Hey girlie! Yeah, you! Get away from that computer! You're not qualified to write the epic tale of the rapid yet monumental rise to power of the greatest supervillain ever!
That's me. I'm Foxbat. And I'm awesome.
The day I was born, the earth shook and the heavens cracked open. The stars realigned. Rivers changed their courses. A comet appeared. Choirs of angels proclaimed my greatness. All ice cream was free.
Mumsie and Dadders were super rich, so of course I got the absolute best of everything, which is only what I deserve. I studied at the best schools, had every action figure ever made, and gave away ponies in the gift bags at my tenth birthday party. Boy howdy – those ponies were hard to get out of those little bags!
But what I really loved were comic books. I've got thousands of 'em – Golden Age, Silver Age, all the chromium double covers and crossovers and even those lame issues they put out for the girls, like when Captain Patriot got married.
It was perfect – until one day Penhurst (he was my very first minion, but my parents called him a butler) told me that Mumsie said I couldn't have any more comics. No comics? NO WAY!!!
Apparently Dadders' business was going belly up, and the comics cash was gone. It was a tragedy of epic proportions – the worst thing to ever happen in the history of the planet. And I was emo, let me tell you, until I realized something. Great destinies are forged in the flames of despair.
This wasn't the end of the good life; it was the start of my origin story! I was fated to take my place at the head of superhumanity, where I would rule supreme with a fair, yet firm hand and ultimately usher the entire planet into a new era of achievement, like that old movie about the two kids in a phone booth with George Carlin.
I thought for a long time about being a hero, but let's face it – heroes are boring. Most of 'em are kinda dumb. They always blather on about doing the "right" thing. They never get the hottest women.
That is not how I roll! Villainy rules!
So I raided the accounts for the rest of the family cash and got to work. I mastered forty-seven different kinds of martial arts, including drunken boxing and flying monkey style. I learned gymnastics. Slight of hand. Electronics. Computers. Chemistry. Lockpicking. Security systems. I learned it all! Then I started designing my amazing and awe-inspiring Foxbatgadgets so I could terrorize all of humanity!
Laugh with me now – BWA HA HA HA HA!!
Developing my first Master Plan was tough – should I take over the planet with my Mind Ray Hypno-Amplifier, or rob the Freezy Delight? Ooh, ice cream …
I've done a bunch of amazing stuff since then – you see this? It's the world's largest cubic zirconia. I stole it. I was gonna grab the Empire State Building too, but I ran into some logistics issues. That sucker is big!
I'm sure I've done lots of other rad stuff too – but there has just been too much amazing in my life for me to remember every detail. Go Google it or something.
Anyway, there's your flashback. I'm Foxbat. And I'm awesome.
Foxbat is the world's greatest supervillain. Women want him, and men want to be near him. His crimes are comic masterpieces, and are always successful. He lives life with legendary panache and a tastefully sexy style that movie stars and other supervillains can only envy.
In combat, Foxbat relies on an array of Foxbatgadgets, which are both super effective and super cool. Primarily he uses his Amazing Ping-Pong Ball Gun, which can fire a variety of ammunition including irradiated plutonium and vanilla custard. He also is a master of forty-seven different types of martial arts, but finds shooting people to be more fun."