[INTJ] - What's INTJ's thought process when he says/acts this way? | INFJ Forum

[INTJ] What's INTJ's thought process when he says/acts this way?

Boots

Boots

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Apr 30, 2020
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Hi!

I'm an INFJ and he's an INTJ. We've had such an insanely long history of liking each other (think 10 years), but due to circumstances, we never got a chance to be together. During this period of time, we'd reconnect then disconnect, reconnect and then disconnect... This goes on for about 10 years. Recently, we reconnected, but again, the timing is really bad, yet, we gave it a try anyway. Things were really hot and heavy very fast, saying "I love you" very early on and everything in between–I think we were both rushing and compensating for the times we lost over the years.

Anyway, we did struggle to find footing because of the less-than-ideal timing I mentioned and it led him to basically saying he doesn't feel good about our current "situation" and that he'd like to slow things down and take a step back. He wants to properly date me and get to know me, but not like this. Most importantly, he added that he still wanted an opportunity for us to be together. Now, I'm not a fussy lover, if you tell me you need something, I take it quite literally. So I asked him if by "slowing things down," he'd like to give each other space and time apart, and then we can reconnect later? He said yes and I left it at that–no more questions asked.

This all happened two weeks ago. Other than reaching out to him to wish him a happy birthday a week after we had this conversation–and we told each other we missed one another–I've basically had no contact with him at all.

What is your experience with/as INTJs when they/you feel and say something like this?

What are you guys thinking?

And am I doing the right thing here?

Thanks all.
 
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Boots said:
Hi!

I'm an INFJ and he's an INTJ. We've had such an insanely long history of liking each other (think 10 years), but due to circumstances, we never got a chance to be together. During this period of time, we'd reconnect then disconnect, reconnect and then disconnect... This goes on for about 10 years. Recently, we reconnected, but again, the timing is really bad, yet, we gave it a try anyway. Things were really hot and heavy very fast, saying "I love you" very early on and everything in between–I think we were both rushing and compensating for the times we lost over the years.

Anyway, we did struggle to find footing because of the less-than-ideal timing I mentioned and it led him to basically saying he doesn't feel good about our current "situation" and that he'd like to slow things down and take a step back. He wants to properly date me and get to know me, but not like this. Most importantly, he added that he still wanted an opportunity for us to be together. Now, I'm not a fussy lover, if you tell me you need something, I take it quite literally. So I asked him if by "slowing things down," he'd like to give each other space and time apart, and then we can reconnect later? He said yes and I left it at that–no more questions asked.

This all happened two weeks ago. Other than reaching out to him to wish him a happy birthday a week after we had this conversation–and we told each other we missed one another–I've basically had no contact with him at all.

What is your experience with/as INTJs when they/you feel and say something like this?

What are you guys thinking?

And am I doing the right thing here?

Thanks all.
Click to expand...

Not an INTJ, but just my thoughts on the situation.

He says he wants to date you, but he isn't arranging any dates and he wants some time apart? That seems a little odd. Did he give any reasoning?

If its a long distance thing I can say as someone who has been in a long distance relationship that communication is crucial.

Communication has always been something I consider very important to a successful relationship and whilst I don't know enough details that does seem to be lacking here.

I used to talk to my now wife pretty much every day, if only for an hour or so. Chat about our day, whats going on, maybe watch some movies or youtube videos together on line.

There is plenty you can do as a pair which slows things down but also keeps communication going.

If he is busy with work or life, surely he can spare an hour or so each day, maybe over dinner because everyone has to eat, or a few hours at the weekend.

Regardless, if the relationship is to work, communication is vital and making sure you both have your priorities straight is also important.
 
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As someone who went through a whirlwind type romance with an INTJ who abruptly cut me off, I think you have to take what he said at face value and move forward. It seems he thinks that a relationship right now is just not going to work so he's cutting the whole thing off altogether until it can. That would be my impression. If he wants to talk or rekindle things he'll come to you but I wouldn't wait around.
 
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I guess it all depends on what the 'ideal timing' really is. There's lots of different barriers to relationships and if you accept this as a valid one, then you should give him space. It sounds more like he doesn't want to catch feelings right now because he's got something else going on and wants to focus on that.

In the meantime, don't put your life on hold for him. He's not putting his on hold for you. Do what you'd do if he was completely out of the picture.
 
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As someone that's been married to an INTJ for freakin ever, I can safely say that he added you to his list of potential long-term mates when/if his ducks are all in a row to pursue a serious relationship. They usually don't beat around the bush with this sort of thing and while they can and sometimes will wait for a time in their life that's perfect for them... it kinda leaves you up in the air. There is no perfect timing for either of you. I say move on and find a way to improve your life for you. You should't have to wait on his indecision.
 
