot of anecdotal evidence about and had my own experiences with bad counsellors. if she is willing to go you should look on the national counselling institute of ireland website. hope it all works out for her and that you're not feeling too weighed down under the pressure yourself
 
oh one more thing, if you are sensing that she is asking you for more than you can give you should simply tell her that, in a gentle but clear manner. if you say nothing and an awkwardness grows she may feel even worse for having said what she said and infer other possible reasons.
 
Nick Wolf said:
A friend of mine is having a very difficult time with depression and has recently told me that she planning to commit suicide. From what I know of her she's not the type of person to say such things simply because she wants attention. I want to help her but I have no idea how, I have never suffered from depression and don't know what she is going through. On top of that I don't even know if she even wants advice or just wants to confide in someone who won't judge her.

I would be grateful for any advice from someone who either knows about depression or has experienced what my friend is going through.
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I've personally experienced what your friend is going through.

Everyone tries that sort of thing for there own reason, and their own rationalizations for the obvious pitfalls of suicide.

Encourage her to get help, find out those rationalizations are, and convince her that their wrong.

Most important let her how many people would be hurt by all that and that you would miss her terribly and that your there for her etc etc.
 
Lucifer said:
Most important let her how many people would be hurt by all that and that you would miss her terribly and that your there for her etc etc.
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You might not want to tell her that people would miss her because that might be part of her reasoning for why she wants to commit suicide. But since I don't know her specific situation this might help, but before you reason that people would miss her, i would make sure that this isn't part of her reasoning for wanting to commit suicide.
 
texasgirl said:
You might not want to tell her that people would miss her because that might be part of her reasoning for why she wants to commit suicide. But since I don't know her specific situation this might help, but before you reason that people would miss her, i would make sure that this isn't part of her reasoning for wanting to commit suicide.
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All I know is that it helped me when my friends told me that they really cared.
 
yea sometimes it works but I had a friend who wanted to kill herself because her family ignored her etc so yeah... each situations different and it needs to be treated delicately
 
texasgirl said:
yea sometimes it works but I had a friend who wanted to kill herself because her family ignored her etc so yeah... each situations different and it needs to be treated delicately
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True.
 
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