Why do I avoid doing things with people when I want a lasting frienship so bad?

April

April

Normal Weirdo :)
MBTI
INFJ
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296 sx/so
The title is the one of the most prominent problems I have in my social life. I get these urges to do things with people but, something- possibly the fear of awkwardness, causes me to hesitate to do things with people when I clearly want to be around that person, get to know or bond with that person.

I think that is one of the reasons I may have disappeared from the forum for awhile. I don't know, it also had a lot to do with school, not having hardly any time to be alone and process anything that I was going through.

But there are a few people in my life, one being a former cousin by marriage, who I absolutely adore and would LOVE to hang out with but I just... don't. I love when she shows up and she is my hairdresser so I see her for that too. There are others as well, a couple other INFJ's that I would just love to become friends with, but I just can't! What's my problem, and why can't I just... hang out with someone and not be afraid of... whatever it is that I am afraid of!?

My family gets so mad at me because I don't call or text for days or weeks. I don't have an answer for them. I say that I've been depressed, and in these times I usually have a backwards schedule where I will sleep in the daytime or just hide in my room from everyone. Ugh. But when I do call, or go hang out, I end up really enjoying it and getting sad that I don't do it more. Why does it have to be so complicated? It's so lonely. But I do this to myself!

I need an e-hug from others who understand.
 
I would say that your afraid that you will go out and get trapped/guilted/caught in some social situation you don't want to have to deal with... In general, all the negativity that goes along with dealing with people.... Better to just stay at home where it's safe.... But... You really do want close companionship... This is what forces us to go out, even when we don't really want to...

Am I close?
 
Barkalounger said:
I would say that your afraid that you will go out and get trapped/guilted/caught in some social situation you don't want to have to deal with... In general, all the negativity that goes along with dealing with people.... Better to just stay at home where it's safe.... But... You really do want close companionship... This is what forces us to go out, even when we don't really want to...

Am I close?
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Yes and no. Lol. The people that I desperately want to be close with wouldn't put me in an uncomfortable situation.

But I so avoid those that do put me in those situations over and over like the plague. So you are right in a way, because I do that.

However, today I decided to answer the 3rd phone call from one of those people and was guilted very easily into lending her some money. :/ Why did I answer that call? She isn't in need it was for food on a trip to Carowinds. I avoid so many calls and the one that I answer is the one I shouldn't have... Lol
 
You know by now that it is complicated so just sit back and wait for shallow short sighted answers and solutions to pour in lol. You want a Real friend not just someone to hang out with and your family must be extroverts so naturally they assume you are depressed or some basket case by not replying to texts ect.
 
April said:
Yes and no. Lol. The people that I desperately want to be close with wouldn't put me in an uncomfortable situation.

But I so avoid those that do put me in those situations over and over like the plague. So you are right in a way, because I do that.

However, today I decided to answer the 3rd phone call from one of those people and was guilted very easily into lending her some money. :/ Why did I answer that call? She isn't in need it was for food on a trip to Carowinds. I avoid so many calls and the one that I answer is the one I shouldn't have... Lol
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I was like that once... Then I joined the military...

It's okay to say "No" ...if your not comfortable with doing something say no... Come up with an excuse if they need to feel better... If they make you feel guilty they are preying on a perceived weakness and manipulating you... Be aware.

Saying "sorry" constantly, shows weakness... Unless your Canadian... Then it's normal... ;)

Validation/confidence comes from inside you knowing that you can handle any particular situation...

Being adventurous and getting out of your comfort zone gives you experience, experience gives you confidence that you can handle any given situation.
 
*E hugs you so hard*
I struggle with some of the same things you have described. maybe it;s just one of those things where you have to push yourself to do more. I do new year's resolutions and this year mine was to say yes more. say yes to going out, hanging out with people, trying new things. It might seem overwhelming but once you get out there and are hanging out with people and whatnot, you'll probably end up having a great time! I think INFJs can easily isolate themselves and not even realize it because it's comfortable for us, but if you're prone to depression it can make things worse. so yeah... my advice: say YES more.
 
Roses In The Vineyard said:
You know by now that it is complicated so just sit back and wait for shallow short sighted answers and solutions to pour in lol. You want a Real friend not just someone to hang out with and your family must be extroverts so naturally they assume you are depressed or some basket case by not replying to texts ect.
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Lol!