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SpecialEdition said:
As someone who went through a whirlwind type romance with an INTJ who abruptly cut me off, I think you have to take what he said at face value and move forward. It seems he thinks that a relationship right now is just not going to work so he's cutting the whole thing off altogether until it can. That would be my impression. If he wants to talk or rekindle things he'll come to you but I wouldn't wait around.
Click to expand...

Misadventure said:
As someone that's been married to an INTJ for freakin ever, I can safely say that he added you to his list of potential long-term mates when/if his ducks are all in a row to pursue a serious relationship. They usually don't beat around the bush with this sort of thing and while they can and sometimes will wait for a time in their life that's perfect for them... it kinda leaves you up in the air. There is no perfect timing for either of you. I say move on and find a way to improve your life for you. You should't have to wait on his indecision.
Click to expand...

This is pretty much consistent with my experience with INTJs and makes sense given the type...They generally have a knack for figuring what is the best for them given all the data, and with relationships/emotional matters their feelings serve as justification.
 
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Boots said:
Hi!

I'm an INFJ and he's an INTJ. We've had such an insanely long history of liking each other (think 10 years), but due to circumstances, we never got a chance to be together. During this period of time, we'd reconnect then disconnect, reconnect and then disconnect... This goes on for about 10 years. Recently, we reconnected, but again, the timing is really bad, yet, we gave it a try anyway. Things were really hot and heavy very fast, saying "I love you" very early on and everything in between–I think we were both rushing and compensating for the times we lost over the years.

Anyway, we did struggle to find footing because of the less-than-ideal timing I mentioned and it led him to basically saying he doesn't feel good about our current "situation" and that he'd like to slow things down and take a step back. He wants to properly date me and get to know me, but not like this. Most importantly, he added that he still wanted an opportunity for us to be together. Now, I'm not a fussy lover, if you tell me you need something, I take it quite literally. So I asked him if by "slowing things down," he'd like to give each other space and time apart, and then we can reconnect later? He said yes and I left it at that–no more questions asked.

This all happened two weeks ago. Other than reaching out to him to wish him a happy birthday a week after we had this conversation–and we told each other we missed one another–I've basically had no contact with him at all.

What is your experience with/as INTJs when they/you feel and say something like this?

What are you guys thinking?

And am I doing the right thing here?

Thanks all.
Click to expand...

Here is my perspective as an INTJ.

We don’t like wasting our time with insignificant people. We only have a few contacts and the few that are are very dear to us. Since you two have been at it a decade it’s pretty clear he is serious about you.

But in typical INTJ fashion we tend to over analyze things, which makes us take a longgggggggggg time to make big decisions. As an INTJ, marriage is the most difficult decision for us to make. It’s no surprise he is a bit overwhelmed from the sudden close contact when he is used to being logical and independent all the time.

But since he said he loves you that might mean he is really really serious. I’ve never said “I love you” to anyone in my life. Not even my own mother.

Most likely he is just uncomfortable with suddenly having a very close relationship and is over analyzing things. If I were him I would want at least a couple weeks to think hard about committing to you permanently before making a decision.

So my suggestion is that if you really love him then slowly ease on the affection till you two get comfortable and work things out. If he still doesn’t decide then confront him and push him to make a final decision or else he will get stuck in over analysis for eternity
 
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Reason said:
When you talk about "timing" it makes me wonder- are you just getting out of a relationship or about to move to Siberia to live in a wig wam? What does that mean specifically?
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Hi Reason,

Good intuition. I was just getting out of a dying long-term relationship--in typical INFJ fashion, letting things go for far too long until I've reached my "limit."
 
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Steven2555 said:
Here is my perspective as an INTJ.

We don’t like wasting our time with insignificant people. We only have a few contacts and the few that are are very dear to us. Since you two have been at it a decade it’s pretty clear he is serious about you.

But in typical INTJ fashion we tend to over analyze things, which makes us take a longgggggggggg time to make big decisions. As an INTJ, marriage is the most difficult decision for us to make. It’s no surprise he is a bit overwhelmed from the sudden close contact when he is used to being logical and independent all the time.

But since he said he loves you that might mean he is really really serious. I’ve never said “I love you” to anyone in my life. Not even my own mother.

Most likely he is just uncomfortable with suddenly having a very close relationship and is over analyzing things. If I were him I would want at least a couple weeks to think hard about committing to you permanently before making a decision.

So my suggestion is that if you really love him then slowly ease on the affection till you two get comfortable and work things out. If he still doesn’t decide then confront him and push him to make a final decision or else he will get stuck in over analysis for eternity
Click to expand...

