A Personal Insight

[Dee8822]

I dont really have a specific question or anything just more of a rambling, hoping for some comments? I have a desire to be extroverted, I feel as though I hate being introverted. I think its probably mostly because I am a middle child, I always got in trouble at school when I was young seeking attention. I pretty much spend most of my time alone, working on my goals, i'm kind of obsessed. But, out of desire for a close friend (which I am yet to ever meet), I go to parties on weekends whenever I know about one with people I know there. Maybe every other weekend. The people I meet with are mostly based around my best friend from the first day of highschool until now. Such A weird relationship. I never liked him, never related to him, I think he is a dick, and he always hurt my feelings, and of course has never had any idea. He is a sports guy (ESTP I would say), completely opposite of me, but we were both weirdos in highschool with no other friends so we always hung out, we were both bullied. Though he has an ego made of rock, it never affected him much, he never stopped being outgoing and he has lots of friends now.

Anyways back to the main story... I think I shapeshift to an extrovert whenever I drink... I love getting drunk because I have this desire to become an rowdy immature extrovert, thats why I go to parties. I think my social anxiety is majorly a result of this wanting to be an outgoing person, but really being a quiet person. The thing is I think a lot of the people who I meet at these parties never get to know who I really am, and thats truly what I really want, a close connection... someone who can relate to me and I can relate to them. I generally am worn out after several hours of "extroversion mode", and if I am with people when i get burnt out I usually walk way ahead or go off by myself and think... often if I am drunk + burnt out from shapeshifting I might cry. Drinking is not always that enjoyable either a lot of the time it makes me feel uncomfortable and down. I just live off the thrill that I think people are "noticing me".

Maybe, I should practice being myself more at parties, maybe this isn't healthy for my minds well being. I really just want to meet someone like me, and it obviously wont happen when I am acting like the opposite person of who I really am. Anyways... I just felt like writing that down, Thoughts? Anybody here live in Toronto?

 

[Rach]

Hi Dee, I'm new here but not new to being INFJ.

Your post struck me as I did the same thing with boozing and partying starting in my late 20's, and for the same reasons you describe.

I never really liked myself or "got" myself and why I was so different from everyone I knew. So I started drinking to be more like everyone else. Then I became addicted to booze...my drinking went on for WAY too long but I won't go into that.

I don't drink anymore and I have learned to like and accept myself, still learning. It feels a lot better than trying to be someone you are not, this is is the first time in my life I've felt excited for the future and excited to be ME.

My experience was that it was not only draining and exhausting to try to be someone I wasn't, it was also like I was stuffing my soul into a small box.

I know we all have our own experiences and I don't know if this touches anything at all in you, but from my heart to yours, please be careful with the substances.

 

[5r6jhd]

Yeah, I Felt that way my whole teen years. Best to stop drinking, I also developed an alcohol problem from doing this!

I don't know about people here, but my best friends are both INFJs bizzarrely enough, and this doesn't seem to be an uncommon story from the young INFJ.

For me, I found it was all about coming to terms with who I was and exploring and celebrating those differences instead of hating and berating myself. I really like who I am now...all of my quriks and differences, and allowing myself to be myself and like myself gave me a confidence that attracted other people who also like me for me.

Are you still in high school? High schools a bitch. College opens up so many new people and new experiences. Don't worry, you're gonna be just fine I'm around if you ever want to talk!

 

[Dee8822]

Thanks guys, haha definitely no need to worry about the substances, I guess what i wrote made me come off as an alcoholic, haha. I never drink unless its socially, I would never drink alone, not enjoyable. The thing is I generally have a good time with a party + alcohol, but sometimes it can be less than helpful for how I feel. No, i'm not in high school (22 years old). I'm going to a party this saturday, i'm thinking that my acting like another type of person is probably a cause of emotional instability. Than the issue is that if I am myself, I probably won't be doing much socializing, unless its one on one with someone. Anyways, I'll continue trying to fit into my own self more. I have never known another INFJ in person, at least that I know of. Thanks for the comments!

 

[Davidian]

I know what you mean. But think that desire is due to INFJs being more extroverted than most I's. Drinking just makes me sleepy, so I can't say I've used it the same way as you. I do know that I can get in a more extroverted mood, especially if I'm really tired. But idk, the only way I've felt better in regards to what you brought up is to just figure out who I am and go with that, rather than try to be something different. I think INFJs are good at being different, being chameleons, etc...But it's never very comfortable.

Anyway, it sounds like you're on the right path so good luck to you. And unfortunately I don't live anywhere close to toronto. I'm in Calif.

 

[Leticia Mejor]

'Maybe, I should practice being myself more at parties' my friends are all IN/ENTJ/INTP types, try finding people like that to party with. You may not feel the need to hide your identity as much and use alcohol in the same manner.