Some of my family are extroverted, and some are just self centered introverts who want my company, but aren't willing to come to me or even contact me, yet when I do see them, they act offended that I don't reach out to them our come see them etc... :p
 
Too perfectionistic, maybe? I am, and when I'm interested in someone (romantically or friendly) I won't do stuff with them unless I feel I've got my game on. I won't risk leaving a mediocre/bad impression, that later on weakens my confidence, with this potential friend. It has worked out great for me, even though it not the most healthy way of doing it.
 
neko said:
*E hugs you so hard*
I struggle with some of the same things you have described. maybe it;s just one of those things where you have to push yourself to do more. I do new year's resolutions and this year mine was to say yes more. say yes to going out, hanging out with people, trying new things. It might seem overwhelming but once you get out there and are hanging out with people and whatnot, you'll probably end up having a great time! I think INFJs can easily isolate themselves and not even realize it because it's comfortable for us, but if you're prone to depression it can make things worse. so yeah... my advice: say YES more.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the hug!!! I know that's what I need to do! It's just so hard to make myself do things!!! I wish I was more self disciplined.
 
Yeah this is something I do.
This is also me:
jepix1ws8qnz.jpg


But I do find that when I just suck it up and stick to plans it ends up being a great time and I really connect with the other person. So what @neko said.

*E-hugs you from the comfort of my computer where we don't really have to actually interact lol*
 
Infjente said:
Too perfectionistic, maybe? I am, and when I'm interested in someone (romantically or friendly) I won't do stuff with them unless I feel I've got my game on. I won't risk leaving a mediocre/bad impression, that later on weakens my confidence, with this potential friend. It has worked out great for me, even though it not the most healthy way of doing it.
Click to expand...

Well when I'm interested in someone -romantically or friendly- I can't leave them alone. Lol! I risk sounding desperate because I want them in my life so bad. That might push some people away, but personally, if someone had that much love for me to be so persistent and not give up... I would feel so special.
 
Infjente said:
I have now met anyone who is as bad as me to answer phone, texts, emails :nomouth: is that Se?
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Do you mean you've not met anyone who avoid calls like you do? Or did you mean anyone who answers calls when you don't want to?

I don't know as much as I'd like to know about cognitive functions, but I'd like to know that myself.
 
acd said:
Yeah this is something I do.
This is also me:
jepix1ws8qnz.jpg


But I do find that when I just suck it up and stick to plans it ends up being a great time and I really connect with the other person. So what @neko said.

*E-hugs you from the comfort of my computer where we don't really have to actually interact lol*
Click to expand...

Lol at the meme!!
 
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April said:
Do you mean you've not met anyone who avoid calls like you do? Or did you mean anyone who answers calls when you don't want to?

I don't know as much as I'd like to know about cognitive functions, but I'd like to know that myself.
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Bad at not reaching out or return calls, answer texts etc :wink:
 
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April said:
Well when I'm interested in someone -romantically or friendly- I can't leave them alone. Lol! I risk sounding desperate because I want them in my life so bad. That might push some people away, but personally, if someone had that much love for me to be so persistent and not give up... I would feel so special.
Click to expand...

I might text a lot, but hesitate to meet up
 
April said:
Well when I'm interested in someone -romantically or friendly- I can't leave them alone. Lol! I risk sounding desperate because I want them in my life so bad. That might push some people away, but personally, if someone had that much love for me to be so persistent and not give up... I would feel so special.
Click to expand...

I remember being like that... I gave up moved away... Started over... Eventually I learned patience...

Like Mantis in Kung Fu Panda :)
 
Infjente said:
I might text a lot, but hesitate to meet up
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Then yes!!! That's me too. I love texting, but ask me to have a phone call or video chat and I hesitate. Much less meeting up to hang out. I know I would have a great time too, it's just the fear of something like awkwardness or humiliation and I don't understand it. Blah!
 
Barkalounger said:
I remember being like that... I gave up moved away... Started over... Eventually I learned patience...

Like Mantis in Kung Fu Panda :)
Click to expand...
Haha I tried moving away when I was younger, didn't help at all, I just missed the opportunity to be able to drive to my parents houses if I wanted haha.
 
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