Why do gay men hate me?

[MoonFlier]

I want to thank you all for your input here! I am so glad I found this forum.

 

[Infjente]

I've never seen this kind of homophobia before

 

[Deleted member 16771]

There's no survival value in avoiding gay men because they all seem to dislike you. Like I said, it could be costing them a job.

Who said I was advocating avoiding gay men? Don't strawman my argument, please.

OK here's what's happened:

OP: Gay men don't seem to like me. What am I doing wrong?
Forum: Nothing! Stop generalising, it's probably just your attitude.

Now, this is fine, as long as OP is, in fact, not doing anything specifically irritating to gay men. The problem is that the value of generalising in this case was rejected, and so we can't actually explore the behaviours. This means that, if OP goes into another environment with gay men, believing that her past experiences were all in her head, and they still don't like her, then the problem remains unresolved.

There could very well be a behaviour or set of behaviours that OP is doing which puts gay men off. Maybe she's drawing too much attention to their homosexuality in an effort to prove that she accepts it? My mum does this; she's overly curious about the differences that gay people feel defensive around her.

There are a multitude of reasons why it's useful to explore the generalities, and it's a bit silly to blindly assume otherwise. However, if OP is content with the current solution presented, then we've no reason to go down the road of further exploring this (that is, until she realises that they still don't like her, and comes back to square one).

 

[acd]

Who said I was advocating avoiding gay men? Don't strawman my argument, please.

OK here's what's happened:

OP: Gay men don't seem to like me. What am I doing wrong?
Forum: Nothing! Stop generalising, it's probably just your attitude.

Now, this is fine, as long as OP is, in fact, not doing anything specifically irritating to gay men. The problem is that the value of generalising in this case was rejected, and so we can't actually explore the behaviours. This means that, if OP goes into another environment with gay men, believing that her past experiences were all in her head, and they still don't like her, then the problem remains unresolved.

There could very well be a behaviour or set of behaviours that OP is doing which puts gay men off. Maybe she's drawing too much attention to their homosexuality in an effort to prove that she accepts it? My mum does this; she's overly curious about the differences that gay people feel defensive around her.

There are a multitude of reasons why it's useful to explore the generalities, and it's a bit silly to blindly assume otherwise. However, if OP is content with the current solution presented, then we've no reason to go down the road of further exploring this (that is, until she realises that they still don't like her, and comes back to square one).

She's avoiding gay men. Again........the job thing.

I think it's less reasonable to assume that gay men as a group dislike her---assumimg most gay men she meets will dislike her based on a few interactions. It's just a jumbled mess of what I suspect are flawed assumptions. OP admits this. I think it would be more reasonable to review OP's own bias (stereotypes, generalizations about gay men) and then reform their thinking about this group.... And the generalizations formed. Even if it's just thinking that most gay men are harsh on women. Because OP is probably incorrect in her assumptions and it is negatively affecting their self image and impacting career prospects. Doesn't seem like much to be gained from assuming that she has some flaw most gay men dislike. It probably is her attitude. If you enter into an interaction believing someone will dislike you of course it will leave an impression.. or self fulfilling prophesy. Sometimes you just have to throw all that out and go into an interaction focused on learning about the other person-- not confirming your own insecurities. Maybe easier said than done.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

She's avoiding gay men. Again........the job thing.

I think it's less reasonable to assume that gay men as a group dislike her---assumimg most gay men she meets will dislike her based on a few interactions. It's just a jumbled mess of what I suspect are flawed assumptions. OP admits this. I think it would be more reasonable to review OP's own bias (stereotypes, generalizations about gay men) and then reform their thinking about this group.... And the generalizations formed. Even if it's just thinking that most gay men are harsh on women. Because OP is probably incorrect in her assumptions and it is negatively affecting their self image and impacting career prospects. Doesn't seem like much to be gained from assuming that she has some flaw most gay men dislike. It probably is her attitude. If you enter into an interaction believing someone will dislike you of course it will leave an impression.. or self fulfilling prophesy. Sometimes you just have to throw all that out and go into an interaction focused on learning about the other person-- not confirming your own insecurities. Maybe easier said than done.

I see what you're saying, and I think that this is the likely culprit, too, it's just that I didn't really want to 'throw the baby out with the bathwater', as it were.

I think only OP can decide this for herself - if she's suspicious that it is something specific she's doing, then it might be worth exploring. Otherwise, if there seems to be 'no real reason', then the most likely reality is the one we suspect (which you describe above).

Can you see where I'm coming from here? I wouldn't like OP to miss the opportunity of finding out that she's doing something specific which makes gay men dislike her.

 

[MoonFlier]

She's avoiding gay men. Again........the job thing.

I think it's less reasonable to assume that gay men as a group dislike her---assumimg most gay men she meets will dislike her based on a few interactions. It's just a jumbled mess of what I suspect are flawed assumptions. OP admits this. I think it would be more reasonable to review OP's own bias (stereotypes, generalizations about gay men) and then reform their thinking about this group.... And the generalizations formed. Even if it's just thinking that most gay men are harsh on women. Because OP is probably incorrect in her assumptions and it is negatively affecting their self image and impacting career prospects. Doesn't seem like much to be gained from assuming that she has some flaw most gay men dislike. It probably is her attitude. If you enter into an interaction believing someone will dislike you of course it will leave an impression.. or self fulfilling prophesy. Sometimes you just have to throw all that out and go into an interaction focused on learning about the other person-- not confirming your own insecurities. Maybe easier said than done.

Good lord, can I keep you?
From Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Tina's voice screams: "We don't keep them!"

@Deleted member 16771 you are right, but I won't know if it is something I am doing unless I give it another go. I hear you regarding overstepping my bounds. I have seen this behavior too often with my mom too. I have been guilty when I was too ignorant in a topic to know where to stop (When I was young I was admittedly bad with my grandfather who was dying from cancer, asking too many questions about this invisible thing that was killing him). With gay men however I'm fine. If someone has a partner, I'm happy they found a match.

 

[Gaze]

I've had a few situations early on, where I was so intense on being friends or part of a group of people, to connect, and I idolized them, probably way too much when I look at it. I tried really hard to fit in, but it came across as forced. Without realizing it, it made me seem desperate to be liked or accepted and that was a turnoff.

As @acd said, just relate to individuals, genuinely. Connect with someone on a personal level, and don't assume they don't like or accept you. And don't seek acceptance of people as a group, since as many have already said, this assumes they are the same. Show the best of who you are. If you are genuine, kind, receptive, and responsive to others, people will connect with you. Best wishes.

 

[Wyote]

I've been around a lot of gay dudes. They're all pretty different. Kind of like the not gay dudes. But more gay.