I dont really have a specific question or anything just more of a rambling, hoping for some comments? I have a desire to be extroverted, I feel as though I hate being introverted. I think its probably mostly because I am a middle child, I always got in trouble at school when I was young seeking attention. I pretty much spend most of my time alone, working on my goals, i'm kind of obsessed. But, out of desire for a close friend (which I am yet to ever meet), I go to parties on weekends whenever I know about one with people I know there. Maybe every other weekend. The people I meet with are mostly based around my best friend from the first day of highschool until now. Such A weird relationship. I never liked him, never related to him, I think he is a dick, and he always hurt my feelings, and of course has never had any idea. He is a sports guy (ESTP I would say), completely opposite of me, but we were both weirdos in highschool with no other friends so we always hung out, we were both bullied. Though he has an ego made of rock, it never affected him much, he never stopped being outgoing and he has lots of friends now.
Anyways back to the main story... I think I shapeshift to an extrovert whenever I drink... I love getting drunk because I have this desire to become an rowdy immature extrovert, thats why I go to parties. I think my social anxiety is majorly a result of this wanting to be an outgoing person, but really being a quiet person. The thing is I think a lot of the people who I meet at these parties never get to know who I really am, and thats truly what I really want, a close connection... someone who can relate to me and I can relate to them. I generally am worn out after several hours of "extroversion mode", and if I am with people when i get burnt out I usually walk way ahead or go off by myself and think... often if I am drunk + burnt out from shapeshifting I might cry. Drinking is not always that enjoyable either a lot of the time it makes me feel uncomfortable and down. I just live off the thrill that I think people are "noticing me".
Maybe, I should practice being myself more at parties, maybe this isn't healthy for my minds well being. I really just want to meet someone like me, and it obviously wont happen when I am acting like the opposite person of who I really am. Anyways... I just felt like writing that down, Thoughts? Anybody here live in Toronto?
Anyways back to the main story... I think I shapeshift to an extrovert whenever I drink... I love getting drunk because I have this desire to become an rowdy immature extrovert, thats why I go to parties. I think my social anxiety is majorly a result of this wanting to be an outgoing person, but really being a quiet person. The thing is I think a lot of the people who I meet at these parties never get to know who I really am, and thats truly what I really want, a close connection... someone who can relate to me and I can relate to them. I generally am worn out after several hours of "extroversion mode", and if I am with people when i get burnt out I usually walk way ahead or go off by myself and think... often if I am drunk + burnt out from shapeshifting I might cry. Drinking is not always that enjoyable either a lot of the time it makes me feel uncomfortable and down. I just live off the thrill that I think people are "noticing me".
Maybe, I should practice being myself more at parties, maybe this isn't healthy for my minds well being. I really just want to meet someone like me, and it obviously wont happen when I am acting like the opposite person of who I really am. Anyways... I just felt like writing that down, Thoughts? Anybody here live in Toronto?