Thank you for that thoughtful response, Steven. Realistically, I think this space thing will do us a lot of good (or bad, I don't know?), but I can't see us doing "proper dating" (like he said) during this covid19 ordeal (and while my old flame is still lingering due to circumstances out of my control right now). As an INTJ yourself, what would go through your mind if I just don't reach out to you at all for a while? When you're the one who made the initial suggestion for space, would you think my lack of outreach as a negative thing?
 
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noisebloom said:
This is pretty much consistent with my experience with INTJs and makes sense given the type...They generally have a knack for figuring what is the best for them given all the data, and with relationships/emotional matters their feelings serve as justification.
Click to expand...

We've been at
Misadventure said:
As someone that's been married to an INTJ for freakin ever, I can safely say that he added you to his list of potential long-term mates when/if his ducks are all in a row to pursue a serious relationship. They usually don't beat around the bush with this sort of thing and while they can and sometimes will wait for a time in their life that's perfect for them... it kinda leaves you up in the air. There is no perfect timing for either of you. I say move on and find a way to improve your life for you. You should't have to wait on his indecision.
Click to expand...

Thank you, noisebloom and misadventure. I appreciate that feedback. Whenever we've reached this juncture in the past ten years, we do what we do best, he focuses on himself, and I will focus on myself.
 
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ReasonEnduring said:
Not an INTJ, but just my thoughts on the situation.

He says he wants to date you, but he isn't arranging any dates and he wants some time apart? That seems a little odd. Did he give any reasoning?

If its a long distance thing I can say as someone who has been in a long distance relationship that communication is crucial.

Communication has always been something I consider very important to a successful relationship and whilst I don't know enough details that does seem to be lacking here.

I used to talk to my now wife pretty much every day, if only for an hour or so. Chat about our day, whats going on, maybe watch some movies or youtube videos together on line.

There is plenty you can do as a pair which slows things down but also keeps communication going.

If he is busy with work or life, surely he can spare an hour or so each day, maybe over dinner because everyone has to eat, or a few hours at the weekend.

Regardless, if the relationship is to work, communication is vital and making sure you both have your priorities straight is also important.
Click to expand...

When our walls are not up, our communication is so beautiful, when they are, it crumbles like a house of cards. Something we could both work on definitely.
 
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Boots said:
When our walls are not up, our communication is so beautiful, when they are, it crumbles like a house of cards. Something we could both work on definitely.
Click to expand...
this seems a bit off to me. If he wants to be with you, then here's his chance. I can't help but think there is some other agenda or thing going on that you are not aware of. I mean, if he loves you, why isn't he with you. . I love you and I need time away after ten years off and on don't add up well to me. .
 
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I wondered when reading this if one or both of you were already in other relationships or had just ended another relationship. INTJs seem to know exactly what they want and go for it. They've got it all mapped out. Either there are complications involved that would create distraction from other endeavors or goals that he's focusing on (prioritizing) right now or he's not that serious or someone else is in the way. That's just my read. I can't imagine an INTJ telling anyone they love them if they don't mean it. Or being wishy washy with their feelings. They seem like once they develop feelings it's very difficult to let go and they are all in. Usually they are quite pushy when they have an idea of what or who they want--maybe unless someone else is in the way romantically. Hard to say but good luck. I would just say that giving space is good. But telling him how you feel and where you stand; what you want and expect may clear things up. If there is someone else standing in the way then nothing will change until one of you takes steps to remove that obstacle.
 
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acd said:
I wondered when reading this if one or both of you were already in other relationships or had just ended another relationship. INTJs seem to know exactly what they want and go for it. They've got it all mapped out. Either there are complications involved that would create distraction from other endeavors or goals that he's focusing on (prioritizing) right now or he's not that serious or someone else is in the way. That's just my read. I can't imagine an INTJ telling anyone they love them if they don't mean it. Or being wishy washy with their feelings. They seem like once they develop feelings it's very difficult to let go and they are all in. Usually they are quite pushy when they have an idea of what or who they want--maybe unless someone else is in the way romantically. Hard to say but good luck. I would just say that giving space is good. But telling him how you feel and where you stand; what you want and expect may clear things up. If there is someone else standing in the way then nothing will change until one of you takes steps to remove that obstacle.
Click to expand...

Thank you for that. I think space is the best thing for now because as you pointed out, there are just too many obstacles in the way. We were both aware of these roadblocks but took the plunge because we were too eager to be together, and now we're realizing that we should've been patient.

The hardest part is that we both get stuck in the habit of "waiting" for the right time (hence, the ten years of back and forth) and end up creating more obstacles for ourselves, and then there's more waiting as a result.
 
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